-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SCH007 FOR SCANDAL - James Bond's first incarnation?

SCH007BOY - the young James Bond.

NIGHTSCH007 - for aspiring secret agents.

DRIVING SCHOO7 - Aston Martins only.

SCH007 TEACHER - instructs agents how to use all those gadgets.

SCH007 LEAVER - yippee, I've got my licence to kill!

CHARM SCH007 - no wonder so many women succumbed!

SCH007 BELL - ring this gadget, and it explodes.

OLD SCH007 TIE - not many live long enough to wear it often.

NURSERY SCH007 - the guns are plastic, the pens squirt water.

SCH007 UNIFORM - the name tags say 'Bond. James Bond'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 1)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The new Bond movie, No Time To Die, got a four star 

review in my paper. Does that mean it's * * * *ing good?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Nurse!"...

**********************************

I went to see The Stud

with Joan Collins last night.

Just the two of us... 

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

The papers published a photo today of the Duchess of 

Sussex wearing a charm that wards off negativity. 

Where can I find one that wards off MEGHAtivity?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr Bean has an HGV licence? If I were a haulage

contractor, I'd have no truck with him. (Probably

because I'd end up with, well - no truck!)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Bloody hell, if South Korea do take dog meat off the

menu, will that mean no more German Shepherd's pie?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner beanies? They're for the joggers...

************************************

If pork pie hats are

for meat eaters, are beanies

solely for vegans?...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Just the tick-Et!...

---------------------

Never mind 24-carat gold-leaf-covered steaks, do they

serve sterling silverside of beef at Nusr-Et Steakhouse,

and is it hallmarked?...

(On second thoughts I'll stick with boiled beef and how

many carats, did you say?)

(Looking at the prices they charge, who wouldn't want

to be a steakholder - a 24-carat gold-leaf one, at that!)

Great place for a crash diet. All I had was a hamburger, and I lost 

100 pounds!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I was one of the lucky ones: I managed to fill my tank 

yesterday. Oiled the turret, checked the gun barrel, and

it's off to Downing Street. If this doesn't scare Boris, 

nothing will...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Coming down the aisle - of white...

***********************************

"When's the train coming,

dad?" - "Just after the bridal

gown, son. Now behave!"...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The BBC sent reporter Phil McCann to cover the petrol 

shortage story this week. Might they send Phil McCavity to 

cover my tooth extraction story? (Being taken out next week)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes there was ONE fabric that renowned clothes horse 

Meghan Markle really didn't like - and that was the fabric 

of British society. She made that abundantly clear...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Three.co.uk...

---------------------------------------------

If Three's a company, is two a crowd?

---------------------------------------------

The Cock and Bullshit...

***************************************

Should we feel ashamed?

Turns out our local's swear box

is too f**king small...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

No, it wouldn't be the end of the world if police wore less 

scary protective clothing. Merely 'body armour'geddon...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Are truculent lorry drivers lorry drivers who have no

truck with the current Transport Secretary?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I took a coach to Hull last week. There and back. Same

as Emma Raducanu took a coach to New York. But she

fired hers and came back on the plane...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

From the archives...

*****************************

It's the Philippines!

With a 'L' and 2 'P's and

a whole lotta sleaze!...

*****************************

(Manila, '96: 17 Remarkably Sillybles)

----------------------------------------------

From 'Gullible's Travels' (1991 - 2001)

---------------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How the f*** do you celebrate a 'Sémi-separation'?

With a glass of Sémi-llon? Or a bottle of Elon Muscatel?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Now they've tried to block a port once, will 

those Insulate Britain 'block'heads be doing 

it over...and Dover...and Dover again?...

---------------------------------------------------------

Harry & Meghan in New York: if they really 

want to turn the whole world green, why have 

they been painting the town red?...

(The whole world's turning green, all right -

with envy at their hypocritical VIP lifestyle!)

---------------------------------------------------------

******************************

Ants in the sugar, 

Flies in the tea,

The milk's on the turn

But it's good to be me...

******************************

(Thailand, '93)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Just found it. Happy days. Gullible's Travels, 1991 - 

2001. "It's a small world," they said, and I believed 

them. Small world, my arse...

------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------

If it really wants to promote gender neutrality, maybe

'Mary'lebone Cricket Club should change its name to 

the 'Peter, Paul and Mary'lebone Cricket Club?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Game, set (to earn millions) and match: Emma Raducanu

is learning fast: 'the fewer returns you net, the greater

your net returns'. And now she's set to earn millions!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

If music be the food of love: I couldn't afford a band of 

gold for my wife, so I got her a cheaper one. A 'tribute

band', she called it...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe this year's Strictly contestants really should 'dance

as if no-one's watching'. Judging by this year's disappointing

launch viewing figures, that might soon be the case!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

What a buzz!...

*****************************************

Wasps always clean their 

wings on pear drops - they prefer

their bathrooms on sweet...

***************************************** 

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Jennifer Arcuri a one-woman triple espresso? 'Just my

cup of tea!' thought Boris. Confused, obviously...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Arcuri-osity killed the cat. It almost did for Boris, Too!

------------------------------------------------------------------

The first white choc in Quality Street? This diversity

thing's getting out of hand!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Emma Raducanu and Dina Asher-Smith may have gone

to the same school, but Dina was the faster learner -

certainly over the first 100 metres!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Bob Ross...

********************************************

The Joy of Painting:

who knew watching paint dry could

be quite so gripping?...

********************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

M 25: if officials take out an in-'junction 23' against 

'Insulate Britain', does that apply to other junctions, too?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

When Jennifer Arcuri, the 'one-woman triple espresso',

spills the beans, you can be pretty sure they're Arabica 

- only the best, naturally...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, it's possible to be 'fat but fit'. But it's not possible

to be 'fat but fit into your trousers'. Just ask my tailor!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Prince Andrew's stonewalling didn't impress the New

York judge. Maybe it should have done - Andrew is

famously teetotal, so it was dry stonewalling, and that's

always impressive...'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Justin Trudoh! Another blackface photo? Looks like 

French Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudwater is 

indeed in hot eau again!...

---------------------------------------------------------------

The perfect match-up...

*****************************

COVID-19? Who

better to fight it? SAJID

JAVID-69!...

*****************************

(17 Sillybles)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

GARDEN PESTO - delicious with snails!..

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 21, 2021 / July 5 2022)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mail by golf buggy? (News item). With post being putt

through our letterboxes by its 45-inch driver, presumably?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

My dad was pretty disappointed by my exam results. 

"Sure, he's level-headed," he complained to my mum,

"but why can't he be more A-LEVEL-headed like his

sister?"...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Arrrgh! I hate haiku!...

*************************************

There was a young man

from Sri Lanka / Whose father

was a grumpy old

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If GPs don't carry out more appointments, hospitals will

carry out more bodies. It doesn't take a genius. Hippocratic 

oath? Hypocritic, more like...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking forward to watching Anton Du Beke exude the

milk of human kindness on Strictly alongside the lactose

intolerant Craig Revel Horwood. Talk about chalk and cheesy!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

EMMENTAL HEALTH CLINIC - Swiss 

facility for the seriously cheesed off...

------------------------------------------------

INTELLYGENCIA - Mastermind winners...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

TELLYPATHIC - I always know what's coming on next...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

'In Liz We Truss'? Not so sure, Boris...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd love to see a fruitcake attempt to bake a Victoria sponge 

on Bake Off. I wonder if Boris has ever been approached?..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Our No. 9's one over the eight - again!...

**********************************

Heading over the

bar: bad! Heading over TO

the bar: much more fun!...

**********************************

(It's a football thing: 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

RIP, Jimmy Greaves. We mourn your passing. But

remain in awe of your heading and shooting...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, September 26)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Knowledge is knowing the names of all the GB News

presenters. Wisdom is not listening to any of them...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The Emmancipation of Raducanu - watching UK's

No. 1 tennis player free herself from financial

restriction was truly an unforgettable experience...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 28)

---------------------------------------------------------------

EXCEPTEMBER - there's not a single month that

begins with  the letter S...

---------------------------------------------------------

Lift the 'pun'itive travel restrictions, and of 

course there'll be a surge in holiday bookings - 

it's autumnatic. And there's the pun!...

---------------------------------------------------------

Eat alone, probably...

*********************************

What in God's name do

vegans do over lunch if

they can't chew the fat?...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Dutch are getting smaller, according to the Mail. 

It's not the Dutch getting smaller - it's the stories getting 

taller, I fear...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Tax The Rich'? Not sure Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's Met

Gala attire was an appropriate way to a dress the problem.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The brilliant 'All Creatures Great and Small' is all about 

animals. The way I'm feeling these days, if they made a

similar programme about humans, it ought to be called

'All Humans Grate'...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It's quite wrong to call Prince Harry the 'once-dashing' 

prince. He's still dashing: dashing the hopes of anyone 

who still thinks he could be an asset to the royal family...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"No jab, no job?" Better than "no hijab, no job," I guess...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Naomi Campbell a Queen's Commonwealth Trust ambassador?

Not sure she's qualified, but never has an ambassador looked

more ambassadorable!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A £145m space flight? Not bad, I suppose, considering a 

bottomless tea or coffee service (together with shortbread 

biscuits) is included in the price...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Getting ready for Christmas...

*****************************************

STOLLEN GOODS! - German

fruit and nut loaves, that's all the

thieves got away with...

*****************************************

(Rich pickings (too rich for me!) :17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

RIP, Sir Clive Sinclair, a soon-to-be-buried (national)

treasure. The man who invented the ZX Spectrum 

computer, the C5 trike...and, for all I know, lap(top)

dancers. He certainly married one (or was she a lap(topless)

one?). An inventor who lived life to the full. God speed to

'the boffin in a coffin', a great British eccentric. ✟

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris gives more top jobs to women! Just goes to show:

however many more fish in the sea there may be, there

are even more in the s'women pool!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Does Boris's two-hour cull(-de-'sack') mean the end of

the road for Williamson, Buckland and Jenrick?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The UK, US and Australia all agree: an AUKUStrated

response to the threat from China is the way to go...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Headbangers of the world, unite!...

******************************************

"Ever go clubbing.

Vinnie?" - "Sure do. Caught about

twelve seals this morning"...

******************************************

('Headbangers love clubbing': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The Joy of Painting: who knew watching paint dry could 

be quite so compulsive?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 16)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Whitty, Boris and Vallance: not so much 'the three amigos',

more a Minaj à trois...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, right? The odd

Whittycism wouldn't come amiss, Chris!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love stunning animals. Not sure whether I should work in

an abattoir or a game reserve! (Actually, it would have to

be a game reserve - I hate stunning animals!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Back to the Future musical sounds great. I'm going to 

see it last week, and I'm sure I won't be disappointed!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

look at the arse on that!...(cue outrage)

**********************************

Am I a leg or

breast man? To be honest, I

never eat chicken...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bondage is the new black? Great news for chain stores, haha...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Insulate Britain? Make-u-late Britain, more like. 

Certainly made me late. Very late. Thanks a bunch.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Never throw good money after bad. You might 

hit someone in the eye...

---------------------------------------------------------

If the invisible man applied some concealer,

would we be able to see him?...

------------------------------------------------------

At last, John!...

***************************************

Strictly has its first

all-male pairing! "Everything 

comes to those who Whaite"...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only twelve Bake Off contestants? Why not a baker's dozen?

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 20, Irish Daily Mail, 

September 23!!!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The grand old Duke of York may well have had ten thousand

men, but by all accounts it was always consensual. As for the

present Duke? Well, time will tell, I guess...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

More underground than underage: I've just had sex with

a miner. Will I have to go on the sex offenders register?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

DJOKOVICTOR LUDORUM - he may have lost the US

Open final, but 2021 was unquestionably Novak's year...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

MESS 1 - RONALD 0 - the match to decide the greatest

of all time was tightly fought!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

10 more years? Boris Johnson is bad enough, but Boris

JohnsON...and ON...and ON? Not sure I could bear it...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Runs? Walks, more like...

****************************

Indifference runs

in the family. Can't say

I'm fussed, really...

****************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------

(Spoiler alert?) Arise, Lady Tennison:

Emma Raducanu, poetry in motion...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't let's forget that British men's tennis is also in a very 

good place right now: Salisbury! Congratulations, Joe...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

There's only one way Emma Raducanu can top what she 

did at Flushing Meadows: never win another match - 

anywhere. Now, that would be a story!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

that's the boss's job...

*************************************

there's one thing a sous

chef should never be asked to

cook, and that's the books...

*************************************

('Grilled. By the cops': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

How times have changed! It's Camilla who's now

one of the Royal Family's greatest assets, and Harry

one of its greatest asses. Who'd have thunk it?...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, September 12)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Palmed off by her dad...

*********************************

no point asking for 

a girl's hand if you just end

up under her thumb...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prince Harry was fond of drink once. He should have been at 

the O2 the other night - no shortage of boos, by all accounts 

- and all for him!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"People who enjoy riding always enjoy sex," Gyles Brandreth

quotes Lord Longford as saying. Mind you, they probably call

it horseplay...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Celia Walden may well be loved by her Piers. Judging by Ant

McPartlin's "Piers who?" joke, I'm not sure her hubby is!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I say, I say, I say, doctor, is it bad?" - "Music hall in the blood,

I'm afraid," he replied, "nothing I can do"...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bloody hell...

************************************

Is a 'period

drama' when the corner shop's

run out of tampons?...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, some of Napoleon's hats have fetched more than 

£1,000,000, apparently! Who Wants To Be A Milliner? 

Me!...(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 10)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Roam wasn't billed in a day. But it would have been

had Vodafone, EE and Three had anything to do with it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Who Wants To Be A Milliner? Not sure if Boris's social 

care cap will fit him as well as this dunce's cap will fit 

Gavin Williamson...

------------------------------------------------------------------

What! Another one? He's made so many gaffes, no 

wonder Gavin Williamson's staff call him the gaffer...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The miserable bastard on table 10...

********************************

Am I gluten or

wheat intolerant? Neither.

Just intolerant...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Gavin Williamson claims to have the hide of a rhino.

So it's his skin that's thick?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Gavin Williamson claims to have the hide of a rhino.

Black rhino or white rhino, he doesn't say - so hard to

tell them apart. A bit like black sportsmen, apparently.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

if it's not on, it's just not on...

************************************

"If you can't put it 

off, then put it on!" So where 

is that damned condom?...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------

TRUSSED FUND - my money's all tied up...

----------------------------------------------------------------

SCENTS OF HUMOUR - why some people smell funny?

----------------------------------------------------------------

Me and Emma Raducau, we've got so much in

common! Firstly, both our fathers are Romanian

...actually, that's about it. But hey, I couldn't be

prouder...

-----------------------------------------------------------

If a certain author really is so disillusioned with 

Britain, maybe she should leave her Damehood 

on the Mantelpiece before she buggers off...

----------------------------------------------------------

Triple lock suspension? Instead of pensioners 

making a mug of coffee this morning, it looks 

like Coffey's making a mug of them...

--------------------------------------------------------

From triple lock pension to triple lock 

(sus)pension. Say it fast, and we might not 

even notice. Is that the plan, Boris?...

----------------------------------------------------

my £5.00 food budget...

******************************

I'm so bloody poor,

all the food I buy is part

of my fiver day...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

RAABID MOB - Foreign Secretary's many detractors.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 7)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Burgers? They either taste of rubber or cost a bleedin' fortune.

Chew on a burger? This burgher eschews them all...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now McDonald's are introducing 'McPlant' burgers, 

how about a Venus Flytrap 'McFly' burger? Do you 

want (extra) flies with that?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who Wants To Be A Milliner? Me! With Napoleon's hat now 

valued at £100/150k and an £80k cap (on social care costs),

headwear's where it's at right now!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Doggerel...

******************************

KONNICHIHUAHUA -

Japanese girl says "hi" to

a Mexican pooch...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------

THE KING AND DI - projected musical 

about Charles and his first wife...

--------------------------------------------------

HEIR LIFTED - a dad picks up his newborn 

for the very first time...

----------------------------------------------------------

MONTE CARLO OR (36") BUST - remake of 

1969 classic with buxom glamour model...

(Or how about the décollet-ageless Liz Hurley?)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Any truth in the rumour Prince Charles calls his closest

aide 'Michael Faucet' - because he's always on tap?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Gum control...

*****************************************

If chewing gum makes a 

mess of our streets, eschewing it 

would soon clear it up...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Dr Ellie. Which is worse? Hay fever running in the 

family, or lethargy walking in it? A friend wants to know.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

ABBADEEN - Summer Night City, by any other name?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

No wonder they call me Knorrman!...

***********************************

'Stock Clearance,' read the

sign. So I bought fifty cubes.

All chicken, no beef...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

The Scottish Greens...

Anti-business,

Anti-monarchy,

Anti-Britain,

Anti-wealth,

Anti-capitalist,

and, for all I know,

Anti-macassar...

you name it, they're anti- it...

-------------------------------------------------------

Neil to quit GB News? Guto Harri took the 

knee and quit GB News. No way will Andrew 

Kneel. Though he might still quit...

-------------------------------------------------------

"Chewing gum's great!" says John Humphrys. 

Sorry, John, but  eschewing it's even better...

-------------------------------------------------------

 

Cum...in!

************************************

Of course we practise

safe sex - we always lock the

door before we start!...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

Too right. That would be stupid...

********************************

I do hope the cap

they put on my leccy bill's

not a baseball one!...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

You listening, Tom Cruise?...

**********************************

What! Two masalas

at one sitting! That can't be

good for your tikka...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's hoping Boris Johnson's social care cap proves

more effective than William Hague's old baseball one!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"Recollections may vary." Maybe Prince Harry is 

under the impression eco-warriors should also be 

eco-nomical with the truth?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

ANTI-RRHINUM MOVEMENT - down with snapdragons!

----------------------------------------------------------------