Brick Lane Café...

************************************************

Estate agents' set

meal: COTTAGE pie, HOUSE wine, FLAT

white: this week only!...

************************************************

(1 main course, 2 damp courses!)

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'When Meghan said she hated the f*cking royal family with

a passion,' explained her spokesman, 'what she really meant 

was that she much preferred tea to coffee in the morning,

except on Sundays'. Easy mistake to make...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The difference between a royalist and a republican is the

difference between 'God save the Queen' and 'God save

the ***king (expletive deleted)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caffeine <-----------------------------------------------> Coffin

The more tea you drink, the less likely you are to die! It's 'official'!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tea cuts early death risk (News item). Does that mean if I

down a swift cuppa before each of my three bottles of

whisky each week, I'll be OK?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Radio 4 schedule... ---------------------- At 11:00am today, we go over to Boris Johnson who will give a

talk highlighting his achievements in office. At 11:01am today, Lauren Laverne presents Desert Island Discs... (I just hope my nearest 'warm bank' has a radio, I wouldn't

want to miss a word) --------------------------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************************

Boris Johnson officio alicuius linguae

non aptus est. Dilectus etiam Latinus...

-----------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson is unfit for office in anyone's

language. Even his beloved Latin...

*****************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Simplicity is the answer to most things. Especially contentedness.

Yet our lives are becoming increasingly complicated. How big a catastrophe will it take before the Western world sees the light? Asking on behalf of the elders of a rapidly disappearing indigenous tribe.

(The further removed from nature we are, the more screwed up we become.

It's pretty simple, really. But you wouldn't think so, the way we lead our lives)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Never Kissed a Tory' T-shirts? If you ever see Liz Truss out and about you

could always try giving her a French one... #EntenteCordiale

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lewis Hamilton, fashion1sta. Oh well, at least he's still No 1 in the fashion stakes.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aston Villa lose yet again, and the townsfolk of Gerrards Cross seem to know

exactly how the manager's feeling...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***********************************************

"I love you so much, darling, I would

never disagree with anything you said."

"I'm sure you would, dear."

"No, I wouldn't."

"Yes, you would."

"No, I wouldn't"...

***********************************************

------------------------------------------------------------

TITFER TAT - selection of hats in a charity shop...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do the BBC and pistachio, pecan, cashew, almond and 

macadamia have in common? They're all nuts. #WokeMadness

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Macron 'est un tres bon buddy de notre pays', says Boris. Talk about 

extending the hand of Frenchship...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shakespeare and Taylor Swift on the same course? No so much 'chalk

and cheese', more 'literature and litterature'?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course a jacket potato's not posh. Well, not unless the jacket's a Gucci.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The country is in crisis. No part of society seems to be running 

smoothly, and here we are, facing a choice between Starmer, Sunak 

or Truss.... 

Thank God for whiskey. With or without the fucking 'e'.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, sadly, to be found in the Daily Mail's historic special edition to commemorate the death of Queen Elizabeth II...

************************************

Curiosity

killed the cat. So perhaps it's

best not to ask how...

************************************

(All these musings were written well in advance

of the Queen's passing)

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cut back on your energy use, suggests Nadhim Zahari.

Stupid a*sehole. No wonder no-one from the government's

doing the rounds of the studios. They're all f*cking idiots.

#NoExpletivesDeleted #EnergyCrisis

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

This government makes my bloody blood boil! Saves on the 

heating, I guess... #CostOfLivingCrisis

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

                           KING CHARLES III   

               ----- A MOMENT OF HISTORY -----

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Liz we (don't) Truss...

*********************************

Allergic to nuts,

you say? I take it you won't

be voting for Truss...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Of course Arsenal bloody won. Who wouldn't, with 

Jesus and the Angel Gabriel on their side?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Generalisations never work - and that, my friends, is 

the exception that proves the rule...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 20)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Yippee! If I get into trouble now, I won't get into hot

water. There isn't any! Mum says she's had to switch 

the boiler off... #CostOfLivingCrisis

--------------------------------------------------------------------

So the Sussexes have got a new dog called Mamma Mia. 

No need to make a song and dance about it...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Walk 10 minutes to live longer (Mail). Yippee! I did that

once - 2015, I think it was. How much longer will I live?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes you come across an act of such monumental

stupidity, you wonder whether there shouldn't be some

sort of basic intelligence test for anyone about to enter 

a polling station to mark their cross...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Is there any reason to be positive about this country 

right now? I'm open to suggestions...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson, our failed Prime Minister, is awarded 

Ukraine's highest honour, 'The Order of Liberty'. 

What for? For being a tinpot crackpot? You couldn't 

make it up. Sorry, Volodymyr, but self-aggrandisement 

was the whole point of his visit...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Carry On, Nurse...

*******************************************

Hysterectomies

on the telly? "SCREENS, NURSE! -

42-inch, please"...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

ARAB'LE LAND - often found in the Middle East...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The difference between a blackleg and his colleagues is

striking... (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 26)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Seeing as it's so expensive now, I can't even afford the

energy...to complain about it. #EnergyCrisis

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The first episode of Meghan Markle's podcast series may

not be a cracker exactly, nut it's certainly like what you'll

find inside the cracker: a bit of a joke...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sure she's trying her best, but at only 5ft 3 inches, is it

any wonder that Priti Patel is in over her head?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lot of light in the home makes us feel happier, apparently

(another bloody survey). Hence the wedding vows to my

wife of 'love, honour and a bay window'...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 20 questions a man should ask on a first date. No 1: do

you buy the Daily Mail? If the answer's 'yes', then you've

saved yourself having to ask another 19 questions. (I'm

biting the hand that doesn't feed me, here)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Liz Truss has no idea how to cope with the dire situation we 

all now find ourselves in. (Nor do I, by the way.) But I 

recognise gravitas and expertise when I see it, and I don't see 

it in Ms Truss. An utter lightweight. If now is not the time for 

a Government of national unity - in consultation with all the 

leading lights of business and industry - then when is? To limit 

ourselves to the brainpower of a handful of less than impressive 

individuals from one side of the House is to fight the current 

crises with one hand tied behind our collective backs...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ask customers to buy produce of a different size and shape

than they're used to? Imagine if prospective husbands were

expected to do the same when choosing their partners?

Doesn't bear thinking about!... #Lidl

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thirty-five per cent of pupils didn't manage to get a grade 4 

or above in their GCSE maths, apparently. How depressing 

is that? That's nearly a third of them...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

DREI dry offerings...

****************************************

How long's the Queen been

reigning now? And they still want

to call this a drought?...

****************************************

-----------------------------------------------------------

How the last drought ended: months and months 

of dry terrain - and then it began terrain!

-----------------------------------------------------------

****************************************

How the drought ended:

months of dry terrain - and then

it began terrain... (17 Syllables)

****************************************

The NHS...

********************************

Rishi Sunak wants

to tackle Mr Pointments.

"Who's Mr Pointments?"...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

SCENTS OF HUMOUR - is that why some people smell funny?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fourth-tier Crawley? That's no way to speak about one of

England's current openers... #Football #Cricket

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suddenly he's Erik ten out of ten Hag?... #ManchesterUnited

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reporting someone with dementia for driving is one thing -

reporting a partner for driving you up the wall, that's 

quite another...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sex twice a week is like magic medicine, apparently...

I wonder if that still applies if you do it three times weakly?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Addicted to drugs for 20 years, Shaun (Bicycle) Ryder says

pedalling from 8am till 11pm helped him get clean. Peddlers,

on the other hand, work round the clock. That's the problem.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

What does a six-year-old skydiver wear? A little jumper?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

We've just bought another dog, and it's always so angry. 

Must be one of these (very, very) cross breeds...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only a lunatic would object to calling the man of the match

in a game between between two male teams 'the "man" of

the match'. There are obviously a lot of lunatics about...

(Sorry, probably shouldn't use the words 'lunatic, 'male' or

'man'. Are the words 'obviously' and 'between' still OK?)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bravo, Emily Maitlis, for pointing out what SHOULD BE the

bleedin' obvious, but obviously ISN'T to many. Bloody

refreshing to hear the unvarnished truth. Mind you, she'll

probably be the female equivalent of 'Johnny No Mates'

right now: Emily Mateless. Certainly as far as the Tories

are concerned...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MPs being interviewed. MAKE IT STOP!

*******************************

The cunning wiles

Of shameless chancers:

Rictus smiles

And tricked us answers...

*******************************

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sewage problem: if certain beaches aren't safe to swim 

in because of all the scum around, how safe is it to work in 

Westminster? Asking on behalf of Angela Rayner... #ToryScum

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

We've just bought another dog, and it's always angry. Must

be one of these new (very, very) cross breeds...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

#IceCream...

***********************************

A recession is 

a time when treat becomes

a necessity...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Sara Cox would make a lousy journalist. In 'My Life In Food' last 

week she revealed her sauces. Turns out her favourite one's custard.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So Richard Osman is being replaced on Pointless by Alex Brooker? 

I'm sure he'll be reassured to know the show's been left in good hands. 

Albeit somewhat unusual ones...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prince Charles champions local pubs in Camra's Good Beer Guide. 

I hope he championed the guide itself: it's a GREAT PUBlication!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sad to see so many cats being abandoned because their owners are 

having kittens. The cost-of-living crisis has a lot to answer for...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Don't bring babies to adult shows, pleaded Matt Forde last week. 

'FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" he might have added...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Believing in free speech is one thing, believing in free 

speeches quite another. Not so, Boris? Heaven only 

knows what he'll be charging once he's left office...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not sure which is worse right now: to be Boris Becker, or to be a 

Boris-backer. Tough either way...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Great news! Ever the businesswoman, Victoria Beckham 

is now designing plus-size clothing to coordinate with her 

label's plus-size losses...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So Geordies are the least likely to stand their corner in a pub? 

Anthony Joshua is obviously not a Geordie. He certainly got a 

few rounds in against Usyk - but not enough to win, sadly...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ryan Giggs, Love Poet (1973 -)

***********************************

"Knowing you believe in me*,

It makes me so hard"...

(He played for United,

So he's hardly the Bard)

***********************************

*(I'm not making this up)

How the mighty have fallen...

------------------------------------------

CRIME SEEN - it was on the telly!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

ENG v S.AFRICA: when talent is lacking, you get a shellacking.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

We hero-worship moronic footballers ("ouch, ref, he hurt me"), but a

supremely talented athlete like Joe Fraser wins an historic European

all-around gymnastic gold medal and goes almost unheralded. I wish

things were different, that's all I'm saying.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Weird watching the European Diving Championships: I applaud the first dive madly. "Rubbish dive," I'm informed. Then the next one - identical dive. "Rubbish!" I shout, knowingly. Turns out it was brilliant, apparently. I reckon quantum physics is less complicated...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Synchronised diving: diving in sync? I think I used to do that as a

child. Or am I getting confused with p*ssing in sink?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************

Yes, the best things in

life are free. But the next best

are ten quid a pack...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

"She always cries when I get her another tattoo," says

Brooklyn Beckham of his wife Nicola. I'm not surprised.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Sadiq Khan defence: when challenged by the police, a

suspected 'fence' says of course the goods he's handling are 

'hot' - what wouldn't be in this heatwave!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The announcement of Amol Rajan as Jeremy Paxman's 

replacement on University Challenge is further proof of 

just how fast Britain's standards are declining. (I thought for

a while it might have been Lauren Goodger, whoever she is.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************

Boxed wine? I did go

to the shops once to buy some -

but I bottled it...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Hiding your wine bottles in a laundry basket, Fred?

"YOU CANNOT BE SIRIEIX!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

For CRYING OUT LOUD! Don't bring your babies

to an adult comedy show...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Did Finnish PM and 'good-time girl' Sanna Marin's

parents never send her to Finnish-ing school?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Pulling you was my greatest ever coo," writes Ryan

Giggs. Talk about putting the 'dove' into lovey-dovey!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Hide your wine bottle in the laundry basket, and it's

sure to come out in the wash... (Re: M&S advert)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

When we're told that so many of Putin's commanders

are 'fired with enthusiasm', what's really meant is that

Putin shouts "you're fired!" at them. Enthusiastically...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Benjamin Mendy, rapist...

*****************************************

Football is a man's

game, says Souness. And men will

be Men'dy, eh, Graeme?...

***************************************** 

The Beautiful Game, my arse...

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

With so many British rivers and beaches polluted by sewage,

it's small wonder that 'fat cat' water firm bosses are now being

called the effluent rich. Shame on them...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Putin says "fire one!" his minions are probably 

confused as to whether he means yet another of his top

commanders or a missile of some description...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Rhubarb crumble, apple crumble, England crumble. 

Oh, dear. England fans seem to be getting their unjust 

desserts yet again. England v S. Africa

-------------------------------------------------------------------

There's always a but...

******************************

Liverpool v C.

Palace: Darwin Nunez is

a good player, butt...

******************************

('SENT OFF! Guess why': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Bonkers bankers pay Theresa May £308 a minute to chat.

Don't they realise they could save a fortune by replacing

expensive talkers with free thinkers?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

With the RAF holding back on recruiting white men, and

with not a single white man on the short list to take over

from Jeremy Paxman on University Challenge, I can't help

feeling the Monty Python team are writing our country's

script. On white paper! Very naughty boys...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

How short-sighted we are. As climate change rages all around us, we're 

still trying to make life as hard as possible for cyclists, with talk of the 

need for registration numbers, bike insurance and even more restrictions. 

In truth, it's the motor vehicle we should be discouraging - urgently and 

in no uncertain terms. How lazy we have become. Cycling should be 

encouraged in spades. Not only is it by far the cleanest form of transport 

environmentally, it's the healthiest - and cheapest! - too. I'd even give away 

cycles free, and impose ever more restrictions on the motorist. (At the same 

time greatly improving public transport.) The exact opposite of what seems 

to be the case. It won't happen, of course, we're far too mollycoddled and set 

in our ways. But for a healthier, cleaner, quieter and more relaxing quality of 

life, bikes really are the future. There's none so blind as those who will not 

see. Don't just take my word for it, take the planet's. Before it's too late.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 19)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

End of an era...

*************************************

The Beeb drops football

results! Damn! But at least we

all now know the score...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry & Meghan may be heading our way next month,

but are said to have no plans to see Wills & Meghan or

the error of their ways...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Is there ANY sort of weather which doesn't merit a Met

Office warning these days? Are overcast skies still safe

to walk around under?...

(Harry & Meghan are due to visit the UK next month -

will they be issuing a warning for that, too?)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

********************************

When it comes to licorice

I'm just a bit vicarish:

I avoid it. Religiously.

********************************

-------------------------------------------

Lawn 'n' order officers love a grass!

-------------------------------------------

Alan Shearer, speaking on Radio 5 Live...

*****************************

Did I want to work

on my birthday, or did I 

want to have it off?...

*****************************

An ad-libbed humorous haiku, as I live and 

breathe! Deliberate or not, I'll never know.

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

So the BBC has decided to drop the classified football

results? Oh well, at least we now know the score...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Who are you calling a stupid Conte?" screams the 

Spurs manager. No wonder Tuchel's touchy...

-------------------------------------------------------------

 *********************************

   ........JANUARY

             FEBRUARY

             MARCH

             APRIL

Drought MAY last months...

             JUNE

             JULY

             AUGUST?

             SEPTEMBER?

             OCTOBER?

             NOVEMBER?

             DECEMBER..........

**********************************

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sir Alex Ferguson is still the Man U Knighted, your Majesty -

but I'm afraid the current team is a bit of a joke...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brentford took Man United to the cleaners on Saturday. 

Probably to save them the embarrassment of having to 

wash their dirty laundry in public after the match...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gal Gadot in: Van Der Woman meets Van Der Valk! The actors

can speak in English, but the plot's double Dutch, all right!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you have to speak in 17 syllables, darling?...

**********************************

"Mum, I bet Dina

Asher-Smith's mascara runs

faster than yours does!"... 

**********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 14: 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So severe is the current drought situation, we can't even

say we're entering uncharted waters - because they, too, 

have all dried up...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

water shortages...

**************************************

you wouldn't believe

how much water you save just

by diluting it...

**************************************

(The dilution solution: 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lying on your right 'helps pain relief pills work quicker' (John

Hopkins University). 

Lying whilst in office will cost you your job (British electorate). 

#ByeByeBoris

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eddie Izzard loves running so much, she now wants to run...and

run and run...for MP. Every day for 50 days, probably...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'America has become a banana republic,' says man who's bananas. 

Donald J Trump pleads the Fifth...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pity the ham-fisted vegan...

----------------------------------

I win!...

**********************************

I LOVE compromise -

but my wife hates it. So we

tend to meet halfway...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

There are three certainties in life: death, taxes, and the

fact that not one of the current Tory leadership debates

will leave the country even the slightest bit uplifted...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Not only are Lionesses Bluetooth-connected vibrators,

they can even play football, apparently. That's one way

of getting your kicks, I guess. Or do I mean two?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Even heterosexual cowboys love chaps...

--------------------------------------------------

 MOBILITY SCOOTERS ARE GOING

                   

            VERY, VERY FAST!

                   SALE NOW ON

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ironic, or what? The BBC's axing of the classified football

results has led to SCORES and SCORES and SCORES of

complaints. Typical of recent BBC decisions. They seem to

have lost the plot. Very sad...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

What a shower! You'd think we'd welcome it, in this driest of dry

summers. But no, I'm talking about that hopeless bunch of incompetents

who continue to put off till tomorrow what should have been done

yesterday as our cost of living crisis bites ever deeper. Tory 'wets', indeed.

Could things get any worse? Sadly, thanks to them, the answer has to be

'yes, and then some'...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, there ARE some honest MPs. MPs with integrity, conviction and

compassion. But those qualities are inevitably discarded by those who

wish to climb the greasy pole. And just look who we're left with...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The difference between France and Britain? In France, gas and

electricity PRICES have been frozen. In Britain, unless the

Government gets its act together, its the CUSTOMERS who are

GOING TO BE. Act now!

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 16)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ellie Simmonds to dance on Strictly...

**********************************

If Ellie was on

Strictly's short list, is Peter

Crouch on their long list?...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

WEAK DAYS - days you're too sick to go to work...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 9)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

IBS - Irritable Bowel Syndrome, IDS - Irritable Duncan

Syndrome: only one of them's a pain in the backside, but

they're both bloody hard to get rid of...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Jeremy Clarkson's so popular, I'm told his new restaurant

won't  be needing plates - he'll have all the diners eating 

out of his hand...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

So 'Dick' Turpin's name is too embarrassing for some? (news

item). Reminds me of my neighbour John Longbottom. He

couldn't stand his name, either - so he got it changed. He's 

now Peter Longbottom...

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince Edward & Ozzy Osbourne - TOGETHER AT LAST!

I can die happy... #CommonwealthGamesClosingCeremony

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 11)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A+

**************************************

Erling Haaland scores

twice on his league debut. Not

baad. Not baad at all...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank God for boxed wines! If my wife ever asks me if

I've been hitting the bottle, I can now answer 'no' with a

clear conscience...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A kangaroo court does what it says on the tin: it makes

people hopping mad...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Drink boxed wine," says Helena Nicklin. I'd rather go

to Helena handcart...

------------------------------------------------------------------

I wanted to open the 1959 Dom Perignon, but I didn't

have the bottle...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************

If a sprinter can run a temperature in

2 minutes and 53 seconds, how long

would it take a hammer thrower?...

**********************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------

The Lionesses are such great athletes, I reckon even

their mascara can run faster than anyone else's!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Ellie Simmonds is doing Strictly. I wonder if

anyone else is on their short list? #Dwarfism

---------------------------------------------------------

Empty promises: MPs shouldn't be called MPs.

Far better to call them MTs. On account of all 

their MT promises...

--------------------------------------------------------

Driest July in almost 200 years...

********************************

Damned water shortage!

Heaven only knows when I 

last had a wet dream...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lava...

*********************************

If your wife's tummy

erupted, would you still be

keen to Mount Etna?...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Liz Truss urges 'irresponsible' China to de-escalate.

(Or she'll huff and she'll puff and she'll blow their

house down?) We can all rest easy in our beds...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

#Gilbert&RoseWestStand. Southend United naming a

grandstand after a serial killer is one thing, Warwickshire

CCC having one of their bowlers running in from the

Ian Bell End would be quite another...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I've decided to put £5,000 on Rishi Sunak at 15/2 to win

the race to be our next PM. Let's just call it my Truss fund

- in gratitude to a gallant loser...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

the fashion guru...

***************************************

if you want a dress

to suit you down to the ground,

make sure it's floor-length!...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Over the years, Peterborough and the Letters page have published 100's 

of my little bits of nonsense. For which, many thanks. And I shall continue 

to submit the odd offering, irrespective of whether it gets used.

But I cannot be a hypocrite.

Your editorial today in praise of Boris Johnson was, quite simply, nuts. 

Beyond parity. And I need to say my piece if I want to continue submitting 

stuff. Honesty, above all else. A quality you and Johnson seem not to value.

I am indeed a Daily Mail purchaser, but to categorise me as 'a Daily Mail 

reader' right now seems more like an insult.

I have my reasons for continuing to purchase your paper, as I have my reasons 

for continuing to submit stuff. And writing these words will enable me to do so 

with a clear conscience.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*************************************

Yes, doing nothing is

quite exciting - if you're doing

it in Paraguay...

*************************************

Doing nothing can be quite exciting - if

you find yourself doing it in Paraguay...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 30)

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

How good an athlete do you have to be to win an 800m

race by miles?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------