RIP...

 ***************************

A breath of fresh air

in a contaminated 

world. Jackie Mason...

****************************

He taught me all my mother didn't want me to know...

('Who said no-one ever died of laughter?':17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If your name is Baker, and you're a baker, it's a case of

nominative determinism. The same can apply if your

name is Dick, as Cressida is currently proving...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Should trans female and female golfers compete on a 

level playing field? No! On an undulating one, like the

rest of us do. With bunkers, and everything...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What's that row? The more disappointing our rowing in 

Tokyo, the more heated the rowing later?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

London's latest tourist 'attraction'...

************************************

The Marble Arch mound?

"I think it's a hillock"...

And the guy who designed it?

"I think he's a pillock"...

************************************

------------------------------------------------------------

CELL-FISOLATION - living without a mobile phone.

-------------------------------------------------------------

RIVER TINE - have we come to a fork?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

FIFE & KNORK - you can't eat soup with a spoonerism,

laddie (old Scottish proverb)

------------------------------------------------------------------

We've all got our standards, right?...

***********************************

Setting the bar high's

not a problem - if you've got

the barstools to match...

***********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 28, 2924: 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

From Gadirova to Gadirovajoyed! Amazing what a 

bronze medal can do...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Who knew Prince Harry was an artist? His best-known 

work is probably his painting of the monarchy as a racist 

and uncaring institution. An abstract, obviously...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Chain gangs, Boris? I live in the Free World, but seem

to have spent half my life in chains: McDonalds,

Starbucks, KFC, Subway...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, right...

******************************************

When spinach tastes of chocolate,

And turps of Bristol Cream, 

I'll look a million dollars...

And know it's just a dream.

******************************************

----------------------------------------------------------

RIP, Jackie Mason. He taught me all my mother 

didn't want me to know. A breath of fresh air in 

a contaminated world...

--------------------------------------------------------------

None of Boris Johnson's numerous U-turns should

be considered in isolation, I was told. But I've just 

been pinged, so I've got no choice...

--------------------------------------------------------------

LILIBETFRED - by appointment to the Duke and

Duchess of Sussex. What are the odds?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Taekwon...'doh!': Jade Jones, Bianca Walkden and 

Lauren Williams will all be kicking themselves.

And scoring every time, ironically...

--------------------------------------------------------------

coming clean...

*****************************

"You wouldn't catch me

in an avocado bath" -

"I wouldn't want to!"...

*****************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

AGRAPHOBIA - fear of visiting the Taj Mahal...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 27)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Sebastian, Faramarz and Kate Shemirani: like father,

like son. Don't like mother...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Some Olympians will go to any lengths to win gold.

Luckily, Adam Peaty only had to go two!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Adam Peaty made quite a splash at the Olympics by

winning gold yet again. Luckily, Tom Daley & Matty

Lee didn't make such a splash - so also won gold!

Congratulations all round...

------------------------------------------------------------------

98% of dog thieves escape without charge, apparently.

"We need more leads," say the cops...

------------------------------------------------------------------

(C)rhyme and (Bad) Pun-ishment...

*****************************************

"Covid? It's made me

a salesman" - "What do you sell?" -

"I sell fisolate"...

*****************************************

(17 Very Sillybles)

----------------------------------------------------------------

It's all a big misunderstanding: English isn't their 

mother tongue, so who can blame illegal immigrants 

for assuming the English and Bristol Channels WERE 

the proper 'channels' people kept referring to? The 

English one just happens to be nearest...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Good to know Prince Harry does everything by the

book. Even if it turns out to be ghostwritten...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

When Harry eventually gets brought to book, it'll serve

him right if it's one of his own ghostwritten ones...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Make-up for men? I tried some concealer yesterday.

Didn't work. The Mrs still found me...

----------------------------------------------------------------

You biquitous? Yes, I am...

********************************************

Emma Corrin's in

everything these days! Where next?

"Corrination Street?"...

********************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I believe Harry is in the process of pioneering a brand new book

genre: litterature...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOKYO 2020: Wow, 'hardly a single fan'tastic opening ceremony!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, Harry's got a four-book deal! Just imagine the sort of deal

he'd have had if he actually had something interesting to say...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A clerihew (long overdew)...

----------------------------------

If fish 'n' chips in fat is fried, it's fair to say I'm satisfied.

But I'm thrilled when it's grilled...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dung -fu fighters: kung-fu fighters who fight dirty...

************************************

Kick my husband in

the groin, and he'll take it on 

the chin. Confusing...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

My dad doesn't half-inch stuff any more - he's gone 

metric. Mind you, he still gets arested by the Yard...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 23)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I used to take most of my dietician's dire warnings with a 

pinch of salt - till she told me pepper would be healthier...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now you see me, now you...still see me?

*****************************************

Concealer doesn't 

always work - Jane applied some,

and I still found her!

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

At last Sir Ian Mckellen and I have something in 

common: he's bestriding the stage in Windsor, and I live 

in a wonderful ancient Hamlet!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The way things are going, I reckon Holly & Phil will be

presenting 'Dancing on Ice-olation' later this year!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

When Prince Harry heard that many people thought he 

should be brought to book, he probably thought the best

book to be brought to would be one written by himself...

(It hasn't got a title as yet - he's not even sure if it's allowed to have

 one. Nor will he be entitled to any, er, 'royalties', of course, haha...)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

The British Aisles are struggling right now: Tesco, Sainsbury's, 

Morrisons, Lidl...soon the only thing left on the shelf will be me!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm afraid he's going downhill fast...

***********************************

Skiing's not cheap - breaking

an arm and a leg can cost

an arm and a leg!...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------

"If I win the lottery, will all my dreams come

true, dad?" - "Sure, son" - "What? Even the one

about being chased down the M4 by a rabbit

with a candle up its arse? Bloody hell, dad"...

--------------------------------------------------------

Will Harry's new book be given a title? (And, 

if so, will it be allowed to keep it?)

--------------------------------------------------------

Anti-sex beds for the Olympians? No wonder 

it's called a village and not a condom-inium!...

----------------------------------------------------------

Wild pigs are digging up trouble for our climate,

apparently (news item). Never was a big fan of 

boarholes!...

----------------------------------------------------------

How do you sleep at night?...

***************************************

lying on my bed is

so much more comfortable than

lying on my CV...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

"I'm writing this not as the fun-loving guy I used

to be, but as the bore I've now become," is what

Prince Harry probably meant to say...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 23) 

The sub-editors are a bunch of total incompetents. Just sayin'...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Looks like this virus thing's going to run as long as...

CORONA-NATION STREET - (there's no better 

soap to wash your hands in than a long-running one, haha)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

MISPRINTS HARRY - how he'd be known if his

memoir's first handwritten efforts were published 

verbatim. Not the sharpest tool in the box..

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Seeing as Wee Jimmy Krankie is just a minute 

comedienne, why isn't she the new Just A Minute host?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

foreplay: patience is a virtue...

************************************

Osculation? It's

something one has to at least

pay lip service to...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Animal lovers are never happier than when it's

been raining cats and dogs for donkey's years...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 20)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Just as Lewis Hamilton was sending an e-mail to

Max Verstappen, his computer crashed. Typing 

way too fast, by all accounts...

-----------------------------------------------------------

When Lewis Hamilton's computers crash, is it

ever his fault?...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Lewis Hamilton's computer crashed. "Hard drive?"

I asked. "Yeah, man. Verstappen pushed me just a

little too far...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Because no noise annoys?...

****************************************

BBC to use

fake crowd noise in Tokyo. Sound

idea, I'd call that...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

If a man drives a car that goes from 0 to 60 in 2½

seconds, how long will it take him to cross London?

"About three hours?"...

---------------------------------------------------------------

"STOP THROWING TANTRUMS OVER STATUES!" says

Oriel tutor. So what does she suggest we do throw

over them, then?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Foie gras...

--------------

Now scientists have come up with lab-grown 'faux gras'

for carnivores, how soon before they come up with 'faux 

grass' for vegans?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Transparency in Government's very important. So don't

complain if you can see right through our current PM...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

An honest chef will never cook the books...

***********************************

unlike journalists, 

writers of cookbooks always

reveal their sauces...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Top-ranked golfer John Rahm was born with a club

foot. apparently. I wonder which club it was - a 

9-iron or a wedge, perhaps?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

So what if someone built a Spitfire in their garden?

I grew a tree! I thought it was an oak, but the Mrs

swears blind it's a plane!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

SEMICOLONOSCOPY - only half as effective as

the real thing, presumably?...

--------------------------------------------------------

We're becoming a self-isolation nation...

*********************************

Damn! This NHS 

app is starting to drive me

hopping-ping-ping mad!...

*********************************

('Nothing but a ****ping liability!': 17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I started reading Liz Jones's new novel, 8½ Stone, last

night, but nodded off after the first couple of ounces...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Has GB News committed Guto Harri-kiri? Or are reports 

of its demise grossly exaggerated?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just how many billion-air miles can you earn on a space jaunt?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

An arm and a legacy, hopefully...

*******************************************

"Joanna's husband's

left her!" - "Well, good for her! How 

much as he left her?"...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

LOAN WOLF - loan shark with an identity crisis...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

TOMATO SORCERY - goes best with magic mushrooms.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

LOAN WOLF - loan shark who acts on his own...

----------------------------------------------------------

FRESH HEIR - Charles ascends to the throne...

----------------------------------------------------------

"Her husband's left her!" - "Really? How MUCH as he left her?"...

********************************

I'd love to see my

name in print - preferably

in a rich man's will...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

DIY: A happy second marriage means you've 

made a good job of re-pairing yourself...

(Vincen Hefter, Daily Mail, July 15)

----------------------------------------------------------

I miss Bracken Britton on morning TV - "Don't 

you mean Fern?" - Probably. I can never tell the 

difference...

----------------------------------------------------------

What's the betting gambling ads will taint our 

Olympics coverage? A fiver says they will...

----------------------------------------------------------

**************************

No one wants to buy

my autobiography.

Story of my life...

**************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Withington mural: Marcus Rashford may well be on 

the side of a house, but the whole nation seems to 

be on the side of Marcus Rashford!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Is the writing on the wall for racism? If the wall's in

Withington, it looks like it might well be. Here's 

hoping!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, but Boris's July 19 stage four confirmation was 

about as uplifting as a stage four cancer diagnosis...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, newspaper columnist, but being XXXL doesn't

stop anyone being an XXXLent nurse, OK?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

you slurring your words again?...

************************************

if speaking's not that

easy, then you've been in the

speakeasy too long!

************************************

(17 Sillybles)

---------------------------------------------------------

Why do sportspeople have to step up to the

plate when it's the cup they're after?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 13)

---------------------------------------------------------

"Football's coming home!" Proof positive that 

fans who egg on their team can end up as fans 

with egg on their face...

---------------------------------------------------------

Euro 2020: England lose in final. What a 

DISAPPOINTED FANtastic night of drama!...

---------------------------------------------------------

Three Penalty Mrs...

-------------------------

Mr Rashford,

Mr Sancho,

Mr Saka...they all

Mr Penalty.

(No surprise there, seeing as their manager was

Gareth "Missed a Penalty" Southgate)

-----------------------------------------------------------

My heart's as heavy as a Saka potatoes...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Hey, it's fine, I'm an animal lover...

***************************************

Bugger! It never 

rains but it paws. Cats and dogs

by the sound of it...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------

The Tour de France: if all the world's a stage, 

what's the betting Mark Cavendish could still 

win it in a sprint finish?...

---------------------------------------------------------

Since I started seeing a psychiatrist, I've lost

3½ stone. No wonder they're called 'shrinks'...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 21)

--------------------------------------------------------- 

Liz Jones's new novel is 8½ Stone. But hey, I 

can lift it with two fingers...

-------------------------------------------------------

I'll have to get it neutered...

******************************

my poodle's rather

embarrassing - it always

comes when I whistle...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

At the end of the day, there are way more important 

things than a football match - but hey, 8:00pm's not 

the end of the day, so "COME ON, ENGLAND!"...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

'Shrieking' Aryna Sabalenka and I went out for a 

drink after her loss. "My shout!" she insisted.

Way too loudly...

---------------------------------------------------------------

July 19? Those of us who think Freedom Day should

be delayed a month are in august company. If that's 

not a sign, I don't know what is...

---------------------------------------------------------------

The B's knees of classical music...

Bach,

Bartok,

Beethoven,

Berlioz, 

Bizet,

Brahms,

Britten

Bruckner...

------------------------

That's quite a Liszt.

------------------------

****************************************************

If Boris Becker is no longer allowed to call 

a woman pretty, am I no longer allowed to 

call the modern world pretty silly? (If not, 

I'd happily settle for 'silly')

****************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------

Who said football was a game of two halves? I 

had at least six halves and a chaser!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Seems England have perfected the art of winning by 

fair means or "foul, ref!" That was never a penalty...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Raheem Sterling: the man who puts the 'diver' into

'diver'sity... (See above!)

----------------------------------------------------------------

The Queen's Head...

*****************************************

Twenty-pound notes are

no more than drinks vouchers to

an alcoholic...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is Boris posing with a No 10 shirt? Surely he's a

right-winger? Or a left-winger. Not sure even he knows.

Let's just call him versatile. Anyway, we've no chance of

winning anything with him at No 10...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Shame Boris is wearing a No 10 shirt. I don't just want

our country to be led by a forward thinker, but by a

centre-forward thinker!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Why the hell is Boris posing with a No 10 shirt? I'm sure

he was great a passing exams, but passing balls? No 

bloody chance...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris with a No 10 shirt? What we need is a PM who's as

good at thinking outside of the box as Harry Kane is at 

thinking inside of it!... 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

How come Emma Raducanu is suddenly headline news,

whilst Jack Draper can continue to lead his life in the 

full glare of almost total anonymity...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I've only got a bowler...

*************************************

Cap to be lifted

on care home visits! "But what

if I ain't got one?"....

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------

No cap on care home visits? Yippee, now I can

visit with no cap on!...

--------------------------------------------------------

GARDEN PESTO - delicious with snails!...

--------------------------------------------------------

ABBOTTOIR - 'care home' for elderly monks...

--------------------------------------------------------

my neighbour, the stripper...

************************************

"I've got nothing on 

right now, so why don't I just

pop round and see you?"... 

************************************

(17 Syllables) 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

That old chestnut about 'corduroy pillows making headlines'

still makes people laugh, apparently. And no wonder. As all

comedians know, it's the quality of their material that matters,

and there's no better material than corduroy - it lasts forever!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If, as John Bercow suggests, Theresa May is as a wooden as

a coffee table, what sort of wood is he talking about? Elder, 

perhaps, like my coffee table? That really would make her 

an elder statesman, haha...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

how tough can it be?...

***********************************

"If I've learnt to live

with you, I can learn to live

with Covid, darling"...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Britain has a new sporting heroine in Emma Raducanu.

(Vincent Hefter, New at Tennis, London)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Still think they should have put Matt Hahn/Cock 

on the fourth plinth for a while, as a modern-day

version of the stocks...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Cap to be lifted on care home visits. Quite right,

too. Courtesy counts...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear friends - but not that dear...

********************************

"Admission's free!" my

friends tell me. So I never

pay them - a visit.

********************************

('My nearest and dearest cheapest': 17 Syllables)

Start 'em early...

*************************************

To reach the top in

golf, you need to start at five.

Maybe five-thirty...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A Short Story, by Vincent Hefter...

-----------------------------------------

"I once entered a short story competition. And Won!" That 

was it, haha! It's a work of fiction. As is this. Or is it?...

Now available in paperback.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I have to thank Matt Hancock for finally explaining what

'cautious hugging' actually means before he left office. It's

'checking no-one's coming along the corridor', apparently.

Well, at least he practised what he preached...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 4)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

...hey, there's always needlework...

************************************

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck - my

fucking anger management

course has been cancelled!...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

We've seen more than enough pics of Wilf taken from

behind so we can't see his face, but it's Boris we can't

wait to see the back of!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

A certain Love Islander 'enjoyed sex eight times a 

day'? Bollocks! Many of my friends have had sex 

eight times a day - but none of them ever 'enjoyed 

it' more than twice!...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Women drivers!...

***********************************

If you drive a man

up the wall - you'll probably

fail your driving test...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------

The road to de-mask us is paved with good 

intentions. Well, we certainly hope so...

----------------------------------------------------

What, no high tea?...

**************************************

No need to lay the

Table Mountain. We'll have tea

when we get back down...

**************************************

('Memories of Cape Town': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

One Direction, Mk II...

---------------------------

If Fleur East and  Kanye West joined forces, 

should they call themselves Two Directions?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 1)

---------------------------------------------------------