Stocking up for Christmas!...

***************************************

It's Christmas stocking
time! - let's hear it for good old
ho-ho-hosiery!...

***************************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)

in my element - my chemical element, sadly...

************************************

everything I touch
turns to gold - so foreplay's a
bit of a problem...

************************************



('Au!': 17 Syllables)

on trend...

*************************************

'Older men are in
this year,' my newspaper said.
'In what?' I wondered...

*************************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)

they even fly off their very own handles (but never when drunk)...

****************************************

My brothers? They're mugs!
But they do what mugs do best -
they can hold their beer...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)

9.5, 9.5, 9.0, 9.5, 9.0, 9.0, 9.5...

*****************************

the best way to make
a splash as a diver is...
not to make a splash!

*****************************



(17 Syllables)

well-read light area...

**************************************

do psychologists
get turned on by strippers who
bare only their souls?...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)

******************************************

I cherish my mobile above all else
- it's the Apple of my iPhone...

******************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 27)

she may be a silly moo, but she's MY silly moo...

*********************************

Indians worship cows 

and I worship my wife. She 

hates that connection...

*********************************



(17 Syllables)

war and piece of her mind...

*****************************************

I love her, but does
she love me? She makes me mad,
then she makes me tea...

*****************************************



('Always something brewing': 17 Syllables)

a sweet tooth and obesity...

**********************************************

Is there a sin tax on sugar daddies?...

**********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 6)

*************************************************

GUM CONTROL - they've stopped selling
Wrigley's in our local corner shop...

*************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Wordy Wise, Daily Mail, November 5)
------------------------------------------------------------------
(They've stopped selling Wrigley's in our local corner
shop. I'm all for gum control, but this is ridiculous!...)
------------------------------------------------------------------

************************************************

to the less well off, eco-friendly comes
a poor second to eco-nomical...

************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 29)

Restorative justice...

***************************************************

Turns out the arsonist and I got on like a
house on fire. Shame it had to be mine...

***************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 25)

piling on the pounds...

****************************************

If you like your food
rich, garnish with lots of thyme.
For thyme is money!...

****************************************



(17 Syllables, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 24)

I'm outta here!...

**************************************

The time has come to
go-tu Kotu, meet some friends
to say "hello!"-tu...

**************************************



Ciao for niao...



(22/10/19 - 20/01/20: 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------
(With doubtless the odd exception) radio silence
will now be maintained for about 90 days...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
'Lust of the Summer Wine' - Love Island for wrinklies.
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 22)
-----------------------------------------------------------------

fruitcake, anyone?...

***********************************

Are vegans mad? No.
Nuts, crackers and bananas?
Well, if the cap fits...

***********************************



('Only joking, OK?: 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Booze cruises: alcoholidays, by any other name...
-------------------------------------------------------------

I used to be me...

******************************

is it not better
to be a has-been than to
be a never-was?...

******************************



(17 Not-So-Sillybles)
--------------------------------------------------
Mortgaged until you die? (news item) -
Shouldn't these be called morgue-ages?...
--------------------------------------------------

A public health announcement...

************************************

JAB a wocky and
fight the flu! - Jabberwocky,
and your CHILDREN, too!...

************************************



(With apologies to Flewis Carroll)



('Flu jabs': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
How (I imagine) certain women chefs might have
greeted an ungallant and rather sexist Heston
Blumenthal (with apologies to Shakespeare): "We
come not to bury Heston, but to braise him -
overnight in a slow cooker"...
------------------------------------------------------------
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 16)
------------------------------------------------------------

*************************************************************

I'm a regular organ donor - not a week goes by
without me giving someone a piece of my mind...

*************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------
THE QUIET NIGHT INN: not a place to
seek out if it's excitement you're after...
-------------------------------------------------

"Crater love hath no man than this...

************************************************************

Boris Johnson allegedly told Jennifer Arcuri
she was 'the Everest every man wanted to climb'.
(If she'd turned him down, would he have
tried to mount Etna instead, haha...)

************************************************************
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cinemas publishing misleading start times means having to
watch ads infinitum. (Well, 30 minutes' worth, at least, haha)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

onomatopoeiaring through the window...

*************************************

Snap, crackle and..."pop,
is that you?" - It's my dad, the
cereal killer...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm draining the swamp," claims Trump. STOP PRESS!
Uncultivated land being drained by uncultivated man!...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
'She looks good,' I thought. "Fancy a date and walnut
cake?" I asked. She agreed to the date, but declined the
walnut cake. But hey, one out of two - that's pretty
good, right?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

a narrow escape?...

*******************************************

Three cheers for satnavs!
Where would we be without them?
"Scunthorpe, probably"...

*******************************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)
-----------------------------------------------------
The demise of Thomas Cook: (a lack of)
Foresight Saga? Who didn't see it coming?...
-----------------------------------------------------
If you're already feeling a bit funny, is
laughter really the best medicine?...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 15)
----------------------------------------------------

******************************************************************

Lbs, shillings and pence: Tom Watson, Deputy Leader
of the Labour Party, loses 98 pounds, makes 19,325 -
writing about weight-loss sure is lucrative! (But does
the UK need yet ANOTHER lightweight poilitician?)...

******************************************************************

Half a loaf is better than none - so use it!...

*************************************

Anybody with
half a brain...more than likely
feels a bit short-changed!

*************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Anyone with half a brain agrees Trump's doing a great job!"
says dad. "And anyone with a whole one doesn't," adds mum.
Marriage! It's a bit like War and Peace in our house...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Isn't it about time someone locked Trump up? In either of his
two brain cells, I'm not bothered which...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cereal liars (like Boris?) should be made to eat their words -
for breakfast, preferably...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

no strings - well, just the four...

*****************************

mum seeks musician
to play second fiddle to
her darling children...

*****************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Fast food and sloe gin: all you need for a great night in!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
'Eating meat can help save the planet,' writes Tom Parker
Bowles. Wow! I never realised there was quite so much at
steak!... (Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, October 6)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
So The Hilton Bankside has a vegan suite? - I bet the
Hilton Topside hasn't, haha...(news item today)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
NEWSKNIGHT - Sir Trevor McDonald, OBE... (Vincent
Hefter, Daily Mail, October 8)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Symphony No 20, Opus 20...

*******************************

to write just one good
symphony, do composers
have to write a score?...

*******************************



(A composer of some note: ♫. Yeah, that's the one! 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------
Reading about Dina Asher-Smith, it's pretty
clear that grit and determination run in her
family - very, very fast!...
-----------------------------------------------------

the breadwinner...

***********************************

Dad struggles to put
food on the table. Not great
when you're a waiter...

***********************************



is that your career in the soup, dad?...



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
To paraphrase John Hockney, it seems that when
his brother David's life draws to an end, it'll be
David himself who's holding the pencil...
------------------------------------------------------------
Not having sex needn't be a hindrance to a happy
marriage. Next week we're celibating our 30th
wedding anniversary!...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 7)
------------------------------------------------------------

if you can't put it off, put it on, Tom...

************************************

"If it's not on, then
it's just not on" says the wife.
Damned prophylactics!...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------
Online dating: single arsonist seeks perfect
match. Well, any match, to be honest...
-----------------------------------------------------
Charlotte Edwardes's Boris accusation:...
--------------------------------------------------------
Petronella Wyatt now tells of being groped by
two politicians 'as thick as mashed potatoes'.
Not CHARLOTTE potatoes, surely? Or King
EDWARD(E)S? It's a small world, Boris...
--------------------------------------------------------

PM's LBC interview with Nick Ferrari...

**************************************************************

"Can you believe Boris Johnson had never heard of
Naga Munchetty?" a woman asked her companion
on the bus. "Boris who?" came the reply...

**************************************************************
(PM has car-crash interview with Ferrari. 
Well, it was never going to be a Lada, was it?...)

well-bred and buttered...

***************************************

of course you can toast
baguettes - as long as you toast
the bride and groom first...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------
If music be the food of love, let's hear it for
jazz-bands, brass-bands and hus-bands!.....
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 1)
------------------------------------------------------
'Living by the sea can cut depression' (page
20). 'Thousands told to evacuate homes as
waves lash coast' (page 21). And I thought
Brexit was confusing!...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 3)
------------------------------------------------------

"J'accuse...!"

***********************************************************

Has 'thigh-squeezing' Boris "I am The Hulk"
Johnson now become Boris "I amnesia" Johnson?
("Honestly, can't remember a thing, guv"...)

***********************************************************

Was the '130,000 killed' ANTI-TORY BANNER
inciting violence a direct response to a certain
BRUCE BANNER inciting violence? (aka The
Incredible Hulk, aka Boris Johnson)

***********************************************************

a bit of a blow...

***************************************

dad blew all he had
on wind farms, but they blew it
all straight back at him...

***************************************



('When the gales weren't of laughter...': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Those eco-activists glueing themselves to main roads in
Kent give a whole new meaning to that oft-repeated
call home: "I'm stuck on the A2, love". (Vincent Hefter,
Mail on Sunday, September 29 (aka Christina Schaffer)
(another Mail on Sunday double! See Oct 1 blog entry)
--------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************************

Model Naomi Campbell is pictured in all the papers
in a designer 'bullet-hole' dress. I can't help but
wonder whether it's made of shot silk, haha...

***************************************************************
Women spend 71 days a year glued to their phone,
apparently (news item). Men? They also get stuck
- stuck for things to say, usually, haha...

***************************************************************

nominative determinism, my arse...

*****************************************

"forgive my lack of
passion," sighed the passion fruit
to the ugli fruit...

*****************************************



(Sad, but true: few passion fruit have lived up 
to their name when left alone with ugli fruit...)



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
"Why would you want to play second fiddle when
you've been leader, first violinist and concert-
meister? It hurts intensely," says John Humphrys.
Wow! Sounds like he's been orcastrated!...
------------------------------------------------------------
Police watchdog to probe Boris? Don't tell Dilyn!
------------------------------------------------------------

Scottish Parliament building...

*****************************

a monumental
error: I saw an eyesore
and an eyesore me...

*****************************



('Some monument, some error!': 17 Not-So-Sillybles)
------------------------------------------------------
I very much enjoyed your photo of a twisted
postbox in Yorkshire. When will I be able to
see one tied up in Notts?...(Daily Mail)
(Alex Chinneck public artworks project)
------------------------------------------------------

fruit-based romances...

*********************************

when the apple of
your eye calls you her ugli
fruit, you know it's love...

*********************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Who says Joan Bakewell is 'the thinking man's
crumpet'? She's a Bakewell, right? Doesn't that
make her 'the thinking man's tart'?...
----------------------------------------------------------------
78% of Gallup pole-dancers are now embarrassed
to be associated with a certain Prime Minister. No
names, no pack-drill...
---------------------------------------------------------------
No quid pro quo in Trump's phone call to Ukraine?
Withholding almost $400million in military aid prior
to the phone call makes that about 320million quid
pro quo, at the current rate of exchange...
---------------------------------------------------------------

a vegan's bananas...

***************************************

"You were on a low-
carb diet at 12?" - "Yes, and sick
of it by half-past"...

***************************************



('Nuts like seeds': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I like to share driving duties: I drive
her to the shops from Monday to Friday, she
drives me up the wall at the weekend...
------------------------------------------------------------
Couldn't the almost £50million damage to
household fittings and furniture caused by pet
rabbits every year (news item) be covered by a
special rabbit warren-ty, haha?...(Vincent Hefter,
Mail on Sunday, September 29)
------------------------------------------------------------

Boris & Information Technology...

----------------------------------------------------
Ex-model claims she gave Boris Johnson
technology lessons in her flat (news item).
Apparently, he was gagging for IT.
----------------------------------------------------

****************************************************

Do climate change activists feel under the
weather when they're constantly having to
worry about the weather they're under?...

****************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 24)
------------------------------------------------
ADULT SHOP: DO NOT ENTERtainment.
------------------------------------------------

piling on the £££s...

****************************************

if you like your food
rich, garnish with lots of thyme -
for thyme is money...

****************************************



('If you are what you eat, then hey - you're rich': 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Bit naughty of the PM to forge a relationship with
Ms Arcuri. Forgery is a crime...
-------------------------------------------------------------

neat whisky costs a tidy sum...

**************************************************************

The human body runs on water (writes Bill
Bryson). I'm sure it does. But not THIS human
body, because this human body doesn't run at all -
it's more of a Johnnie Walker...

**************************************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Corbyn's Brexit policy? - Brexsit-on-the-fence...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 23)
--------------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************************

Food stays inside a woman's system one day
longer than in a man's, apparently (news item).
("But a chip can stay on a man's shoulder far
longer than on a woman's," adds my wife)

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, September 22)

Marathon is back for three months! Yippee!
It's a miles better name than Snickers -
26.2188 miles, to be precise!...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, September 22)
(alias used for this one, they don't like to use same name twice)

**********************************************************

too much of a good thing...

*************************************

If music be the
food of love, then let's hear it
for The Gastric Band...♫

*************************************



('A little bit of Meat Loaf goes a long way': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Do you need a doggy bag for German Shepherd's pie?
----------------------------------------------------------------

***********************************

could the drinking of
too much scrumpy have any
nasty ciderfects?...

***********************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 19)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Poor old Corbyn. Whenever he's asked about Brexit,
he Bricksit... #brex/it-on-the-fence
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Greta love hath no girl than this, that she lay down
the law for our planet (with apologies to John 15:13)
...more power to your elbow, Miss Thunberg...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Haiku, Bye!ku...
-----------------------------------------
Is this retirement,
Boris? (From the Supreme Court
to the tennis court?...)
-----------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------
is an unholy row the opposite of an altar-cation?...
--------------------------------------------------------------



------------------------------
Are unholy rows
the opposite of altar-
cations? Pray tell me...
-----------------------------



-----------------------------------------------------------
Who came up with the daft "songs most likely to
cause bad driving" list? A steering committee?...
(news item today)
-----------------------------------------------------------

the moral maze...

************************************

is it dishonest
writing vegan cookbooks that
bring home the bacon?...

************************************



(asks the man who never reads anything by Lamb)



(17 Syllables)

*******************************************************

The toilet stolen from Blenheim Palace may
have been solid gold (news item), but not so
the thieves - they'd be covered in gilt...

*******************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 18)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Does Jacob Rees-Mogg, the Honourable Member for
the 18th Century, own a compewter?...
---------------------------------------------------------------

Os-bourne again Christian? Probably not. Os-bourne again face? Most definitely...

*************************************************************

Many people in show business are two-faced.
Not Sharon Osbourne - she's now on her fourth!...

*************************************************************



----------------------------------------
Many people in 
showbiz are two-faced. Sharon
Osbourne's on her fourth!...(17 Sillybles)
----------------------------------------



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 16)
----------------------------------------------------
Melania Trump - Air Force One-derwoman?
------------------------------------------------------------------
Trafalgar Thquare & Plinth Philip? A match made in

heaven, surely?...(if rumours in the press about vacant fourth 

plinth are to be believed)
------------------------------------------------------------------

how the mighty have fallen...

**********************************

The Great White Hope. Not.
From Boris to Borisn't:
it didn't take long...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------
'Pretty ugly' is an oxymoron. Priti Patel isn't.
Well, not entirely...(not a fan)
------------------------------------------------------

he got up (arose, by any other name)

*************************************

Yes, I married far
too early. Should have waited
till after breakfast...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------
Neutrality? Not on Bercow's watch. Which, given
his love of freebies, is probably a Rolex...
-----------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Donald Trump, 1st among equals: Rac1st, Sex1st, Misogyn1st...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

wine, women and - more wine!...

*********************************

let's hear it for wine! -
in our house, every party's
a cellar-bration!...

*********************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now Meghan's launched her very own fashion line (news item),
will she launch her very own washing line to dry it all on?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

my round...

***************************************

as golfers can't drink

and drive, they tend to restrict

themselves to putting...

***************************************

even tee-totallers buy rounds on public courses...

(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
£335 for a pair of Hermes flip-flops? "Let the right
foot half the bill, and the left foot the other half.
Me, I'm paying nothing!"...
------------------------------------------------------------------
£335 for a pair of Hermes flip-flops? How soon before
their marketing people start calling them -flops?...
------------------------------------------------------------------

walls have ears - humans, beers...

*************************************

a plastered wall is
rendered - a plastered human
is rendered senseless...

*************************************



(17 Syllables, Daily Mail, September 16, 2020)
---------------------------------------------------------------
My musical tastes have done a complete 180: I used
to love Kanye West - now I'm more into Fleur East...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beauty merely lies in the eye of the beholder. Boris,
however, lies in the eye of the entire nation. Impressive...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

on the lam...

********************************************

take pity on the
shepherd whose staff of one turned
out to be a crook...

********************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only a shepherd can be happy when his staff of one turns
out to be a crook...(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 9)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

a white lie, really - to match the sheets...

**********************************

"Man, I'm handsome," I
said. (I'd made my bed, so I
had to lie on it)

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Up, down, up, down, up down: my dad, in his 70s, keeps
fit by lifting a book above his head 20 times a day. He
calls it his exercise book. (His jokes match his dancing)
----------------------------------------------------------------------

cause of building materials shortage (news item)

**************************************************************

When our waiter said the food was on the house,
I didn't realise he meant it was going to be served
on roof slates!...

**************************************************************



--------------------------------------
these days, "your food's on
the house" merely means it'll
be served on roof slates...(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, September 8)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How on earth can John Bercow be allowed to drive the
Commons when he doesn't even know where neutral is?...
(Also in the Mail on Sunday, though they used one of my aliases)
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Amber Rudd resigns...

*****************************************************

The Ship of State's now drifting Rudderless.
Where's Paul Anka when you need him?...

*****************************************************
Bianca Andreescu...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A star is born! Well, two, actually. Congratulations to both Bianca
and Reescu. Will you be teaming up in the women's doubles now?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the human race - it's not a sprint...

********************************

Lethargy runs in
the family. Well, it's more
of a jog, really...

********************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)
-----------------------------------------------------
We're off to the Dalmatian coast - where
better to enjoy the dog days of summer?...
-----------------------------------------------------

Our beloved PM...

*************************************************************

Boris Johnson says 'he'd rather be dead in a ditch'
than delay Brexit again. How appropriate would
that be? A man who trades on his humour to be
found dead in a ha-ha...( a ha-ha is a type of ditch)

*************************************************************

Jacob Rees-Mogadon used to bring me some light
relief. Sadly, I've been suffering a few too many
disturbing side-effects recently...

*************************************************************

politic..tic...tic - time's running out, Jeremy...

**********************************************

The weak are a long time in politics.
How many years is it now, Jeremy?...

**********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 5)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Cricket commentators praise Australian batsman Steve
Smith...they say he hasn't missed anything all summer.
What! Not even his mum?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

beauty? - only skin deep, mate...

**************************************

I like my women
like I like my chocolate - plain,
and a bit nutty...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Channel surfing: immigrants find a new way of entering Britain...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************

They've stopped selling Wrigley's in our
local corner shop. I'm all for gum control,
but this is ridiculous!...

***************************************************

dying on stage...

**************************************

Canned laughter can kill
a joke dead - some might even
call it manslaughter...

**************************************



('Makes me see red, it really does': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------
I bet there won't be any first day covers with the new
Sir Elton John stamps on. He doesn't do covers...
------------------------------------------------------------------

Hurricane Dorian...

*******************************************

Trump warns the States: "this
storm's a monster!" - "Takes one to
know one," sneers the storm...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------
A shortage of sweet potatoes? (news item). No
shortage of couch potatoes, though - maybe we
should now call them 3-piece sweet potatoes?...
-----------------------------------------------------------

WBA, WBC, IBF, WBO? OMG! WTF?...

***********************************

a poem should only
have one title - well, unless
it's about boxing...

***********************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------
if cafés serve tea, do cannabis cafés serve high tea?...
------------------------------------------------------------------

crime scene to be believed...

******************************

the suspect was as
pretty as a picture - so
the police framed her...

******************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------
Headingley: the greaTEST ever!
------------------------------------------------------
"Sad"..."bad"..."good"..."very sad"..."very 

good"..."very bad" - Donald Trump: the man 

who puts the 'dick' into 'dick'tionary...
------------------------------------------------------

not if you die laughing...

************************************

is laughter the best
medicine when you're feeling
a bit, er, funny?...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------
Is Mr Potato Head a YouTuber?...
----------------------------------------

rhythm and greens...

********************************

my father often
gets angry, but never sees
red - he's colour blind...

********************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RSVP: not so much pleading for 'merci' as politely asking for it...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Nigel Farage wants to talk turkey (news item). How exactly
will that differ from his usual gobble-gobble-gobbledygook?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************

ice cream vans go from 0 - 30 at quite a lick...

*********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 27)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Brazil has long been known for its nuts. The most
recent of whom is undoubtedly controversial
president Jair Bolsonaro...
-------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************************

If Donald Tusk on his hammock (pictured) tells Boris
to sling his hook, I reckon Boris should just go over
there and unhook his sling. That'll teach him...

***************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 26)
--------------------------------------------------------
Homeopathic ground-up Berlin Wall dust?
(news item). Must be a barrier cream, haha...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The brilliant Headingley Ashes Test: one thing about Jack
Leach: he's guaranteed to give you a run for your money.
And sometimes, like at Headingley, one's enough!...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************

It's vital "for MPs to stand firm behind our
PM," you write (MoS). Of course it is. How
else can they stab him in the back?...

***************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 25)
-------------------------------------------
Do the colour blind ever see red?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What colour do the colour blind see when they get angry?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Great Presidents leave a mark on the world. Others leave a stain.
On a dress, in Bill Clinton's case...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thought for the day...

**************************************

is there a vegan alternative to
the milk of human kindness?...

**************************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I hereby order sweet and sour pork and kung pao chicken.
Anything, in fact - as long as it's Chinese! (I ordered it
an hour ago - it should be hereby now, haha...)
(In response to Trump 'hereby ordering' American
companies to cut their ties to China.) T**t!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

'on line banking'? - theft, more like...

***********************************************

"Empty your pockets!"
screamed the two clothes pegs as they
held up my trousers...

***********************************************



('Hung out to dry': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do climate change activists feel under the weather as they're
constantly having to worry about the weather they're under?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Putting the 'Mad' into Madagascar...

***************************************

Corporal, tell me
what this long-fingered lemur's
called. - "Aye-aye, captain"...

***************************************



('Daubentobia madagascariensis': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------
Never mind 'a bird in the bush...', is an aye-aye
in the hand worth two in the ha-ha?...
----------------------------------------------------------

Edinburgh Festival Fringe...

***************************************************

Swede tells broccoli/cauliflower joke at
Edinburgh and wins 'best gag' title. That's
probably funnier than the gag itself!...

***************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 21)
-------------------------------------------------------------
There's a special offer on budgerigars at the local
pet shop this week: buy one, set one free...
-------------------------------------------------------------

ugli fruit - handsome profit?...

*****************************************************

ugli fruit are pretti expensive these days...

*****************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 20)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
At his music college, Ed Sheeran got an F in everything
(news item). An F in everything? That's effin' ridiculous...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

cutting out the middle man...

*******************************************

talented artists
draw their own pensions - and boy,
they're realistic...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
So the Royal Air Force is to allow airmen to sport beards?
(news item). Neatly trimmed, I assume. No riff-RAF!...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

broccoli, cauliflower & a Swede...

***********************************************************

Broccoli wins 'best gag' title at Edinburgh fringe
festival (news item). Possibly because it makes
people gag quicker than any other veg?...

***********************************************************



(The winning joke: 'I keep randomly shouting out "broccoli" and
"cauliflower" - I think I might have florets'. Comedian: Olaf Falafel.
And he's a Swede! - that's probably funnier than the joke itself!)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Corbyn: "I'll be the new Thatcher" (news item).
Talk about an apocalipstick vision of the future!...
-------------------------------------------------------------

louder and louder! (or gouda and gouda?)

**********************************************

Jane had to let off
steam. "Edam!" she screamed. I could
tell she was cheesed off...

**********************************************



('Double Dutch': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------
God knows why they installed a helter skelter in
Norwich Cathedral - and He's the boss, right?...
-----------------------------------------------------------

energy conservation...

********************************

I do nothing to
conserve energy, and you
can't do more than that...

********************************



('The Inactive Activist': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Donald Trump doesn't believe in climate change. The
guy's environ MENTAL!...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Eating apples really can help protect you from cancer
(news item). I believe it's called cores and effect. The
more cores, the greater the effect...
------------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************************

So many celebrity micro marriages! It seems
'till death us do part' has been replaced by "till
Tuesday next after breakfast, pet"...

**********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 15)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seeded bloomer or a sliced white? As a general rule of thumb,
the less seedy the bread, the more seedy the area, I find...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

dinner thyme...

******************************

Last night I had pork
with rosemary and basil.
Just the three of us...

******************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------
Where do arable farmers sow their wild oats?
-------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************

Great art always asks questions. "What the 
f**k are you looking at?", that's one of them.
Great art can be quite grumpy at times...

*******************************************************
-----------------------------------------------------------
My brother's an architect, so of course he's well-
built - he sourced the materials himself...
-----------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************

Yo-yo dieting will be the death of me - just how
many of these darned things can one man eat!...

************************************************************



(far too stringy, haha...)



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 13)
-------------------------------------------------
Having a butcher's at the fishmonger's
doesn't mean you can buy meat there...
-------------------------------------------------

not a fan...

****************************

Tracey Emin? She's
as pretty as a picture -
one of hers, sadly...

****************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I also had a haunted house (news item). Someone kept
shouting "fore!". Turned out to be an Ian Poultergeist...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

I need to save MONEY - not the world!...

*********************************

eco-friendly's one
thing - eco-nomical, that's
way more important!...

*********************************



('I'm more 'eco-worrier' than eco-warrior, me': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the drinks at arms maker Gaston Glock's bash were served in shot
glasses (news item), was it one of his guns that shot them?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"going far, dad?"...

******************************

My dad left his house
today. His solicitor
wouldn't say to whom...

******************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top private schools are 'awash with Class A drugs', apparently
(news item). And dilated pupils, presumably, haha...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************************************

He may be a master baker, but Paul Hollywood is no
roll model - be it granary, rye bread or multigrain!...

*****************************************************************

************************************************************************

So Fergie and Meghan are both writing books? A case of
'the greater their royal ties, the greater their royalties'?...

************************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 9)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is a Marmite PM really the man to deal with bread and butter problems?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************

When it comes to growing carrots,
it pays to know your onions...

******************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 7)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it so hard to see your GP? (news item). Poor
vision, in my case. Macular degeneration. Can't even
see him when he's right in front of me, haha...
----------------------------------------------------------------

the judiciary, by any other name...

******************************

who the heck can judge
if you're anti-semitic? -
the jewdiciary?...

******************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why was the hat Geoffrey Boycott challenged Jonathan
Agnew to eat live on air a straw one? Surely a bowler would
have been more appropriate? Preferably an Australian one!...
(it's a cricket thing)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

yes, this verse may be pants - but they're special pants...

*******************************************

women who don't quite
know what the 'pelvic floor' means
are Tena penny...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
So many mass shootings in the States. US gunshop
owners must be as loaded as the guns they sell...
-------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************************************

Simon Cowell's weight loss apparently involves
cutting out meat, dairy, sugar and gluten (MoS).
Sadly, Simon and I live in financially very different
worlds. MY diet involves cutting out money-off
coupons - as many as I can lay my hands on!...

**************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 4)

*******************************************

Ashes to Ashes, dust-up to dust-up!
Let battle commence!...

*******************************************



"Win the urn, urn the win!" (it's a cricket thing)



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 2)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The chances of the EU tearing up the deal they agreed with Mrs
May are about as great as me tearing up the MI. Without a car.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************

yo-yo dieting's
not much fun at all, really -
they're far too stringy...

*********************************

two's company, three's a no-no...

****************************************

asking girls for a
threesome's fine (but if they say
no, you can't foursome)

****************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------
Yes, sleepwalking can be dangerous. But rarely
is there any call for a somnambulance...
----------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************

Abridge Too Far: biopic about cut-throat editor...

************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 30)

*************************************************************

the difference between a vegetarian diet and a
poor diet is the difference between having to cut
out meat or having to cut out coupons...

*************************************************************



"vegetarians cut out meat - the poor cut out coupons," VH.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
If the man who delivers your letters dies unexpectedly,
is there a 1st or 2nd Class post mortem?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

********************************************************

It seems not all the furniture that went into
No.10 at the taxpayer's expense is brand new
(news item). A scruffy dresser has been seen
going in there, too, haha...

********************************************************


Sorry, Boris...


(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 28)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Supermarkets recall chicken dippers due to health fears
(news item). I recall them, too - they were horrible...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Johnson & Rees-Mogg? Heaven help us!...

*****************************

A recipe for
disaster? Boris is nuts
and Jacob's crackers!...

*****************************



Not so much 'Eton educated' as half-eaten educated...



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
I raise my hat to Jofra Archer. Quite appropriate,
that - seeing as it's also a bowler, haha...
------------------------------------------------------------

oops, wrong dream!...

******************************************

my new car drives like
a dream - the one where this huge
carrot's chasing me...

******************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White (House) supremacyst: painful US Presidential affliction...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yippee! Another Daily Mail double!...

******************************************

Building castles in the air requires
more than a few breeze blocks...

******************************************

£500 for a pot of tea (Mail)?
For richer, for pourer...

*******************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 26)
---------------------------------------------------------------
(Truth be told, I prefer the alternative: £500 for a
pot of tea? What does it come with? 22 carat cake?)
---------------------------------------------------------------

"fore!"...

***********************************

why, when I get out
my sand wedge, do I end up
slicing every shot?...

***********************************


one round or two, darling?...


(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now Ffordd Pen Llech has been declared the steepest street
in the world, will its café start charging the steepest prices?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
No doubt about it, Theresa May was a jolly good egg.
Such a shame she never really came out of her shell...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

PM's first appointments...

*********************************

Boris, will you now
replace Larry the Cat with
Jacob Rees-Moggie?...

*********************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------------
A Johnson/Farage alliance? That's one way
of guaranteeing a pact House at PMQs, haha...
---------------------------------------------------------

Yippee! A Daily Mail double!...

*****************************************************************

My son's been a Spurs supporter since about seven.
It's half past now, so I think it's serious...

*****************************************************************

Maybe they should change the current US President's
address to 'The Very, Very, White House'...

*****************************************************************
(racist pr**k that he is)



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 23)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm a lightweight. Even weak tea makes me PG tipsy!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

a contradiction in terms?...

****************************************

Sex? Sadly, I soon
get bored. "Yes, but at least you
get bored stiff," laughs Jane...

****************************************



------------------------------------
making love? - better
to be bored stiff than not to 
be bored at all, right?...
------------------------------------



(17 Syllables x 2)
-----------------------------------------
Hair of the dog? Paw me another!
-----------------------------------------

**********************************************************************

What's the difference between 'talk' and 'speech'? -
Whilst talk is often cheap, speech should always be free.
Someone tell Scotland Yard...

**********************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 21)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems not all the furniture going in to No.10 is brand new.
A scruffy dresser was also seen entering, haha...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

nothing like a bit of needle...

*****************************************

those rich veins of form
sprinters find - are they the ones
they inject into?...

*****************************************



crossing the line (in first place, probably)



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Pitch perfect: the cricket groundsman's done his job...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Trump? Thin-skinned? You don't say...

*******************************************

if people are as
thick as their skin, then Trump's an
absolute genius...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trump tweets about the 'average IQ articles' Thomas Friedman
writes in the New York Times - which probably explains why
they go way over his head...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************

penury means, if invited out, you
can only get dressed to the twos...

*******************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 19)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is there anything in UK firearm regulations other than bullet points? 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

lust of the summer wine...

**************************************

Synonym for 'love'?
That's easy! "And for 'passion'?"
Well, that's much ardour...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sadly, my girlfriend didn't make the grade as a Formula 1
driver - she's a lap dancer now. Still fast, though - she
managed 49 laps in 2 hours last night...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Where's the least painful place to get a tattoo?" - "Leeds?"...

***********************************

if tattooists don't
suffer for their art, why the
hell should their clients?...

***********************************



who knew a load of pricks could make something so beautiful?...



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------
Blancmangetout: very, very sweet peas...
---------------------------------------------------------------
If a glass of juice a day raises the risk of cancer 
(news item), don't drink it out of a glass. Simples.
---------------------------------------------------------------

wacky cracky...

****************************

Crazy paving? Right
outside the psychiatric
hospital? Nice one!...

****************************



goes right round the bend, too...



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Only in the civil service can plum jobs go to mandarins...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

not that Trump seems to care...

****************************

leaving a mark on
society's not the same
as leaving a stain...

****************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
How did the England cricket team celebrate their World
Cup win? With Root beer and Captain Morgan rum?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

does it come in a Rin Tin Tin?....

*******************************

I tried some very
tasty dog food yesterday -
German Shepherd's pie...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Prince Harry's Invictus Games are to be sponsored by an
arms dealer (news item), I only hope the arms are prosthetic...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

first service, second service, national service...

**************************************

Federer never
joined the army, though he did
serve at Wimbledon...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The World Cup-winning England cricket team's favourite
tipple? Captain Morgan! (If it wasn't before, it should be now)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

***********************************************

I've been watching telly on and off for
years - though mostly when it's on...

***********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, DailyMail, July 12)

*************************************************

Who cares if we've upset Donald Trump?
'MAKE AMERICA IRATE AGAIN!'

*************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 11)

me? a door-able? hardly...

********************************

I'm a knob! So what?
At least it means I can fly
off my own handle...

********************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having your advice ignored by Mrs May, and being insulted
by the British ambassador: Twin Piques, starring Donald Trump
(contains gratuitous name-calling and lack of diplomacy)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*************************************************************

Roger Federer? The greatest! And that's not a
backhand compliment - it's a backhand, forehand,
serve, volley, smash AND lob compliment!...

*************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 9)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I quite fancy Maria Sharapova. Thing is, I quite fancy
Feliciano Lopez, too. Does that make me bi-kyrios?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

6.4...7.2...5.9?...

***************************************

how can you find out
the size of an earthquake? - ask
a sizemologist!...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------
Ginger arsonists burn quicker in the sun...
---------------------------------------------------

the 'fiction' of crucifiction?...

**************************************

"I'm screwed," sighed Jesus
on the cross. Not quite true - I
believe they used nails...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Britsh Ambassador to Washington has compared Trump
to The Terminator. Four years is bad enough - heaven help us
if he ever becomes a 'Second Term'inator!...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

contains adult humour and boobies...

************************************

comicalness: the
more 'adult' the humour, the
more puerile the joke?...

************************************



('Jimmy Carr-crash': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Me? I'm as fit as a fiddle!" (Said the renowned lyre)
---------------------------------------------------------------

look, he's waving...

*********************************************

swimming with dolphins
is cheap - swimming with sharks can
cost an arm and aaaaaarrggghhhh!...

*********************************************



('Went out sober, came back legless': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------
A few breast strokes on a first date probably
means you're getting along swimmingly, haha...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Old folk CAN bite back, Mr Paxman - if they've got
their dentures in!...(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 5)
-------------------------------------------------------------------

#MeToo...

*****************************************

you know you need help

when you've hit the bottom - and

the bottom's not yours!...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pillaried: just how many Greek columns does your bungalow need?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

non compost mentis...

***************************************

my dad's confused - "you
have to know your onions when
you grow carrots, son"...

***************************************



Compost mentis: able to follow the instructions on a bag of fertiliser...



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Steph Houghton Mrs Penalty!' (England Mr great opportunity - what a miss)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COMPOST MENTIS: I'm

in complete control of my

potato peelings...

TV meal for one: tagliatelly! (That's another)

************************************

Pasta jokes? They're 10
a penne, mate (but that's the
only one I know.)

************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abridge Too Far: biopic about a cut-throat features editor...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Sea, Black Sea, Nausea...

********************************

Our last cruise on a
liner was RUBBISH. Liner?
BIN liner, more like...

********************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
Trump? In-ept? In-secure? In-competent? Is that
what being part of the In-crowd means?...
------------------------------------------------------------

what's on the telly, love? - an ashtray, honey...

****************************************

We've watched telly on
and off for years. Jane when it's
on, me when it's off...

****************************************



('Not a great telly lover': 17 Syllables)

not another PICA$$000,000!...

*************************************

Wherever he went,
Picasso drew large crowds. In
pen and ink, mostly...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Italic type. After so many sexual assault claims, probably
the only type Donald Trump can safely admit to fancying...
("not my type", my arse)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've heard of 'high tea' - would this be 'high lunch'?...

************************************

Pork, lamb, beef, chicken...
or hash? Sunday joint options
keep getting better!...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
They say Caravaggio was a murderer. Really? Maybe
he was framed. His pictures certainly were...
---------------------------------------------------------------

no munny, no hunny...

******************************************

I've just bort six hives.
They'er ful of bees - spelling bees.
I need the practise...

******************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------
Deep-fat friar: chip monk?
--------------------------------

get in there, son...

********************************************

my mother says it
pays to befriend knobs - "knobs can
open lots of doors"...

********************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------
People keep referring to 'broad-brush' Boris. Couldn't
agree more - too many brushes with too many broads.
Whatever happened to family values?...
------------------------------------------------------------------

alcopops...

**************************************

my daughter started
drinking at twelve - didn't stop
till well past midnight...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)

a 99 would be great - but a 69 would be better...

*******************************

vanilla sex? - is
that when a couple go at
it at quite a lick?...

*******************************



(Or when both you and I scream? haha...: 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Should a Minister for Women and Equalities have both
a manifesto and a womanifesto?...
------------------------------------------------------------------

Politics? Forget Downing Street - I'd rather be downing pints...

************************************

'Drinking' - a game of
two halves. Well, two halves,
two shots and a pint...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm having therapy for my negativity. Don't see the point, to be honest...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

did you buy it on tick? haha...

****************************

I've just bought a book
on horology. My frends
say it's about time...

****************************



(17 Syllables)

yeah, right...

************************************************

my therapist's dream
night out? -  strip clubs where strippers
bare only their souls...

************************************************



(17 Syllables)

the stripper: she packed 'em in - then packed it in...

*********************************

better to barely 

make a living, dad, than to

make a good one bare...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

Brexit...

************************************************************

We all know Boris Johnson was a boarder at Eton,
but was he a hard boarder or a soft boarder?
We need to know that, too...

************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 24)

damn your forty thieves!...

***********************************

Ali Baa Baa? The
black sheep of our family?
What makes you say that?...

***********************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------
I hate vacuum cleaners. They suck.
-------------------------------------------

naval ship classes, 18oz glasses...

*******************************************

"f*ck the grog, where's the
port?" asked the ship - but the port
was in some schooners...

*******************************************



('Ship in a bottle glass': '17 Syllables)

root & branch reform of Forestry Commission...

*********************************

"Bring back the birch!" (I'm
all for reforestation -
whatever the trees!)

*********************************



(17 Syllables)

his and herpes - is they nothing they don't share?...

******************************

Meet the parents. That's
Helium & Shelium -
full of hot air, both...

******************************



(17 Syllables)

a lawyer's brief - and so's this verse...

*******************************

I hate to state the
obvious, but if a case
isn't dropped, it's court...

*******************************



('A well-judged catch': 17 Sillybles)

Going for a song? Less than that, even!...

*********************************************

"I'm going for a drink,"
said the hooker. Wow, that's damned
good value, I thought...

*********************************************



(17 Syllables)

sunday joint - or the fish option?...

*************************************

when the hoi polloi
(that's us) smoke cannabis, do
the posh smoke salmon?...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)

mine was not to reason why...

*********************************

"Utter confusion!"
yelled mum. So I did. But I
uttered it quietly...

*********************************


------------------------------------------
"Utter chaos!" yelled
my mum, seeing my bedroom. So 
I did. But quietly...(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------



(17 Rather Sillybles)

what's the opposite of a tall story?...

*************************

I'm only 4ft
7 - my family tree
must be a bonsai!...

*************************



(17 Syllables)

what the Dickens?...

-------------------------------------------
Rose's are red,
Violet's are blue -
What colour are Daisy's?
I wish that I knew!...
-------------------------------------------
As for Knickleby, he's knickerless...
-------------------------------------------

Dundee cake? 'Underdonedee' cake, more like...

****************************************

"Baking? Piece of cake!"
boasts dad. "But not one I'd rush
to eat," suggests mum...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)

pretty dress - just a bit four-shortened...

**********************************

Jane's skint. When she goes
out these days she can only
get dressed to the fives...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)

forget HBO, think H20...

********************************************

I could sit on this
bank and watch the Thames all day
long. It's riverting...

********************************************



(17 Syllables)

avoid going bust - whatever its size!...

****************************************

Business models  are
great. Just never ask them what
their measurements are!...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)

conquering shyness...

*****************************

iPhones, iPods and
iPads! - I no longer fear
making iContact!...

*****************************



(17 Syllables)

forget ice cream chimes...

****************************************

I've just composed a
jazz piece for the cornet. "Great
licks," say the critics...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)

can prostitutes turn tan-tricks?...

*******************************

tantric sex, that's the
sex for me - a far calmer
sutra, if you will...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)

******************************************************************

Her Majesty's Secret Sketches (Event magazine): poor
old Queen Victoria - if she looked a bit tired in one
she did of herself, it's only to be expected -  if you're
sketched in pencil, you're bound to look drawn...

******************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 2)

******************************************

Athletes who take drugs 

cross the line. Some in first place,  

and that's the problem...

******************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 31)

******************************************************************

Prisoners behind the counter at Pret a Manger? (Mail).
A case of doing porridge then serving it, haha...

******************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 30)

ammo, ammas, ammat: they ALL love ammo!...

********************************

he who owns a gun
shop in The States is also
probably loaded...＄＄＄

********************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Do paleontologists spend too much time indoors?...
---------------------------------------------------------------

colour-coordination...

************************************

"What do you suggest
for yellow teeth?" I asked my
dentist. - "Khaki shirts?"...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------
Bugger! My car's a write-off. From careless
to carless, in the blink of an eye...
----------------------------------------------------

- to anything by Wet, Wet, Wet, presumably?...

***************************************

"Bloomin' heck! Great rain-
dancing, mum!" (She calls it her
'watering can-can')

***************************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)

****************************************

'Forest bathing'? Is that the same
as going down to the beech?...

****************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, May 26)

haughty culturalism...

**************************************************************

So many royals at the Chelsea Flower Show!
'Haughty culture' takes on a whole new meaning...

**************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 24)

Will May make it till June? Farewell, Theresa...

**********************************************

"END OF THE ROAD FOR 
MAY!" - does this mean they're giving
her the cul-de-sac?...

**********************************************



('Theresa May': 17 Syllables)

Jamie's Italian goes bust!...

*****************************************

after writing all
those books, maybe Jamie should
have tried cooking them?...

*****************************************



('Cooking The Books': 17 Syllables)

Eurovision Song Contest...

******************************************************

With so much politics involved, shouldn't
it be called the Eurovision Song Con-test?...

******************************************************



(an old Madonna with a patch on her eye's not a patch on the Madonna of old, haha...)



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 21)

orchestral manoeuvres in the dark...

***********************************

if music be the
food of love, then give me a
lick of that cornet!...

***********************************



if music be the food of love, is that a cornet in the brasserie?...



(17 Syllables)

with apologies to the LGBT community...

**********************************

I, too, was a male
trapped in a woman's body.
And then I was born...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)

how poor am I?...

***************************

even the products
of my imagination
are 'Made in China'!...

***************************



(17 Syllables)

managing to avoid bringing the House down...

****************************************

a three-line whip is
like most of my three-line quips:
no laughing matter...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)

moneybags...

**********************************

my mother-in-law's
so posh, the bags under her
eyes are Givenchy...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)

how dare she speak to me in that tone of body!...

*****************************************

will someone translate
my wif'e's body language, please -
I think it's in French...

*****************************************



(17 Syllables)

sorry, wrong number...

***************************************

A man called NatWest
today...will doubtless be called
NatWest tomorrow...

***************************************



(17 Sillybles)

heavy petting doesn't require heavy pets...

*****************************************

We love our pets, don't
we, darling? (Jane loves my mole,
I love her beaver)

*****************************************



('Animal Lovers': 17 Syllables)

she can't cook - but often makes me duck...

**************************************

my wife and I keep
a scrapbook - reminds us of
all the times we've  scrapped...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)

***************************************************

It's OK to tell jokes that are close to the
bone - as long as it's the humerus, haha...

***************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 23)

*******************************************************

Are 'fatty deposits' the many pounds lost by
dieters purchasing a diet guru's book that are
then put straight into his bank account?...

*******************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 19)

a weight off her mind...

********************************

"I want to get rid
of unwanted fat," said my
wife - so divorced me...

********************************



(17 Syllables)

with friends like them...

**********************************

I've just been given
a four-star review! They say
I'm ****ing awful!...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)

*****************************************************

It's pretty hard organising a downhill skiing
competition when you're told everyone has
to compete on a level playing field...

*****************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 9)

$3,000 LOST IN SANTANDER BANK HACKING SCANDAL. "Dance, and you'll feel better," she said. Fat chance. (Mind you, SHE seems to be coping well enough)
-----------------------------------------
In the beginning
was The Word. Then came hacking
and booty-shakin'...
-----------------------------------------

*****************************************

Most attempts to square the circle
end up in wrecked angles...

*****************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 28)

****************************************

Sadly, 'quid pro quo' 

is now 'TWO QUID pro quo' (that's
inflation for you)

****************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 22)

 ***************************************

If baking a cake is as easy as pie,
is baking a pie a piece of cake?...

****************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 19)

On my travels for 3 months or so...thevicarsknickers will be put away in the drawer for a while. Maybe the drawer will be opened occasionally, time will tell...
Love, light and peace - and many thanks to both of you, x

knick-knack, paddywhack, give the dog a...

***********************************

I told Rex a joke...
it growled. A bit too close to
the bone? I moved back...

***********************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, it's OK to tell a joke that's a bit close to the bone -
as long as it's the humerus, haha...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

********************************************************

Bear grills frog! (news item). Makes a change
from man bites dog, I suppose...

********************************************************



(Bear Grylls has got himself into trouble for killing 
and cooking a frog in a Bulgarian nature reserve)



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 26)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm so happy with that sentence," says Katie Price of her 3-month
driving ban...'District Judge Nigel Dean says he does not find her a 
'plausible or credible' witness'. I bet she's not so happy with that one...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did she fall FOR me? - or OVER me?...

***************************************

My date stood me up
last night - but I soon fell down
again. Great night! Hic...

***************************************



(I'm crap at stand-up: 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I, too, can see the future in my dreams (news item). A
few weeks ago I dreamt that I wouldn't win the lottery
by the end of the month. And, guess what, I didn't!...

#Scary
-------------------------------------------------------------------

better late than never...

********************************************

The name's Vince. I was
named after the Queen - more than
90 years after!

********************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
Breakdancing at the Olympics? Baron Pierre de
Coubertin would be back-spinning in his grave!...
------------------------------------------------------------

Beans on toast...

******************************************

"Full English breakfast,
please, but no bacon, eggs, beans,
sausage or mushrooms"...

******************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, people who use their phone at mealtimes
tend to eat a lot of fatty food (news item). Of course they
do. If you're going to spend an hour or so chewing the
fat on the damned thing, you need a good supply of it...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

****************************************************

Having 'died' for 60 seconds, could there
ever have been a footballer more grateful
for extra time than Glenn Hoddle?...

****************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, February 24)

**************************************************************

A crayon doesn't have to be sharp to draw blood...

**************************************************************

******************************************

She's a little stiff
from Badminton (Gloucestershire).
Me? I'm from London...

******************************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)

What? Even the bad ones?...

**********************************

all my verses have
got titles, so why can't the
Queen give me one, too?...

**********************************



('Not averse to titles': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------
Atishoo of lies: pulling a sickie...
----------------------------------------