***********************************

Tennis is a game 

of two halves divided by

Annette. Don't cross her...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

Do we believe Boris Johnson's denial that he's

a member of the 'pile high' club?...

---------------------------------------------------------

I broke down on the motorway yesterday and 

needed a hand. All I got was a tow that cost 

me an arm and a leg...#BodyPartsDepartment

---------------------------------------------------------

Snowdonia National Park Authority want to

rename Snowdon 'Yr Wyddfa' - not so much

avowal, more a lack of 'em...

---------------------------------------------------------

Seems the Duke of York has become a bit of a

pariah. Forget 'the Yorkie Bar kid' - it's more a

case of 'bar the Yorkie kid' these days...

---------------------------------------------------------

Trafalgar Square's fourth plinth...

**********************************

There was only one

Prince Philip, so how about

a fourth plinth Philip?...

**********************************

('Trafalger Thquare & Plinth Philip: a match made in heaven': 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------

What could be more appropriate for the 

fourth Duke of Edinburgh, haha? (After

Frederick, George and Alfred)

-------------------------------------------------

A driverless car makes about as much 

sense as a driverless golfer. Mind you, 

a driveress golfer would be a good deal 

less hazardous. Fewer broken windows!

-------------------------------------------------

The papers are right about there being

more big spenders after lockdown. At 16

stone, I've never been bigger! Time to

spend more and eat less!...

-------------------------------------------------

Boris 'a vacuum of integrity' says Dominic Grieve...

*******************************

Can 'a vacuum

of integrity' sweep things

under the carpet?... 

*******************************

Wouldn't that be 'a brush of integrity'?...

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Kanye West's trainers sell for a record £1.3m. That's

a heck of a record! (Probably because he's not singing

on it, haha)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

- and the Duke of Ednbrgh Award for silliness goes to

......'Abrdn'!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Does a shortage of waiters mean the impecunious 

unemployed really aren't that bothered about putting 

food on the table?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Was that a cartoon of our PM in the paper today - or

a Carrie'cature of a henpecked hubby?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Source of the No 10 leaks? Dilyn the Dog, apparently.

All over the aides' handbags, I'm told...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Retired footballer on assault charge...

************************************

Ryan Giggs was a

striker. Let the courts decide

whether he still is...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Nitwits may be stupid, but a 'knit wit' will have you in

stitches! (Vincent. Hefter, Daily Mail, April 27)

------------------------------------------------------------------

By attempting to get Conservative Party donors to

help pay for his flat's refurbishment, is Boris Johnson

admitting that he's a poor PM? Few would argue...

------------------------------------------------------------------

REACH FOR THE SKY BUTTON - for a great biopic...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Good to know Boris and Carrie have a shared interest 

in wildlife. With Carrie it's badgers, of course. Boris is

more of a beavers man...

------------------------------------------------------------------

RIP...

Les McKeown 🕇,

Les Dawson 🕇,

Les Paul 🕇,

Les Misérables...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Another one bites the dust, but the show goes on...

---------------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************

If a red-letter day is when you get great news, 

then an unread letter day must be when you 

can't even bring yourself to open the envelope...

************************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson's moral compass appears to have gone

west. Actually, I think it went east. Just goes to show.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A 289ft painting? When David Hockney's life eventually

draws to an end, it'll be him who's holding the pencil -

there's no stopping him!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson strapped for cash? Who knew he had an

S&M fetish? He can't be that poorly off, then...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Pawnography...

*************************************

My son began playing

chess at 5, and hasn't stopped

since. That's 2 hours now...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. Boris lies in

the eye of the storm - he just can't help himself...

--------------------------------------------------------------

FAT BLOKE FLAT BROKE? Boris has to pay for

flat refurbishment, after all. A right old Carrie on.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Charged with assault, at least Ryan Giggs shouldn't

have any problems organising his defence. He's a

football manager, it's part of what he does...

--------------------------------------------------------------

My girlfriend's so young, I'm old enough to be

her next-door neighbour. She's 19, I'm 21. Well, 

21A, as my postman keeps pointing out...

---------------------------------------------------------

*********************************

This Marmite drought's left 

us all in a bit of a

jam - and we hate jam!...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

"Sleaze, sleaze, sleaze," yelled Sir Keir, "and all on 

his watch!" ('Which is probably a Rolex,' I thought,

'donated for services rendered')

------------------------------------------------------------------

Should he catch sight of one of Yoko Ono's 'I LOVE 

YOU EARTH' billboards, Craig Brown says he'd want 

to nip back inside and draw the curtains. Why not get

Yoko to draw them for him? As a multimedia artist,

I reckon that's about the limit of her abilities...

------------------------------------------------------------------

No point living in the past...

**********************************

My wife lives in the

present - the present of the

house our split cost me...🎀

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

No 10 makeover scandal: I fully expect a government

whitewash. Or maybe they'll just gloss over it. Interior

design, it's so tricky...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 23)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If a double negative is a positive, how come two

wrongs don't make a right?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The PM, his honey blonde and a rather crimson face

(news item). Arcuri-osity may have killed the cat, but

it seems Boris has just about pulled through...

------------------------------------------------------------------

The British Town Crier Championships are to be held 

in complete silence this year. "FOR CRYING OUT 

LOUD!" mouth the participants, to see if it works...

------------------------------------------------------------------

"That's a 3. One...two...three..."

*******************************

I'm a mover and 

shaker. But only when I

play Ludo, of course...🎲

*******************************

('Shake the dice, move the token': 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

"My shout," said the pub landlord to Sir Keir Starmer.

Turns out the shout was "GET OUT OF MY PUB!"...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Landlord gives Sir Keir both barrels (news item). Very

generous of him. Was there any beer still in them?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

George Floyd's killer, Derek Chauvin, is a copper with

attitude. Does that make him a male Chauvin-ist 'pig'?

Probably...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Women's sex lives are boosted by plenty of sleep,

apparently (news item). Who knew? Pussies love catnaps!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Sic] [as a parrot]

********************************

Is this the Tory

Party's new motto: 'clarpe

diem'. 'Sleaze the day'?...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The price of timber's ourageous! My carpenter wants 

to make a stand, but he can't afford the hardwood...

----------------------------------------------------------------- 

Duke of Torque's £220,000 Bentley (newspaper

headline). £220,000??? Who said "torque is cheap"!

-------------------------------------------------------------

Geraniums aren't posh, apparently (news item). I 

admit it, I'm a garden snob. I'd be quite happy to 

name our soon-to-be-born daughter Rose, Violet 

or Lily. But Geranium? Never!...

------------------------------------------------------------

Happiness is: spending a penny in the penny 

arcade - and getting 2p back!...

------------------------------------------------------

Grief in the time of Covid...

*********************************

Touching tributes are

no substitute for touching

hands. Damn you, Covid...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If there ARE 20,000 leagues under the sea, they'd ALL be better

than this proposed 'European Super' one!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

José Mourinho gets the sack and £16m. It had better be a big sack!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tottenham Not-So-Hotspur: my hopes for the new boss at

Tottenham? That he gets 'em to where José's never gotten 'em!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I spent all my money on holiday in the casino. All but a penny,

which I spent in the sea...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE JENNERATION GAP - older people just don't 'get' Kylie...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 20)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

********************************

PUNDEMIC - not so

infectious wordplay virus.

Few die of laughter...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

Everyone's talking about Prince Philip's passing,

but hardly a mention of Thiago Silva's. 95.4%

completion rate. Best in the Premier League.

Shooting's not bad, either. Too soon?...

-------------------------------------------------------------

LITTER BOX - slot in front door for junk mail...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Who on earth would buy a unique £92 jar of fresh 

air? (news item). Me, that's who! I reckon it would 

make an amusing family fresh airloom...

-------------------------------------------------------------

17 Syllables of Wisdom...

*******************************************

"Do right, and people

will like you. Don't write, and your

mother will kill you"...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Foul! (And that's just the language!)

--------------------------------------------

"You're a f***ing joke, ref!"..."Shut the f*** up, 

f***ing kn**head!" Given the current lack of spectators,

dare I suggest footballers, like children, should be seen

and not heard?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Agony Aunt. I, too, fell out with my late dad once.

Mind you, it was from 12,000ft, and we were attached 

to the same parachute. (We made it up later, mind - 

just as I've made this up now, haha...) Nurse!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

do you have anything a tad more medium?...

**************************

Bugger! Why the hell

can't I ever find any

XXM sweatshirts?

**************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

What sort of a sh*t-stirrer is Jeremy Vine? Being

offended by the fact that all 30 mourners at Prince

Philip's funeral will be white is about as nonsensical

as being offended by the fact that all 30 of their 

outfits will be black. Give it a rest, for f***'s sake...

---------------------------------------------------------------

From being born on a table in Corfu in 1921 to

being borne on a Land Rover in Windsor in 2021 -

an extraordinary life, from cradle to grave...

---------------------------------------------------------------

She loved double entendres - so I often gave her one ...

*********************************

I liked to spread Joy

wherever I went - and she

simply adored it!...

*********************************

('Spread 'em!': 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Men? I'd rather have a bowl of Rice Krispies," declared

Barbara Pym. (So cereal philanderers might have stood a

chance, then?)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'New Paint Sponsors Give Spurs A Coating,' read the newspaper

headline. I'd expect nothing less from a football pun-dit, haha...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

is that lead guitar MADE of lead?...

****************************

Yes, I can carry

a tune - but not a very

heavy metal one...

****************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

I was so bored by the Daily Mail's 'sleep better for

ever' item, I nodded off after the first couple of

paragraphs. Can't recommend it enough!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Rachel Riley used nine letters to announce her

pregnancy yesterday. My wife insists I use countless

French ones to ensure she'll never have to announce 

hers!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

If I were Gareth Southgate, my England back three

would have to be Trent...Alexander...Arnold. In that

order. Yet they aren't even in the squad. Crazy!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Enough of the grunting, already!...

********************************

Me? Grunt when I play

tennis? NO! - I like to play

without the racket... 

********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

The black sheep of the (royal) family: Prince Charles 

may well be next in line of succession, followed by 

Prince William. But right now I bet they'd both happily 

crown that treacherous b*****d Harry!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Loony Platoony! So soldiers won't be able to call

each others lads any more? What next when it comes

to gender equality? Will cowboys be banned from

wearing chaps? Utter madness!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

There is a Greensill far away. Well, not that far away, 

and it's coming back to haunt a good many people...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Boozy dinners for the happy winners?.....

************************************

Bafta's big night is

one thing - the morning Afta,

that's quite another!...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

FANTASIZES - bottles are usually 500ml, cans 300ml...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 13)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Heaven forbid, if (Grand) National treasure Rachael 

Blackmore becomes a bit of a diva when making

personal appearances and starts demanding riders,

would they have to be female?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Many suspected Rachael was cut from the same cloth

as many a great male jockey - but who knew that the

cloth would turn out to be velvet - National Velvet!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Ice-cold drinks for ice-cold customers...

-------------------------------------------------

"Do you want ice with that?" asked the waitress. "Or

just snow?" she might have added. 'The Glorious 

Twelfth' - not quite as glorious as it might have been.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The circle of life...

****************************************

Philip gave Liz her

four kids. Now her four kids can

give her a fillip...

****************************************

('The passing of the Duke of Edinburgh': 17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Better Prince Philip's 'toxic masculinity' (Sarah 

Vine) than today's 'TikToxic' influencers, I say!...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Sad to hear of the demise of 'The Quiet Night Inn'.

The relaxing of Covid restrictions appears to have 

done for it. Didn't much like the landlord, anyway.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Republican on the mat...

***********************************

What's the plural of

Watergate? WaterGaetz? Yet

more US scandal!...

***********************************

('Matt Gaetz sleaze saga': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------

PETER PANDEMIC - catch it this Christmas!

(They're both airborne, right?...)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Fitness influencers be damned! The only good 

influencer is an 'under the influencer'. One who can

recommend the best local real ale pubs! Cheers!...

---------------------------------------------------------------

How about a 'Duke of Bonkerton' Regé Regé Saucy

comedy next? Should spice things up a bit!...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Not that daft, then?...

******************************

Kim Kardashian:

not just ANY airhead - a

BILLIONAIRhead!...

******************************

('It's official!': 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

Just as gun salutes are fired from 'designated 

saluting stations', can't coverage of a consort's 

demise be broadcast on 'designated TV channels?' 

AS OPPOSED TO ALL OF THEM!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Talking of chivalry, I wonder whether Boris Johnson

would ever offer up his seat to a woman? And how would

the constituents of Uxbridge and South Ruislip then feel

towards his female replacement?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

£28,000 Louis Vuitton bags that look like planes? Can't 

wait to see them flying off the shelves! (Yeah, right...)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

You crazy? No. Mad...

**********************************

is a gnomead a

gnome who never settles in

any one garden?...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Bloody hell! An Ian Fleming first edition is set to sell

for over £90k! Dad was right - he always told me to

put my money into Bonds...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Golf legend escapes prosecution. Tiger's out of the Woods!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Is it 'William & Harry', or 'William vs. Harry'? Seems 

Tom Bradby's been dragged into a 'feuding male'strom...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

'PAX' A PUN-CH - gives a 'peace' of his mind...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

English grammar...

*********************************************

There IS no Antonym for Cleopatra...

*********************************************

----------------------------------------------------

Special Advisers...

----------------------

You've got to hand it to Alan Duncan in his

memoirs: he certainly calls a Spad a Spad.

And usually with knobs on!...

----------------------------------------------------

We're saved!...Oh, dear, we haven't saved 

enough: cavalries charging over the hill is 

one thing, insurance companies charging 

over the odds quite another...

----------------------------------------------------

Enough of these posh boy politicians! Next

time round, let's have a PM who drops his

aitches - and not his trousers...

------------------------------------------------------

Just heard about one of the lesser-known 

AstraZeneca ciderfects: a fermented Adam's 

apple. Ouch...

------------------------------------------------------

£72 for a perfume you can't smell? It makes

no scents!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 8)

------------------------------------------------------

 

(Brain) cell-by date: 13/4/24...

*************************************

Marmite boosts brainpower:

the thicker you spread it, the

less thick you become!...

*************************************

('Middle-age, er, 'spread': 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------

ANTONYM - Cleopatram's lover...

-------------------------------------------------------

Dogs are more likely to be southpaws than

we are, apparently (news item). Especially 

the boxers, I imagine...

-------------------------------------------------------

Clots are still an issue when it comes to the

AstraZeneca vaccine, it seems. Probably the

same clots who think the earth's flat and Bill

Gates is out to get us...

-------------------------------------------------------

Shouldn't Waitrose start selling 'virtual shoe 

polish' to clean Gucci's 'virtual trainers'?...

-----------------------------------------------------------

(Politics: a game of two halves - and a chaser)

From Downing Street to Downing Pints - yippee,

not long to wait now, Boris!...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A drop of the hard stuff...

***********************************

Fancy having a

liquid lunch this Sunday? Try

'Leg of Lamb'rusco!...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

CORVID-19 - bird flu variant?...

----------------------------------------------------------

BACK OFF THE NET! - "you're online far too

often, kids!"...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 6)

----------------------------------------------------------

Dear 'laundry guru' Patric Richardson. If Rose's 

are red and Violet's are blue, can I put them in 

the same wash as Daisy's? I'm not sure if they're 

all late bloomers...

----------------------------------------------------------

"I feel like a million bucks," said the doe. 

Well, bugger me - a nympho deer!...

--------------------------------------------------

It's a bit slow. Obviously...

**********************************

Dr Who's bright - he's

got a Tardis. Me? I'm dumb.

Mine's a Retardis...

**********************************

(17 Rather Sillybles)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Many politicians leave their mark on society - it

turns out what President Trump left was a stain. I 

was disappointed 'laundry guru' Patric Richardson 

gave us no indication as to how to get rid of it...

-------------------------------------------------------------

A comedian's only as good as his material...

***********************************

I can't stand nylon,

satin or or denim. But wool's

by far the worsted!...

***********************************

(as opposed to mohair, which can't be, er, bested?)

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

More restrictions than we've had hot dinners!...

Remembering the crucifixion: how appropriate that

so many of us are a little cross ✟ this Easter...

---------------------------------------------------------------

CLOTHES HOARSE - her outfits were so loud, she

almost completely lost her voice...

------------------------------------------------------------------

"I wonder why the papers are suggesting people make

shyness their superpower?" wondered Wonder Woman.

"I'll stick to 'wondering', thank you very much"...

------------------------------------------------------------------

The cops and the 'litterati'...

**************************************

No point throwing the book

at litter louts, you know they'll

just leave it lying there...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Justin Bieber on Radio 3? Methinks the BBC's sense of

direction's gone Kanye West! (Or do I mean Fleur East?)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Elizabeth Hurley says street food is not exactly, ahem, 

'up her street'. Definitely more of a mews-bouche type!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Turning gardens into wild meadows: how do MY poor 

old dogs react when I never cut the grass? They look 

for-lawn. (But hey, a few  doggie chews soon cheers 

'em up!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hi!" - "Yes, I think I probably was"...

***********************************

Unforgettable 

nights are probably the ones

you can't remember!...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

LITTERBOX - the opening in a front door for junk mail...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 2)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Is that a Pica$$000,000?...

**************************************

Abstract art: the more

strangely drawn it is, the more

strangely drawn I am...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

What did you think of the recent exhibition of 

abstract expressionism? "Disappointing. Nothing 

but a load of Pollocks"...

--------------------------------------------------------------

The more I read about the 'Boris & Jennifer' affair,

the Arcuriouser and Arcuriouser it gets...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Consider the 'Big O' as pudding? Makes giving my

wife her just deserts sound like a punishment!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

If Boris & Jennifer Arcuri regarded Macbeth as

foreplay, thank God she didn't end up up the Macduff!

------------------------------------------------------------------