A drei-liner, as they say in Germany...

**************************

Even the driest

of comedians can be

a bit wet at times...

**************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------

RIVER TINE - have we come to a fork?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 30)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

NESSUN N'DOURMA - the Italian/Senegalese mash-up version...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

hello?...

********************************************

hearing voices in

your head's just fine - hearing them

in your feet, that's weird... 

********************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

GB doubles tennis is in a great place right now: Salisbury.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

So now we're all forced to say 'Sussexit'? It seems 

Meghalomania knows no bounds...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Note to self: never say 'racy decollegetage' when addressing students.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

At least with this new variant, people don't seem to 

be getting omichronically sick...

----------------------------------------------------------------

either way, it's painful...

************************************

is a 'slipped disc' one

that disappears from the Top

40 completely?... 

************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Someone tell Madonna that well-filled stockings at the

end of a bed should contain nuts and oranges, not a 63

-year-old surgically-enhanced woman raging against 

the dying of the light...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

All's well that ends -well. Except for those whose 

names start with Max-, I guess. Sorry Ghislaine...

------------------------------------------------------------

What do I think of Dior using wife-beater Johnny

Depplorable to promote their cologne? I think it 

stinks. Ironic, or what?...

------------------------------------------------------------

The who f*ck's using been the shuffle button on 

my one-liner?...

----------------------------------------------------------

The House of Gucci was shot in Milan. So was

Maurizio Gucci. Sadly, one of them survived...

--------------------------------------------------------

Parting is such sweet sorrow (breaking it to her gently)

********************************

I love you so much, 

I long to see less of you...

because less is more.

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------

How was my Bushtucker Trial? Talk 

about an anus horribilis!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Never mind pigs' brains and goats' testicles, shouldn't

the next Bushtucker Trial involve getting Naughty Boy

to eat his words?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Some of Naughty Boy's words are hard to swallow-

could make for a fun Bushtucker Trial!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

May isn't even the best month of the year, so how come 

she's been voted 'Backbencher of the Year'? Sorry, Theresa.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"No Running Indoors," read the sign in the gym. So the paint

I was using didn't. They'd said they wanted something bright - 

any paint which can read signs is pretty bright, in my book!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drew Marry More? I bloody well hope not!...

***********************************

"I've had three divorces" 

(They'd all run their courses)

"And no-one wants FOUR!"

Sighed Drew MarryMore...

--------------------------------- < --- and this is the line she Drew 

                                                                under them, once and for all...

***************************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------

It was great last summer watching our kids splashing

around in the cross-channel ferry in the back garden.

Who knew it could double as a paddling pool?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

No, hearing voices in your head doesn't necessarily

mean you're crazy. Hearing voices in your FEET?

Yeah, that probably does...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who says variety's the spice of life?...

----------------------------------------------

Do I believe in same-sex marriages? Sure do. Me and the 

Mrs, we've been having the same sex now for bloody years...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom Utley's right. Actors are like the curate's egg: only good

in parts. Especially if the parts have been written for them.

As for their political views - who cares?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Designer salads...

********************************************

'These tomatoes aren't 

quite right,' I thought. "Do you have

them in blue?" I asked...

********************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Pop stars turning heartache into hits is no worse

than writers turning suffering into buy-ographies...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Like Jenni Murray, I'm also on a 5:2 diet. I used to

start at 7:00pm, but now I start at five-to...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Black Friday? Tut-tut. Friday of Colour, surely?...

------------------------------------------------------------

Comparing Boris Johnson to a clapped-out Morris

Minor is off the mark. He's more like an old Ford, 

if you ask me. Gerald Ford - someone who only

lasted three years in office...

------------------------------------------------------------

Even the Royal family is channel-crossing now.

From the BBC to ITV, by all accounts...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Actually, it's not so bad watching all these travel

shows hosted by C-List celebrities. It used to be 

mainly Z-list, so things are definitely looking up!

-----------------------------------------------------------

When your IQ's lower than your voice...

********************************

I'm a man of rare 

intelligence - so rare, I've

yet to show any...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, dear - seems to be a case of Bake Off then Take Off!

Giuseppe Dell'Anno has flown to Mill'Anno! Arrivederci...

and congratulations, Giuseppe...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

If it's true that No Time To Die is heading for a £75m loss,

then maybe it's not such a good idea to invest in Bonds!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Outspoken Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries tends 

to call a SpAd a SpAd. I wonder what they call her?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If four small glasses of wine raise the risk of dementia,

avoid small glasses!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The movie 'House of Gucci' was shot in Italy. Seems

many a critic is sorry it survived...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Here's hoping whoever's selling 'gold' jewellery that's 

only 0.6% pure...is also covered in, er, gilt.😠

----------------------------------------------------------------

Whose shout is it? - Theirs, it turns out...

****************************************

I had a coke, then

asked for Sex on the Beach - but 

they'd run out. Screaming.

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'M HAVING A BAWL! - it's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 23)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Right now, I wouldn't trust the Parole Board to release a 

statement without having to recall it later...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I got life. Not a long sentence, that. Only three words...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Boris Johnson tells you his off-keynote CBI speech, 

'Peppa'd with pig references, was a corker, then he's 

telling porkies. Maybe he confused the CBI with CBeebies?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not sure that's actually legal!...

*************************************

Sown your wild oats with

too much abandon? You could

end up doing porridge!...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Don a mask or doner kebab? "No contest!" says Boris

(but don't tell Carrie)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

If Spotify hadn't removed the shuffle button from

Adele's album, would they have been out of order?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

(Is it out of order to use the shuffle button when listening to albums?)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

'Snowman' axed by BBC following meltdown...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 22)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe Boris is confusing masks with prophylactics? The

soon-to-be father of seven really does seem to be averse

to putting them on...

(Put on your mask for a few minutes, or put off the electorate for keeps)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Family Thais...

*********************************************

"My wife's caucAsian".

"Is that white or mixed-race?" - "Not

sure, to be honest"...

*********************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

'Ugly fruit good, ugli fruit bad': the mantra for shoppers 

with their carbon footprint in mind. (A local misshapen 

apple by any other name would taste as sweet...)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The insider who described Justice Secetary Dominic Raab as 

a 'vindaloo' (compared to the 'creamy korma' as represented

by his predecessor Robert Buckland) was undoubtedly just

trying to, er, curry favour...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The new 'must-have' in your 30s is a veg patch, apparently.

Will a bald patch do? So much easier to cultivate!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Reflections' by Holly Willoughby. Yet another celebrity

self-help book - seems they just can't help themselves. 

Ironic, or what?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Keeping up with the times...

*************************************

My dad used to be 

a wind-up merchant. But now

he's gone digital...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Instead of benefitting from new manager Eddie Howe's

know-how, Newcastle United were obliged to play their

first game under him with, er, no Howe. Damn you, Covid!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Howe to miss first game as Newcastle boss. Catch Covid - that's how!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"The Duchess of Sussex"s recent farcical antics on The

Ellen DeGeneres Show make 1987's infamous 'It's A 

Royal Knockout' debacle seem almost inspirational. Has

she no shame? Er, no - it would appear not. Strip her of

the title. Now!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Saving is easy. By deciding not to buy a new watch and

those trainers I'd craved, I must have saved at least £185!

I hope to save another £80 tomorrow by not buying that 

radio that's caught my eye. At the rate I'm going, I'll soon 

have enough for that new car I don't need!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What the?....

**********************************

"Sir Geoffrey Cox's

job is on the line, Vincent" -

"Tell it I'm not in"...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Anti-Semitic texts? Where better for Azeem Rafiq to 

beg for forgiveness than at his local SINNER gogue?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

So many scandals! Suddenly, saying something "just 

isn't cricket" has become a bit of a compliment...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Odour toilette...

*****************************************

I've just brought out my 

own range of perfumes - and now

I'm rich - stinking rich!...

*****************************************

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Fast food, sloe gin: my Friday nights. Mind you, at 

about 7 weeks per bottle, I prefer my gin VERY sloe!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

LOG-IN CABINS - where cyber hermits live? (Often

referred to as 'the bedroom')

--------------------------------------------------------------

Wasn't too keen on Andrew Pierce before, but I am 

now, looking at his, er, two-pack. A case of 'abs

make the heart grow fonder', it seems...

--------------------------------------------------------------

However fruity their voice?...

**********************************

Ageist film-makers?

They never offer plum roles

to dried-up old prunes...

**********************************

the more lines on the face, the fewer lines in the film.

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Why not call white-ball cricket caucAsian-ball cricket?

Maybe that would help bring an end to the racial divide?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is cereal womanising the inevitable result of sowing one's

wild oats? Or only when it comes to a certain PM and his dad?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Cambridge Dictionary's word of the year for 2021 is

'perseverance'. I'm pleased for it -after so many years of trying!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"633 Squadron or The Dam Busters - which film do you

think's the best?" - "As far as I'm concerned, it's six and 

two threes, to be honest"...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Nine 'Insulate Britain' members asked judges to throw 

the book at them. Seeing as the judges were sitting on 

The Bench, maybe that's the one they should have thrown. 

I've read it. It's rubbish. Sorry, Meghan...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

UNMADE BEDLAM - our kids' sleeping quarters!...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Was that a guess? - "No, I used my loaf"...

**********************************************

What was the best thing

before sliced bread, then? "The knife,

I would imagine"...

**********************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------

50 HADES OF GREY - one hell of a book!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 16)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A life sentence? That's not a long sentence. Not even a

short one. A sentence requires a subject and a predicate.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Might social media be causing youngsters' involuntary

sounds and body jerks? No wonder it's called TicTok!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Batterys' flat? Who do you call: the AA, AAA or AAAA

(Association for the Abolition of the Aberrant Apostrophe)?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Double-page spreads on a study that dairy may actually 

be good for us? The papers are really milking it...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************

"Why on Earth do you

want to be an astronaut?" -

"Why on Venus not?"...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

COP26: not good news on the fossil fuel front - seems

India and China have formed a coal-ition...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Talk to perfect strangers? Hmmm. If they're that perfect,

maybe you should marry them...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'How Bojo wooed ex with vow to boost career' (newspaper

headline). Hmmm. "Arcuriouser and Arcuriouser," to quote Alice...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If music be the food of love, I sure hope it's classical - I've

got a bit of a suite tooth. Especially Bach's Suite No.3 in D...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

One in five public toilets closed in six years? We have to

stop this trend now! No time to loos!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

COP26 CLIMB IT CONFERENCE - methinks it went unclimbed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

GLASTONBERRIES - ah yes - music, the food of love...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOOS CHANGE - what you need if you want to spend a penny.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 29, 2022)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

As he walked her down the aisle of, er, white...

************************************

"Get off the train, dad!

Can't you see it's attached to

the damned bridal gown!"...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

My paper's 'Me And My Money' section featured a woman 

goalie this week. Her parents encouraged her to save at an

early age, apparently, and guess what? She DOES now -

professionally. Especially on Saturdays, haha...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Weakening their fossil fuel pledge from "phasing out" to

"phasing down" just goes to show: a 197-UN member state 

COAL-ition really was too much to ask for. Shame on them. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Nothing gets handed to you on a plate," said my careers

advisor. 'Nonsense,' I thought, 'how else do you serve spaghetti?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I've always been driven," says Fiona Bruce. I wish I could say

the same, but we can't all afford chauffeurs...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Do you want to come to my room?" texted Liz Jones when

arranging to meet a man at her hotel purely for sex. Wrong

preposition, surely? "Do you want to come IN my room?" is

I think what she meant...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

C=2πr, to his friends...

*********************************************

"Sir who, you say?" - "Sir 

Cumference, sir - one of the Knights 

of the Round Table"...

*********************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Looks like Matt Hancock's going to be brought to 

book about his handling of the Covid crisis, after 

all. Only thing is, it's one that HarperCollins are 

probably going to pay him to write himself...

------------------------------------------------------------

I'm pretty sure Claridge's restaurant will continue 

to have a humdinger of a menu - just no longer a

Humm-dinger, it transpires...

------------------------------------------------------------

SHAKESPEARE'S RUBISH - two b's or not two

b's, mum?...

------------------------------------------------------------

How reckless is it to sow your wild oats when 

you know they've been genetically modified?...

-----------------------------------------------------------

What do Shakespeare's Bottom and Danny Boy's

London Derriere have in common? They're both

the, er, constant butt of children's jokes...

(Er, not just children, than you very much)

----------------------------------------------------------

Can't say she's displayed any symptoms, mind...

**************************************

My wife's just tested

positive for compassion.

We were both quite shocked...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

If all good bottles of wine have a chateau on their label, 

why does a Sémillon have a semi on?  

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Jason Knauf: no longer Meghan's aide, perhaps - but

still her aide-mémoire, it turns out...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Will Geoffrey Cox soon be taking the Chiltern Hundreds

- or will it be the Hundreds and Thousands, in his case?

His resignation is sure to come at quite a price...

(Forget 'paid leave', think 'paid TO leave!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Can anyone pull off dungarees in middle age? (asks my

paper). Yes, me! I pull my wife's off on a regular basis -

even after all these years...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

When I pour tea, nothing ever drips onto the tablecloth.

My secret? No tablecloth! (PG tips or scientists' tips?

You decide)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Who needs an expensive bottle of wine with a castle on

its label, anyway? My wine of choice has '42, Railway

Cuttings' on its label. It's 'a very cheap house' wine...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

With Coronation Street, EastEnders, Emmerdale and

Hollyoaks all now preaching to me about the perils of 

climate change, my telly's not a telly any more - it's a 

bleedin' 'SOAP'box!...

 ------------------------------------------------------------------

I didn't get where I am today...

If something's worth doing,

it's worth doing on Saturday -

straight after dinner...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

I see Trump got another spanking in court. Whatever

turns you on, I guess. (Crime never pays - nor does

Trump for his spankings. Saves him a fortune)

------------------------------------------------------------------

I see Meghan has been brought to book - I wonder if

it's the same one she says she had nothing to do with?

------------------------------------------------------------------

TWO STORY BUILDING - incredibly limited library...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 15)

---------------------------------------------------------------

'LEGO'VER DOLLS - interlocking plastic Ken & Barbie

sets for the adult market. 75-piece, £24.99...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Or Great Northern beanies for the Great North run?...

********************************

If a vegan wears

beanies, do jogger vegans

wear runner beanies?...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Could Prince Charles's call for avenues of greenery

to be planted throughout the land be financed by a 

hedge fund? Seems appropriate...

----------------------------------------------------------------

MALA LA LAND - musical based on life of 

inspirational Pakistani icon...

----------------------------------------------------------------

CARIBBEANS ON TOAST - a cannibal's favourite snack?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Geoffrey Cox, please note: MPs should be visible, not risible.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meghan's dad appears to be more like a distant relative 

to her. How distant? The father the better, it seems...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Jesy Nelson accused of 'blackfishing'...

****************************************************

As a 6'2" heterosexual white guy currently

identifying as a gay mixed-race chihuahua,

I have to ask, "what's the big deal about

blackfishing"?...

****************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Long, loud and impossible to ignore": a Biden fart - or

Stephen Merchant in the Outlaws?...Get well soon, Camilla...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

COP26: after being slammed by Obama over global warming,

Trump is sure to fight back when the climate's right. Could be

a long wait!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adam Peaty would have gone to any lengths to win Strictly.

Stick to the pool, Adam - you only have to go one or two!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Geoffrey Cox, QC: not just ANY grandee, 'a few hundred 

thousand grand'ee... Nice work if you can get it!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not what Joan Hunter would have Dunn...

**************************************************************

Ms Sarah Jayne Dunn, Ms Sarah Jayne Dunn,

Furnish'd and burnish'd by Hollyoaks sun,

You've made your decision, which I have to accept

(Though on hearing the tidings, I wept and I wept)

**************************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ridley Scott's new movie, House of Gucci, was shot in Italy.

So was Maurizio Gucci. Talk about authenticity...

(Spoiler alert: only the movie survived)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

TYPHOO-N - a storm in a teacup...

----------------------------------------------------------

THE WAR OF THE ROSÉS - some people take

wine-tasting a little TOO seriously!...

------------------------------------------------------------

Do Botox-addicted actresses find it easier raising 

a child than raising an eyebrow?...

------------------------------------------------------------

<--------------- Tony Blair, 6' 0" --------------->

******************************************

No, Tony Blair wasn't the longest 

serving PM. I know for a fact David 

Cameron was one inch longer...

******************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking at the horrendous smog over Beijing, isn't it

about time world leaders held some, ahem, clear-the-air

talks with COP26 non-attendee Xi Jinping? Couldn't

come quickly enough, by the look of it...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A Czech running the National Lottery? The only time I

want to hear the words 'Czech' and 'National Lottery'

together is when it's a large one made out in my name!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Shaun the Sheep? Or Shorn of any Opposition? Not sure

which of them is more woolly-headed, to be honest: our

ovine friend or Boris Johnson. Though recent events lead 

me to believe it may well be the latter...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Michael Vaughan's dropped by the Beeb - but sadly, this

time, he doesn't go on to make a century...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

You don't have to be a bowler to be hit for six - just ask 

Michael Vaughan...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Shock horror! Britain's facing a fake tan shortage this 

winter. No word of a lie, my wife's really browned off...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Amanda Platell calls Countdown 'mind-numbingly dull'.

There's a 9-letter word for people like Ms Platell, but I 

prefer the 4-letter ones...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom Brown's Schooldays consist of...

*********************************

Maths, English, Latin,

P.E., Geography, Physics...

the rest is History...

*********************************

(17 Sillyble syllabus)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Wallpapergate: it looks like Boris might well be torn

off a strip. Again! Tear off any more, and there won't

be any left!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The fear of change is called 'metathesiophobia'. It's 

something I've always suffered from - which is why 

I never carry any in my pocket...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

There's a new pill to treat Covid! It's called 

molnupiravir. Really rolls off the tongue - and probably 

onto the floor, which doesn't help much...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A new TV channel for dogs? I'd better show my 

chihuahua where the paws button is!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did the Tories stand well back when they let off Owen

Paterson? (Maybe they're confusing that with 'giving him 

a rocket'?). Bit early for November 5th, I'd have thought...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's in store for us this Christmas, courtesy of John Lewis,

M&S and Boots? Ad after ad after ad infinitum, by the look of it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No matter how green MY bank becomes, I'm pretty sure I'll still

find myself in the same shade of red!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TERROR FIRMA - climate change has never seemed more scary!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Waterford Crystal, shot by a pystal...

*************************************************

The shot...the bullet in...the bullet out

...the bulletin: 'shot glass doing well'.

"Hey, I never said it was a shot glass!"...

*************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Music-lover Lewis Hamilton has just released an album! I 

only like a couple of tracks, to be honest, Brands Hatch 

and Silverstone. The others are a bit on the slow side...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 5)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

(My favourite London borough: Atten..).  A shame Sir David

Attenborough wasn't beside himself with Joy when seated 

next to a mask-less Boris in Glasgow - because he and Joy 

would almost certainly have been wearing masks. Unlike 

our rather inconsiderate PM...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The thought of November 5th coming up must have confused

the Tories: they weren't sure whether to stand well back and

let Owen Paterson off, or give him a rocket!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My girlfriend thinks I'm the cream of the cream: both single AND thick!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the interests of Ballance, there are two sides to

every story. Give the man a chance...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Court Circular...

**************************************************

KNIGHTSOF THE ROUND TABLE MEETING.

Those attending:...

Sir Cuitous,

Sir Cumference,

Sir Cularize,

Sir Cumnavigate,

Sir Cumvolution,

Sir Cular...

"BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!" came the cry

**************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------

'Stick to flats for beautiful feet,' advises my paper, No

wonder I've got bunions - I live in a semi!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Poor old Owen Paterson. Better to be suspended from

parliament than from a tree, like his wife, RIP...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

COP26 delegates vow to do NOTHING to conserve energy. 

And, to give them their due, you can't do more than that 

- just think of all the energy that saves!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

With Emery on board for Newcastle, would survival

be, er, nailed on?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

THE COP END - where Anfield accommodates climate-

change delegates...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 9)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEFORESTATION - giving the Brazilian rainforest a Brazilian.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ho-ho-hosiery sale...

15 denier tights.............................99p,

30 denier tights.............................99p,

50 denier tights.............................99p,

Climate change denier tights.............£999,

Vaccine denier tights.......................£999.

----------------------------------------

Sorry, but that's the price you

pay for being such utter twats...

----------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you mean, Jerry Hall wouldn't recognize a 

good antique if it hit her in the face? She only went 

and married one! Not only has it kept its value, I'm 

pretty sure it's never hit her in the face, either!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 10)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The higher the heel, the better your love life? Sorry, but 

MY lovers seem to prefer flats. Ground-floor flats,

preferably, so they can make a quick getaway...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

RHEA GUNNERS - flightless birds who flew in WW2...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did the pugilists do when they hit the bottle? "Boxed wine"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We're having tiramisu tonight. If it really is Viagra 

in a pudding, let's hope I get my just desserts!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

New Zealand has awarded its bird of the year title to a bat.

Madness! It should have gone to their PM, Jacinda Ardern!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Skid Row: another one bites the dust...

                      ♰

Alive before hitting the bottle,

Dead before hitting the ground...

Gone in a matter of seconds,

A drunk who's no longer around...

                      ♰

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Can you carry a tune?" - "Yes, of course I can" -

"Then do you mind carrying this one to the tip - it's

The Birdy Song, and I can't stand it!"...

------------------------------------------------------------------

My doctor, the philosopher: 'tis better to walk a mile 

than to run a temperature,' he declares. 'Especially at 

your age,' he adds. Rather unnecessarily, I thought...

------------------------------------------------------------------

2-inch heels can give your love life a lift, apparently 

(news item). Sorry, but I prefer to make love in flats.

Ground-floor flats - then you don't need a lift!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The COP26 summit is there to be climbed - so climate!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'M HAVING A BAWL! - it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Queen was right: if Boris is a hell of a statesman, 

then the country's in a hell of a state!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

What are the odds?...

******************************

When a bookmaker

passes away, does he go

to a bettor place?...

******************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 11, 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Christmas dinner in a tin? No way! To recall a famous 

crossword clue, Christmas dinner round ours will always be

a 'no can do'!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOVE ME 10-10-10-10-DER - Rose Ayling-Ellis tops Strictly 

leaderboard dancing to Presley classic...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Strictly's leaked voting figures are to be believed, are

viewers of the opinion that the hype surrounding Kai 

Widdrington's dance partner is much Odudu about nothing?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

With Ms Thunberg in attendance, the COP26 summit 

tended to be more like a 'meet and Greta' at times...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm with Craig Brown - Joan Collins's 'My Unapologetic 

Diaries' might just as well be called 'My Unapologetic 

Dairies', seeing as all she seems to be doing is milking her 

fame for all it's worth.

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, November 7)

----------------------------------------------------------------------