Distant relatives (well, three miles - not THAT distant)

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"Mum rang. She says she's

freezing" - "I told you not to 

speak to cold callers!"...

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(17 Syllables)

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ESSO-S - "help, I've run out of petrol!" ...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 7)

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Fergie describes herself as a bruised reed that won't

break. No wonder she's unpopular - no-one likes a grass.

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"Resigning could be good for your health," says Harry. So

I've resigned myself to the fact he's never going to stop

pontificating - hopefully that'll be good for mine...

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When I read that my bodyweight is totally unrelated to what

I actually eat, the scales fell from my eyes. So I picked them

up and threw them away. 'What's the point?' I thought...

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FRANK INCENSED - "not socks again!" he yelled

as he opened his present...

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SANTACLAUSTROPHOBIA - fear of narrow chimneys...

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"Give it a shake, maybe it's world peace. You said that's

what you wanted for Christmas"...

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