********************************************************

I'll always stand for the National Anthem. I'll

never stand for not being allwed to sing it!...

(No singing to be allowed on Armistice Day)

********************************************************

-------------------------------------------------------------

LIVID-19 - fury at yet more restrictions...

-------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here!" say 

they've introduced a raft of measures to maintain 

safety. Knowing "I'm A Celebrity", it's probably 

a white-water raft and not THAT safe!...

-------------------------------------------------------------

would you (cr)edit it!...

******************************

to say my cooking's

incredible's almost true:

it's in(  )edible!...

******************************

(Cooking with gas(troenteritis?):17 Rather Syllabubs)

No wonder he's not on many steering committees...

**************************************************

Police probe Starmer prang (news item). 

Could it be that he was driving without 

due Keir and attention?... 

************************************************** 

------------------------------------------------------

Tasteless vintage relics? Love 'em! So much 

so, 'er indoors says I've turned our whole 

damned house into a bleedin' kitsch-en!...

------------------------------------------------------

The message for the Tories is pretty damned

clear: look after the North, or watch your 

fortunes head south. End of...

------------------------------------------------------

Pubs, please note: no way can a triangular 

slice of pizza be classified as a square meal.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 29)

------------------------------------------------------

November 5th dinner...

****************************************************

"It's Catherine wheels &

mash tonight." - "Why Catherine wheels?" -

"I don't like bangers"...

****************************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I can't find 'George Bush the oak' anywhere in the family tree." -

"I'm not surprised. I think you'll find it's George Bush the elder"...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rubbish Bin Laden, he was another...

---------------------------------------------

You've got to hand it to the guy: an 'oh, so presidential' Trump

calls everyone garbage as only trash can...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now Melania's recovered from Covid, I'm told she's going to hit 

the campaign trail - and pretend it's Donald...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Singer loses 7 stone...

*****************************************

If Adele's worth her

weight in gold, then she's just lost

a bleedin' fortune!...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

If Matt Hancock is indeed an 'infuriating pygmy' (Daily

Mail), then I'm a Dutchman. Yours, etc, Piet van Rjkaard...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Prince Harry says he had to walk in Meghan's shoes to

understand unconscious bias. I wonder whose shoes

Eddie Izzard and Grayson Perry walk in, and what they 

have understood by so doing...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I love what you billet-doux to me...

****************************

"No, chérie, a love

letter in French isn't a

French letter, OK?...

****************************

('A very special Frenchship': 17 Syllables) 

------------------------------------------------------------------

Not only are supermarkets not as clean as they should

be, they're not as dirt cheap as I'd like, either...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe I've got a dirty mind, but when Rudy Giuliani

says he was merely *ucking his shirt back in, I believe

him. He's a man who likes to take asterisks...

------------------------------------------------------------------

A dozen or so Barbarians face police action for 

breaking Covid-19 Government regulations. Let's hear 

it for the Baa-baa black sheep!...

------------------------------------------------------------------ 

'The Three Just Men' (or just three men?)

--------------------------------------------------

I bet a fair few Tories, tired of the PM and his Health

Secretary, long for a magic lamp whose genie could

grant them 3 Rishis...

------------------------------------------------------------------

vegan name-droppers...

***************************

if you really want

to upset a vegan, call

him 'butterfingers'...

***************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Can you really lose weight by eating MORE? (news

item). Indeed you can. I was 93 kilos when I started

'reverse dieting', and I'm already down to 104 kilos...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Welsh supermarket no-go zones: how soon before

the rest of the 'non-essential' British aisles are forced

to follow suit?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Who's been a naughtical buoy, then?...

----------------------------------------------

Members fear sacking Prince Andrew as Commodore 

of the Royal Thames Yacht Club would be far from 

plain sailng, haha...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

***********************************

Je ne regrette rien...

well, apart from not learning

French. What does it say?... 

************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa IS a key worker, says 'Nikolaus' Sturgeon. Well, he 

certainly was when he was played by Tim Allen. An Allen Key 

worker, in fact...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

BODRERLNIE PESROANLTIY - borderline personality disorder.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alcohol-free Guinness? As a man of the cloth whose cloth

has always been Black Velvet, I regard this as sacrilege!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

beef, lamb, pork - I really am a dork!...

****************************************************

Farmers with a beef lambast porkless pie 

makers (news item today). Meat and drink 

to headline writers. Well, meat, anyway...

****************************************************

----------------------------------------------------

COVID-19: I KNEW IT WOULD END IN TIERS.

----------------------------------------------------

(So many 'tier' jokes, let this one represent them all)

--------------------------------------------------------------

As Rudy Giuliani's interview with 'Borat's daughter'

progressed, his dilemma seemed to have become 

one of 'trousers on and jacket on'...or 'trousers off 

and jack(et) off'. If you get my drift...

--------------------------------------------------------------

A £215,000 grant for drag act Le Gateau Chocolat?

A rich chocolate cake just became even richer...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Guinness without alcohol is like rhyme without reason...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------

WHY SHOULD VERY RUDIANI STAY OFF

SOCIAL MEDIA FOR A WHILE?... 

IN A WORD: BOR@! 

(I knew he was in rude health, I 

just never realised it was that rude!)

----------------------------------------------

2 Haiku (to be played in the quai of sea)

*************************************************

if sharks can have a

whale of a time, can whales have

a shark of a time?...

*****************************************

if humans can have

a whale of a time, what sort

of time do sharks have?...

*****************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Fancy a bottle between us?" I used to ask friends on 

a night out. Now we're more likely to have a screen or 

two metres between us. I preferred the bottle...

Sad times.

--------------------------------------------------------------------   

Rain (of terror?) stops play. Every play... 

-------------------------------------------------

'DO NOT ENTERtainment,' state the signs on the theatre 

doors. Was there ever a sadder sight?...

It's just not cricket (or it's not just cricket?)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

FLORA AND FAUNACATION...

*****************************************

It's rutting season

at Richmond Park. Should be one

hell of a stag night!...

*****************************************

236 days later, along comes Bambi...

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------

Is Covid the new-monia?...

-------------------------------------------------------

How would I describe Donald Trump? A 

Hunter-gatherer, foraging for whatever he 

can find to keep hold of power. Either Hunter

himself, or some of his e-mails - anything!...

--------------------------------------------------------

NIGHTMAYOR - a city's utterly incompetent 

elected leader...

--------------------------------------------------------

"Is Andy Burnham a Mayor or a Lord Mayor?"

someone asks the PM. "More of a Nightmayor,"

fumes Boris...

--------------------------------------------------------

Tracky Bottoms & The London Derriere...

***********************************

the easier to 

pull on the pants, the harder

to pull off the look...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

"Awkward Man"chester...

------------------------------

Boris Johnson has probably regarded Andy Burnham

as a bit of a nightmayor these last few days...

---------------------------------------------------------------

********************************************

If Meghan has her 'wokedrobe', does 

Harry keep his old fatigues in an 

'Afghan War'drobe?...

********************************************

-------------------------------------------------------------

Who knew Rolling Stone Ronnie Wool was into

knitting? I'd always assumed it was, er, carpentry...

--------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a David Bailey exhibition once, but half

the photos were missing. I was told not to worry,

as those were the ones taken by a thief. The ones 

taken by Mr Bailey were still on show...

--------------------------------------------------------------

PLANE SAILING - joy ride on a seaplane...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Of course M&S undies should NEVER be sexy! 

Just as S&M undies should never be sensible...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Superdroopers...

--------------------

Soldiers can serve until they're 65? Does that 

include the HouseOld Cavalry?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, you can't even see his lips move!...

*************************************

Will Trump lie in state

one day? Of course he will, he

lies everywhere else...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

When it comes to Strictly, I see that the BBC pay

Claudia annually what they pay Tess Daly. 

Whatever happened to pay equality?...

------------------------------------------------------------

SUGAR BEETHOVEN - the ideal composer for

those with a Suite tooth...

------------------------------------------------------------

What was it that Health Minister Matt Hancock 

was drinking in the Commons Smoking Room 

bar? A divided House white?...

------------------------------------------------------------

A 'very handsome chap'erone...

--------------------------------------

The gondolier was 23, she was 50. 'Oh, well,

worth taking a punt,' thought Melanie Sykes...

-------------------------------------------------------------

VENICE, VIDI, VICI - I came, I saw, I got a gondola! 

(And some canal route treatment to die for...)

-------------------------------------------------------------

you can't see his lips moving, mind...

***************************************

Here lies Donald J

Trump - in death, as in life. And

not even white lies...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, darling...

-------------------

Binge-watching all 12 episodes of Faulty Towers

is one thing, minge-watching all 7 of The Joy F*ck

Club quite another...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Was Boris ever bi-curious? Who knows? Was he 

ever ARCURI-ous? Rumour has it...

-------------------------------------------------------------

The Bridge of Sighs doesn't matter, and neither 

does age - not when you're Melanie Sykes and 

you've got a 23-year old as your Venetian 'very 

handsome chap'erone...

-------------------------------------------------------------

shut the f**** up"!...

******************************

The c in 'indict'

is silent - I wish the hell

Donald J Trump were...

******************************

('See you in court': 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Dry martini, please" - "Sorry, sir, we're a wet pub"...

----------------------------------------------------------------

A £20k sheepdog? (news item today.) Let's hope 

the purchaser wasn't sold a pup!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 21)

"Auf wiedersehen, pet: a very good buy!" (said the breeder)

----------------------------------------------------------------

One in 4 of us wouldn't mind having a relationship

with a robot, apparently. Me, too. Especially one 

with a pert robottom!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************

It's official: transgender women can still be

hookers. Or flankers, wingers and centres,

declares the Rugby Football Union...

******************************************************

-----------------------------------------------------------

Chatting to cattle may well make steaks tastier,

but who wants to listen to a load of old bull?...

(news item today)

-----------------------------------------------------------

I can think of better superpowers to have, to be honest...

*********************************************

Wonderwoman: 'she

came...she saw...she wondered' - all

over the damned place...

*********************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A man loses a stone and sues the jewellers he bought 

it from (news item). Really? When I lost a stone once, 

I sent Weight Watchers a thank you card!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Scallop Wars II: when it's over, will the sea be littered

with unexploded shells?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

My sister made a pass at a rugby player at a party last

night. But it was ruled out - it was a forward one...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Never mind Covid, at least we can still play rugby. So

what if the touch judges are now don't touch judges?

No big deal...

------------------------------------------------------------------

causing a bit of a ballet-hoo...

*********************************************************

There's no denying it: that Government advert

suggesting ballet dancer Fatima could retrain 

in IT was one heck of a faux pas de deux...

*********************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------

FAUX PAS DE DEUX - oops! ballet couple cock it up...

----------------------------------------------------------------

more 'kitchen table' than league table...

****************************************

why should I step up 

to the plate when what I'm trying

to win is the cup?...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

BROKEN FAN-BELT - united I fanned, divided I stall...

----------------------------------------------------------------

VANITY FARE - a model's diet...

-----------------------------------------------------

"WHY?"S AFTER THE EVENT - football team's 

inquest after a humiliating 7-0 defeat...

-----------------------------------------------------

Well, that's one way of slimming...

*********************************

LOOS WAIT - the queue for

the Ladies was so long, I 

lost about an ounce...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------

When Joanna Trollope talks of her 'four-story 

house' in affluent Chelsea, is that how many 

she had to write to pay for it?...

-------------------------------------------------------

Joanna Trollope saying she's given up on men

is like me saying I've given up on books after

reading a couple of Joanna Trollopes...

------------------------------------------------------------

The Rose & Crown, 9:00-10:00pm: Unhappy Hour.

------------------------------------------------------------

Trump as Superman? Not that much of a stretch. 

With his permanent 'orange glow' he looks like 

Carrot Souperman most of the time, anyway...

------------------------------------------------------------

Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act...

*******************************************

Trump? Transparent when

it comes to his health? Yeah, right.

What a HIPAA-crite...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------

TRANSPARENT - LGBTQ mum or dad...

--------------------------------------------------

A threesome? Did he have to fousome?...

--------------------------------------------------

Was the priest arrested for having sex in church with two

dominatrices on an altar ego trip? (news item) Shouldn't

he have celebrated, er, mass (turbation?) on his own?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Is Trump's enthusiasm still infectious? Why won't his

doctors come clean?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A little too earnest, Hemingway?...

********************************

'The Old Man and the  

D' - rubbish sequel to 'The 

Old Man and the C'...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

ENGELBERT HUMPHUMPERDINCK - popular Bactrian crooner.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

HoL (House of Lords)

****************************************

Baron Botham of

Ravensworth?! Pah! Is this 'work' -

or paid HoL-idays?...

*****************************************

('HoL, lol...': 17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, baby! Here's to the difference between 

rallying round the flag (Biden/Harris supporters) 

and rallying round the flagging!!! (Trump/Pence 

supporters) #BidenHarris2020 #DumpTrump

-----------------------------------------------------------

Boris's new Press Secretary...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Poor old Allegra Stratton. Poached by Boris, soon

to be grilled by the press and almost certain to be

roasted by the PM when she 'misspeaks'. She'll

probably end up on Bake Off...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Ocober 13)

--------------------------------------------------------------

POTUS...

---------------------------------------------------

WOW, TRUMP! SO MANY TWEETS IN 

CAPS! Almost as many as there are tw*ts 

in red MAGA ones...

---------------------------------------------------

**************************************** 

Pounds, Shillings...and Mike Pence

------------------------------------------

What is the current

incumbent's incumb? It makes

no cents. "Nor does he?"...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

The States needs a President whose enthusiasm

is infectious, not whose body is - you don't need 

to wash your hands around infectious enthusiasm.

Though you might want to wash your hands of

the current incumbent...

-------------------------------------------------------------

GAOLKEEPER - governor's position in his prison's

football team (V. Hefter, Daily Mail, October 6)

-------------------------------------------------------------

************************************************

When it comes to relationships, many 

of us go through a bi-curious phase. So, 

apparently, did Boris. Only in his case 

it was a Jennifer Arcuri-ous phase...

************************************************

-----------------------------------------------------------

What goes around comes around, right? After

his Hunter Biden slur, what are the chances of

Trump's discharge from the Walter Reed 

medical center being a dishonourable one, too?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Thank God Boris's dad only broke his mum's

nose. I thought for a moment he'd broken her 

heart...(Everything's relative. Especially when the

relative's your dad)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Maybe Bob Geldof's daughter doesn't like being

recognised? You can't even make out her face in 

the photos - totally obscured by all that unruly 

hair. Her very own form of Pixielation!...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Averse to 2020 (and who isn't?)

********************************

2020's not much fun,

so I'm off to bed till '21...

(if' '21 is lousy, too,

perhaps I'll sleep till '22.)

********************************

£60,000 Jack Vettriano cupboard door:

--------------------------------------------------

As an art and music lover, I have to say

I love Vettriano - and a door Handel, too.

(V. Hefter, Mail on Sunday, October 4)

--------------------------------------------------

What? Ivanka Trump has Presidential 

ambitions? Talk about an apocalipstick 

vision of the future!..

----------------------------------------------------------

Strictly: baubles, bangles and beads - of sweat!

----------------------------------------------------------

Of course it's 100% possible to have chemistry 

without sex. Not to mention history, geography, 

maths and physics. We may live in a permissive 

society, but it's not that permissive!...

----------------------------------------------------------

Trump in quarantine? I Hope Hicks apologised...

*******************************************

Where there's Trump, there's Hope.

But I guess she'll be wearing

a mask from now on...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Hope Hicks: Trump advisor, or Wicked Witch of the

West (Wing)? "Hocus-pocus, infect the Potus!" Here's 

hoping he uses his time in quarantine wisely...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Leader of the Dinner Party...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Jeremy Corbyn & co were lucky to get away with it. Fine

dining's one thing, '£200 fine' dining's quite another...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Amanda Platell describes Jeremy 'dining with nine' 

Corbyn as a Marxist dinosaur. A photographasaurus, if I'm 

not mistaken. More humble pie, anyone?...

(Not so much what the butler saw, more a case of what 

the Marxist dinersaur, haha...)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Lewis Hamilton: Formula 1 - The Others lost...

*************************************

fifty-nine laps of

concentration - not one lapse

of concentration...

*************************************

('The winning formula': 17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

By way of variety, maybe Henry Deedes could start

describing Sir Keir Starmer's pallid parliamentary

performances as forren[sic]?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

What happened to 'rapscallion'? 'Megan Thee Stallion'!

(In celebration of National Poetry Day.) The world has

moved on...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chalk and cheese: after the presidential debate, Melania

Trump went on stage wearing a black pinstriped Dolce 

& Gabbana suit and Christian Louboutin heels. Jill

Biden, however, went on stage wearing her heart on her

sleeve - and gave her husband a tender hug...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris says he wants us to stick together but stay 2m apart.

OK, so which one is it? Confused, Tunbridge Wells...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police want to cancel trick-or-treat celebrations? Oh, well, 

"Hallo and Goodbye"ween, I guess...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Just look how young I am!" (But he's mutton dressed as lamb.) Well, it IS National Poetry Day...

******************************

can those who look good
in their fifties also look
good in their onesies?...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Wallace and Vomit: the one to miss...

The episode where Chris Wallace fails to control

an unruly, overgrown baby. Made me sick. (PG). 

Last in series?...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Car-crash debates cry out for a Ferrari. Can't Nick

fly over and moderate the next one?...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Splish, splash, splosh, what a load of tosh: it's

National Poetry Day! (Not just onomatopoeic -

ONOMATOPOETIC!) 

"Get out of my pub, you're BARD!"...

-------------------------------------------------------------