Spread betting...

*********************

3-1 Marmite,

7-1 Lemon Curd,

8-1 the field... 

*********************

('Peanut Butter was a non-runner': 17 Exceedingly Sillybles)

----------------------------------------------------------

If tennis players live longer (news item), do

they also get two funerals - a first service 

followed by a second one?...

----------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, Joe Wicks, but ice baths leave me cold...

----------------------------------------------------------

Bugger! I could have been a reality star, but

I didn't have the lack of qualifications...

--------------------------------------------------------

Creating a paper crane can both heal the soul

and bring contentment, apparently. "So the 

advantages are only twofold?"...

--------------------------------------------------------

Photoshopping lessons...

***********************************

I've been given some

great filter tips - no wonder

I look smokin' hot!...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ever the scruff: here's hoping Boris managed to tie the 

knot more stylishly than he manages to knot his tie!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

"I can't concentrate in flats," says Victoria Beckham.

Is that why she's taken to living in mansions, haha? 👠

-------------------------------------------------------------------

So sad to see such a venerable motoring organisation 

going to RAC and ruin...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson v. Dominic Cummings: why not call it for

what it is: a bit of a dick and Dom show - and not even

in da bungalow!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

'Shopping Trolley' Johnson and 'Cash &' Carrie Symonds 

- a match made in heaven!...

(Dominic Cummings calls Johnson 'an erratic shopping trolley')

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What? He eats 'em whole?...

*************************************

Dad won't mince his words.

Which is tough, as he's always

having to eat them...

*************************************

('Dodgy dentures': 17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

'Wallpapergate': now Boris has been told off a strip, I

wonder what he'll do with it?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

LITTERATURE - junk mail?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

When Boris & Carrie noticed their expensive wallpaper

was starting to peel off, I presume they tore the re-

fitters off a strip!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Why should the BBC axe Nick Knowles over his Shreddies

ad? It's not as if he's a cereal offender...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I've just completed a couple of poems about Harry & 

Meghan - but I haven't deemed them worthy of a title.

Lucky coincidence, I guess...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Should Harry & Meghan be allowed to keep their titles?

Maybe the best way to resolve this dilemma is to let Harry

and an adviser to the Queen, er, duke it out somewhere?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Socially-conscious ravers, what are they like!...

***************************************

"I took a knee last

night," said Tom. "Hey, I took an 

E, too!" I replied...

***************************************

('BLM? Is that the same as LSD?': 17 Syllables) 

---------------------------------------------------------------

"Lions led by donkeys," says Dominic Cummings.

Boris Johnson may be quixotic, but isn't calling him

Donkey Ote a bit much?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

A few years ago, AIDS was pretty lethal. These days,

it seems, it's aides. As Boris is finding out to his cost.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I don't care if dentists feel down in the mouth these

days - I just wish the mouth they were looking down 

in was mine. How long do I have to wait?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Felling a 150-year-old oak? That's a hanging offence

in my book. 'High tree'son! (Which is what she should 

be hung from, haha)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Aimed for the black, potted the white...

************************************

I just got a hole-

in-one! Thing is, that doesn't

mean much in snooker...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Sergio Aguero: 'the perfect goodbye,' read the 

headline. 'The perfect good buy,' thought the fans.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 26)

-------------------------------------------------------------

There's a long cue outside the ladies' loo. "Ah,

I was wondering where Ronnie had got to"...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Chewing gum - it can't be banned, but it shouldn't be aloud!

-----------------------------------------------------------

No reason. I just think they're great photos.

-------------------------------------------

AWA'S CAKERY & TAKE IT AWAY'KERY

-------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------

AWA'S CAKERY & TAKE IT AWAY'KERY

-------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------

AWA'S CAKERY & TAKE IT AWAY'KERY

-------------------------------------------

 

 

Prince Charles launches 'TREE-bilee'...

*****************************

Bloody hell, nearly

70 years on the throne!

Wood jubilee've it!...

*****************************

(Though he didn't specify WHICH wood)

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

We're saved!...Oh dear, we haven't saved enough: 

cavalries charging over the hill is one thing, insurance 

companies charging over the odds quite another...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 25)

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Don't mention the War"burtons ad to George 

Clooney - not after they cut him off!...

-------------------------------------------------------

The difference between nurses and patients...

**************************************************************

NURSES TEND TO....their patients most of the day.

PATIENTS TEND TO...-..stay in bed most of the day.

**************************************************************

Forget iPads and iPods - think iJokes!......

******************************

if you think rolling 

my r's is weird, listen to

dad rolling his i's!...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Let's hope Eurovision 2012 is a time in his life

singer/composer James Newman never rem-Embers!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

AGRAPHOBIA - fear of visiting the Taj Mahal...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What price integrity? It's almost as if the BBC have 

been saying "F**** Off"com to the broadcasting

watchdog over the years...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

My thoughts turn to a certain ennobled Scottish 

visionary who would, were he still alive, be laying a 

Reith right now outside Broadcasting House to mark 

the demise of a once-mighty broadcasting institution..

-------------------------------------------------------------------

while there's still lead in the pencil?...

****************************

what could be better

for an ageing artist to

draw than a pension?...

****************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Builders' merchants may well be running out of

roof tiles, timber and cement right now - but I've

yet to hear of any of them running out of doors.

Not in this weather, haha...

-------------------------------------------------------------

A sheepdog pup sold for £7,600? If it's that

good, couldn't they have trained it to round 

up the money, too? To maybe £8,000?...

------------------------------------------------------

There's nothing I don't know about Britain's 

motorway network - they don't call me the 

Roads Scholar for nothing!...

------------------------------------------------------

Walk an extra 1,000 steps a day and cut my

death risk by 28%? Bollocks! If I walked that

extra killer meter I'd die on the spot!...

------------------------------------------------------

Fly-by-night...

**********************************

I'm off to Turkey

later, but I'm flying at night

so no one sees me...

**********************************

('Red-list rebel': 17 Rather Sillybles)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What better for an ageing artist to draw than a pension?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can we take it the BBC's aim is no longer 'to inform,

educate and deceive'?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Online gambling among young people surged during 

lockdown, apparently."

"I bet it did!"

"How much?"...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Brits got boozy during lockdown...

************************************

'Twas just as I thought:

"missing friends a lot'll mean

hitting the bottle!"...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

£92 to spray bacteria on my face? Just the face? At 

that price, it would have to be 'front AND bac'teria!

---------------------------------------------------------------

My wife's a frustrated badminton player. "Too much

shuttle, not enough c***!" - that's her motto...

Court time? Exactly, dear...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Long Covid and the Defective Detective...

********************************

"Smell a rat? I can't

smell a bloody thing after

Covid!" sighed the cop...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------

If a double negative is a positive, how 

come two wrongs don't make a right?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 19)

---------------------------------------------------------------

'Metric or imperial?' asks my paper today. Metric, of 

course - it's, er, 'miles' better, haha...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm a bit confused by this traffic-light system: can we get 

back to drinking pints yet, even though the nectar's still 

only amber?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank God for hugging! Touching words were all very

well during lockdown, but they're not a patch on 

touching bodies!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

When I call you and Meghan 'bonkers', Harry, I'm not 

referring to your mental state - merely to the fact you're 

both still actively engaged in increasing the size of your 

family, OK? The fact that it happens to be another word

for 'crazy' is purely coincidental. Capeesh?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cue laughter (what a load of balls)

*****************************************

Harry the Potter

and the Descent of the Red

Mist: "Now the red!".......missed!

*****************************************

("And now the red!"....missed!:17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't like women who try to paw me. I much prefer

those who try to paw me another. Drink always helps!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Were Harry & Meghan made for each other? Of course

they were - they're like two peas in a podcast...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Loving crumpets makes you 'posh', apparently. But I'm

pretty sure loving 'crumpet' still makes you vulgar!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

What's that one, dad?...

******************************************

At my age, son, all

flowers in the damned garden are 

called amnesias...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Is the cycle of pain Harry wants to break a tandem?

Or does Meghan want to break her own?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

A salad can ease stress, a study shows. Cos and little

gem, no problem - but steer clear of icebergs...

----------------------------------------------------------------

If a suite tooth curbs one's appetite, how come I've 

already been to Sofas-R-Us five times this year?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Freedom beckons, the Government reckons...

**************************************

Not a moment too

soon - the Government's on the

road to de-mask-us!...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

Is 'flashlight surveillance' really turning Ghislaine

Maxwell's prison cell into a torch-er chamber?...

------------------------------------------------------------

*************************************

When an artist's life

slowly draws to an end, who's

holding the pencil?...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

"Pennsylvania's OK, mind"...

******************************

Anyone who's had

their fill a'delphia must

be really cheesed off!...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Meghan Markle: from belle of the ball to belle of

the wrecking ball? (Behind every troubled Prince

there's a troubled...)

-------------------------------------------------------------

There's no business like show(vinist) business:

La La Land? Surely such a male-dominated hub of

film and TV should be called Le Le Land?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

"Who's Lester Piggott, dad?" - " He was a big cheese 

in the horse racing industry, son - in fact, they still 

call him 'Red Leicester' to this day"...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Talking of wallpaper, you know you're an inferior 

designer when the Farrow & Ball's up in the lounge, 

and no one likes it!...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson...

***************************************

"First-name terms? They're so

much better than single-terms!"

says 'call me Boris'...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Could the reason for Harry's latest broadside be 

the, er, broad by his side?...

(MEGHANOMANIA - an excessive desire to wear

the trousers?)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why did Harry choose to marry Meghan when 

there were plenty more fish in the sea? Because

when you live your life in a goldfish bowl, that 

doesn't help much!...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Government announcement: in future, all social

care enquiries will be dealt with by the (Please 

Sell Their) Home Office. Thank you...

--------------------------------------------------------------

They've just opened a heavy petting zoo round our

way. This one's definitely not for children!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

MENPECKED - now you know how it feels, ladies!

--------------------------------------------------------------

ALBUMEN WANTED - male Eggheads sought for

TV show. Whites only!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

FU - endless fun, haha...

------------------------------------------------------

RISHI SUNAKED - must be a no pyjamas man!

------------------------------------------------------

************************************

I'm always bumping

into famous people. I 

must get my eyes checked!...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

CARRIECATURE - Boris as a henpecked hubby...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 11)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Is there anyone better than publicity-seeker Carol

Vorderman at multiplying, subtracting and dividing

opinion?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Whenever I want my wife to be an animal in bed, I

take her to the heavy petting zoo to get her in the 

mood...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Given the invisibility of older women, it seems there

will always be certain patients GPs will never be able 

to see - face to face or virtually, haha!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Adrian Edmondson stuck on a windowsill?

What a comedy ledge-nd!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 7)

--------------------------------------------------

One joke, two lenses...

******************************************************

If it looks Leica camera and functions Leica

camera, it probably IS a Leica camera...

******************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A City phone box for £45,000? Not exactly a ring...ring...

ringing endorsement of office space value in the Big Smoke!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************

If it looks Leica camera and functions Leica

camera...it's probably a Kodak.

******************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Message to Dick and Angel Strawbridge: if you want to 

avoid jealous sniping, steer clear of  the 'Snapchat'eau!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It mauled me (tickled me, too!)

**************************************************

"What are those things on

the end of your legs, mate?" I 

asked the bear.................(huge pause)

**************************************************

I have to admit I nicked this one. 'Cos

I liked it. I try to use only original stuff,

but this one just tickled me, so I couldn't 

resist haiku-ing it...

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

I took some old porn cassettes to the tip the other 

day. Wasn't sure which skip to dump them in: 

plastics or hardcore?

--------------------------------------------------------------

IN A MOW - stop procrastinating, cut it now!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Cautious hugging? Get yourself on the pill to avoid

any unwanted pregnant pauses!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

HANNIBAL LECTERN - Chris Whitty turns nasty!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

THE GREAT ESCAPEGOAT - "On yer bike, Angela

Rayner!" (Didn't quite work out, though, did it, Sir Keir?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Size matters...

************************************************

Sausage dogs, they're the

wurst. The best? Mine, of course - she's

labradorable!...

************************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

KNIGHT MAYOR SCENARIO - arise, Sir Sadiq!...

----------------------------------------------------------

The end of the 1m rule? It's true what they say: 

touching words are all very well, but touching 

bodies is much more fun!...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Maybe Meghan has a point: the press does seem 

more preoccupied by how a woman dresses than 

the issues she addresses (writes Vincent Hefter, 

in shorts and t-shirt)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Line of Duty - the denouement...

*************************************

Wow, I'd never have

guessed! The letter of the law

turns out to be...'H'!

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

Interested to read that Jane Seymour is a 

sculptor. That'll explain her chiselled features -

probably chiselled them herself...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Good to know Uxbridge-born Jane Seymour has

never forgotten her roots. Gets 'em done every

three to four weeks, apparently...

-------------------------------------------------------------

The Queen launches her own bitter (news item).

The Queen's bitter. Mind you, so is Prince William

- just ask Harry!...

-------------------------------------------------------------

I've never once written a car off in 40 years - so 

the cops charged me with wreckless driving!...

(Careful divers tend to be wreckless drivers, haha)

------------------------------------------------------------------

'Arsenal used to stand for class, dignity and gravitas'

(writes Oliver Holt). 'Now it doesn't even stand for the 

National Anthem' (writes me).

------------------------------------------------------------------

Is it a pretty photo? Of corset is...

************************************

Billie Eilish? Or

Very Steilish? (Guess who's on

the Vogue front cover!)

************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

French fishermen v. the Royal Navy? Not Trafalgar, exactly.

The only live shells involved were probably scallops!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did scientists really study dung beetle navigation? Or were

they also 'just going through the motions'?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have the 'woke' FA incorporated a lion, lioness and cub 

in their new badge so they can justifiably take part in, er, 

'pride' parades?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not a single seat! Is Alex Salmond the only man ever to 

have placed his very own Alba-tross around his neck?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

What's My Line?...

******************************************

Line of Duty last

night. Line of Coke tonight. Guess

which I'll enjoy more?...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------

The only French words I know are 'Evian' and

'Volvic'. I never got beyond Eau-level...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 2)

-------------------------------------------------------

ATTACKTICS - generals plan their offensive...

-------------------------------------------------------

A £6 cashmere? A mere £6 cash? That's not 

cashmere, that's 'petty cash'mere!...

-------------------------------------------------------

KNEADS MUST - no bread? Better make some!

-------------------------------------------------------

What A NightMayor!...

***************************************

If a leopard can't

change its spots, I'm pretty sure

Sadiq Khan't, either...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Andrew Neil describes Meghan Markle's prose as

'pretty terrible'. That's almost exactly how I would

describe Meghan herself: 'pretty, terrible'...

--------------------------------------------------------------

That 'Gallic boulder' Tracey Emin 'married' - it 

must have been like a rock to her when she was 

going through such a hard time...

--------------------------------------------------------------

So the PC BBC wants to remove the word 'fat' from

the English language? Portly chance!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

spilling the beans - but never my drink...

**************************************

a great drinker makes 

sure that while he gets wasted,

none of his drink does!...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

Forget 'Marconi', think 'macaroni'!...

********************************

If you must watch those

spaghetti westerns, get a

tagliatelly!... 

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

So Meghan is to be a published children's author?...

Rejecting royalty is one thing - rejecting royalties is 

presumably quite another...￡￡￡

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 10)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Making An After-Dinner Mint. "Talk is cheap," they 

say - yeah, right. Not if it's BBC stars doing the talking

- at over £5,000 a gig!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Any truth Boris wants to buy his son Wilfred a swing?

He's said to be after a nine-point one, just like the one

the the polls are predicting for the Tories in Red Wall

areas!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dominic Cummings' protégée Cleo Watson is said to

be writing a political bonkbuster provisionally entitled

"WHIPS!" Why not write it as a series of haikus, and

call it "THREE-LINE WHIPS!" haha...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What was it that Victoria Atkins actually said to upset

Carrie Symonds? Was it that the ship of state would

be better steered by the loyal husband of a really not-

so-Ancient Marina? Can't help but agree...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"I had two dates in two days last week," my friend told 

told me. 'Bloody hell, as diets go, that's pretty extreme!'

I thought...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A night in shining armour? It sure beats pyjamas!...

*************************************

That suit of armour

looks quite odd - but will it be

alright on the knight?...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

DAY KEIR CENTRE - how the Leader of the 

Opposition's wife regards the House of Commons 

as she packs him off there every day?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm going to watch the Happy Mondays on Tuesday, 

Sheffield Wednesday on Thursday, and Friday Night 

Dinner on Saturday. Unfortunately, it's rhubarb crunmble 

the next day - I don't like sundaes. Bugger, so close!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

To be honest, it's not the Leader of the Opposition

Boris should be botherered about - it's his very own

devil-may-Keir attitude...

---------------------------------------------------------------

It even went on to be Oscar-nominated!...

*****************************

The movie 'Mank' was

shot in several places.

Thank God it survived...

*****************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dress your child in cashmere for £6? (news item) That's

not cashmere, that's 'petty cash'mere!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

If Willow Smith is polyamorous, does being 'pretty 

polly'amorous mean you're partial to the odd cockatoo?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between S&M and M&S? 

Nobody wants to be strapped for cash in M&S!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Gwyneth Patrow, Cruise Wellness Adviser? Thanks, 

Gwynnie, but the last thing anyone wants to be on 

a cruise is well and truly grounded!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

EDAM IN ENGLAND - loves to visit Wensleydale occasionally.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's more of a hawk thing, right?...

*************************************

if there's one thing a 

dove would never support it's

a military coo...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

NIGHTMAYOR - some folk aren't that keen on Sadiq Khan!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations to Tom Jones. No 1! Should Top

of the Pops be renamed Top of the Grandpops?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Mat 6)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Not only did Heathrow Airport lose a total of

£2.4b during the pandemic, it lost my luggage,

too! No mention of that in their press release!...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Carrie Symonds must be green with envy at all 

the positive press Kate & William get. That's 

assuming she's managed to source the right shade 

of green, of course. Ever the perfectionist...

-------------------------------------------------------------

(1961) Hayley Mills, my first crush...

***********************************

'Whistle Down The Wind'? -

that's one way of getting rid

of indigestion!...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not saying Carrie Symonds is high maintenance,

but when she goes green with envy, I'm told it

takes her ages to find the right shade...

---------------------------- or ----------------------------------

Carrie Symonds' hubby went an exquisite shade of red

at PMQs yesterday. No guesses as to who selected it...

------------------------------------------------------------------

With so many accumulated problems, I'm pretty sure

the writing was on the wall for Boris at one stage. 

Seems it's taken some extremely expensive wallpaper 

for Carrie to cover it up...

------------------------------------------------------------------