******************************

OUR EPONYMOUSE

HERO - the star of many

a Mickey cartoon...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Woodburning stove companies' online sales have been soaring,

apparently. More and more people are - wait for it - logging on...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Axing the uniquely talented Steve Wright and replacing him - 

no disrespect intended - with a run of the Mills Radio 1 presenter, 

is, sadly, just the latest of a string of incomprehensible decisions 

made by a once-mighty institution. A sad day...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ELEFANTA - jumbo-sized carbonated soft drink...

------------------------------------------------------------

Cisgender benders...

********************************

HALF-CISTERS - they do

seem to be a bit confused

as to their gender...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A giant tortoise fathering eight kids at 70 years of age?

Chapeau! I went into my shell years before that!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

****************************************

Yippee, I've got some

worry beads! Now I'm worried

sick I might lose them...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking at how the pound's performing, I'm not sure if "Tories in 

action" is going to prove any more effective than "Tories' inaction"...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Party conferences: 🥱 Whatever happened to the art of public speaking?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************

A 'clue' is something

that keeps cops occupied while

the villains escape...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'RUSH TO HAND IN PAPER £20 AND £50 NOTES,' read

the newspaper headline. I always wondered what Ian was up

to these days...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know you could do with losing a few pounds when the

actor portraying you has to wear a fat suit. No so, Boris?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Writing wrongs is no way to start righting wrongs, Harry...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bad day for Sterling, but Bellingham had a great game...

#PoundSinksToNewLow #England3Germany3 #Raheem

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Can't be arsed to write any more today. #LazyBastard

I never know how to behave in shoe shops...

****************************

Whenever I see

a shoe I like, I tend to

put my foot in it...

****************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"It's good to have something to fall back on," said the

call girl. "So you've started evening classes, then?" I

asked. "No," she replied, "I've bought myself a bed"...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Is Emma Raducanu the shy, retiring type? No, I wouldn't

say that. Just the retiring type, maybe. Lost count of how

many times, now. (But hey, I'm sure she'll come good)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHARLES FIRES AK-47!  OK, so he hasn't fired her

exactly, but he's certainly freezing her out. By 'her' I mean

Angela Kelly, the Queen's dressmaker - aka "AK-47" to

her colleagues. But don't let the truth get in the way of a

great headline!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

17 rather sillybles...

********************************

When Meghan's son gets

wed, will she be hiring a

Marry Archie band?...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In boxing, lightweights tip the scales at anything from 59.0 - 61.2kg. 

In politics, however, most of the lightweights I hear making 

pronouncements these days weigh considerably more than that...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, but judging by what I've seen so far, I'm not sure I have

much confidence in Liz Truss's quasi Chancellor...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Meghan Markle really IS a narcissistic sociopath, then I'm a 

Dutchman.  Yours, etc, Piet van Rjkaard...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Talk is cheep - well, it IS if you're a chick...

-----------------------------------------------------

Therese Coffey, Health Secretary...

********************************

A league table for

GP practices?  What? Like

a Coffey table?...

********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 26: 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

One-minute beauty treatments? What utter bollocks. Unless

what they mean by 'one-minute' is that the benefits they

achieve in that time are minute...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

There may be a lot of obesity around, but at least our new 

Health Secretary's setting a good example. She's a lightweight.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pounds, shillings and pensive...

**********************************************************

"All my dough's in a

damned trussed fund!" - "Don't you mean 'trust'?"

"No. It's all tied up"...

**********************************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What wouldn't I give to take a red hot poker from my front garden

and shove it up Putin's nuclear arsenal...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A football fan writes:

*********************************

BIELSABUB - a

fallen angel whose sin was

once managing Leeds...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

MERRYTOCRACY - a society governed by the tipsy...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The King has a prerogative over all swans in England and

Wales. And that includes the pens. Heaven help them!...

# LeakyPenTantrums

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Holly seems a bit prickly these days... ('The Queue' row) 

Could Ms Willoughby do with a bit of a fillip?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

President Biden in trade deal row! That must be the 15th row.

The 14th was the one he was sat in at Westminster Abbey...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If the word 'oriental' has gone west, then anything can!... #offensive

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                           ------------------------------------------   

                                            The royal family. What a shower!

                                           ------------------------------------------

                                              ------------------------------------

                                                Charlie's started to reign...

                                               ------------------------------------

It may be a public holiday, but...

***************************************

"SCREENS, NURSE!" Doctors try

to catch the Queen's funeral

whilst on their ward rounds...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

'People were pouring out of their homes to say adieu,' says my

paper. Not me. I was pouring IN my home. Just a glass or two

to drown my sorrows, you understand...  #TheFuneral

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Those are some tattoos! How soon before Brentford footballer

becomes as well known for his body of work as for his body?..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cheaper than a tuba Smarties...

******************************

TENNER SAX - found it

in the charity shop. The 

drums were a fiver...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It doesn't take much, it seems, for things to get really heated at

Leicester. Who needs a BOX of matches when only ONE will do?

As long as it's a cricket match, of course... #T20IndiaPakistan

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wouldn't be surprised if there's now a chip on Harry's shoulder

where once the Queen's initials were...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How better to commemorate the Queen than at Trafalgar Square in

the heart of London? A statue of the Queen and (The Fourth) Plinth 

Philip - together forever...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A uniformed Harry I can just about tolerate, an uninformed one

is harder to bear...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'TENNER SAX,' read the sign. "You've spelt that wrong," I said. 

"No we haven't," they replied, "we've reduced it from twenty"...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The State Funeral will be hosted on ITV by Tom Bradby (1.93m) and 

Julie Etchingham (1.66m), while Huw Edwards (1.83m) and Fergal 

Keane (1.67m) will present for the BBC (Mail, September 16). Absurd, 

right? But no more absurd than what actually appeared in the paper, 

which merely stated their ages. WHY? Why this crazy obsession with age, 

which, as so often, is a totally irrelevant fact? Yours, etc, V.Hefter (1.83m)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They don't call me a stupid sew and sew for nothing...

********************************************

Why on earth d'you call

your sewing machine 'Adele'? - "Why

not? They're both Singers"...

********************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

My mum and Mariah Carey are polar opposites:

Mariah's a Top C diva, mum's a deep sea one...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Qatar has one of the best Spice Markets I've ever been to,'

gushes David Beckham. 'So much choice: Sporty, Scary, Ginger,

Baby, Posh and Rosemary.' Whatever happened to Rosemary?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Following the ascendancy to the throne of His Majesty King

Charles III, it has been decided that I, Vincent A.T. Hefter, of

Richmond, Surrey, shall retain the title of 'Mr'. It is a title I

remain inordinately proud of and shall be equally proud to

pass on to my son upon my demise... #delusionsofgrandeur

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Best TV moment this year? The killer whales' orcas-trated wave

washing of a seal off an ice floe. Is there intelligent life on earth?

There sure is...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From in-laws to in-lawsuits? How soon before Meghan really 

turns on the royal family?..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman with dwarfism dancing on Strictly? She deserves her 

place, so why not? That's about the long and the short of it?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                    ================== o ==================

                                             Papua New Guinea, Goroka Show.

                                     A few years ago now, but good photographs 

                                               are good photographs, right?...
                                                              1991-2001

                         ================================================

                         Now he's retiring, maybe the ITF should be renamed the 

                         International Tennis Federeration in his honour?...

                         ================================================

          -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

           Congratulations to the writers of Coronation Street. Who knew it was possible

              to reach quite so many new lows? I watch the programme purely out of nostalgia, 

              and am loath to give up on it. But if I were to come across it now for the first time, 

              I'd switch off in minutes. Whatever happened to gentle comedy, great characterisation 

              and, dare I say it, the art of scriptwriting?

              ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Queue E II: Those stewards in hi-vis jackets who confiscated my Werther's

Originals are no more than jobsworths who can't do their job for toffee.

Or do I mean caramel candy?            

            ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna

Krishna Krishna Hare Hare

Hare Rama Hare Rama

                                                   Rama Rama Harry Harry 

                                                   Harry Potta Harry Potta

                                                  Potter Potter Harry Harry

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry & Meghan are 15-1 to separate within five years, according to Lilibetfred.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How soon before republican lepidopterists rid the world of the monarch butterfly?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What an impact he's made! Maybe they should rename Erling's club Maan City?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage, eh?...

*************************************

"So what if Charles has

his wife as a sounding board?"

sighs mine, sounding bored...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------

Do racists only tell white lies?..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

There's no coming back now, Boris. You've made your bed,

now lie in it. Like you normally do: through your teeth...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hours...and hours...and hours is not to reason why, ours is

just to queue and cry... #LyingInState

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I cannot help but feel the weight of history, says Charles -

after enduring the LONGEST wait in history...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************

King Charles III - West Ham

II -  a***King marvellous

start to his season!...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

UNSHORN OF THE DEAD - time to get a haircut?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

I wanted to post a rather funny lavatorial joke, but 

my wife poo-pooed the idea...

---------------------------------------------------------------

When you're retired, ever day's an "I'm off to the 

pub"lic holiday...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Going to Westminster Hall to see the Queen lying in

State was so much more rewarding than going to the 

Commons to see Boris Johnson lying in office...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Kim Jong-il, but Charles is fine: how long will it be

before I see a 'King Charles III' headline without

thinking he's been taken ill?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

The Queen & Philip: friends reunited...

**********************************

"What kept you?" asked Phil.

"Duty to my country," said 

Liz, "now move over"...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eating your words is so much easier if they're written on rice paper.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Diego Costa, has-been, signed by Wolves." I'm sorry, I'll read that

again. "DIEGO COSTA HAS BEEN SIGNED BY WOLVES". 

Mind you, I was probably right first time. He's getting on a bit...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cost of living crisis...

**********************************

LADY IN THE RED -

I hear she'll be putting that

dress on eBay soon...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The story used to be one of "Prince Andrew is going to the dogs".

Now, apparently, it's one of "The dogs are going to Prince Andrew".

Makes a change. (He's getting the Queen's corgis)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not a lot of people know this, but three years ago Her Majesty

honoured my trusty old Morris Minor for services to the motor

industry. It's now a Dame-ler...  #CarToon

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Frozen Planet II: a 'stone-cold' certainty to win all the awards going?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry & Meghan. By (dis)appointment to His Majesty King Charles III.

Purveyors of heartache and woe...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LEFTENANT <---------------------------------> RIGHTENANT

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Therese Coffey, Deputy PM...

************************************

Diverse Cabinet,

white Coffey - I think Liz has

got it about right...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

If an OCD sufferer ever inherited money, I'm pretty

sure it would be a tidy sum. A very, VERY tidy sum

- however small...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not sure beating your brother over the head with an

olive branch counts as a conciliatory gesture, William...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

ONE MAN UNITED - Sir Alex Ferguson,

COUNTRY UNITED - the death of Queen Elizabeth...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Not a lot of people know that...

***********************************

I have no car. I

have no phone. A simple life

is a happy life...

***********************************

(I DO have a phone - but it's a landline. A 

'mobile' is a syllable too many!)

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------

Gary 'Toe The Line'ker? No chance, BBC...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A cheese G&T? Talk about a drop of the hard stuff!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Calling new PM 'Thick Lizzie' is no more sexist than calling

ex-PM 'Bonkers Boris'. Gender is a total irrelevance. To

cry 'sexist' or 'misogynist' every time a woman is insulted

does the female gender no favours. Man up, women! 

(hey, I know you can take it)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm lacquered," said the door to No 10. 

"I'm pretty tired myself," replied Mrs Truss...

                    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                     How much expertise to our Secretaries of State actually possess

                     in their particular fields? Precious little, I fear. One day Transport,

                     next day Education (or whatever). Ludicrous way to run anything,

                     let alone a country. My expectations are very low...

                     ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A very touching and FUNNY tribute to the late Queen from

Theresa May in the House of Commons. Who knew? And

another from Boris Johnson. Both very obviously from the

heart. Maybe they've never spoken from the heart before?

Politicians are so much more bearable when they're not

doing politics...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MUGSHOT...

-----------------

Anyone for an ugly mug of Coffey?

                                              

                                 ------------------------------------------------------------
                                           --- Liz Truss and Therese Coffey ---

                                            Mrs T and Coffey. How very quaint..

                                  -----------------------------------------------------------

God's gift to women...

********************************************

Boris Johnson in

Greece? Not quite the same as 'John

Travolta in Grease'...

********************************************

He's more suited to a Carrie On film, I reckon...

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife may not be able to sniff out Parkinson's, but she can

smell a rat two weeks before I've even STARTED an affair!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The role of 'period dignity officer' should NEVER have been

given to a man. Period.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For Andrew Pierce to say that 'hiring a comedian to crack jokes on

a serious political programme is an insult to the viewer' is in itself

an insult to the viewer. Patronising git. Or is that insulting to gits?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PM & Deputy PM: how very civilised, we're now 

being governed by a Mrs T and Coffey...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Racism means I still can't hail a cab," claims Edward

Enninful. Really? Not even a black one, haha?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Rishi Sunak needn't be ashamed of losing to Liz Truss - 

Kenneth Clarke once lost to Iain Duncan Smith... 

The Conservative Party is basically nuts.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris's farewell speech: don't know what planet you're living

on, Boris, but you're talking out of Uranus... 

Turns out I DO know which planet!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson...

Admired from Kyiv to Carlisle, my arse. Loathed from

Liverpool to Lossiemouth, more like. Get it right, Liz..

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Let's hear it for Tim Vine...

************************************************

I used to live hand

to mouth. Do you know what changed

my life? Cutlery...

************************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This came 8th in Edinburgh Fringe's Funniest Jokes, 2022. Should 

have won. The winning joke, and most of the others, were either 

rubbish or even older than I am.. What's more, Tim's is a humorous 

haiku/senryu - which is probably news to him. You can't beat a 

three-liner one-liner!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A group of owls is called a parliament. Which probably explains 

why Boris Johnson doesn't give two hoots about what's going on 

in the country...(He was put on earth for one reason, and one 

reason only, to wit: to woo women - or so he imagines)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Calmer Sutra: ideal therapy for Lord Pannick?

-------------------------------------------------------------

THE (LAVA)TORY PARTY - a (busted) flush?

---------------------------------------------------

Tories fire Johnson...

***********************************

Of course Boris was 

a loose cannon - and cannon 

are MEANT to be fired...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A consummate orator, so why do we 'ate 'er? Poor old Meghan.

It's an uphill battle... #OneYoungWorld

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dumped again, son? Fear not, lad - there may not be plenty more

fish in the sea, but there ARE still a few in the s'women pool...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg: 'no word of a Ly'cett', what a breath

of fresh air Joe was. Sometimes life is too serious to take seriously...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meghan Markle's about to give a speech on gender equality in 

Manchester (Personchester?) today. As far as I'm concerned, 

she'll be preaching to the converted - I'm sure she'll be delighted 

to hear that I despise both her AND Harry equally...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh well, it was worth a try...

*********************************

Écrire un haiku

en Français ne le rend pas

meilleur qu'en Anglais...

*********************************

(17 Syllabes)

--------------------------------------------------

BURLY HORSE TRIALS, 2022.

So now we're fat-shaming horses, too?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Not satire, but spiteful cruelty'? Not sure the makers of HIGNFY

should DIGNFY such inane comments with an answer. It was spot on.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A 78-year-old half-naked model on a front cover? Talk about 

'Hutton semi-dressed as lamb'. Sorry, Lauren...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'For heaven's sake, Harry, kiss and make up,' suggests

Sarah Vine. (If he doesn't know how, Meghan could 

always help - she's great a making up. Stories, mostly)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kate Beckinsale in a Greggs bathing costume? Shame they don't

sell pork pies - she could have topped it off with a pork pie hat.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEPO KIDS: if it's a case of 'like father, like son' or 'like mother, like

daughter', you can't make me - sometimes I don't like either of them!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnsoniuk? Boris Johnsonova...and out, hopefully.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Certainly, if he's well-rounded...

*****************************************

If a female 'big

cheese' is a DAME, should a male

big cheese be EDAM?...

*****************************************

#AnagrammyAwardsNomination

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

WARNING: contains graphic description of violence...

Whoever said neither of the Tory leadership contestants is

up to the job has hit the nail on the head... #NationalSocietyForThePreventionOfCrueltyToNails

--------------------------------------------------------------------

If Boris Johnson really is 'likely to run for PM again',

then surely most people with a functioning brain are

'likely to run for the hills again'. Trump and Johnson:

poster boys for a disintegrating world...

--------------------------------------------------------------

A Bit of a DICK/tionary (contd)...

*********************************

PARAFFINALIA -

all the stuff arsonists tend

to come equipped with...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The more trouble Donald Trump gets himself into, the 

more popular he becomes. America is officially nuts...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The further away from the seat of power Boris finds

himself, the more bearable he becomes. We may even

go back to chuckling once again at his musings, safe in 

the knowledge he no longer poses a clear and present 

danger. Always a jester, NEVER A LEADER...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyone ever seen comedian Marcus Brigstocke and

Sky political correspondent in the same room together?

Thought not.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll always be grateful to The Repair Shop for fixing the

table for me. Chelsea are back where they belong again

- at the top!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The biscuit as a social being...

*********************************

Biscuits love to be

in a packet - it gives them

the chance to hobnob...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

DESIGNATED DIVER - usually the centre-forward... #RedCard!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PETULANT CLARK - "why won't they re-release Downtown?" she sulksi

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

David Beckham a gay icon? A man whose paymaster is the Qatari riyal

family - more riyal than you can shake a fist at, by all accounts? You

couldn't make it up...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's all this 'quiet quitting' bullsh*t nonsense? It's called 'working to rule'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the collective noun for a group of snowflakes? A shitload. #NoneTaken

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------