Wordy Wise (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 24)

------------ o ------------

KNIGHTCAP - helmet,

KNIGHTFALL - occupational hazard when jousting,

THE STILL OF THE KNIGHT - that'll be the one he uses to make whisky,

KNIGHTINGALE - Sir Lancelot caught in storm,

KNIGHT NURSE - never tends to mere commoners,

KNIGHTCLUB - no title, no entry,

KNIGHT RIDER - Sir Gordon Richards,

TWELFTH KNIGHT - sub in knights' first XI,
KNIGHT WATCHMAN - bit of a comedown, but needs the money,

LADY OF THE KNIGHT - his missus,

A KNIGHT AT THE OPERA - Bryn Terfel,

STAG NIGHT - Deer Sir, 
THE KNIGHT IS YOUNG - Sir Andy Murray,

THREE-DOG KNIGHT - is Sir Andy thinking of getting a third?

THE KNIGHT HAS A THOUSAND EYES - the doctor will see you now, Sir,

SILENT KNIGHT - mime artist honoured by the Queen.

------------ o ------------

The loner...

***********************************

Life's a party, they

say. If that's the case, I wish

I'd been invited...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

People say Tiger Woods would never have crashed

had he used a driver. I'm not so sure. He's always 

had a problem with drivers...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Much enjoying Jean-Claude Van-Tam's latest role 

as England's deputy chief medical officer. He's 

certainly gor the accent down to a tee...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Talking of dementia, Gordon Taylor's lucky. However

tricky things got for him, years of heading the PFA

were never as traumatic as years of heading a 

football might have been...

---------------------------------------------------------------

better still, cast an eye on a thesaurus...

**********************************

He who is without

synonyms, let him cast the 

first thing rock's made of...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

Whatever floats your boat, I guess...

******************************************

What! TWO superyachts?

It seems there's 'rich...very rich...

and ABRAMOrich!'

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

The times they are a-changin': who needs clever 

literary plots these days? No one's Waiting for 

Godot any more, they're waiting for Gadot - in her 

next outing as Wonder Woman! Yeah, baby...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Following Ribena's lead, isn't it about time conventional

straw polls were replaced by recyclable paper ones?..

---------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not that good, then?...

******************************

my memory's great -

I can't remember when I

last forgot something...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Pimlico: there was I thinking I had a plum job. Seems 

Charlie Mullins's is plumber...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Fond as I am of the White House's two alsations and

No 10's Jack Russell, I do rather miss President Trump's 

poodle. What is Mike Pence up to these days?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

'Carry on working from home,' says Boris: WFH till June? WTF!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

In sickness and in health...

*************************************

"I've got this strange lump

on my side, doctor" - "It's your

husband, Mrs Jones"...

*************************************

("Am I dying, doc?" - "Well, of boredom, possibly": 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

(1) "This is a hammer blow," say Tory MPs of Boris's 

'roadmap'. If they really think we're screwed, it must 

have been a screwdriver, surely?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

(2) "This is a hammer blow," say Tory MPs of Boris's

'roadmap'. Talk about hitting the nail on the head!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The Bow Group may well be concerned about Carrie 

Symonds' role at No 10, but who's looking into the undue 

influence of Dilyn the Dog? The Bow-Wow Group?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

***********************************************

"Having children brighter than me is a 

cross I'd bear gladly," I told my wife. 

"But what if the cross-eyed bear was 

also brighter than you?" she laughed...

***********************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------

Posh Spice's fashion firm may well be in the red, but

I'm pretty sure it's the most stylish shade...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Reading about bitter Tory in-fighting just served to

remind me that the pubs are still closed. Not sure

which I miss more - the bitter or the inn-fighting!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

A £72 bottle of perfume that smells of nothing?

Makes no scents...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Spending an hour on spending a penny......

***********************************

LOOS WAIT - what you might 

well do, having to queue so

long for the 'Ladies'...

***********************************

('The loo queue: who'd be a woman?': 17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Ouch!...

----------

"How come you're so good at DIY?" I ask my wife.

"Because it turns out I'm married to a complete tool," 

she sighs...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Kim Kardashian filing for divorce? Makes a change 

from filing her nails, I guess. Both pretty high

maintenance, that's for sure - but at least there's 

only one Kanye...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

parking meters & social distancing...

****************************************

when parking our cars

now, should we be parking them

two <--------> meters apart?...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

"You flying off anywhere this year?" - "Yeah - the

handle, probably, the way things are going"...

-----------------------------------------------------------

TICKET TO RYDE - that's our summer sorted!...

-----------------------------------------------------------

giving my wife the brush-off - not!...

*********************************

BESOM DORMA - the 

aria that helped me sweep

my wife off her feet!...🎝

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

My son's playing in the snow with no shoes on! (I

was going to join him, but got cold feet)

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 19)

----------------------------------------------------------------

"I don't like those girls in Little Mix," I told my mate.

"Pull the other one," he replied.

"What, the one who left? I tried to, but she said no".

----------------------------------------------------------------

ANIMAL FARMACY - supplier of medicines 

to Napoleon and Squealer...

--------------------------------------------------

Thanks a bunch, Covid!...

**************************************

What am I giving

up for Lent? Nothing! What the

hell's left to give up?...

**************************************

"Put your hands together, ladies & 

gentlemen, and give it up for Lent!"

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Faggots & peas...

---------------------

Talking of faggots (news item), my grandad still has some

faggots and pees every night before going to bed...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Never mind OAP DJs ('slipped disc' jockeys?), how about

our OAP pop stars? Ladies & gentlemen, give it up for 

Gerry Atric & The Rocking Chairs! (Check out their 'bad 

back' catalogue!)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

COTONEASTER EGG - nope, still prefer chocolate!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Covid: that sinking feeling...

************************************

When people say 'the

R is going down', I hope they

don't mean 'with the ship'!...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone

- in bronze, and then place it on the nearest beach.

See if it gets any better reviews than Sir Antony

Gormley's Aldeburgh effort...

---------------------------------------------------------------

I, too, do weird and potentially dangerous things 

in my sleep. My wife jokes that there should be a 

somnabulance on permanent standby...

------------------------------------------------------------

With 167 new toilets installed in them, it looks

like Andrew Lloyd Webber's theatres are going to

be more, er, 'lav'ish than ever... (good news for

ladies: no more need to loos...the will to live!)

------------------------------------------------------------

Idarucizumab, anyone?...

**********************************************

Wonder drugs: the more pronounced 

the effect, the more unpronouncable 

the name?...

**********************************************

---------------------------------------

Moral: never trust 

a drug that rolls off the tongue 

- and onto the floor...

---------------------------------------

(Corollary of 17 Rather Sillybles)

-------------------------------------------------

GIGANTICK - gives a very nasty bite...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 16)

-------------------------------------------------------------

What's my response to KitKat bringing out a vegan

version? Let's just say it involves two fingers!...

-------------------------------------------------------------

A 'tell-all' TV special? Seems the Meghan & Harry

Show is about to become even more of a soap 

Oprah, if that were possible...

-------------------------------------------------------------

If Prince Harry really loves the army and privacy

so much, why doesn't he re-enlist? As a private, 

of course. A very, very private...

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

I name this ship...

********************************

Champagne isn't drunk 

out of a schooner, but can

be used to launch one... 🍾

********************************

('We'll drink from the glass of the glass of the glass-bottomed boat': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

Meghan & Harry aren't alone in having another 

baby - Mr & Mrs Jones from No 42 are having 

one, too. Just sayin'...

---------------------------------------------------------

We may have gone decimal 50 years ago to the 

day, but some things never change. It's still

only a penny for your thoughts...

---------------------------------------------------------

Teaching unions pour cold water on March 8

return to school - and then almost certainly put

it on expenses. It's what they do...

---------------------------------------------------------

Canapés, darling?...

****************************************

Forget finger food,

what my girlfriend craves is ring 

finger food. Carats!...

****************************************

Valentine's Day: love 

is in the air. And so is

Covid, so take care...

****************************************

(17 Syllables x 2)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

It's true, the key to a lasting relationship is arguing. Or, 

if you can't argue, agreeing violently about everything!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"If music be the food of love," sighed my girlfriend, "you'd

better take this Chopin Liszt. We need a decent Valentine

Day's dinner this year" 🎝...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

If music be the food of love, darling, how do you fancy 

some Meat Loaf & Red Hot Chili Peppers this year? With

Hot Chocolate to follow 🎝...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

FRIGID HEIR - no, not the fridge, but the man whose 

coldness led Diana to eventually divorcing him...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Valentine's Day: say it with flowers...

**************************************

What should I give my

Buddhist girlfriend? A bunch of

reincarnations?...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

PEN & INKOME - money earned from my sketches...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Strike a light!...

*******************************************************

Bryant meeting May was a match made in

heaven. Probably the last one, because after

that they were all made in their factories...

*******************************************************

-----------------------------------------------------------------

All my wife and I ever row about is our over-reliance 

on the bloody microwave. And yes, the arguments do 

get heated - but in only 3 minutes!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Do stupid apple jokes have nasty ciderfects?...

****************************************

"How's cider made?" I 

asked the apples. Then I pressed

them for an answer...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Is this what's meant by alternative comedy? (Well,

alternative to apples): "Wow, how did you get such a 

smart crease?" I asked my friend's trousers - then I 

asked him to press them for an answer...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Lord Brittan scandal: chairman of UK Music should

FACE the music. The pressure is growing for Tom to 

lose his job - not quite the same as calling for his 

orchastration [sic], but feelings sure are running high.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Peace & Love (or should that be 'Hairpiece & Love')?

Why isn't Ringoing grey? I'm dyeing to know...

------------------------------------------------------------------

it looked so inviting - not!...

***************************************

my son wanted to 

play in the snow without shoes -

but he got cold feet...

***************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 19: 17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

We're now being asked to call breastfeeding 'chest'feeding.

That's just NUTS! And when I say 'nuts', do I mean

chestnuts or breastnuts? The world's gone mad!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************************************

Not only is my father now choosing to identify 

as a woman, he has also chosen to identify as a 

theoretical physisist. (He just hasn't learned how

to spell it yet.) It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world...

**************************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------------

JAB SEEKERS' ALLOWANCE - no need; the vaccine's free...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 9)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Can you guess why Viagra prescriptions have doubled in a

decade? It's not hard...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Demand for Viagra has doubled in a decade. "Wow, it's

grown enormously!" (Say all its satisfied customers)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

at least that would qualify me...

*********************************

I'd give my right arm

to take part in some single-

handed yacht races...

*********************************

('Better make it the left arm, on reflection': 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------

A Versace mug for £765? Takes one to buy

one, I guess...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 8)

-------------------------------------------------------

All my great-grandad needed to get to work

was a penny-farthing. The same journey 

today would cost about £5:50. That's inflation

for you!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Ten years to sew a replica of the Bayeux Tapestry?

That's longer than it took me to sew my wild oats!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

but at least they match his briefs!...

**********************************

My lawyer's a keep- 

fit nut. He doesn't file law-

suits - he files tracksuits!...

**********************************

(17 Rather Sillybles)

-----------------------------------------------------------

It's my wedding, and I'm having a bawl! (Not all

love stories end happily - some end in marriage)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Late bloomers...

----------------------------------------

Rosie's are red,

Violet's are blue,

Not sure what colour Daisy's are,

(But her waist's 42.)

----------------------------------------

**********************************************************

All over-50s in the UK to be offered vaccine by 

May? That's very generous of her, but it's not 

her decision any more - Johnson's the PM now...

**********************************************************

As for Beverley Turner's reasons for 

refusing to join in the applause for 

Captain Tom - sorry, but I've never 

heard so much 'not wanting to clap'trap...

*****************************************************

Poor old India. Bowling against the England

captain right now must be as enjoyable as 

Root canal treatment...

*****************************************************

AWA'S CAKERY & TAKE IT AWAY'KERY...

*************************************************

Birthday cakes - wedding

cakes - cupcakes - sausage rolls - bread

rolls - meat pies - pizzas...

*************************************************

In the beginning

was the Word. Then came some flour

and a dozen eggs...

*************************************************

(The only 17-syllable bakery in the Gambia!...)

-----------------------------------------------------------

My scales were telling me I'd been putting on a 

couple of pounds a week during lockdown, so I 

knew I had to do something about it.

I got rid of the scales.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 4)

-----------------------------------------------------------

my brain hurts...

***************************************

You mustn't believe

all you hear - lies spread faster

than truth. "So I hear"...

*************************************** 

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Hope Nelson's not the jealous type. He only got

the one column - goodness knows how many have 

been devoted to Captain Tom!...
-------------------------------------------------------------

I name this ship...

***************************************

There's no such thing as

a free launch. Those bottles of

champagne don't come cheap...🍾

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

high enough?...?

**************************************

"Take me to new heights!"

screamed my wife. So I let her 

sleep in the top bunk...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Needle & thread...

-----------------------

The decline & fall of a matinee idol: sad to read

about George Clooney reduced to having to sew

his wild oats these days...

-----------------------------------------------------------

So spinach is now sending out emails? Makes a

change from spam, I suppose...

-----------------------------------------------------------

My wife & I are foregoing a foreign holiday this

year. We'll be having a T-bone steakation once a 

week at the Quiet Night Inn instead. Cushty!...

-----------------------------------------------------------

The meat market...

*****************************************

PULLED PORK: Miss Piggy,

when she gets picked up by some

lad in a nightclub...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

MYAN-MAR-A-LAGO - resort of choice for coup 

organisers...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Now those years of sowing his wild oats are over, 

it seems the ever-resourceful George Clooney has

resorted to sewing them instead. More power to 

his elbow...

-------------------------------------------------------------

It's #Februdairy, so my wife has promised to show

me a bit more of the milk of human kindness for a

while. I give it a week...

-------------------------------------------------------------

New rose named after Captain Tom...

******************************************

"Arise, Sir Tom," said

the Queen. And The Captain Tom

Rose. Bloomin' awesome!...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

WAITING FOR GADOT - how long till the next Wonder

Woman movie?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 9)

----------------------------------------------------------------

SUN & AIR - environmentalist's only child...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Ursula Von Der Woman's super powers seem to be

waning. If, indeed, she ever had any...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Stanley Johnson's new environmental job could well

see him clash with his son. Which is great, as they'll

be forced to speak to each other to clear the air. Of'

noxious gases, hopefully...

----------------------------------------------------------------