my perennial old chestnut - how I've missed you...

*****************************

I always Knew Year's
resolutions to give up
on puns wouldn't work...

*****************************








(17 Perennially Sillybles)

caution doesn't run in her family - it crawls...

***************************************

timid drivers drive
their passengers round the bend -
but very slowly...

***************************************










(17 Syllables)

genius doesn't come cheap...

 *****************************

"My brain hurts," I told
the consultant. "It's all in
your head," he told me...

******************************









(17 Syllables)

yeah, right...

**********************************

'Wish you were here,' I
write. (I like to lie in the
sun. Just white lies, though)

**********************************








 (17 Sillybles)

****************************************************

Christmas always falls on the 25th. So
does dad. Can't take his drink, bless him...

****************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 27)

*********************************************************

Mr and Mrs Jones are so close, they even finish
each other's sentences. Which doesn't say much
for prison security...

*********************************************************

quite a wit, was A.N.Other...

**************************

the list of famous
unattributable quotes
goes on...anon..an...

**************************











(17 Syllables)

when the Christmas spirit's 63% proof...

******************************

Christmas always falls
on the 25th. So does
dad. No head for booze...

******************************









(17 Seasonal Sillybles)

**************************************************

Reliable parachutes always let you down...

**************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 23)

a work of fiction...

****************************

I've just entered a
short story competition.
And won! This is it.

****************************










(17 Syllables)

we tend to make a meal of it...

*******************************

organising a
meal by the riverside's no
picnic, believe me...

*******************************












(17 Syllables)

Three UK...

***************************************

Two's company, three's
 ...a company, too, right? Three.

co.uk

***************************************

(Just sayin': 17 Syllables)

she nearly ran out of gas, to be honest...

***********************************************

"My sister used to

go speed-dating" - "Really? How fast?" -

"Twenty males an hour"...

***********************************************

(17 Syllables)

bugger!...

******************************

Any Tom, Dick or
Harry can write a haiku.
Sadly, my name's Jerr...

******************************










(17 Syllables)

[ ]

*******************************

The photo above
was taken by a thief. Dad
took the other ones...

*******************************












('Note the use of colour': 17 Syllables)

"just how fast IS fast?" asked the runner bean...

***********************************

My weight problem? It's
not from eating fast food, it's
from eating food fast...

***********************************












('Cooked in minutes, gone in seconds': 17 Syllables)

**************************************************

Are blueberries and gooseberries
brought up to respect their elderberries?

**************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 14)

she who must be - ignored?...

*******************************

"Too full, Vince!" (When I 

run a bath I always get 

into hot water)

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

trespassers will be prosecuted...

**************************************

Hey, you! Get out of
that hammock! I said "sling your
hook!" not "hook your sling"...

**************************************











(17 Sillybles)

tel: me it isn't so...

*****************************************

"I'm sick of f*cking
cold callers," moaned my wife. "So
stop f*cking them, dear"...

*****************************************











(17 Syllables)

so's dad - so it must have been him!...

*************************************

Blimey! There's so much
booze in our Christmas cake it's
half-cut already!...

*************************************




(17 Syllables)

***********************************************

Time flies, yet it's never read a book
in its life. So why the hell can't I, when
I've been studying gravity for years?...

***********************************************











(Talking of which, why are books about anti-gravity so hard to put down?)

when the topic's the tropics...

************************************

Have you got a fan
in your bedroom? Yes. At least,
she says she's a fan...

************************************










('Tourist groupies':17 Syllables)

unperturbed & breakfast...

*******************************

Jane loves me making
her breakfast in bed. Even
helps balance the stove...

*******************************










(17 Syllables)

if at first you don't succeed, tough!...

**********************************

Judges can't try, try
and try again. Thank God for
double jeopardy!...

**********************************












(17 Syllables)

 ***********************************

"Is jelly a set
meal?" - Yes, if you leave it in
the fridge long enough...

***********************************









(17 Rather Sillybles, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 6)

post-coital, and still touchy-feely?...

*****************************

I thought she might like
a hair of the dog - so I
pawed her a bit more...

*****************************





(talk about heavy petting)






(17 Syllables)

my vet - he's barking, if you ask me...

*********************************

A dog's stool should be
solid. "Just in case someone
wants to sit on it"...

*********************************










(17 Syllables)

3 lines - and a short sentence to follow?...

*************************************

"How do you plead?" asked
the judge. "Guilty, honour your
not." "Out of order!"...

*************************************











(17 Syllables)

 **********************************************

Most people want to leave their mark
on the world. Sometimes it turns out to
be a stain...

**********************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 2)

****************************************

My wife's just bought a racehorse.
Now she's saddled with debt...

****************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 30)

Frenchship (Le Weekend Away)

*****************************************

Salmon and eggs for breakfast!
It was really quite a treat...
(But our friends all came from Paris,
So they eight shredded huit)

*****************************************













('A broad and three fellows': 17 Syllables)

plastic (not so) fantastic...

**********************************

Our marriage is just
like my brand new debit card
these days. Contactless...

**********************************





 (and just as stress-inducing)






(17 Syllables)

*********************************

Where do black widow
spiders look for a mate? "On
the dark web, I guess"...

*********************************






(as for a new home, any old web site would do)







(17 Syllables)

***********************************

What two words would you
say sum up pop (the question)
music? "Kneel, diamond!"...

***********************************











(17 Syllables)

turning the light off - and me on...

***************************************

my wife will only
make love in the dark - she hates
to see me happy...

***************************************












(17 Syllables)

******************************************************

"That's far too full!" complains my wife.
Every time I run a bath I get into hot water...

******************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 24)

every cloud, as they say...

************************************

Security firms
are making a bomb these days.
Which they then defuse...

************************************












(17 Syllables)

guru, teacher, guide, dickhead...

*****************************

"never go swimming
after a meal, or jogging
after a burglar"...

*****************************














("Stop, thief!" he whispered: 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Near the entrance to Richmond Park there's a "No Parking By This Bend" sign.
Just round the corner a keep-fit class was going on. "No Bending By This Park,"
I felt like shouting...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Robbin' in Da Hood...

****************************************

Modern-day Robin
Hoods now take from the rich and
give to the pawn shops...

****************************************













(17 Syllables)

if you go down to the beach today...

**********************************

Danger, No Swimming!

If the crime wave doesn't get

you, the RIP tide will...

**********************************

(17 Rather Sillybles)

reach for the sta(i)rs - the Fred Astaires...

*****************************

if you want to reach
the top as a dancer, take
the Fred Astaircase...

*****************************














(17 Syllables)

old age: the age-old problem...

***********************************

I'm 47.
Except in Tuesdays, of course,
when I meet sarah...

***********************************












('The camera never lies - but hey, I do':17 Syllables)

bags of time - and padded, too!...

***************************

they said they'd send it
to me in a Jiffy, but
it's still not arrived...

***************************













(17 Syllables)

 ***************************************************

90% of atoms arrested by the police are not
charged. But they'll still keep an ion them...

****************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 15)

no wonder he's flagging...

******************************

wow, such pressure! - an
assistant referee's job's
always on the line...

******************************














(17 Syllables)

no money, no honey...

*******************************

Want to get stung? Have
a bee venom facial: three
hundred pounds, at least!

*******************************












('They must have seen me coming': 17 Syllables)

like a kid in a suite shop...

*******************************

Damn! Our new puppy's

eaten the sofa! That's one

hell of a suite tooth!...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

The Debating Society...

**************************

"Field event are not
nearly as absorbing as
track events". Discus.

**************************











(17 Syllables)

stupid knit...

******************************

I always thought a
cardiologist was a
girl who made cardies...

******************************











('Well, she certainly puts her heart into it': 17 Syllables)

rugby un_on (i left at half-time)

***************************************

Rugby Union's

so boring. Once you've seen one

scrum, you've seen the maul...

***************************************

(I love the sport, to be honest: 17 Syllables)

one of her 5-a-day insults...

*******************************

My wife's the apple
of my eye. But, to her, I'm
an ugli fruit. Bitch...

*******************************












(17 Syllables)

still, it's pleasant enough, I suppose...

*********************************

Why is cordial a
cold drink? Isn't it meant to
be warm and friendly?...

*********************************












(17 Syllables)

Couch potato? Or three-piece sweet potato?...

********************************

I'm addicted to
furniture stores. Talk about
having a suite tooth!...

********************************












(17 Syllables)

will this get me into hot water?...

**********************************

A watched kettle...is
probably pretty hot. I
know watched women are...

**********************************













(17 Syllables)

the height of fashion...

*****************************************

if a new dress suits
you down to the ground, why wear
it only knee-length?...

*****************************************












('XXLent choice, madam': 17 Syllables)

what, the ones the engine keeps cutting out?...

***************************************

"Do you ever buy
Lawnmower's Weekly?" - "No, dad
sends me the cuttings"...

***************************************












(17 Syllables)

making "all" the difference...

**********************************

My girlfriend was all
over me once. Now she's just
over me. Fine lines...

**********************************











(17 Syllables)

***********************************************

kleptomaniacs take most things in their
stride (if no-one's looking)

***********************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 1)

thirsty work, this Crusading lark...

*************************************

"Fifteen pints, nine gins
and a Whisky Mac, please": the
Order of the Knights...

*************************************












(17 Syllables)

so clever a daughter, I wonder who taught 'er?...

*********************************

"Are these grasshoppers
or crickets, dear?" - I didn't
know. But Katydid...

*********************************











(17 Syllables)

followed by stollen cake? or the police?...

******************************

If you steal a Big
Mac are you a shoplifter -
or a hamburglar?...

******************************











(17 Very Sillybles)

***********************************************************************

"Cancer!" said the doctor. But I wasn't worried - it wasn't a
death sentence. A sentence needs a subject and predicate...

***********************************************************************












(17 Syllables)

Thomas Cowell & Sons, Purveyors of Lamb to Her Majesty the Queen...

*****************************************

Little Bo Peep's lost
her sheep and doesn't know where
to find them. I do.

*****************************************










(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------
This one is the comedian Sean Lock's:  
--------------------------------------------
Old Ladies' Knickers
------------------------
 Rose's are red, 
Violet's are blue,
Enid's are white...
----------------------

think tanks...

*********************************************

Scuba divers  are
quite deep thinkers. Then they come
up with good ideas...

*********************************************










(17 Syllables)

the British Isles'tay here, thanks...

**********************************

Terrorism means
more staycations. Our hotels
are making a bomb...

**********************************











(17 Syllables)

without a stain on his larynx...

**************************************

how can a judge clear
his throat when he doesn't know
what the charges are?...

**************************************












(17 Syllables)

*********************************************************************************

I'll say this about dieticians: they sure hate to see food go to waist...

*********************************************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 21)

emotional wreckage...

***************************

The AA breakdown
service: for recovering
alcoholics, right?

***************************












(17 Syllables)

the house husband...

****************************************

"Who the hell takes an
hour to make a bed?" - "A damned
fast carpenter, love"...

****************************************












(17 Syllables, back in Gambia)

************************************************************************

Poor old Boris. He makes a good case for Brexit. Then Wrexit.

************************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 19)

***********************************************

Lanky-panky: two giraffes canoodling...

***********************************************





(white-water canoodling, wanky-panky and manky-panky unprintable, sadly)





(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 18)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bangladesh v England, 1st Test: if Bangladesh win, as seems likely, will
England accept the result, or will they do a Trump?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Family planning clinics are being closed due to local authority funding cuts,
apparently. Shouldn't that read 'funding less cuts'? Seeing as vasectomies
have fallen by two-thirds in a decade...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

no point beating about the Bush (he was another one)

*****************************

If Trump wants to be
a dictator, well he's half-
way there. He's a dic...

*****************************









(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Paxman rails against the tendency of previously desk-bound news
presenters to stand up these days. It seems the exact opposite applies to comedy:
more and more stand-ups are now turning to sitcom. Funny, that. (See "Josh")
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eating sausages and bacon may be a migraine risk (news item). You're telling me!
I get a headache just thinking about the exponential and well-publicised rising
cost of a full English these days...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sleeping partners...

*******************************

of course I enjoy
your company, dear - I'm a
major shareholder...

*******************************











(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eating your way to a younger brain certainly works (new item). I've been
sucking sweets and buying lollipops for years and my doctor says I'm great
for my age! "You've got the mind of a six-year-old," were his exact words...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surely the only thing you can enjoy with your cuppa of 'Fresh Plucked'
(costing £92.50 per 2.5 grams) from England's only tea plantation is a very,
very rich tea biscuit...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It may not be a good idea to store tomatoes in the fridge (news item), but
it's the only place to keep your Magnum if you don't want it to go off...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

to my dear wife - my increasingly dear wife...

***********************************
our marriage is like
my new credit card: still dear,
but contactless now...

***********************************











(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
With regard to sleep cycles (news item), my wife and I were wondering whether
the 4 cycles we require could be replaced by 2 tandems to hurry things along a bit?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Poor old Donald Trump. He thought he was leaving his mark on the world. Turns
out it's a stain...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, my grandfather clock's just like yours! The resemblance is striking - on the
hour, every hour...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dieting's a piece of cake. And that's the problem...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'17 Rather Sillybles' from my travels, 1991-2001...

********************************

you can't hit children
any more, but you can still
Patagonia...

********************************











(Hitchhiking in Argentina - Rio Gallegos to Puerto Madryn)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
£100,000 for a mattress? (news item). Why not? It's the gift that keeps on giving.
Then bouncing straight back up again...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hillary for President! No-one should allow an Alpha male to Beta woman into
submission and get away with it (never mind the other stuff Mr Trump is
alleged to have got up to).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like Liz Jones, I, too, have an eating problem. Whilst she admits to counting
almonds, I count everything. My diet is all about portion control. Yesterday it
was pasta, my favourite. 2.3oz, to be exact. Not a penne more, not a penne less.
I find the lbs then look after themselves...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I sympathise with Liz Jones. Eating disorders aren't much fun. May I
recommend my multiple-personality disorder? At least when I'm down I can
give myself a group hug...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************************************

Organising a family meal by the riverside is no picnic, believe me!"

******************************************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 13)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lily Allen promises to take in a refugee child at her £2million home. I hope that's
not the same as being taken in by many a government's promise to solve the housing
crisis. Just words...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jan Moir's dislike of cushions with banal platitudes on them reminds me of my feelings
towards the late Bernard Manning. Plump enough, but quite the wrong material...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Order of the Bath...

*****************************************

Just two taps on the
shoulder, and you're a knight. Cold
tap, left. Hot tap, right...

*****************************************












('String vestiture': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"That's an Aragon and Tudor go" (that's an hour gone and two to go) quipped
Mel Gledroyc on Bake Off. If a court jester had come up with that at the time,
would a groaning Henry have laughed one of his wives' heads off?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

if you follow me...

*********************************

There's no such thing as
a hard act to follow these
days. Thanks to Facebook...

*********************************





- you can follow anyone these days...






(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
25% of GP's surgeries are unsafe (news item). Too right! They're a veritable
ca-cough-cough-cophony of flu sufferers!...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a good one-liner? - or one good liner?...

******************************************************************

a jolly happy crew's the recipe for a jolly happy cruise...

******************************************************************



a jolly happy
crew's the recipe for a
jolly happy cruise...(17 rather sillybles)



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 11)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the Duchess of Cambridge's Kate Spade dress suits her down to the ground, why does
she wear it only knee-length?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've long had to accept the fact that my girlfriend's one of those women who tells their
friends absolutely everything. In her case, it's on the phone. Talk about kiss and tel:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Terrorism fear leads to boom in staycations (news item). B&Bs must be making a bomb...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

peace be upon you...

***********************************

is 'to compromise'
to whack someone in the face
with an olive branch?...

***********************************












(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wayne Rooney dropped! Will he bounce back? Or am I confusing him with
Kanga Rooney?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rolf Harris's daughter calls his victims 'liars, cheaters and thieves'. If she's
saying he was framed, methinks she's confusing the artist with his paintings.
Which is why he's only to be found in the rogues' gallery these days...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three cheers for handbag auctions! "If you can't give your women bags of
attention, then just give them bags!" There's no excuse now, men...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know much about art, but I know what I like...

*************************************

My wife's as pretty
as a picture - that one by
Munch. 'The Scream', it's called.

*************************************





(she's got quite a big frame, too, come to think of it)






(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems the Army's now advertising for 'black British' privates and lance-corporals to
to join its recruitment team. Wouldn't people of colour sergeants do a better job?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If olive crops continue to fail, will salad become a problem that needs a dressing?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hey, a life's a life, right?...

******************************

I tried to save a
vegan's bacon yesterday.
Turned out to be quorn...

******************************











(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, THE fashion must-have style of the autumn, kangaroo fur slippers,
is called 'the sliced loaf'. A bit of a misnomer, to say the least. Those promoted
by Tom Hiddleston cost £650, for example. Slightly more than a loafer bread, I
suggest. (Let alone a slice.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woe is me! It appears cut-glass accents have been replaced in women's affections
by cut-grass bodies. Thanks a bunch, Aidan Turner. 'Posh' no longer cuts it, it
appears. Certainly not as well as the instrument famously wielded by Mr Turner.
The more things change, the more they stay the same, it seems: scythe matters.
Always has, always will...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a certain Maye Musk can enjoy a 'greynaissance' in the modelling world at the
age of 68, how about us men? 'The Bald and the Beautiful' (if I say so myself) still
have a lot to offer...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's certainly large enough...

******************************

Ha! Katie Price? A
national treasure? Is she
kept in her own chest?...

******************************












('36B or not 36B? That is the question': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If (God forbid) Donald Trump were to become President, would the USA
become 'The Land Of The Free (To Touch Women Anywhere You Want)'?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************************

More and more fifty-plus women are in anguish about
going off sex these days (news item). And I fear my wife
is among them. She doesn't make love when she plays
scrabble any more. It's 'vole' every time. She's changed...

*******************************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 6)

inexcUSAble...

*****************

Donald Trump:

*****************

so...arrogant,
so...egotistical,
so...delusional,
so...bombastic,
so...abrasive,
so...provocative,
so...unhinged,
so...unstable,
so...dangerous,
so...he'll probably be the next President of the United States.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I dreamed I went clubbing with Usain Bolt last night, and we both pilled. He got the
girl, I got the hamstring...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Play golf and you'll live longer (news item). Which is why I never go anywhere
without my driver. Or Mike, as I believe he's called...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Silly me. I always thought Rob Kardashian was Kim's brother. Turns out it was an
instruction...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************

Never go to bed on an argument.
Sleep on the sofa instead...

***************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 4)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, Kirstie Allsopp, the camera does add a few extra pounds. More than a few,
I would have thought. Depends how good your agent is...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cod speak with accents (news item). So do Salmond and Sturgeon, but I can
still understand almost everything they say...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What next, Jamie Oliver? Steak and kidney pie'ella? Methinks he's confusing
'fusion' with 'confusion'...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

60%?

*********************************

if the cops accuse
you of nicking whisky, how
much proof do they need?...

*********************************












(17 Very Sillybles)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A black dormouse has been spotted in the UK for the first time. Yippee!
Black or white, I a doremice...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No running...in the playground! (news item). Or...in No. 10, I suggest.
Better to walk the country well than run it badly, Theresa.
(Slowly, slowly, catchee monkey - when it comes to speed, don't be a junkie)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

old cauliflower ears...

*******************************

My dad never changed
the face of rugby, but it
sure as hell changed his...

*******************************











('The journeyman': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems Radio 4's The Now Show has invented a brand new crime: middle class, white
manslaughter - ridding themselves of what they consider to be an excess of middle
class white man's laughter..
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So George Osborne is set to make up to £75,000 an hour on the speaking circuit.
Whatever happened to free speech, George?...(Whoever said 'talk is cheap'? Depends who's
doing the talking, I suppose)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

great gossip = chatterbox office...

***********************************

My wife tells her friends
everything on the phone. Talk
about kiss and tel: 

***********************************












(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week the press wrote of forgeries by the 'Moriarty of Old Masters' costing
investors up to £200million. I think maybe now would be an appropriate time to
reveal myself as the self-appointed 'Moriarty of Facebook'. The big difference,
of course, is that my crimes are victimless. To date, I have forged well over 1,000
friendships, and to the best of my knowledge no-one seems to care one iota that
not one of them is genuine...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We cannot have sex on Sooty," said BBC Governor. Poor old Harry Corbett.
You couldn't blame him for wanting to keep his hand in...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We cannot have sex on Sooty," said BBC Governor. Why not? They're only
glove puppets, so nothing would have got out of hand...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taking cider vinegar can help reduce the risk of heart attacks and strokes (news
item). I always felt that these were two problems that needed a dressing...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Breathalyzer Doolittle...

**************************************

"mirror, signal, pass
the liquor - let's jump the lights
and see who's quicker"...

**************************************












(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being seen next to an ugly friend makes you look more attractive,
research has confirmed. "Why else," says my wife, "have I always
followed Tammy Wynette's advice to "Stand By Your Man?"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mediawatch-UK says that, when it comes to defining the word 'rude',
"Ofcom is remarkably out of touch with the viewing public". Roughly
translated, I think that means "F*** Ofcom"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If restaurants do reduce the size of their puddings (news item), will
their customers dessert them?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3 fishing lines...

**************************************

'Damn, I'm hooked,' thought the
cod. 'If they don't throw me back
in, I'll be gutted'...

**************************************













(17 Syllables)

forget lap dancing clubs - think 'half-lap' dancing clubs...

*******************************

Only Usain Bolt's
fiancée can really claim to
have pulled a fast one...

*******************************













(17 Rather Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't live my life by a plot," says Noel Edmonds (Mail). But I'm pretty sure
he would do if he hadn't gone and lost it...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may have a heart that's older than I am (news item), but my doctor says I'm
great for my age. "You've got the mind of a ten-year-old" were his exact words.
It all balances out...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, too, has 'That Coat' by Zara. But I've found out to my cost that
painting the town red invariably requires more than one coat...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

no pyjamas - just a railway tracksuit...

**************************************

railway sleepers made
of balsa are easy to
wake - they're light sleepers...

**************************************













('Existing in a parallel universe': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GPs get £400m a year to treat patients who don't exist (news item).
"The doctor will see you now," said the receptionist to the invisible man.
I always thought that was a joke. Turns out it's not...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If football is 'the beautiful game', then beauty doesn't so much lie in the
eye of the beholder as just plain lie. How about transferring this moniker
to squash, golf or tennis?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I recently bought a startup beekeeping kit. And I was badly stung - to
the tune of about £500...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's not something you're going to shout about...

***********************************

The b in debt is
silent (as are those who don't
want to b in debt)

***********************************











(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What does Prince Charles actually do?" - "He's a waiter" - "Really?" -
"Yes...67 years old, and still waiting"...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Project For A Door? The Turner Prize has long been the butt of people's
jokes. This year the joke's on us, it seems...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So sad to hear that Beef Wellington is being given the boot. I shall miss
walking into a restaurant and asking if they have it in size 6...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surely the 16ft high male buttocks now on display at Tate Britain
should be called 'Project To Adore'?...(it's titled 'Project For A Door')
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I think maybe he was too indecisive," says Sam Allardyce of Roy
Hodgson. Make your mind up, Sam. Pot, kettle, black, and all that...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

tu es anglais?...

**********************************

"Water, water," smiled
the Frenchman. (He only had
Eau-Level English)

**********************************













(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just as love goes with marriage, so eyesight and hearing go with the passage of
time. But, at 76, Prue Leith is proving that there's no reason why anything else
should. There's hope for us all...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that a sperm bank has launched a smartphone app to help women find
potential donors, 'sex app.eal' takes on a whole new meaning...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems Kate's main concern when meeting the Canadian PM and his wife is the
correct form of a dress. We've all been there...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

****************************************************************

Maureen Lipman portrays Nigel Farage as a frog in her
book of  cartoons featured last week. Well, she picked
the right amphibian, because if there's one thing this
straight-talking politician ain't, it's a toady...

****************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, September 25)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like Kate Winslet, my grandad likes his turkey jerky (news item). Me, I prefer to
wait a week or two. Eating something in its death throes is not to everyone's taste...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's no surprise that 'Judge' Rinder was so good on Strictly. It's what judges do:
they try, try and try again. Bound to get it right eventually...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hear that a suspect has been arrested for taking over 3,000 photographs of Pippa
Middleton. I've taken a few myself. Am I to expect a knock on the door?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************************

Everyone says great champions such as Mo, Laura, Jason
and Andy will be hard acts to follow. Nonsense. Thanks to
Facebook and Twitter, you can follow anyone these days...

*********************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 23)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was reported last week that the BBC regards Chris Packham not as a
regular presenter, but a recurring one. The landlord of my local was devastated
when I told him that, as of now, I would no longer be a regular at his pub...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************

My brother's a lumberjack. Such a nice feller...

*******************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 22)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Horses really can be taught to 'talk' (news item). Mine already does, sadly.
Bit of a nag, to be honest...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did the Duke of Windsor have a love child with a seamstress? Could be.
He always was a bit of a sew-and-sew...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ask me 'owt, love...

*****************************

asking Yorkshiremen
anything is not the same
as asking them out...

*****************************







"I think she likes me"...








('English as a foreign language': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The dawn chorus? Fish sing it, too (news item). "Yes, but not always in the
right quay," the piano tuna informs me...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The dawn chorus? Fish sing it, too (news item). In a desperate attempt to
reach those elusive high C's?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************

Music being the food of love, I'm surprised
Pippa Middleton didn't include Meat Loaf in
her 'foolproof recipes for romance'...

***************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 21)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which Blair Project is next in line now he's shutting down the secretive
money-making empire that's made him almost as much as the film itself?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
With due respect, I shall continue to blame my genes for being overweight.
But not the 'fat gene'. It's the 'lazy gene' that's the problem. Why else is it
that the only thing I ever exercise in the gym is my right to do nothing?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

post-coital, and still touchy-feely?...

*****************************

I thought she might like
a hair of the dog - so I
pawed her another...

*****************************













(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do celebrity 'eco-warriors' who bang on about greenhouse gas emissions
undo all their good work by going the extra mile? And in their private jets, too...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'The Scream' by Edvard Munch was used to illustrate an article on night terrors
recently. When I tell my wife she looks as pretty as a picture, that's the picture
I mean. No wonder I, too, have nightmares...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

they still look a bit flushed, if you ask me...

************************************

if saveloys are
cured pork sausages, then why
do they still look sick?...

************************************













(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women are worse than men when it comes to beer goggles, apparently
(news item). Is that the subtle difference between looking at members of
the opposite sex and looking at the opposite sex's members?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are the new Ugg/Teva open-toed boots the uggliesteva?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

there must be amoral here somewhere...

*************************************

Yes, I'm morally
bankrupt. But I'm hoping they'll
discharge me next week...

*************************************






(I've bunged the Official Receiver a tenner, that should swing it.)







(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, it's true, this country has long been famous for its terrible teeth
(news item). Why else do British dentists always look down in the
mouth? The mouth they look down in is invariably British...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I sympathise with Liz Jones. "To go to town" means to do something
enthusiastically. Must be hard if the town's Richmond...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************

A drinker's guide to sport: Football: a game
of two halves. Cricket: a game of seven or eight
pints. I know which I prefer...

*********************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 16)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You report that there's an 18-carat toilet at the Guggenheim at the moment.
Can I use it for Flushing Meadows?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, do
those who have opals have no pals?...

*********************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 15)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the doghouse, pup that ate £2,000 sofa (news item). Don't all pooches
have a suite tooth?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife also had a bee venom facial recently (news item). And boy, was
she stung - to the tune of over £350...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

once a knight, always a knight, twice a night, and...

*******************************

My dream is to make
love to Keira Knightley. Or
weekly, if she's game...

*******************************












(A week joke? Or a once a week joke?: 17 Syllables)

not going bust is just as important as having one...

*******************************

models don't just need
a head for business, but a
body for it, too...

*******************************












(Pretty (tick) Successful (tick) business (tick) model (tick) required: 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mel 'n' Sue are leaving Bake Off. Cue strange feeling of mel 'n 'choly...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that Ofcom has endorsed sex on the telly, how about bringing back
a revamped 'Lust of the Summer Wine' for us oldies?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Victoria Beckham describes her family as a 'travelling circus'. Certainly
the only one with a surgically-enhanced big top...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Victoria Beckham describes her family as a 'travelling circus'. Two
clowns doth not a circus make, Victoria...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'll give you a hand," I said. To myself.

*****************************

Jane went out last night,
so I had to try for a
baby on my own...

*****************************











(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seeing as the new plastic £5 notes can survive being put through a
washing machine, should we expect an increase in money laundering?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An official review suggests 50 MPs may have to give up their seats. Not to
women, I trust. Wouldn't want to upset the militant feminists...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Queen's major allegedly snorts powder off ceremonial sword. A tin foil,
presumably?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the PM gave Jamie Oliver the cold shoulder, he probably took one
look at it and thought 'pork fried noodles, 20 minutes, dead easy'. Who
says he doesn't make a meal of it when he's snubbed?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

knights in white satin...

********************************

I don't like nighties -
all I want my wife to wear
in bed is...me out!

********************************












(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Victoria Beckham is bringing back anorexia chic? No guesses as to what
'Britain's Next Top Model' will win this year. A lucrative contract and atrophy...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 'b' in debt is silent. So, sadly, are some of the CCJs obtained against people
in their absence. No-one wants to 'b' in debt, especially unknowingly...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No disrespect, but who else would treat a bad back with an oil-filled doughnut?
Kati Basti? She does, indeed, sound like a nut with too much dough...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's great to see new faces on the telly. Same old actresses, of course. Just brand
new faces. The wonders of Botox. I always thought ageing actresses complained
when they got less lines?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do I sleep like a bear or a dolphin? (news item). Like a dolphin, as far as I'm
concerned. I've tried many remedies, but none have been fit for porpoise...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

welcome side-effects...

***********************************

Viagra sure helps
the brain. I can now solve the
stiffest of problems...

***********************************













(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did Alan Johnson have a problem with the acronym 'PENIS'?
(Department of Productivity, Energy, Industry and Science). He is, himself,
a long-standing member of the Mother of Parliaments and should be able to
rise above such nonsense...Yours in all innocence, etc...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"People in love shouldn't wear clothes," Elizabeth Jane Howard tells her
lover Kingsley Amis. I couldn't agree more. All I want my wife to wear
in bed is...me out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whether or not it works, 'cupping' certainly seems to be all the rage these
days. It's not really my cup of tea, to be honest, but I'd certainly rather be
cupped than mugged.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kew laughter...

*******************************************

"What's the best way to
get to Kew?" - "You walking?" - "Yes" -
"Good. That's the best way"...

*******************************************













(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'60 stranded overnight as winds buffet cable car' (news item). Without wishing
to make light of it, my dyslexic friend wondered why 'Vince Cable suffering
from wind in a buffet car' was news...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All I have to say to those refugees trying to board lorries to cross the Channel:
yes, you're now going to have to contend with a four-metre high wall blocking
your way. Get over it. (And I'm sure they'll try)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know what? Those new 2.75in tall 'micro mobiles' mentioned in last week's
paper may not be to everyone's taste - but they're just the job for small talk...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************************

"We need to get this party started," says Keith Vaz. He
might well have added: "before this bitter leadership
battle brings it to a swift and ignominious end". It's
always politics with Keith...

***************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 8)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is anti-bacterial handwash behind the rise of superbugs? (news item). How long
before estate agents start boasting about their anti-bacterial properties?
Sometimes clean-living can be taken just a bit too far. Nothing wrong with a
few germs to boost the immune system...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Petula Clark soothes pre-gig nerves by ironing, apparently (news item). Not the
sheet music, I hope. Some of her notes did seem unusually flat the other night...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Never mind the action scenes, I suggest Aidan Turner uses his body double to
hang around on the set for him between takes while he himself nips down to
the pub. Filming can be a tedious business...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************

Talk about pressure! An assistant referee's job
always seems to be on the line...

******************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 6)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knowing what we now know, Keith Vaz probably enjoys being Fleet Street's
whipping boy just a tad too much...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could it be that Prince Charles is suffering from 1st and 2nd Class Post-
traumatic stress disorder at the very thought of the increasing use of Twitter
bringing about the demise of Royal Mail?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Female French referees: Paul Pogba's referees préférées...

************************************************************************

Shame on you, Bill Bryson, for not mentioning Glenelg's
greatest(?) claim to fame. It is, to the best of my knowledge,
the northernmost palindrome in Great Britain. Whichever
direction you approach it from, it is equally enchanting...

************************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 5)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm morally bankrupt, but I'm hoping to be discharged next month. I bunged
the Official Receiver a tenner...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A spokesman for Vincent Hefter today denied reports of a budding romance
with newly-single Taylor Swift. (Sow the seeds, you never know!)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman describes an amatory approach by Sir Nicholas Soames as "like a
wardrobe falling on you with the key sticking out". She seems to be
confusing a fat man with a tallboy...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the missing ink...

************************************

most footballers get
tattoos - the less brave tend to
ask for a transfer...

************************************













(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Yours for £100, a Nazi loo roll' (news item). Unused, of course. Which
doubtless explains why its previous owner was called a brownshirt...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Helen Baxendale and her husband named their children Nell
Marmalade, Eric Mustard and Vincent Mash, they didn't half make a
meal of it...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

not fit-for-porpoise...

*****************************************

sorry, we've got no
mermaids, could you make do with
some blow-up doll'phins?...

*****************************************













('Surfing the net for doll fins': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can make love, said my wife. But I ignored her. Which is why I didn't
make the finals of The Scrabble World Championships. 7 points for vole
doesn't get you far...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Looks like Ed ball's going to have a whale of a time on Strictly. A beached
one, sadly...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************

If nothing else, taking a staycation means your
money will certainly go further than you do...

*******************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 2)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that police can have tattoos, just how long would PC Bloggs's 'long arm
of the law' have to be to accommodate the lengthy sentence he might wish to
impose upon it? (And doubtless in Sanskrit)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Neighbours' fury as observation deck at Tate art gallery lets visitors peer into
their luxury flats" (news item). Perfect opportunity for a Tate-a-tete, I would
have thought. Maybe that's the problem...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a comedian's material was as flimsy as that of a female professional dancer's
dress on Strictly, he'd be laughed off stage. Without the laughter, of course...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

or a bad odour cologne?...

************************************

What can I wear that
repels mosquitoes, wasps and
ticks? "A smelly watch?"...

************************************











(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A CD of songs specifically for cats? (news item). Not for my 2 year-old
tabby, apparently. It seemed more interested in the paws button...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ten reasons you get earache" were listed in last week's paper. I was
surprised you omitted the number one reason. Have you met the wife?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************************

I'm a cage fighter. I've fought 17 cages to date...

**********************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 1)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
School is a place for children to excel in. Not to be XL in, which seems
increasingly to be the case. Food for thought is good - but not too much of it...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

now's not the time, obviously...

*****************************************

"What's your favourite
Michael Jackson song?" - "Beat It" -
"Hey, I only asked"...

*****************************************














(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christopher Stevens believes today's TV comedy scriptwriters are pretty much
murdering the genre. Murder? That's a bit strong. Man's laughter? Guilt as
charged. They're not that bad...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cannibal spies Trump (in a rather weird dream)

**********************************

"Donald, duck!" Too late.
The hunter's got his shot in -
he'll eat well tonight...

**********************************












('Donald a l'orange': 17 Rather Sillybles)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I always wondered what a pretty successful business model would look like.
Well, I need wonder no longer. It looks like Gisele Bundchen. Pretty, successful,
and a 35-23-35, £23.3m a year model. Seems my having a head for business
will never match her having a body for it...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems there's no such thing as an ex-ecutive at Southern Health NHS Foundation
Trust. You're just moved sideways...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You're barred," said The Rose & Crown's landlord. First it was Tom, then Mick,
Pete, Ian and Steve. Now me. "Trust you to jump on the banned wagon," said
my wife...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

she sure knows how to party...

***************************

if no man is an
island, then Ibiza's one
hell of a woman...

***************************













(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do you never mince your words, Jeremy Paxman? You're often forced to
eat them later, so those such as "peevish valetudinarianism" would be far easier
to swallow. Minced.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Briton is more likely to die by any other means than to be murdered, writes
Bill Bryson. Terrific, but that's more than can be said for the English language,
which is, like, murdered on an almost hourly basis...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I, too, go to bed naked (news item). What's more, checking my diary, I don't
seem to have anything on for the rest of the week, either...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************

Staycations: when it comes to holiday destinations,
what could be better for your nearest and dearest
than going to the nearest and cheapest?...

************************************************************












(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 28)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rather large mark-up on Paul Hollywood's own range of kitchen
gadgets can mean only one thing: the dough in his current account is
almost certainly rising as healthily as it is in his ovens.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's being suggested that it's time to draw a line drawn under the war
on drugs. Well, my only advice is to make sure it's not a white
one - heaven knows how many people will try and snort it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

as disaster movies go, it went...

***************************************

As a film, Airship
Down never matched the success
of Watership Down...

***************************************





(the producers had found it very difficult to get off the ground)






('Like a lead balloon': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lady Antonia Fraser's advice to public speakers is to dress up, speak up and
shut up. And to those who engage the speakers? To cough up, presumably...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bryant & May matchmaking service...

*********************************

if ever a match
was made in heaven, it was
when Swan met Vesta...

*********************************













(17 Syllables)

*********************************************************

When graffiti artists start getting jail sentences,
you know the writing's on the wall...

*********************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 24)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm all for delayed gratification, but who doesn't want a
funeral to die for?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
You surely didn't go all the way on the floor, Mr Corbyn? It's not
what Virgin passengers do...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
How ironic: seen to be wearing "an incorrect form of a dress"
enables someone to be labelled "a stylist"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beware the Big Brother bin police, gran! (news item). As far as
she's concerned, 'recycling' means having to use a bin pedal...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pound(the streets)land...

************************************************

"Dad's a door-to-door
salesman"...What does that mean?..."He
sells odds and sods - off"....

************************************************














(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pizza Hut's got a new special: order an extra-large pizza now and get a half-Eton
Mess a few minutes later...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I get the fact that vegans don't bake with eggs or milk, but are they allowed to
read anything by Lamb or Bacon?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Men WILL do most of the chores - but in 50 years! (news item). A woman of
infinite patience, my wife has already started to draw up a list...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

but they'll still keep an ion them...

********************************

92%
of atoms arrested by
the police aren't charged...

********************************













(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drivers hit by new insurance rip-off. How fast were they going at the time?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Usain Bolt goes clubbing in Rio (news item). How many girls are now
claiming to have pulled a fast one?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can knock insurance companies as much as you like, they won't care.
After all, they hate to get acclaim...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can Greg Rutherford really go straight from Team GB to Strictly Come
Dancing? Bit of a leap, I would have thought...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Since I've gone up in the world, I seem to have lost my street cred. Getting
a fair bit of mews cred now, though...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************************

'Guess who's really pulling Theresa May's strings,' wrote
Dan Hodges last week on page 35. The question didn't go
unanswered for long. Pages 40-41 revealed it to be Gerry
and Sylvia Anderson's puppeteers...

*******************************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 21)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will the new method of ranking offences lead to 'the long arm of the law'
gradually being reduced to a 'Crime Harm Index Finger' being wagged at us?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is Auntie Beeb some sort of strange fetishist? It kept telling me Emily Diamond's
leg was tremendous. What about the rest of her body? Very disconcerting...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can't stand your sober self? Better, surely, than having a non-sober self who can't
stand?..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************************

Taek..."WON!"..."doh!" My heart goes out to Lutalo
Muhammad, losing his taekwondo final in the very
last split-second. Still a champion, in my eyes...

***************************************************************








(Rio, 2016)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
National Lottery customers are indeed Britain's unsung Olympic heroes
(news item). And I've always been one of them. For any number of
reasons. Well, any number but the one I've always needed to complete a
winning line...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Staycations: far and away better than going far and away...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

an adieu to the Olympic Games...

***************************************************************************

What a great all-round athlete my brother is! He won the 100m
three years running, the trampoline championships twice on the
bounce and the lightweight sculls four years in a row.
Didn't quite win the diving, but hey, he made quite a splash...

***************************************************************************












Farewell, Rio...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"June 18, 1815," she said, "Battle of Waterloo". That's the last time I ask an
historian for a date, however attractive I find her. Don't they ever switch off?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't complain if your doctor can't speak English. I'm grateful mine
hardly speaks a word. He'll never be able to pronounce me dead - well, not
so you'd understand him, anyway...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

cordon sacré bleu...

**********************************

when "Boil in Bag" is
the content, not the cooking
method, shop elsewhere!...

**********************************













(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judging by the standards of today's low-rent reality shows, if you
can spell the word 'celebrity', you're probably not qualified to be one...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Growth in beards boosts high street (news item). My wife hates
mine. Guess I'll have to take it on the chin. "Or off it," she suggests...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cindy Crawford's daughter lands cover shoot at 14. A bit early,
surely? Seems to be a case of 'shoot first, ask questions later'...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital staff set to strike...over a TV (news item). "Screens, nurse!"
takes on a whole new meaning...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Someone bet me I couldn't go past an oasis without taking any of
its water. "No problem," I thought. Then I bottled it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************

Victoria Beckham claims it takes her five
minutes to apply her make-up. Really? How
long did it take her to make that up?...

***************************************************












(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 18)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only 12% of Paralympic Games tickets sold? The prices must be crippling...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Nosey from Whitehall, so what if I'm one of the clupper asses
born with a silver spoonerism in my mouth? It's never stopped me being
a wood ghurka...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear BBC, see what happens when you airbrush Tess Daly's face? You
get an airhead...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the new film version of Swallows and Amazons, Titty becomes Tatty.
As a loyal Ransome fan, I shall now have to get my own back by
boycotting the film. Never has the term 'tit for tat' been more appropriate...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that Phil Edmonds' business methods are coming under severe
scrutiny, it's maybe time to see if he's still any good at spin...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

stage school...

******************************

"Never work with kids
or animals," they say. Bad
news for teacher's pet...

******************************













(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I believe in good old-fashioned courtesy. I wish my MP would give up his
seat to a lady. Any lady. But preferably the one standing against him...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom Daley, Jack Laugher and Chris Mears haven't made much of a splash
at the Olympics, presumably. How else to explain their unprecedented
success?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

S(T)ALE!...

*************************************

"BREAD - 50%
OFF!" (No problem, I'll just buy
the other half, then.)

*************************************













(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Olympics can be so frustrating. We're doing well, but how many more
forthcoming events will GB be coming fourth in?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the likes of George Osborne and Tony Blair believe in free speech, why
do they charge so much for one of theirs?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On his train journey from London to Newcastle last week, was a seatless
Jeremy Corbyn practicing taking questions from the floor?
(good practice for when he loses his seat in a certain other place!)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

he'll be playing the clubs next (the ones in his bag?)

*************************************

Mike's impression of
a golf ball was great - he'd got
it down to a tee...

*************************************












(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Victoria Beckham claims it takes her five minutes to do her make-up.
Really? How long did it take her to make that up?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New £3,000 linear shockwave therapy is said to prevent erectile
dysfunction (news item). Isn't that a little stiff?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ian Botham hit 60 this week, apparently. How many of those were in
boundaries?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a drinker's guide to sport...

************************************

if football's a game
of two halves, then cricket's at
least an eight-pinter...

************************************













(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I heard there was now a free bar on some BA flights, I was pretty excited.
Little did I realise it was a chocolate one in lieu of a second meal...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was surprised to hear about Steve Redgrave walking off set after a row with
John Inverdale. I thought he had stopped rowing years ago...
(the men's double numbskulls comes to mind)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

underwater football's sure caught on...

**************************************

20,000 Leagues
Under The Sea? Wow! Are teams
allowed to use subs?...

**************************************







(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alastair Cook says his worst trait is 'picking his nose'. I beg to differ.
Continuously picking inferior opening partners is infinitely more annoying...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alastair Cook says his worst trait is 'picking his nose'. Then why not leave
it to the England selectors? Or doesn't he trust them to pick the right one?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Cambridges never pay for anything in Mustique (news item). So what?
I've never had to pay for anything there, either. No hotel bills, no restaurant
bills, no fishing trips, nothing. Not yet, anyway. Maybe that'll change if I
ever get to go there...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************************

Was that glitter on Mark Carney's face at the Wilderness
Festival last weekend? Or did I detect a little gilt?...

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(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 11)
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No wonder I hate shopping in the British aisles. Some supermarkets are
apparently chillier than the Arctic Circle in places...
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A rhea running loose in Wales? (news item). It wasn't called Dai, by
any chance?...
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What, a housewife need do hardly any work by 2050? (news item).
Seems my wife has decided not to wait that long...
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At last, the perfect solution for people who can't hold their drink: the
claw grip (news item).What a godsend!...
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A woman's work is never done? For sure my wife's isn't. Not a scrap...
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