Don't worry, she can take it. Usually to the charity shop (it's where she takes most things)

**********************************

Indians worship cows.
I worship my wife. We have
a lot in common...

**********************************



('My bovine Bo Derek. Only joking...': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------
Shame the BAFTA 2020 ceremony's virtual
this year. No chance of an after-party BAFTA
nomi-knees up! (On the plus side, no 'morning
-AFTA' headaches, I guess)
--------------------------------------------------------

No, it's not chocoLATE. It's only 4:00pm...

OK, so if it's not chocolate, what is it flavoured with? "Thyme, mate. Plenty of thyme"...
----------------------------------------------------
Football and restaurants are both back in
business! Happy the ref who can now book
a player and a table on the same day!...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 30)
----------------------------------------------------
"I've always got a mask on hand," I tell my
gran. "Shouldn't it be on face?" she asks...
----------------------------------------------------

with onions and parsley?...

******************************

I'm quite fond of a
bit of tripe, so I never
mind eating my words...

******************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
Controlling one's waste and controlling one's
waist: fly-tipping and obesity, two scourges of
modern-day society, have a lot more in common
than you might think, haha...
------------------------------------------------------------
Reassuring to know John Bercow will never a peer
[sic - as a parrot] in the House of Lords, haha...
------------------------------------------------------------
A BET A PLACE - what bookmakers make the world?
------------------------------------------------------------
Do bookmakers always respect their betters?...
------------------------------------------------------------

GARETH BALEARICS & THE CANARIES...
----------------------------------------------------
Welsh footballer, currently in Spain, linked
to possible move to Norwich? haha...
----------------------------------------------------
OBESITY: every kg of excess weight is a
potential killergram! Borisn't joking...
(Better to Diet Hard than Die Hard, haha...)
----------------------------------------------------
The Wisden Trophy...
------------------------------------------
ENGLAND 2 - (DIDN'T WIN)DIES 1
Windies one? No, they didn't! (But
they did win a lot of new friends)
------------------------------------------

bunch of lightweights...

***************************

in the fight against
obesity, the Commons
leads by example...

***************************



lightweights, the lot of 'em...



('For services to OBEsity': 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------
Bad news for husband: firm goes bust.
Good news for wife: bust goes firm...
(implants paid for just before firm goes bust)
-------------------------------------------------------
Maybe sugar-rich foodstuffs can just
incorporate themselves 'subliminally' into TV
programme titles? 'The ChocoLATE LATE
SHOW with James Corden' springs to mind...
-------------------------------------------------------
I knew Covid-19 was catching. But who knew
it was pussy cat'ching?...
-------------------------------------------------------

what are the odds...

********************************

Gambling? It's helped pay
for three kids' education -
my bookmaker's kids!...😠

********************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------
The defence lawyer stood up: "person...camera...
TV...man...woman," he started... "OUT OF ORDER!"
screamed the judge.
----------------------------------------------------------------
"Harry's love for Meghan was real. Everything else
was noise," we're told. Well, here's the thing, Harry:
sound may also be noise, but that doesn't mean
sound advice is...
----------------------------------------------------------------

er, try turning the light on...

***********************************

Bugger me! I look
twenty years younger - it's a
full-length mirror-cle!...

***********************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
"Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV." Nothing
wrong with the words - it's the bloody President
who's out of order...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
'Finding Freedom'? The Art of Self-Destruction,
more like. As demonstrated by a master practitioner:
Prince Harri-kiri...(The Gripes of Wrath?)
-----------------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************

I can't see anything wrong with police officers
taking the knee. They just shouldn't take it on
top of a black suspect's neck. Sort of defeats the
object...

************************************************************
------------------------------------------------------------------------
if the poet ee cummings was a racist and a bounder should
he have spent the last years of his life writing wrongs
(lack of) punctuation as he would have wished it
------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************

Just how many times a day does notorious
germophobe Donald Trump wash his hands of
all responsibility when it comes to Covid-19?...

*********************************************************
---------------------------------------------------------
Poor old dad was burnt to a crisp last summer.
Cheese and onion, luckily for us. Delicious.
Miss you, dad, x...
---------------------------------------------------------
NO INCOME TAXI - who'd be a cabby right now?
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 21)
---------------------------------------------------------
GAOLKEEPER - prison governor.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are clogs still made of willow or poplar? In these
days of global warming, wouldn't strapless sandalwood
be more sensible?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

it's a Mr Ree...

**************************************

the doorbell rang, but
no-one got up - no point, when
we haven't got one...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------
The Repair Shop (BBC 1): it may be able to fix
our possessions, but there's no way it can mend
the nation's ways. Only we can do that...
-----------------------------------------------------------
PISSEDACHIOS...........nuts soaked in brandy.
ACHIOS...................nuts not yet soaked...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A woman with a bear behind? Shouldn't that be on Page 3?
-----------------------------------------------------------

catch it!...

***************************************

Catching something from
a bat? Sounds more like cricket
than Covid-19...

***************************************



('From a bat? From a pangolin? Who knows?...': 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
If he really is to become Lord Botham, will it now
be known as The House of ''Lord's, the New Home
of English Cricket', haha...
-------------------------------------------------------------
That photo of a rugby jersey-clad Prince Andrew
looking out of his car window - it looks just like a
team captain in search of a hooker! (Wow, did I 
just write that out loud?)
-------------------------------------------------------------
The Russia Report: Wow! Turns out the cross party
committee was a very, cross party committee, and
had been for a long time. Who knew?...
-------------------------------------------------------------

World's Shortest Poem...

-------------- FLEAS --------------

                   ADAM
                 HAD 'EM
--------------------------------------
(Strickland Gillilan, 1896-1954)
--------------------------------------

2020 update (Vincent Hefter, 1947- ?)
----------------------------------------------

-------------- FLEES! -----------------

              IT'S A BOMB,
                    TOM!
---------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------
               I'M A CELEBRITY
         heading for Scotland (Mail)?
           GET ME OUT OF AYR!
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 20)
---------------------------------------------------
Such a shame Banksy's artwork on the
Tube was scrubbed off. It was beauTfL!...
---------------------------------------------------

Love-Lies-Bleeding...

***************************************

'Twasn't the rose that
gave me a prick, 'twas the prick
that gave me a rose...

***************************************



('A bunch of roses fives': 17 Syllables)

a closed book...

*************************************

Of course I'm hard to
read! I'm not just on the shelf,
I'm on the top one...

*************************************



('No-one's read me for years': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------
Calling all racists, misogynists and chauvinists:
only YOU can call a mask a 'face nappy', seeing
as what comes out of your mouth would appear
to call for one...
----------------------------------------------------------
If the roses in the White House Rose Garden
rambled as much as the President does, they'd
probably make just as much sense...
----------------------------------------------------------
(If GETTING a little prick from a rose is
vaguely irritating, just imagine what it's like
having to LISTEN to one for an hour!)
----------------------------------------------------------

(f)lockdown...

**********************************

I hear vicars liked
to practise by preaching to
their flock wallpaper...

**********************************



conga'gration: a
church flock gaily celebrates 
grand reopening!...



(17 Syllables x 2)
--------------------------------------------------
Not everyone's cup of tea...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Half an hour into the vicar's sermon on the milk
of human kindness, his congregation had evaporated.
Maybe he should have condensed it...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Wind up a watch and it'll keep going - wind up a
meeting and it'll stop (teaching English as a foreign
language isn't as easy as it sounds!) (Vincent Hefter,
Daily Mail, July 15)

-----------------------------------------------------------------
"You're washed up and fat...you'll die a lonely old
man": talk about a court case plumbing the Deppths!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
It's true: no-one would cross a road without looking
right and left. To prove the point, I walked into a
shop yesterday without a mask, and guess what? I
didn't look right. And left. (Moral of the story? If
you want to look right in a shop, wear a mask...)
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Trump commutes Roger Stone sentence...

***********************************************************

What do President Trump and I have in common?
We're both commuters. Only thing is, when I
commute, it's ME who goes free (Freedom Pass). 
When Trump commutes, it's people like Roger
Stone who go free, haha...

***********************************************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Mail on Sunday double today: 1) Reading Liz Jones's
Diary, I've reason to believe there are now four types of
dating: regular dating, blind-dating, speed-dating, and, if
the lady in question is indeed the redoubtable Liz herself,
intimi-dating!... 2) With so much forgetfulness going on
when it comes to booze and social distancing, I fear
yesteryear's Saturday Night Fever could be today's
Covid-19... (aka Christina Schaffer, Scunthorpe!)
(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 12)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
John Dory, gurnard, weever, megrim - who knew? Turns
out ugly fish are pretty tasty!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe Johnny Depp can plead for Heard immunity?...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 14)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

you go on a head, I won't be long...

*****************************************

WHY DOES TRUMP TWEET IN
CAPS? Because they're red and he
just loves wearing them!...

*****************************************



('MAGA': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------
BLACK OLIVES MATTER - you can't make a
salad without 'em (well, not a Greek one, anyway)
--------------------------------------------------------------
INSECTY SIDE - the outside of the windscreen...
--------------------------------------------------------------
As a tenor, I can hold a note. And the note I prefer
to hold when busking? Well, that's a tenner, too!...
--------------------------------------------------------------
Now August Alsina and Jade Pinkett are no
longer together, my sister says she'd like to go
on a date with him. (Her name's June, and she's
free all July, August.)
--------------------------------------------------------------
Were he to become US President, would a certain
rapper's office be situated in the Kanye West Wing?
(he says he'll be running for office)
--------------------------------------------------------------

a-rhyme-a-line-a-haiku...

Life
I adore,
I cry
when I hear
of war.
Each tear 
asks "why
more
strife?"

-------------------------------------
Life I adore, I
cry when I hear of war. Each
tear asks "why more strife?"...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
RIP, Ennio Morricone. Not just Enniold composer.
Thank you for providing the soundtrack to my life, x
-----------------------------------------------------------------
(The Mail published a lengthier version of my tribute
to him, which I would normally record here, but they
bastardised it so much, I'll give it a miss, thank you.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Trump / Pence: utter incompetence. Better still,
don't utter it. Shout it from the rooftops - so Boris
can hear, and maybe learn...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

the rest were out cold...

***************************************

Wow, fifty-four drunks
outside The Crown? Staggering!
"Yes, most of them were"...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------
MISSING LINCS - we've moved to Leics.
(Vincent Hefter, daily Mail, July 7)
----------------------------------------------------------
Having pulled a fast one (Bianca Williams, fifth-
fastest Brit over 200m), the police try to pull
another fast one by saying racial-profiling didn't
come into it. Yeah, right...
----------------------------------------------------------
"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may
kiss your freedom goodbye..." Bloody hell, I 
thought he was joking...
----------------------------------------------------------
Magic Money Tree? What Magic Money Tree?
I fear you're confusing the Sumac with the Sunak!
----------------------------------------------------------

let's hope I'm wrong...

*************************************

"Super Saturday"
Night Fever? I think you'll find
that's Covid-19...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------
Shopping: an urban Queue Gardens...
-----------------------------------------------------
I'm just off to Wait <----> Wait <----> Wait
<----> Wait <----> Wait <----> Wait <---->
Wait <----> Wait <----> Wait <----> Wait
<----> Wait <----> Wait <----> Wait <---->
Wait <----> Waitrose. I won't be a minute...


...but I might be an hour!
-----------------------------------------------------
"pEnCIL cAsE?"...what's that? "It's an upper
case and lower case pencil case, haha"...
-----------------------------------------------------

not on the cards any time soon, I fear...

********************************************************

The final 't' in 'tarot' has the good grace to
remain silent. I wish so-called 'international
tarot experts' such as (I won't embarrass you,
Alice) would follow its example...

********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 5)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
'Leicester' Piggott? Should have called yourself 'Derby',
mate. 1) It would have been more appropriate, seeing as
you won nine. 2) You wouldn't have been put back in
lockdown, haha...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabriel's Oboe - love it! ♫ Gabriel's inswinger? That's
not bad, either...(it's a cricket thing)
----------------------------------------------------------------------

tarts and vicars, and frilly red knickers...

******************************************

as they age, biscuits
go soft...cakes go hard...and tarts
go with anyone!

******************************************

it makes life so much easier, right?...

*****************************************

why wear your heart on
your sleeve when you can wear it
on someone else's?...

*****************************************



(on his Press Secretary's, in Trump's case - she spends
half her time having to pretend he's actually got one)



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------
I'm a roly-polyglot. That's fat in anyone's language...
----------------------------------------------------------------
The phrase 'master' bedroom is to be replaced by
'primary' or 'principal' bedroom, apparently. Bloody
hell, what about a certain activity known to take
place there on occasion? Will it now be referred to
as 'primary' or 'principal'bating?
----------------------------------------------------------------

book him!...

*************************************

'Four legs good, two legs
bad'? "Must be the away legs,"
says Spurs-lover dad...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dodging the chores cost me MY marriage, too
(Mail). And just to rub salt in the wound, my
wife took me to the cleaners. "Just so you know
where they are," she explained. Hahaha...
-----------------------------------------------------------
Who'd want to be in charge of the nation's coff-
coff-coffers with Covid-19 still around?...
-----------------------------------------------------------
Vapid-19: the pandemic of social media 'stars'
outpourings continues unabated...
-----------------------------------------------------------
Depp v Heard: we know who's the user, but
who's the abuser? Is Johnny Depplorable?...
the case continues. A nation awaits...
-----------------------------------------------------------
Like Johnny Depp, I also took drugs at eleven.
Mind you, I stopped at eleven-thirty...
-----------------------------------------------------------

a drop of the hard stuff...

**************************************

I'm a man of the
cloth. The only thing is, the
cloth's Black Velvet. Cheers!...

**************************************



('Guinness & Champagne': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Where once we had Tory GIANTS, we now seem to be
suffering from a surfeit of GOVERNMENT mini-STERS...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
LOCK-DOWN SHOP - recent state of my lock-up shop..
--------------------------------------------------------------------
MAXWELL HOUSE - Prince Andrew's former London
pied-a-terre?... (or a beverage he swears he has no
recollection of ever drinking?)
-------------------------------------------------------------------

calling time...

*************************************

My uncle Bert had
a great watchmaking business.
Then he wound it up...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
HOSPITAL-ITY - welcoming buffet leads to dash to A&E...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
CRI-DE-CUR - French bulldog's heart-rending bark...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
BULL DOZERS - bovine catnappers...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Veni, vidi, da vinci - I came, I saw, I conquered: Dan
Brown's very own code of conduct when it came to
women, allegedly...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Vidi, vici, veni - I saw, I conquered, I came: Latin for "I
pulled last night"... sorry, vicar...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Spanglish Father's Day joke...

*********************************

"Felicidades,
Papa Frita!" (from a 'chip'
off the old block, ja!)

*********************************



(17 Sílibas Internacionales)
----------------------------------------------------
When it comes to social distancing on a
plane, we're all in the same boat. Without
the seasickness, of course...
---------------------------------------------------------
DOUGH NUT - someone obsessed with money...
---------------------------------------------------------
Bernie Ecclestone a dad at 89? Bloody hell,
what did his mum feed him on? Bottles of
formula (one)? haha...
---------------------------------------------------------

two course - or TOO coarse?...

**********************************

'First course, second course,
intercourse': definition
of a great night out?...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Do 'White'hall and the 'White' House really believe
'black lives matter'? Does the answer lie in the
the question? (Just as the answer lies in the
question, so the politician lies to the voter...)
---------------------------------------------------------------
It may be a great year for strawberries, raspberries,
gooseberries and blueberries - but it's a lousy one
for Glastonberries!.. (V. Hefter, Daily Mail, July 2)
---------------------------------------------------------------
"BAR HUMBUG!" Pubs? Who needs 'em?...
---------------------------------------------------------------

no licence required...

*************************************

Driving cars and vans
is fun. But driving rain? That's
a bloody nightmare...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Triple lock pension? Reminds me of my marriage:
wedlock, padlock (comes with ball and chain) and
armlock (till she gets her way). Forget the pension,
it's ME who needs protecting!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
President Trump seems to find it much easier running
down people he dislikes than running down ramps.
Maybe he secretly likes ramps?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Judging by her outrage, it would appear Sir Mark
Sedwill was/is one of the Darling Buddies of May
(politically speaking, of course)...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

is a joke allowed? (it's not aloud, it's written, haha...)

***************************************

BLM doesn't
stand for Black Lives Matter - it
takes a knee for it...

***************************************



(17 Somewhat Sillybles)
------------------------------------------------------------------
President Trump is said to suffer from bathmophobia -
a fear of steps. Is that why he's taken so few of them
to combat America's current crises?...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Seeing as the fashion world is more ethically correct
these days, I trust that all the fur flying over Karl
Lagerfeld's immense fortune is faux?...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Would changing his name to Rishi Sumac give him
access to the International Magic Money Tree Fund?...
------------------------------------------------------------------

my wife's a broad...

*****************************************************

"Holidays are like men," writes Liz Jones.
My wife agrees. After just a few days away
with me, she says she's half-bored stiff...

*****************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 14)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
My preferred version: "Men are like holidays," writes Liz
Jones. My wife agrees. "Are you bored with me?" I ask her.
"Half-bored," she replies...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Classics lover Boris should have but one thing on his mind
at the moment, and it's not 'to be or not to be' - it's '2m or
not 2m?'...
------------------------------------------------------------------------