Greatest Of All Time? "Yeah, right"...

*************************************

Poor old Boris. He

wanted to be the GOAT. Turns

out he's a jackass...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

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Give the PM time and space! (newspaper headline)

How about 3 years in a 5.5 x 5.5 cell?... "NOT ENOUGH

TIME, TOO MUCH SPACE!" came the cry...

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No 10's FINE DEEDS = No 10 Parties (deeds that end up with a fine)

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Say it with paper petals this Valentine's (newspaper headline).

When my girlfriend tore up the A4 to make mine last year,

she was stopped for speeding. She had to explain to the 

officer that it was only paper...

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Not only is it Her Majesty's sincere wish that Camilla becomes

Queen Consort, she still wants to crown Meghan, apparently.

Yeah. Over the head with a cricket bat!...

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Apparently, the Queen wants to bury the hatchet with Harry

& Meghan in her jubilee year... "Yeah, but guess WHERE she

wants to bury it, haha"...

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Apparently, the Queen wants to extend an olive branch to

Harry & Megan, seeing as it's her jubilee... "Yeah, and as

soon as they come anywhere near her, she'll whack them

over the head with it, Cunning!"...

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Ironic, or what? By complaining about people jumping on

the 'mental health bandwagon', Joanna Lumley has made 

a lot of people, well...mad!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Clots?...

**********************************

Reality 'stars'?

They really are 'la crème de

la crème'. Extra thick!...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Come Nadine With Me (Channel 4). An invitation

to dinner at No 10 ends in an unlikely promotion...

--------------------------------------------------------------

How much smoother would life be if the ship of

state were being steered by someone who was still

the husband of a (not-so-ancient) Marina?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Looks like Boris's behaviour could cost him a pretty

Penny - the support of Trade Minister Ms Mordaunt!

---------------------------------------------------------------

"Boris," I said, "you've made your bed, you'll have 

to lie in it". And, to give him his due, he HAS done 

- through his teeth, at times...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Most Prime Ministers come to No 10 with a certain

amount of baggage. In Boris's case, most of it seems

to be Carrie-on...

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Grandad told me he had Weetabix for breakfast this

morning, but I know for a fact he had Shreddies. 

He can't help it - he's a cereal liar...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 24)

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Ivermectin tablets: "I've a mectin!" says Laurence Fox.

"I've a better idea," screams the voice of reason,"get

yourself jabbed!"...

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Kindergarten...

**************************************

Yes, of course British

children are kind - but German

children are kinder...

**************************************

('Kinda funny?': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Following Sue Gray's damning report, Boris Johnson 

vows to make changes at No 10. "Starting with the

curtains," adds Carrie...

---------------------------------------------------------------

A LIAR-BILITY - how some might describe Boris?...

------------------------------------------------------------

Jimmy Carr-crash 'humour': caustic humour is one thing.

Holocaustic humour quite another, Jimmy Carr. There are 

limits. Camp humour is one thing. Concentration camp 

humour quite another, Jimmy Carr. There are limits...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why exactly were Sir Andy Murray and Emma 

Raducanu honoured by the Queen? Was it for

their unreturnable first services to tennis?...

--------------------------------------------------------

Cash & Carrie: where I like to do my shopping.

or two of Boris's major headaches? Discuss...

----------------------------------------------------------------

All leaders strive to leave their mark on society -

though sometimes it turns out to be more of a stain.

No names, no pack drill, Boris...

----------------------------------------------------------------

COAL'D WATER - (what I get) when my solid 

fuel boiler packs it in!...

-------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson: from Mr Bean to Mr Has-Been.

It can't be long now - can it?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

By becoming Boris's new director of communications, 

might Guto be committing political 'Harri'kiri?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Call the AA! (or the AAA?)

*********************************

Electric cars are

all right as far as they go -

and that ain't that far!...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Prince Harry claimed yesterday that he's being 'schooled

by the universe'. You're talking out of Uranus, Harry...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

All PMs strive to leave their mark on the world. 

Sometimes it turns out to be a stain...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

If men are from Mars and women from Venus, what

planet is Harry on right now?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Solid fuel fires leave me coal'd! ( Goodness gracious,

grate balls of fire. Sod that - just the grate, mate)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Judas: "Is cariot a traitor?" Discuss. (God

knows what that's all about)

---------------------------------------------------------

BORIS'S CATHOLICKSPITTLE - Jacob Rees-Mogg, 

by any other name...

---------------------------------------------------------

They grow up so fast these days!...

***********************************

I had 'the sex-talk'

with my boy last night. Jesus,

did I learn a lot!...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

How soon before life cycles are replaced by e-bikes?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Who knows? If they bring in fruit and veg vouchers,

Boris might even be able to afford another mandarin

at No 10. "What? Even a WFH Peloton-riding one?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Who plays the part of the talking penis in

'Pam & Tommy'? Cressida Dick? hahaha...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

You Are What You Eat (Ch 5). REALLY? Everything I eat

is VERY RICH - so why the f*** aren't I???...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Michael Gove, the great leveller? Cripes! They said the 

same about the atomic bomb. Vote Labour!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

As a hobby, I much prefer origami to painting, and the

reasons are tenfold. (They used to be twofold, but I've

got much better at it since then)

------------------------------------------------------------------

PILLIONAIRES - founders of Harley Davidson!

------------------------------------------------------------

Low-calorie lager to reduce beer bellies? Yippee!

Larger louts can go back to being lager louts!...

------------------------------------------------------------

Where there's a will, there's a way...

********************************************************

If you kick your brother in the bollocks and

he takes it on the chin, try kicking him on the 

chin - maybe he'll take it in the bollocks?...

********************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------

Stand-up comedy at Newcastle Cathedral? Sounds 

like a great gig for a Bishop! How about it, John?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

BENT COP-ULATION - having sex with a PC based 

at Charing Cross...

------------------------------------------------------------

SAVILE ROW - the row between Boris and Sir Keir

about a certain paedophile...

------------------------------------------------------------

Energy's so expensive these days, I can't afford to 

waste any complaining about it!...

------------------------------------------------------------

Thank God my immune system's strong enough to

cope with Laurence Fox's claptrap...

--------------------------------------------------------------

ABBATOIR - Swedish slaughterhouse where animals 

meet their Waterloo...

(Might Carrie's 'Abba bash' turn out to be Boris's

Waterloo? Might just as well have held it in an

Abbatoir, seeing as she's being slaughtered for it!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Guess how many copies the autobiography of Thomas

Crapper sold? - "Shitloads, I imagine"...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

FORGET-ME-KNOTS - the half-hitch and figure of

eight are the only ones I can remember!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 1)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope there wasn't much damage when house prices hit

the roof - seeing as roof repairs have risen even faster!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm A Celebrity Bushtucker Trials...

*************************************

If pub grub is what

Ant and Dec eat, are pub grubs

what the others eat?...

*************************************

(17 Rather Sillybles)

--------------------------------------------------------

NICK FERRARI...ARRESTED...SENTENCED - my

life as a failed car thief...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

David Davis and Andrew Mitchell? As thick as thieves,

writes Henry Deedes. "As thick as two planks, more 

like," Boris probably mutters to himself. No love lost...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

My Maths teacher thinks I'm 'the cream of the cream'. 

My History teacher thinks I'm thick. Does that mean 

I'm thick cream?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Unlike Greg Wise and Emma Thompson, my wife and I 

NEVER turn the telly off, and rarely turn each other ON!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing's ever black or white? The 'Gray' report begs to

differ. Now f*** off, Boris...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"The first duty of Government is to uphold the law," said

Maggie Thatcher once. Now, the first duty of Government

seems to be to hold UP the law. These are sad times...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dereliction of duty is not like a birthday cake - a simple

apology won't cut it. Resign, Prime Minister...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Pete wrote a book about dung last year" - "Sell many?"

- "Bucketloads. Stank the place out" - "Mike too, he wrote

one on the history of pails. Sold bucketloads, too - but all

empty, apparently, he says" That's nothing! I wrote one on

toilets. Sold a shitload. Jesus, the pong! Never again!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote a book on my grandfather last year. Wouldn't it have

been easier to write on paper?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

How times have changed! The grand old Duke of  York, he 

had 10,000 men. Andrew? He makes do with 72 teddy bears.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 1...or 'name and

address supplied,' as they put it today)

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