My honey a gym bunny? Not funny...

*******************************

My ex is pushing

60. She says that's all the

exercise she needs...

*******************************

(Her marriage didn't

work out, so why the hell should 

SHE, she tells people)

(17 Syllables)

English Grammar Haiku, No 72...

*******************************************

SIMILES are when 

something's like something else. As

in: "I'm, like, handsome"...

******************************************* 

(17 Rather Sillybles)

Not very Christmassy, but hey ho...

***************************************

If it takes a village to raise a

child, how many villages would 

it take to raise the Titanic?...

***************************************

 *********************************************************

XXMAS JUMPER -  bugger, I'm putting on weight!

**********************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 20)

WFH? WTF!...

*****************************************

Bloody hell! Even

Santa's being forced to work from

ho-ho-home this year...

*****************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 16: 17 Syllables)

Harry & Meghan: may they rot in Helvetica (or ANY typeface, for that matter)

**************************************

Harry may never

become king, but what wouldn't

I give to crown him!...

**************************************

('The insufferable couple': 17 Syllables)

Yet another Netflix trailer...

******************************************

Harry and Meghan

made their bed, so of course they

had to lie in it...

******************************************

...THROUGH THEIR TEETH, as it turned out.

Our esteemed PM...

********************************

No one seems to know

what Rishi stands for. I do.

The Nation'l Anthem.

********************************

(17 Syllables (at a squaaze)

******************************************************

I sympathise with all strikers this 

December: nurses, bus drivers, highway

workers, posties, rail workers, etc - but 

especially Harry Kane...

---the best-paid but unluckiest striker of all.

******************************************************

********************************************

I wish I could get on to Big Brother -

I could do with a reality cheque...

********************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 30)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The difference between Wales and England is the difference

between hoping to at least reach Qatar and hoping to at least

reach the Qatar-finals... #FootballWorldCup

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pause...

*************************

A bit of a break 

now. Incorporating a 

trip to Gambia...

*************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm tired of Gary Neville - I much prefer forward thinkers.

I believe he was a defender...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Pope admits that nuns and priests watch porn. But he

doesn't say if they watch it religiously...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A LO  -  half a loaf is better than none...

---------------------------------------------------------

JACOB REE - half an OAF is better than none...

---------------------------------------------------------

THAI KWONDO - Thai boxing variation...

-------------------------------------------------

And Garfunkel...

******************************************

A multi-storey

carp ark: where the fish park two

by two. Abstract art...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The fact that disgraced ex-PM Boris Johnson is even being 

CONSIDERED as the next leader shows just how despicable the 

Tories have become. We are rapidly becoming a third-world country 

with third-world politicians. I'm off to W.Africa shortly. It won't be 

much of a culture shock...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Madame X-tasy - she makes a bleedin' fortune...

****************************************

S&M? Sure! Who

wouldn't want to be strapped for

cash by the well-heeled?...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

The curative powers of nature...

***********************************

Keep your friends close, but

your anemones closer -

The power of the flower...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

I'm on a health kick...

******************************

Why would I want to

buy an air-fryer? I much

prefer my air grilled...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------

"Bring back Boris," 

Says a half-baked Dorries.

(No ifs or buts, 

They're both bloody nuts)

#ChrymesAgainst Humanity

----------------------------------

There's no glossing over it...

****************************************

I hate painting gyms.

The paint starts running. I guess 

it wants to keep fit...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

But it's a MARQUEE, you plonker!...

***********************************

IN TENTLY - how Paul

Hollywood & Co. watch the

Bake Off contestants...

***********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 25, 17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Tory former public schoolboys don't like being beaten 

by a woman (newspaper headline). I can just hear the 

collective sigh of disappointment from all our country's 

dominatrices... #LizTruss

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The 's' in Ghislaine is silent. I bet Prince Andrew wishes

SHE would be, too... #Maxwell

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Was Chancellor Kwarteng really given his P45 over 45p?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

What's all this fuss about not being able to see your GP?

I saw mine twice last week. Once outside Waitrose, once

on the way out of the local filling station. He didn't

recognise me, mind...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Lies, damned lies and advertising...

*****************************************

One-minute beauty 

treatments: do they work? Or are

their effects 'minute'?...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Four Chancellors in four months? Is Jeremy Hunt the 

Tories' 'ONE LAST CHANCE'llor'?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Are people who are duped by idiots, idiots themselves?

#Trump #TaylorGreene #Walker

-------------------------------------------------------------------

There's some great food at the Quiet Night Inn...

***************************************

"If music be the

food of love, what d'you say to

some Meat Loaf tonight?"...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

The Oxford English Dick-tionary...

*****************************

MERRYTOCRACY -

a society governed

by the slightly pissed...

*****************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The Koh-i-Noor diamond: the jewel in the-i-of the storm.

If Camilla does end up wearing it, there'll be no shortage

of people wanting to crown her...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

If it's not one thing, it's another...

**************************************

Bags For Life? Turns out

they're the ones under my eyes.

Damn all these crises!...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

Yippee, I've bought some worry beads! Now I'm 

worried sick by the fact I might lose them...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 13)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Not sure who's dottier: Damien Hirst, the punters who buy 

his pictures, or the pictures themselves. Not a fan...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE CORRIENATION: Britain, home of the world's longest-running soap.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

************************************

Yes, I'm a people

pleaser, but if you don't like

that, well, I could change... 

************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

SCENT OFF - "it stinks," said the footballer.

SCENT AWAY FOR - I always buy my perfume online.

SCENT TO COVENTRY - eau de parfum ordered by Lady Godiva.

SHORT SCENTENCE - I like perfume.

SCENT PACKING - I work in a perfume production line.

HEAVEN SCENT - divine aroma.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 14)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

SCENTS OF HUMOUR - is that why some people smell funny?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Confused? #MeToo

******************************************

How come you're allowed

to touch someone's heart, but not

their arse or their breasts?...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So Charles wants to drive a coach and horses through any plans

for a really elaborate Coronation? Why a coach and horses, then?

Wouldn't a car do the job just as well?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When asked about Harry's recent behaviour, Charles said "I could

crown the lad!" Is the country heading for a double Coronation?..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***king Charles III

***********************************

Of course I'm not a

republican, some of my

best friends are monarchs...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

Auf wiedersehen, pet...

************************************

Do I prefer dogs

or cats? Neither, really - they

both taste like chicken...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I saw a fly cleaning its wings on a sherbet lemon this morning. 

Lucky bugger. Its very own on sweet bathroom...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 4, 2023)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is a game of two halves, writes Amanda Platell. Just as a

match made in heaven should last more than 90 minutes, I suggest.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The poo of poo-poo...

******************************************

"A cat's litter tray

in the lounge? No way!" Jane soon

poo-pooed the idea...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

If storms have names, why can't showers? We could call

the present one the Conservative Party...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

****************************

Any truth in the

rumour that a racist'll

only tell white lies?...

****************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar. He has no idea it's a space              bar, so he walks out again...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Am I a dog or a cat person? Neither, really. I tend to go for 

the beef...  #TodaysSpecials

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Liz Truss & Karen Millen combine to wow the party faithful.

A great address. A greater dress. #YouThinkSo?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

But I do like the 'liquor' bit...

****************************

In all matters licorice

I'm just a bit vicarish:

- I avoid it religiously -

****************************

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Kwasi Kwarteng gave his conference speech, perspiration

was seeping from his forehead. Not sure if that's what's meant

by the trickle-down effect...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

That guy who dealt with a Tory Conference protester's lanyard

- what a yanker... #Greenpeace

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

DRAUGHT DODGERS - the opposite of storm chasers...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawn 'n' order officers love a grass!

-------------------------------------------

************************************

I know Fulwell who

doesn't like golf: it's the ones

who don't get this pun...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The Ship of State is rudderless. I think we could all do

with a raft of new policies. Women and children first!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you love compromise, but your partner doesn't, why not

meet halfway?... (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 4)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************

The Queen loved Gary

Barlow, apparently. Take

That, Robbie Williams!...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not fair. There was so much publicity about yesterday's "fastest

marathon dressed as a stationery item" record attempt, yet barely

a word about my "slowest marathon dressed as a stationary item"

attempt. Maybe because it's still ongoing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shattered dreams...

***************************************

I'll wake her soul by

tender strokes of art, I thought.
"Gotta fag?" she croaks...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I thought high street stores' changing rooms had always been

unisex. "One item only," our local one states. Seeing as my

wife and I are an item, we've been going in together for years.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Storm IAN? What sort of name is that? What next? Storm

Tarquin? Storm Sebastian? Not exactly names to strike fear

into your average citizen...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will Phillip Schofield continue to present The Queueb?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Probably one of the best Prime Ministers we've had in my 

lifetime, said a voice on the radio about Liz Truss the other 

day. Who knew that 3-day-old babies could talk?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

***********************************

I'm a bit like God

on the dancefloor: I move in

mysterious ways...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

******************************

OUR EPONYMOUSE

HERO - the star of many

a Mickey cartoon...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Woodburning stove companies' online sales have been soaring,

apparently. More and more people are - wait for it - logging on...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Axing the uniquely talented Steve Wright and replacing him - 

no disrespect intended - with a run of the Mills Radio 1 presenter, 

is, sadly, just the latest of a string of incomprehensible decisions 

made by a once-mighty institution. A sad day...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ELEFANTA - jumbo-sized carbonated soft drink...

------------------------------------------------------------

Cisgender benders...

********************************

HALF-CISTERS - they do

seem to be a bit confused

as to their gender...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A giant tortoise fathering eight kids at 70 years of age?

Chapeau! I went into my shell years before that!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

****************************************

Yippee, I've got some

worry beads! Now I'm worried

sick I might lose them...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking at how the pound's performing, I'm not sure if "Tories in 

action" is going to prove any more effective than "Tories' inaction"...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Party conferences: 🥱 Whatever happened to the art of public speaking?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************

A 'clue' is something

that keeps cops occupied while

the villains escape...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'RUSH TO HAND IN PAPER £20 AND £50 NOTES,' read

the newspaper headline. I always wondered what Ian was up

to these days...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know you could do with losing a few pounds when the

actor portraying you has to wear a fat suit. No so, Boris?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Writing wrongs is no way to start righting wrongs, Harry...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bad day for Sterling, but Bellingham had a great game...

#PoundSinksToNewLow #England3Germany3 #Raheem

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Can't be arsed to write any more today. #LazyBastard

I never know how to behave in shoe shops...

****************************

Whenever I see

a shoe I like, I tend to

put my foot in it...

****************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"It's good to have something to fall back on," said the

call girl. "So you've started evening classes, then?" I

asked. "No," she replied, "I've bought myself a bed"...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Is Emma Raducanu the shy, retiring type? No, I wouldn't

say that. Just the retiring type, maybe. Lost count of how

many times, now. (But hey, I'm sure she'll come good)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHARLES FIRES AK-47!  OK, so he hasn't fired her

exactly, but he's certainly freezing her out. By 'her' I mean

Angela Kelly, the Queen's dressmaker - aka "AK-47" to

her colleagues. But don't let the truth get in the way of a

great headline!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

17 rather sillybles...

********************************

When Meghan's son gets

wed, will she be hiring a

Marry Archie band?...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In boxing, lightweights tip the scales at anything from 59.0 - 61.2kg. 

In politics, however, most of the lightweights I hear making 

pronouncements these days weigh considerably more than that...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, but judging by what I've seen so far, I'm not sure I have

much confidence in Liz Truss's quasi Chancellor...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Meghan Markle really IS a narcissistic sociopath, then I'm a 

Dutchman.  Yours, etc, Piet van Rjkaard...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Talk is cheep - well, it IS if you're a chick...

-----------------------------------------------------

Therese Coffey, Health Secretary...

********************************

A league table for

GP practices?  What? Like

a Coffey table?...

********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 26: 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

One-minute beauty treatments? What utter bollocks. Unless

what they mean by 'one-minute' is that the benefits they

achieve in that time are minute...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

There may be a lot of obesity around, but at least our new 

Health Secretary's setting a good example. She's a lightweight.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pounds, shillings and pensive...

**********************************************************

"All my dough's in a

damned trussed fund!" - "Don't you mean 'trust'?"

"No. It's all tied up"...

**********************************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What wouldn't I give to take a red hot poker from my front garden

and shove it up Putin's nuclear arsenal...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A football fan writes:

*********************************

BIELSABUB - a

fallen angel whose sin was

once managing Leeds...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

MERRYTOCRACY - a society governed by the tipsy...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The King has a prerogative over all swans in England and

Wales. And that includes the pens. Heaven help them!...

# LeakyPenTantrums

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Holly seems a bit prickly these days... ('The Queue' row) 

Could Ms Willoughby do with a bit of a fillip?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

President Biden in trade deal row! That must be the 15th row.

The 14th was the one he was sat in at Westminster Abbey...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If the word 'oriental' has gone west, then anything can!... #offensive

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                           ------------------------------------------   

                                            The royal family. What a shower!

                                           ------------------------------------------

                                              ------------------------------------

                                                Charlie's started to reign...

                                               ------------------------------------

It may be a public holiday, but...

***************************************

"SCREENS, NURSE!" Doctors try

to catch the Queen's funeral

whilst on their ward rounds...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

'People were pouring out of their homes to say adieu,' says my

paper. Not me. I was pouring IN my home. Just a glass or two

to drown my sorrows, you understand...  #TheFuneral

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Those are some tattoos! How soon before Brentford footballer

becomes as well known for his body of work as for his body?..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cheaper than a tuba Smarties...

******************************

TENNER SAX - found it

in the charity shop. The 

drums were a fiver...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It doesn't take much, it seems, for things to get really heated at

Leicester. Who needs a BOX of matches when only ONE will do?

As long as it's a cricket match, of course... #T20IndiaPakistan

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wouldn't be surprised if there's now a chip on Harry's shoulder

where once the Queen's initials were...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How better to commemorate the Queen than at Trafalgar Square in

the heart of London? A statue of the Queen and (The Fourth) Plinth 

Philip - together forever...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A uniformed Harry I can just about tolerate, an uninformed one

is harder to bear...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'TENNER SAX,' read the sign. "You've spelt that wrong," I said. 

"No we haven't," they replied, "we've reduced it from twenty"...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The State Funeral will be hosted on ITV by Tom Bradby (1.93m) and 

Julie Etchingham (1.66m), while Huw Edwards (1.83m) and Fergal 

Keane (1.67m) will present for the BBC (Mail, September 16). Absurd, 

right? But no more absurd than what actually appeared in the paper, 

which merely stated their ages. WHY? Why this crazy obsession with age, 

which, as so often, is a totally irrelevant fact? Yours, etc, V.Hefter (1.83m)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They don't call me a stupid sew and sew for nothing...

********************************************

Why on earth d'you call

your sewing machine 'Adele'? - "Why

not? They're both Singers"...

********************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

My mum and Mariah Carey are polar opposites:

Mariah's a Top C diva, mum's a deep sea one...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Qatar has one of the best Spice Markets I've ever been to,'

gushes David Beckham. 'So much choice: Sporty, Scary, Ginger,

Baby, Posh and Rosemary.' Whatever happened to Rosemary?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Following the ascendancy to the throne of His Majesty King

Charles III, it has been decided that I, Vincent A.T. Hefter, of

Richmond, Surrey, shall retain the title of 'Mr'. It is a title I

remain inordinately proud of and shall be equally proud to

pass on to my son upon my demise... #delusionsofgrandeur

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Best TV moment this year? The killer whales' orcas-trated wave

washing of a seal off an ice floe. Is there intelligent life on earth?

There sure is...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From in-laws to in-lawsuits? How soon before Meghan really 

turns on the royal family?..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman with dwarfism dancing on Strictly? She deserves her 

place, so why not? That's about the long and the short of it?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                    ================== o ==================

                                             Papua New Guinea, Goroka Show.

                                     A few years ago now, but good photographs 

                                               are good photographs, right?...
                                                              1991-2001

                         ================================================

                         Now he's retiring, maybe the ITF should be renamed the 

                         International Tennis Federeration in his honour?...

                         ================================================

          -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

           Congratulations to the writers of Coronation Street. Who knew it was possible

              to reach quite so many new lows? I watch the programme purely out of nostalgia, 

              and am loath to give up on it. But if I were to come across it now for the first time, 

              I'd switch off in minutes. Whatever happened to gentle comedy, great characterisation 

              and, dare I say it, the art of scriptwriting?

              ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Queue E II: Those stewards in hi-vis jackets who confiscated my Werther's

Originals are no more than jobsworths who can't do their job for toffee.

Or do I mean caramel candy?            

            ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna

Krishna Krishna Hare Hare

Hare Rama Hare Rama

                                                   Rama Rama Harry Harry 

                                                   Harry Potta Harry Potta

                                                  Potter Potter Harry Harry

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry & Meghan are 15-1 to separate within five years, according to Lilibetfred.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How soon before republican lepidopterists rid the world of the monarch butterfly?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What an impact he's made! Maybe they should rename Erling's club Maan City?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage, eh?...

*************************************

"So what if Charles has

his wife as a sounding board?"

sighs mine, sounding bored...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------

Do racists only tell white lies?..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

There's no coming back now, Boris. You've made your bed,

now lie in it. Like you normally do: through your teeth...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hours...and hours...and hours is not to reason why, ours is

just to queue and cry... #LyingInState

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I cannot help but feel the weight of history, says Charles -

after enduring the LONGEST wait in history...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************

King Charles III - West Ham

II -  a***King marvellous

start to his season!...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

UNSHORN OF THE DEAD - time to get a haircut?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

I wanted to post a rather funny lavatorial joke, but 

my wife poo-pooed the idea...

---------------------------------------------------------------

When you're retired, ever day's an "I'm off to the 

pub"lic holiday...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Going to Westminster Hall to see the Queen lying in

State was so much more rewarding than going to the 

Commons to see Boris Johnson lying in office...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Kim Jong-il, but Charles is fine: how long will it be

before I see a 'King Charles III' headline without

thinking he's been taken ill?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

The Queen & Philip: friends reunited...

**********************************

"What kept you?" asked Phil.

"Duty to my country," said 

Liz, "now move over"...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eating your words is so much easier if they're written on rice paper.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Diego Costa, has-been, signed by Wolves." I'm sorry, I'll read that

again. "DIEGO COSTA HAS BEEN SIGNED BY WOLVES". 

Mind you, I was probably right first time. He's getting on a bit...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cost of living crisis...

**********************************

LADY IN THE RED -

I hear she'll be putting that

dress on eBay soon...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The story used to be one of "Prince Andrew is going to the dogs".

Now, apparently, it's one of "The dogs are going to Prince Andrew".

Makes a change. (He's getting the Queen's corgis)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not a lot of people know this, but three years ago Her Majesty

honoured my trusty old Morris Minor for services to the motor

industry. It's now a Dame-ler...  #CarToon

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Frozen Planet II: a 'stone-cold' certainty to win all the awards going?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry & Meghan. By (dis)appointment to His Majesty King Charles III.

Purveyors of heartache and woe...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LEFTENANT <---------------------------------> RIGHTENANT

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Therese Coffey, Deputy PM...

************************************

Diverse Cabinet,

white Coffey - I think Liz has

got it about right...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

If an OCD sufferer ever inherited money, I'm pretty

sure it would be a tidy sum. A very, VERY tidy sum

- however small...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not sure beating your brother over the head with an

olive branch counts as a conciliatory gesture, William...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

ONE MAN UNITED - Sir Alex Ferguson,

COUNTRY UNITED - the death of Queen Elizabeth...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Not a lot of people know that...

***********************************

I have no car. I

have no phone. A simple life

is a happy life...

***********************************

(I DO have a phone - but it's a landline. A 

'mobile' is a syllable too many!)

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------

Gary 'Toe The Line'ker? No chance, BBC...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A cheese G&T? Talk about a drop of the hard stuff!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Calling new PM 'Thick Lizzie' is no more sexist than calling

ex-PM 'Bonkers Boris'. Gender is a total irrelevance. To

cry 'sexist' or 'misogynist' every time a woman is insulted

does the female gender no favours. Man up, women! 

(hey, I know you can take it)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm lacquered," said the door to No 10. 

"I'm pretty tired myself," replied Mrs Truss...

                    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                     How much expertise to our Secretaries of State actually possess

                     in their particular fields? Precious little, I fear. One day Transport,

                     next day Education (or whatever). Ludicrous way to run anything,

                     let alone a country. My expectations are very low...

                     ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A very touching and FUNNY tribute to the late Queen from

Theresa May in the House of Commons. Who knew? And

another from Boris Johnson. Both very obviously from the

heart. Maybe they've never spoken from the heart before?

Politicians are so much more bearable when they're not

doing politics...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MUGSHOT...

-----------------

Anyone for an ugly mug of Coffey?

                                              

                                 ------------------------------------------------------------
                                           --- Liz Truss and Therese Coffey ---

                                            Mrs T and Coffey. How very quaint..

                                  -----------------------------------------------------------

God's gift to women...

********************************************

Boris Johnson in

Greece? Not quite the same as 'John

Travolta in Grease'...

********************************************

He's more suited to a Carrie On film, I reckon...

(17 Syllables)

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My wife may not be able to sniff out Parkinson's, but she can

smell a rat two weeks before I've even STARTED an affair!...

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The role of 'period dignity officer' should NEVER have been

given to a man. Period.

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For Andrew Pierce to say that 'hiring a comedian to crack jokes on

a serious political programme is an insult to the viewer' is in itself

an insult to the viewer. Patronising git. Or is that insulting to gits?

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PM & Deputy PM: how very civilised, we're now 

being governed by a Mrs T and Coffey...

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"Racism means I still can't hail a cab," claims Edward

Enninful. Really? Not even a black one, haha?...

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Rishi Sunak needn't be ashamed of losing to Liz Truss - 

Kenneth Clarke once lost to Iain Duncan Smith... 

The Conservative Party is basically nuts.

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Boris's farewell speech: don't know what planet you're living

on, Boris, but you're talking out of Uranus... 

Turns out I DO know which planet!...

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Boris Johnson...

Admired from Kyiv to Carlisle, my arse. Loathed from

Liverpool to Lossiemouth, more like. Get it right, Liz..

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Let's hear it for Tim Vine...

************************************************

I used to live hand

to mouth. Do you know what changed

my life? Cutlery...

************************************************

(17 Syllables)

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This came 8th in Edinburgh Fringe's Funniest Jokes, 2022. Should 

have won. The winning joke, and most of the others, were either 

rubbish or even older than I am.. What's more, Tim's is a humorous 

haiku/senryu - which is probably news to him. You can't beat a 

three-liner one-liner!...

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A group of owls is called a parliament. Which probably explains 

why Boris Johnson doesn't give two hoots about what's going on 

in the country...(He was put on earth for one reason, and one 

reason only, to wit: to woo women - or so he imagines)

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The Calmer Sutra: ideal therapy for Lord Pannick?

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THE (LAVA)TORY PARTY - a (busted) flush?

---------------------------------------------------

Tories fire Johnson...

***********************************

Of course Boris was 

a loose cannon - and cannon 

are MEANT to be fired...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

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A consummate orator, so why do we 'ate 'er? Poor old Meghan.

It's an uphill battle... #OneYoungWorld

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Dumped again, son? Fear not, lad - there may not be plenty more

fish in the sea, but there ARE still a few in the s'women pool...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg: 'no word of a Ly'cett', what a breath

of fresh air Joe was. Sometimes life is too serious to take seriously...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meghan Markle's about to give a speech on gender equality in 

Manchester (Personchester?) today. As far as I'm concerned, 

she'll be preaching to the converted - I'm sure she'll be delighted 

to hear that I despise both her AND Harry equally...

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Oh well, it was worth a try...

*********************************

Écrire un haiku

en Français ne le rend pas

meilleur qu'en Anglais...

*********************************

(17 Syllabes)

--------------------------------------------------

BURLY HORSE TRIALS, 2022.

So now we're fat-shaming horses, too?...

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'Not satire, but spiteful cruelty'? Not sure the makers of HIGNFY

should DIGNFY such inane comments with an answer. It was spot on.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A 78-year-old half-naked model on a front cover? Talk about 

'Hutton semi-dressed as lamb'. Sorry, Lauren...

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'For heaven's sake, Harry, kiss and make up,' suggests

Sarah Vine. (If he doesn't know how, Meghan could 

always help - she's great a making up. Stories, mostly)

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Kate Beckinsale in a Greggs bathing costume? Shame they don't

sell pork pies - she could have topped it off with a pork pie hat.

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NEPO KIDS: if it's a case of 'like father, like son' or 'like mother, like

daughter', you can't make me - sometimes I don't like either of them!

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Boris Johnsoniuk? Boris Johnsonova...and out, hopefully.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Certainly, if he's well-rounded...

*****************************************

If a female 'big

cheese' is a DAME, should a male

big cheese be EDAM?...

*****************************************

#AnagrammyAwardsNomination

(17 Syllables)

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WARNING: contains graphic description of violence...

Whoever said neither of the Tory leadership contestants is

up to the job has hit the nail on the head... #NationalSocietyForThePreventionOfCrueltyToNails

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If Boris Johnson really is 'likely to run for PM again',

then surely most people with a functioning brain are

'likely to run for the hills again'. Trump and Johnson:

poster boys for a disintegrating world...

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