*********************************

I'm a roly-polyglot - that's
fat in anyone's language...

*********************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 26)
-------------------------------------------------------------
The number of Brits who spend too long sitting
down has leapt by 22%, apparently. I fear our
telly might be going the same way: way too much
sitcom, not nearly enough stand-up, haha...
-------------------------------------------------------------

Education Secretary nominated...

************************************************

Gavin Williamson, MP of the Year?
Well, yes - if the 'M' stands for MASSIVE
and the 'P' is left to your imagination...

************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The best way to beat bad skin? With birch branches
in a sauna! (It's the best way to beat any skin, haha...)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What d'you mean, Simon Rattle's a lightning
conductor? - "Well, apparently he can get through
Chopin's 'Minute Waltz' in about 30 seconds"...(he's a
conductor of some note, by the way - but I'm not
musical, so I've no idea what note that is)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
BOX WINE - what pugilists do when they hit the bottle.
Confusing, I know. (Marquess of Queensberry rules:
when hitting the bottle, make sure it's never below the belt)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Congratulations, Jimmy Anderson. 600 Test wickets!
I doff my hat (which also happens to be a bowler,
coincidentally, haha...)
-------------------------------------------------------------------

turn off the light refreshment...

************************************

if the light of your
life is the light in your fridge,
then you've got problems...

************************************



('For services to OBEsity': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------
The Last Knight of the Proms? Sir Roger
Norrington, 2008. Who better to ask about
whether to drop Land of Hope and Glory
and Rule, Britannia!...
--------------------------------------------------------
If love is a drug, it's probably marriaguana...
--------------------------------------------------------
Donald Trump: well below par in office, well
above par on the golf course. Would that it
were different. (Family motto: 'play a lot of
balls, talk a lot of balls')
--------------------------------------------------------
ABRIDGE TOO FAR - leave out important bits.
...(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 25)
---------------------------------------------------------
Who agrees with Rule, Britannia! and Land of
Hope and Glory being performed without lyrics
at the Last Night of the Proms? I'm pretty sure
Sir Henry Woodn't...
---------------------------------------------------------

Boris, Carrie & Wilfred holiday pics...

Baby in papoose...

CARRIE'S baby in papoose...

BORIS carries baby in papoose...

...not only is the baby growing, so are the sentences!...

---------------------------------------------------------------
When on holiday, it's best to leave your homophones at home...
---------------------------------------------------------------
"It's the phoniness of it all," says Maryanne Trump
of her brother. "Not to mention the mobile-phoniness,"
she might have added: that constant stream of
paranoid tweets...
---------------------------------------------------------------

my scaly anteater friend...

************************************

"Can I borrow your
scales?" I asked the pangolin.
"Wow, I've lost 3 pounds!"...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Pangolins always know how much they weigh -
they never go anywhere without their scales...
--------------------------------------------------------------
I've heard of 'fender benders', but Harry Maguire's
drinking antics have introduced me to another
phrase: 'defender benders'. Not sure if forwards
are allowed to join in!...
--------------------------------------------------------------
Tell you what, why not give all those snowflakes
who get offended by full stops a semicolonoscopy?
That'll teach 'em!...
--------------------------------------------------------------
Has it blown over yet?...
------------------------------
Someone should have told dim-witted Education
Secretary Gavin Williamson that checking whether
the coast is clear doesn't necessitate a trip to the
seaside!...
--------------------------------------------------------------
A bar in Mykonos with its own helipad? It's what
the rich do, right? They don't just swim. They
helipaddle... (Beware benders in the 'Jewel in the
Aegean', Harry - from opals to no pals in the blink of an eye)
--------------------------------------------------------------

Calcu-lator, alligator...

***************************************

ABBACUS - Swedish
group you could always count on
...for a catchy tune.

****************************************



('It'll also help work out the number..of hits they had!': 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Carry On Camping...
---------------------------------------------------------------
A tent overlooking the ocean, a PM overlooking the
fact that his country needs him. Nice one, Boris...
---------------------------------------------------------------
If there's one thing a downhill racer doesn't want,
it's to compete on a level playing field.
Steep mountains are way better...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Better than over-the-counter remedies: it's
official!(ish): if you've gone down with the dreaded
lurgy, you can't beat popping down to the shops and
cough...cough...coughing up for some honey!...
---------------------------------------------------------------

there's more meat on a butcher's pencil!...

********************************

MADONNA KEBAB -
the only kebab with quite
a LOW fat content...

********************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
So Trump wants his face added to Mount Rushmore?
How about adding just his heart? It's already made of
stone, so there wouldn't be much work involved...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Seems being asked to work on the DeGeneres show is
tantamount to being sent to Ellen a handcart!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
RAYMOND BLANCMANGE - he's really rather sweet...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
When it comes to nominative determinism,
James Blunt is the exception that proves the rule
 - he's as sharp as they come...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Did 'A brilliant idea hit her' mugs encourage domestic
violence? (news item): I wonder whether they flew off
off their own handle when Sainsbury's withdrew them?..
---------------------------------------------------------------------

                                 -----------------------------------------------------------
                                  I fail to understand how any sentient being can
                                  still be willing to vote for this vile creature...
                                 -----------------------------------------------------------

Government exam results U-turn...

***********************************************************

Farewell, BBC! Thanks to recently released
teacher estimates, it's now been upgraded to
AAB - and not a moment too soon!...
-----------------------------------------------------------
(Whilst Gavin & Stacey was arguably one of
the all-time great sitcoms, how else to describe
'Gavin & Boris' but as a comedy of errors?)

***********************************************************
---------------------------------------------------------------
RHEA GUNNER - flightless bird who 'flew' in WWII...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
LAME DUCK PRESIDENT - quack who promotes hydroxychloroquine.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
US mail-in voting is a problem that needs addressing...
addressing...addressing...addressing...addressing...
addressing ...and don't forget the zip code!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

a load of balls (22, to be precise)

***************************************************

In order to take over his crown, I suggest
Ronnie O'Sullivan's fellow professionals
form an orderly cue - and practise with it
for hours on end!...

***************************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
My wife's a broad, as it happens...
=======================
Who oversees those who oversee where we can go overseas?
------------------------------------------------------------
Lewis Hamilton wants to put a lot of pressure on
Pirelli to improve their tyres. I reckon 21.5psi's
worth of pressure should do it, Lewis!... (only a
few races in, but it's already F Won for No. 44)
------------------------------------------------------------
Heard on Test Match Special: "most cricketers like
to have Annette before they go out to bat"...
Who the heck's Annette, and isn't she taking
generosity just a little too far?...
------------------------------------------------------------

The poems of John 'Parra' Keats...

****************************************

A pretty polly-
technic? Is that where you learn
things parrot-fashion?...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
There seemed to be quite a long cue outside the
Crucible the other day. I wonder whose it was?...
------------------------------------------------------------
Are bikes always painful for women? Or only
when they're on their cycle?...
------------------------------------------------------------
Not only can Covid make your hair fall out (news
item), but a bad cut can make you and your
hairdresser fall out!...
------------------------------------------------------------
Is Prince Charles under the illusion that 'showing
one's mettle' means wearing one's medals?...
------------------------------------------------------------

YOU CAN'T BEAT 
- THE BRITISH -
          




      when it comes to losing gallantly 





---------------------------------
We're unbeatable!
(But only when it comes to
losing gallantly)
---------------------------------
(17 Syllable version)
----------------------------------------------------------------
If it is curtains for Debenhams, it's probably because
not enough people said 'it's Debenhams for curtains',
seeing as they were usually way cheaper elsewhere.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Lord Sumption writes that we've got a rudderless
ship (of state). If you ask me, its raft (of ideas) isn't
up to much, either. We're doomed, I tell you!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Meghan (& Harry's) 'ME & MY PAL'atial hideaway...

**************************************

Feminists don't buy
mansions, Meghan. They buy 'I
don't need a man'sions...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------
A $14m mansion? When Meghan & Harry
said they wanted to live in isolation, it seems
what they really meant was 'paradisolation'...
--------------------------------------------------------
'FINDING FREEDOM'? What a liberty...
--------------------------------------------------------
Santa Barbara, eh? Good to know Meghan &
Harry have decided to live in the full glare of
total anonymity...
--------------------------------------------------------

Still beats German Shepherd's pie, mind...

*****************************************

First course, second course,
damp course? I knew that cottage
pie tasted funny!...

******************************************



And to drink? Why, the single-storey house 
red, of course, Very, very dry, obviously...



(17 Rather Sillybles)
--------------------------------------------------------
POETREE - I'm missing my tree, and my tree's
missing me...(V. Hefter, Daily Mail, August 18)
--------------------------------------------------------

Newcastle concert's cattle pen-style enclosures...

***********************************

Singer-songwriter
Sam Fender doesn't just pen
songs - he pens his fans!...

***********************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------
Puppy prices double in lockdown (Mail) -
Pedigree dogs, pedigreedy breeders?
-----------------------------------------------------
Triple lock? Is this the Government trying
to provide pupils with A-level playing field?
-----------------------------------------------------

Daisy, Daisy, quite contrary...

*******************************

"Kiss me," said Tom as
he tended the barbecue.
"OK, but no tongs!"...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------
M&S marketing 'tobacco' coloured bras?
(news item) Ideal for the filter tit market,
presumably, haha...
----------------------------------------------------

that'll be their comical anatomical middle, right?...

***************************************

She plays hard to get.
He plays to get hard. Then they
meet in the middle...

***************************************



If my wife and I can't decide on whether or not 
to get intimate, we invariably meet in the middle. 
Our anatomical middle, haha...



(17 Syllables)

As soon as he Caesar colleague he fancies...

*****************************************************

I can see how McDonald's former boss got
tempted. Caesar Salad or seize a woman?
Seems he went for the less healthy option.
We've all been there. Not.

*****************************************************



(News item)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Is a Covid cannibal's bubble & squeak tasty? No idea.
Depend's who was in his bubble, I guess...
----------------------------------------------------------------

a couple of "my wife and I are so close" jokes...

---------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are so close, we even finish each
other's sentences. When she got 3 years for 

fraud, I served the last few weeks for her...
---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are so close, we even share
diseases. "A bad case of 'his and 'her'pes,"
said the doc...
-----------------------------------------------------------
I think you'll find related 'his and her'maphrodite
and 'gaolkeeper' jokes elsewhere on this site...

***********************************************************

NEWS SUMMERY - plenty of sun is forecast!...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 11)
-----------------------------------------------------------
Great news! Apparently, you don't need an air
rifle to shoot the breeze...
------------------------------------------------------------
What on earth is it that women see in the Pol'dark
and handsome Aidan Turner? Beats me...
------------------------------------------------------------

Why don't you just f*** cough, cough, cough, Covid!...

Meanwhile, for our delight and delectation, some rather appropriate comfort food courtesy of Awa's Cakery. Enjoy...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
However controversial her views on sex and gender issues,
I doubt JK Rowling has any problem with trans-lators, seeing
as her books are now available in 80 languages...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nice picture of the Queen walking with a crook at Balmoral.
Reminds me of Andrew walking with one in Central Park.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm popping upstairs, and I may be some time...

-----------------------------------
I'm doing nothing to
stop the virus, me - and you
can't do more than that!...
-----------------------------------
(17 Rather Sillybles) - though I must admit, it's taking longer than I thought...
---------------------------------------
murder/mans laughter...
--------------------------------------------------------
Killing vegans with a steak through the heart?
That's wrong on so many levels...
--------------------------------------------------------
4 years after her death, Zsa Zsa Gabor goes
on a farewell tour of Europe. That's one way
of guaranteeing arriving everywhere dead on
time, I suppose...
--------------------------------------------------------

cutting parents down to sighs...

***********************************

the only thing our
son wears out faster than his
shoes is his parents...

***********************************



("Thing? You call me a thing?": 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Another Mail on Sunday double: 1) When it comes
to colonialism, it seems all Rhodes no longer lead to
Rome, but invariably to Cecil... 2) I know Coleen
told Wayne to pack in his philandering. But seven
suitcases? That's a lot of philandering!.. (they both
make sense in context!)... (Vincent. Hefter (aka
Christina Schaffer, Mail on Sunday, August 9)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Who needs to mix with thousands of other sun-
seekers? I'm off to the beech. It's at the end of our
garden - blessed solitude and my very own deck
chair!...
---------------------------------------------------------------

The cross Channel ferries became even crosser - and the sea sighed...

**************************************

Illegals fail to
cross Channel. Karma. The sea
should have been karma...

**************************************



(17 Svllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------
It's true, the French are far too classy to get drunk.
"Ausse ivre qu'un triton" (inebriated as a newt) is
the correct expression, I believe. (Talking of which,
settling down for the evening with a box set's great!
A box of red, a box of white and a box of that
cheeky rosé. Cheers!...)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
'I'm a Celeb' to be filmed in an English castle? How
soon before they start fighting over who's in charge
of the moat control?...
(Me? I'd rather make love to Keira Nightly)
------------------------------------------------------------------

journeymen footballers...

****************************************

Tom's trapped a nerve, you
say? Wow, he's never shown that
sort of skill before...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
London, Prague, Monaco, France? Wow, Shirley
Bassey's cut an album in four places! Less painful
than breaking a leg in three, I guess...
------------------------------------------------------------
You can keep all your fancy butters - nothing
beats my darling wife's middle-age spread...
------------------------------------------------------------
I'd like to give all makers of 'artisan' butter a pat
on the back. And then I'd give them some baking
soda to wipe it off with...
------------------------------------------------------------
Do heavy smokers become even heavier when
they stop?..(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 7)
------------------------------------------------------------

Yippee, I've cracked it! - "Yippee?"...

********************************

I asked dad to mend
my beautiful vase, and he
tells me he's cracked it...

********************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
The pen is mightier than the sword, especially
when she's protecting her cygnets...
------------------------------------------------------------
No wonder President Trump had a cob on. Being
outwitted by a male Swan is never a good look...
(Axios interview)
------------------------------------------------------------
(MAIL?) ORDER!...
----------------------
Speaker spends £7,500 on new bed. I spend
£59.99 on new speaker. I win!...
------------------------------------------------------------

No, it's definitely a pizza...

**************************

Making a pizza's
as easy as pie. Or is
it a piece of cake?...

**************************



('It's one or the other': 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------
Enough of the "no, it's not a square
meal, it's circular" jokes, OK?...
--------------------------------------------------------
Sean Penn marrying a 28 year-old? Are we
talking wedlock or padlock here? Depends
if the marital home's a Penn-itentiary, I guess.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why did she have to go and marry him?...
couldn't she just have become his Penn pal?...
--------------------------------------------------------

**************************************************

So the wording on Percy Pig packs is
'wilfully misleading'? (news item) Who
knew? Percy Pig's been telling porkies!...

**************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 3)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
ASTRONAUGHTY - popping out of spacecraft for a quick fag...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cats? Couldn't agree more with Andrew Lloyd Webber. The
musical was purrfect, but the movie's rather paw...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 5)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ai Weiwei: a contemporary artist who's weiwei too expensive.
A classic case of nominative determinism?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELIPADDLE - how the affluent wade to their offshore a/cs...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

as written by an overweight male on Sunday...

***************************************************

Overweight political lightweight leads
fight against obesity. Confusing, or what?

***************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 2)
--------------------------------------------------------------
Wearing a mask can cover your arse! Who knew?
(No-one can accuse you of spreading the virus if
you wear one, right?)...Forget 'hands, face, space,'
think 'nose, mouth, arse'...
--------------------------------------------------------------

Tesco's soups are a joke (well, this one is!)

*****************************

Where can I find the
Isle of Mull'igatawny? -
In the tinned soup isle!

*****************************



('Scenic Scotch Broth joke': 17 Very Sillybles)

we all knead dough...

*******************************

if bread is the staff
of life, then life's lucky it
can still afford staff...

*******************************



('seeking crumbs of comfort': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------
Hands, face, space...pollack, haddock, plaice.
Yep, got it. (Man of La Mantra strikes again)
--------------------------------------------------------
Boris Johnson: peerless PM? Debatable. Peer-
less legacy? Not now. 36 new members of the
House of Lords have seen to that!...
--------------------------------------------------------

"you'd need a sub to see 'em," added the, er, sub-editor...

*********************************************

of course you can't see
many wrecks round here - they're all
under loch and quay...

*********************************************



(There is one wreck you can see: the sub-editor himself most weekends: 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------
High I-Queue? Those socially distancing people
waiting in line outside Madame Tussauds may have
been waxworks, but they're still a hell of a lot
brighter than those illegal rave covidiots!...
--------------------------------------------------------------