First impressions...

************************************************

Light travels faster
than sound. Which is why John seemed
bright - until he spoke!...

************************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, Melinda Messenger used to be able to 'stand

around for an hour' on a photoshoot and get £20,000. No

wonder they say "Don't shoot the Messenger" - it costs 

too much!...(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, January 31) 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

ESCHEWING GUM - the giving up of an unseemly habit...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The EU 'vaccine war' against the UK continues apace. Still

no knockout punch, but the EU does seem to be struggling

in the face of the UK's sudden flurry of jabs...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

COMPEWTER TANKARD - ideal gift for IT workers 

with a thirst for knowledge...

-----------------------------------------------------------

**************************************

Bugger! All I did 

was give the snowman his jab, 

and look - he's out cold!...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

The policeman drew his gun and pointed it at the

melting snowman - "Freeze!" he screamed...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Does Carey Mulligan really think actresses shouldn't

be judged on their looks? I find her pretty silly - though

some might consider her not quite pretty enough silly.

Not sure which she'd prefer...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Borisn't the perfect PM...

************************************

Boris does make a

lot of gaffes. No wonder they 

call him 'the gaffer'...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

DO BUY! - luxury shopping destination in the UAE.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Behind every man: now Carrie Symonds has 

helped stop the badger culling, will someone

now help stop HER badgering Boris?...

----------------------------------------------------------

Looks like our social influencers are going to

have to say Dubye-bye for a while to the Gulf 

that exists between themselves and their many 

followers...

----------------------------------------------------------

King Edward's jacket...

******************************

What goes best with a

Prada jacket potato? -

"A well-dressed salad?"...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

In with a shout...

--------------------

Was it after a hell of a row with her husband that

mum-of-three Helen Glover realised she was still

good enough to row for GB at the Olympics?...

-------------------------------------------------------------

If chess can help a woman find a knight in shining

armour (news item), can it also help a man find a 

pawn star? (Hey, a man can dream)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Comma, comma, comma (chameleon?)

************************************

My three fav'rite things

are eating my dachshund and

not using commas...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------

A model in a Gruyere jumper? No more stupid 

than a potato in a Prada jacket, I suppose...

--------------------------------------------------------

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world...

*********************************

We've got four kids. One

of each: female, bigender,

trigender and male...

*********************************

('We're trying for an androgyne next': 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

KNEES OP MOTHER BROWN - Charity record for

NHS & Age UK...(V. Hefter, Daily Mail, January 26)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I gather several nightclubs have donated their computers

to Mail Force. Which explains their now laptopless dancers...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seems there's nothing Piers Morgan likes more than making 

a mug of Coffey in the morning... (Work & Pensions Secretary

Therese Coffey cuts short GMB interview)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not only has the pandemic driven a million more to hit the 

bottle, looking around at people's girths, it could just as easily

be called a 'chip pan'demic...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************

What's the difference between speeding up

in a car or on an e-scooter? You have to put

your foot down in a car...

******************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------

I suspect the closest Piers Morgan will ever

get to becoming a vegan will be to stop reading

anything written by Lamb or Bacon...

----------------------------------------------------------

If lockdown is indeed shortening our life 

expectancy, then these 'once in a generation' 

Scottish referendums will be coming round 

far more frequently than we'd imagined...

-----------------------------------------------------------

As to any lingering hopes I still have that

Scotland wants to remain in the Union,

would an 'illegal' referend 'em once and for all?..

------------------------------------------------------------

With a grandmother called 'Granny Butter', you

can see where Boris Johnson gets his middle-

age spread from...

------------------------------------------------------------

All egg & no chips...

***********************************

I've bought a Clarice

Cliff plate! Not a single chip

on it! Just some egg ...

***********************************

('Must have been a breakfast plate': 17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

When is a lockdown denier not a lockdown denier?

When he's 100 denier. As thick as my wife's tights

(or two planks?), in other words...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

If one Covid denier talks sheer nonsense, how sheer

is the nonsense talked by five deniers? - '5 denier'

sheer, just like my wife's tights. That's pretty sheer...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Where does it hurt? "All over England!"...

********************************************

I broke my foot in

three places: Leeds, Hull and Poole.

Unlucky, or what?...

********************************************

(17 Very Sillybles)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Raymond Blanc named an apple tart after his mother?

How very sweet. Is that why someone named 

Blancmange after him?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Granting pardons is usually a President's final act. Not

so for Joe Biden - clearing his throat was the first thing 

he did. But there was no need, the words that came out

of it on inauguration day were pretty uplifting, all told.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

What form of punishment awaits the WASHINGTON DC

rioters? - CAPITOL punishment?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Maman Blanc (tarte aux pommes): Raymond Blanc's

mother may well have been the apple of his eye, but I'm

pretty sure she wasn't a tart. So why name one after her?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife's a slapper. "Ouch!"...

******************************************************

I should never have refused to give my wife

a bikini wax. I might have avoided the head 

whacks I got in return...

******************************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------

Liquid assets? WHAT liquid assets?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bang goes my 'fast-flowing current' account. The income 

stream running into it is no more than a dribble these days...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Theresa May attacks the PM. Again...

**********************************

Who isn't one of

the darling buddies of May?

Not Boris, surely?...

**********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 22: 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------

THE HILARY MANTELPIECE - where I

keep my books on historical fiction...

----------------------------------------------

Ain't life grand - not!...

*****************************************

I thought trouble came

in threes - seems it now comes in

multiples of three...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

So Euan Blair is now richer than his dad? Cue future

Trivial Pursuit question: which Blair project made

almost as much money as the Blair Witch Project?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

A country in disarray...

----------------------------

In his farewell speech to America, Donald Trump 

says he achieved what he set out to do. Wow, an 

admission of guilt! At last!...

------------------------------------------------------------

weird or what?...

***********************************

the surest way to 

take the gloss off an antique

is to varnish it!...

***********************************

('Profit or (g)loss?'17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GYM-JAMS - what I wear for Joe Wicks's workouts...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 19)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Donald Trump would be hard pressed to 'shoot someone 

on Fifth Avenue and still win' right now. There's no-one there!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...and now he wants to raise $2 billion for a presidential 

library, apparently. $2 BILLION?! That's a heck of a lot

of crayons and colouring-in books...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife hates her biological clock: the small hand that

reminds her of a baby's, the large hand that's constantly

slapping her across the face and taunting her. I keep

telling her to go digital...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

How do I relieve anxiety? I lock myself in my 

single brain cell, throw the key out of the window, 

and dream of all the mundane things I've taken for 

granted and am suddenly missing terribly. Eat your 

heart out, Paul McKenna...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Or was it Mick, last night at the pub?...

******************************************

Nobody likes a 

name-dropper. You know who told

me that? Clint Eastwood...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Whatever happens in future programmes of Dancing

On Ice, a determined Denise has already proven

herself to be an Outen out winner...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, Trump likes patriots. But what really seems to get

his juices flowing is - patrioters!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

They're making a documentary about Boris & Carrie's

money woes, apparently. They're calling it 'A (Lack of)

Cash & Carrie'...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

So there's a new TV drama being made about Boris, 

Wilfred & Carrie, called 'The Sceptred Isle'? Why not 

call it 'The Imbec-Isle, the Juven-Isle & the Volat-Isle'?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does nothing ever tickle my fancy?...

*****************************

Am I the only
person who hasn't got a
fancy that's ticklish?...

*****************************



(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

I guess only when we've all been inoculated will

Matt Hancock truly have jab satisfaction...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, January 17)

---------------------------------------------------------------

There are so many Covidiots out and about! Remind 

me where we're living again: the British Isles - or 

the Imbec-Isles?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

One Mills & Boon book sells every four seconds. 

Tick...tick...tick...sold!...tick...tick...tick...sold!... 

'second hand books' takes on a whole new meaning: 

it's all about that second hand!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

'How Heather propositioned her toyboy on a train' 

(newspaper headline). Sounds like the start of 

another Heather Mills & Boon bodice-ripper...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Who needs Mills & Boon when you've got Mills &

Karmal/Terrill/Stapleton/Mincione/McCartney and

Dickman? When it comes to romance, Heather takes

some beating...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Do not resuscitate...

***************************************

The ICU: could 

this be the moment after which

ICU no more?...

***************************************

('The parting of the ways': 17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Heading - into trouble...

------------------------------

Tackling a footballer can cause a lot of damage -

not tackling dementia can cause even more...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Josh Hawley's raised-fist photo...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A mother raised a child, a child raised a fist, a

fist raised a whole host of questions - where to

now, USA?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

"I've just caught my first fish" - "BRILL!" - "No, trout".

----------------------------------------------------------------

Warburtons & Toast Crumpet Beer? Is that

what's meant now by 'a drop of the hard stuff'?...

------------------------------------------------------------

Guy Fawkes let off - with a warning...

******************************

The fireworks were let

off...but I was given a

rocket. Life's not fair!...

******************************

"Why are you standing well back?" I asked the nice policeman.

"Because I'm going to let you off," he replied. (But he did give 

me a rocket, which I also let off later...)

(17 Jolly Sillybles)

--------------------------------------------------------

THE DESERT COURSE - 'loads of sand'wiches...

--------------------------------------------------------

Priti Patel is promising to shake up asylum 

laws - "well, bully for her!"...

---------------------------------------------------------

Seeing as Boris's 'jolly' joke didn't go down too

well, he'd better steer clear of any 'holly' ones. 

We're obviously a little too prickly right now as 

it is...

---------------------------------------------------------

how long's a (parking) metre?...

**************************************

What next? Will our cars 

have to be parked at least two 

meters apart now?...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

There's a new dating app based on psychoanalysis,

apparently. Sounds like the perfect place to find a 

'Jung'frau!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 18)

--------------------------------------------------------------

They've brought back Watneys Party Seven! Falls 

a bit short if you're intending to have one over the

eight, mind. Will one under do?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

No idea where they keep their briefs, mind...

*********************************

I'm told barristers'

go to wardrobes consist of

nothing but law suits...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

"No violence, lawbreaking or vandalism! That is

not what I stand for," says Trump. Then what the 

heck DOES he stand for? He can barely bring

himself to stand for the National Anthem...

------------------------------------------------------------ 

The Signing of the Plaque...

----------------------------------

Not only is the writing on the wall for President 

Trump, he even flew down to the Southern 

border to add his signature to it!...

------------------------------------------------------------

I thought I had type 2 diabetes. But apparently 

it's italic type 2, which puts a different slant on 

things altogether...

-------------------------------------------------------------

VENICE, VIDI, VICI - I came, I saw, I got a gondola.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

VENI, VIDI, da VINCI - I came, I saw, I did a whole bunch of stuff...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I see you, saw you...

******************************

Lumberjacks don't have

to be that attractive for 

trees to fall for them...

******************************

('See-saw: see the tree, saw the tree': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

A small glass of wine a night increases heart risk

by 17%? OK, I'd better stick to large ones...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Being a party to a disappointingly slow vaccine 

rollout, there's not a lot of jab satisfaction for Matt 

Hancock right now...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Marine v Tottenham? They may not have been

playing in the semis exactly, but certainly on a pitch 

right behind a few of them..

---------------------------------------------------------------

Post Brexit knicker elastic to be sold in yards? 

(Letters). Best place to sell it, I reckon!...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Food's not up to much, though...

**********************************

Great news! 'The Quiet

Night Inn' has a 2 for 1 

on homebrew tonight!...

********************************** 

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

At least there's no waiting in doctors' surgeries 

these days, being scared to death by a ca-cough-

cough-cophony of flu sufferers. Every cloud, etc...

--------------------------------------------------------------

No-one's heard a Little Bo Peep out of him since

October - seems Jack Ma really is the Alibaba 

black sheep of the Chinese e-commerce 

community right now..

--------------------------------------------------------------

A GOOD TIM - no end of a good time...

--------------------------------------------------------------

We mourn his passing - but not his heading...

**********************************

When a two-footed

footballer kicks the bucket,

which foot should he use?...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

My gran asked me the other day what Facebook 

and Twitter were. "A pair of suspenders," I replied. 

Well, they do seem to have gone on a bit of a 

suspending spree recently. Just ask Trump and Co...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Talking of vaccines, can we start calling the 82-

year-old John Prescott 'Two Jabs' Prescott yet?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Play me a few bars - CHOCOLATE bars, if poss...

*********************************

Nutcracker Suite Tooth -

what the Sugar Plum Fairy

is said to have had?...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

The Queen announcing her vaccination was

nothing less than a call to arms. Her subjects'

arms. "Bring along your owners, so you can get 

jabbed, too!"... 

--------------------------------------------------------------

The cod philosopher: when life slaps you in the

face with a wet kipper, dab your eyes, don't 

flounder, and everything will turn out 'brill!' 

Never forget there are plenty more fish in the sea 

- the perfect plaice to find a new sole mate!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

If old-timers Stan Bowles & Don Shanks can be 

described as 'as thick as thieves' (news item), can 

present-day footballers who persistently breach 

coronavirus regulations be described as 'as thick 

as two planks'? (Er, that'll be a 'yes')

-------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson a serial miscreant? (News item).

More of a cereal one, I would have thought - such

is his history of sowing his wild oats...

-------------------------------------------------------------

President Trump -------> EXIT

*********************************************************

If nothing else, President Trump has ably

demonstrated the difference between leaving

a mark on society and leaving a stain...

(Quite a long sentence, that - but not as long 

as the one he himself might have to serve 

once he's left office)

*********************************************************

Vaccine, 5ml...

***********************************************

"I'm in a vial mood" - 

"Don't you mean 'vile'?" - "Nope, I'm off

to the Jabcentre"...

***********************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Is it still OK to sow your wild oats if you suspect

they've been genetically modified?...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Thank God for the scientists!...

***********************************

The diff'rence between

'the end is nigh' and 'the end

is in sight'? Vaccines!...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------

'Dry January' too tough for you? Try 'Drei

January': no more than three glasses a day 

of a decent German white! Works for me...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 11)

-----------------------------------------------------

Some people think Covid is nothing to be 

afraid of, some people think it's the end of 

the world. Me? I think the end of the world 

IS nothing to be afraid of. I win!...

---------------------------------------------------------

'What do your candles say about you?' asks

the newspaper article. The fact I don't have 

any probably means they get on my...er, wick?

---------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************

Trump tops 'MOST ADMIRED 

MAN' poll!!! - Hearing this makes me

want to top MYSELF!😠

*********************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why the long delay in charging MP Margaret Ferrier

for travelling by train in breach of coronavirus rules? 

Leaves on the line - the thin blue line?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

We shouldn't be mourning Nobby Stiles' passing. We

should be mourning his heading - that's what triggered

his decline...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

yo(l)kels need not apply...

***********************************

ALBUMEN WANTED - 

male Eggheads needed for a 

quiz show. WHITES ONLY...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

THE ABDOMINAL SNOWMAN - Yeti with a six-pack...

--------------------------------------------------------------

I went to school once. Failed all my exams. Turns 

out once wasn't enough. Hope the same won't apply 

to today's kids...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Prince Harry is said to be involved in 'a string' of

broadcasting projects. A string? Ropey, more like,

judging by what we've heard so far...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Up, two, three...down, two, three...up, two, three...

***************************************

one good thing about

lockdown: it's quite fun keeping

fit in your gym-jams!...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

New laws may allow you to marry in a McDonald's,

apparently. But would that only apply to burghers of

the local parish?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Never mind Netflix's The Crown, dare I suggest that

future Prime Ministerial broadcasts carry a disclaimer

that 'many statements made during the course of this

programme will invariably turn out not to be true'...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris build a better Britain? Does he have any idea

just how much Lego that would take?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Would you settle for 'difficult'?...

**************************

I'd much rather you

didn't call me fussy. I

prefer 'finicky'...

**************************

(17 Sillybles)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Can Paul McKenna cure sleepwalking? My wife says I

sleepwalk so much, and so precariously, she wishes she

had a somnambulance on permanent standby!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

PIANO TUNA - practices on his own scales...🎝

PIANO TUNA - is that the right quai?...🎝

PIANO TUNA - middle sea, you say?...🎝

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Her suit of armour...

******************************

my wife's sly - she thinks

of her hairy body as

hirsute of armour...

******************************

Twice knightly? No chance...

(All armour, no ardour? I'll just 'ave a lager": 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The way things are going, I fear that a 'gap year' is going

to start meaning the period many of us will have to wait 

between the first and second of our two vaccine doses...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

So what if Joan Collins turned down Bobby Kennedy? I

turned down Brigitte Bardot once - but only because my

wife asked me to. 'And God Created Woman' was on the

telly, and she said she was much too loud...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Choose Choo's shoes...

****************************************

Would some expensive

Jimmy 'Choo-choo train'ers stop

me going off the rails?...

****************************************

(What gauge tracksuit goes best with them?)

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trump has just beaten Obama to the title of "America's 

Most Admired Man", a survey has revealed. Here's hoping 

"WHAT A LOAD OF F***ING CRAP!" wins the ensuing 

"Most Admired Reaction ToThis Truly Shocking News" title...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

DO NOT ENTERtainment signs everywhere...

**********************************************

- fat chance of living high 

on the Hogmanay this year!...

**********************************************

-------------------------------------------------

Bugger! I always Knew Year's resolutions

to give up on puns wouldn't work!...

-------------------------------------------------------

Harry & Meghan announce their goal to

'build a better world' - one act of compassion

at a time. Wouldn't it be quicker with Lego?..

-------------------------------------------------------

To coincide with Bridgerton taking over our

screens, I've bought a stylish old banger. Not

quite Regency, perhaps, but it's got a very

attractive new bonnet...

-------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------

Just because daddy's

got hazel eyes doesn't mean

the rest of him's nuts...

-----------------------------------

(The name's Bert. Filbert... 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm a vegan, so I'd rather be married to a breadwinner

than someone who brings home the bacon...

------------------------------------------------------------------