Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine approved...

*******************************************

The end is in sight!

Thank the Lord! (I had thought, for 

a while, it was NIGH...)

*******************************************

THE END IS NIGH IN SIGHT!

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

Is a brouhaha a kerfuffle by any other name?...

----------------------------------------------------------

Pax vobiscum - and pax a punch!...

***********************************

"How on earth does a

pacifist fight, daddy?" - "With

his paci-fists, son"...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I reckon Covid-19 should be recognised in the New

Year's honours list - for services to OBEsity! Comfort

food will be the death of me...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

That's quite a figure Michelle Keegan's got. No wonder

her husband's smitten - a case of 'abs make the heart

grow fonder'?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Makers Hasbro have just unveiled their 'Longest Game 

Ever' edition of Monopoly. Oh, dear. I dread my wife 

and I being forced to play it next Christmas - I can just 

see it now: one stiff board, two bored stiff!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Another bloody survey...

------------------------------

Not only does wearing more formal attire at the table

make you eat more healthily, smartening up your food 

helps, too: the potatoes should always be in their 

jackets, and who doesn't like a well-dressed salad?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

fishing in (pork chop)py waters...

******************************************

If a trawlerman

brings home the bacon, you know

there weren't any fish...

******************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 20, 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

A stiff upper lip and gritted teeth, that's what's

needed - though rumour has it the Covid cash

crisis may leave half our roads and quite a few

teeth ungritted. Bugger! But nothing that can't 

be overcome, I say...

----------------------------------------------------------

People who sigh a lot get less depressed, 

apparently. I always knew it: sighs matter!...

----------------------------------------------------------

Will bookshops now do away with gift vouchers 

for fear it might be seen as 'book token'ism?...

----------------------------------------------------------

Looks like getting vaccinated in the village hall

is going to be the 2021 equivalent of popping

down to the Jabcentre...

----------------------------------------------------------

Our Father which ART in heaven (3)...

-------------------------------------------------------

As an abstract artist, I draw the line when

it comes to nudity - followed by the square,

the oval, and a couple of circles...

-------------------------------------------------------

Pencil, pensilly...

---------------------

I'm a minimalist artist, but I draw the line at

nudity. Just the one, naturally...

-------------------------------------------------------

"If an abstract artist draws the line at nudity,

would he be able to sell it?" - "Depends how 

well he draws it, I suppose"...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Farage...

-----------

Sir Nigel of Brexit? I'm already having knightmares!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I've told you over...and Dover...and Dover again!...

********************************

There is no jam in 

a yule log, so stop talking

of a yule logjam!...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------

"Call that 'turkey and all the trimmings'?"

I'm such a bad cook these days, my 

signature dishes are almost illegible...

----------------------------------------------------------

SIRCULAR TABLE - Round Table of the Knights...

----------------------------------------------------------

One thing's for sure: Boris's '2,000 pages of glad 

tidings of joy' is undoubtedly a great deal - of 

paper, if nothing else!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 29)

------------------------------------------------------------

Floods AND tiers! Not surprising some of us are in 

floods of tiers. 2021 can't come quick enough!...

------------------------------------------------------------

We stuffed the turkey - and then ourselves!...

**********************************

GYM'LL FIX IT - don't

worry if you ate and drank

too much this Christmas!...

**********************************

(too soon?)

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

How embarrassing is it when two people give 

you an identical present? My gran gave me a cheque 

for £50, and so did my uncle. I had to tell him I had 

one already, but he was great about it and said I 

could change it if I wanted to - so he gave me one 

for £40 instead...

----------------------------------------------------------------

My dad was a very practical man. When he won

an England cap, it went straight to his head...

----------------------------------------------------------

50% of Americans now see Trump as a failed

Preisdent. The other 50% spelled it correctly...

----------------------------------------------------------

Christmas Day...

********************************

Does 'a genius

born in a stable' Trump 'a

stable genius'?...

********************************

(A 17-Syllable no-brainer)

-------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a nepotistic Presidential pardon?

A grandpardon? Isn't that what Charles Kushner

is to his grandkids?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

***********************************************

"Why to Mary?"..."Why in a stable?"

..."Why now?" - 'The Three Why's?

Men' were indeed very, very curious...

*********************************************** 

------------------------------------------------------

Methinks Boris is piloting our Ship of State

from the nincompoop deck...

------------------------------------------------------

Why do trawlermen go to sea to bring home 

the bacon when there's a perfectly good 

butcher's just round the corner?...

------------------------------------------------------

J-Lo's super flares...

----------------------------------------------------------

£2,550 for a pair of denim jeans? That's £1,275

a leg! More than our football club trousered for

a two-legged cup tie!...

----------------------------------------------------------

Over - and over - and over again...

********************************************************

"I'm off to Southampton Airport to take 

my Cessna up for a quick spin" - "Where 

are you flying?" - "Over Andover and 

over again. Round trip, shouldn't take long"...

********************************************************

---------------------------------

With the country in a fix...

---------------------------------

It's not Boris's 

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS 

we want to hear about - it's his 

NEW YEAR SOLUTIONS...

------------------------------------------------------

Brexit? Don't get your hopes up - that light 

at the end of the tunnel's no more than the 

Customs & Excise office working overtime...

------------------------------------------------------

I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue...

**************************************

"Know any other

towns near Andover, darling?" -

"Havant a clue, luv"...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Home alone at Christmas...

---------------------------------

How can my family's PRESENTS possibly make up 

for their ABSENCE?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 23)

"Feliz Navidaddy" - "And the same to you, son"...

---------------------------------------------------------------

We won't let Brexit spoil our Christmas this year

- we'll still be having turkey with all the trimmings. 

Though we might pass on the Brussels...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Sam Allardyce? 'The man for a jam'? More of a 

Marmite manager, I'd say...

---------------------------------------------------------

CHRISTMAS CRACKATOAS - for those who

like a REALLY big bang!...

---------------------------------------------------------

DONALD TRUMP WON...

...ders if Biden won the election.

"Er, yes, he did. sir. Now f*ck off out of here"...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some people say President Trump's losing his mind, but he 

himself continues to deny it. Swears he's winning it - 

BY LOTS!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHRIS WHITTYCISM - CMO of England cracks another joke...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Times are so tough these days, if the House of Lancaster 

still existed, it would probably be a semi...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is Rod Stewart the only millionaire who's not only worth a

pretty Penny, but is married to one, too?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

If anyone else says they're miserable this Christmas, I'll 

bloody well give them a punch. Generous glass, finest rum,

all the trimmings! That should cheer them up...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************************

"You'll go down in history, son," promised

my dad, which scared me a bit. "How far 

down, dad?" I asked. (It's not heights I'm

scared of, it's depths)

**************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------

How are Trumpians going to celebrate Christmas

this year? With some "This Election was Stollen"

cake? Or a slice of humble pie? I think we both

know the answer to that...

------------------------------------------------------------

My son hates learning to swim in swimming 

pools. It's not heights he's scared of, it's widths...

------------------------------------------------------------

My Christmas tree's very special - it's got a KCB,

DSO and CBE!" - "Wow, I've never seen such a

well decorated tree!"...

------------------------------------------------------------

Christmas jumper joke...

*************************************

"Can you jump higher

than that table?" - "Of course I

can - tables can't jump!...🎄

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------

FELIZ NAVI,DAD! - "same to you, son"...

------------------------------------------------

The law-abidin' Hunter Biden...

-----------------------------------------------------

If Laura Bush had married Joe Biden, would

she, too, have been Laura Biden?...(just a

thought - but only just)

-----------------------------------------------------------

To those of you who say Sir Keir Starmer doesn't

stand for anything, let me assure you of this: he

stands for the National Anthem...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Can yorkies bowl yorkers?...

*************************************

"Have you seen the dog

bowl, darling?" - "I didn't know

it played cricket, pet!"...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------

Trump denies having anything to do with

'the potential prosecution of Hunter Biden'.

Lies, damed lies and fami-lies (at war). 

The man just can't help himself...

----------------------------------------------------

Meghan's 'Clevr Blends' drinks - the ideal

accompaniment to misspelt bred!...

(Spelt bread: £2:50, Misspelt bred: £1:00)

----------------------------------------------------

SHEPHERD SPY - brought in to help 

Little Bo Peep find her sheep - and he 

didn't half make a meal of it. Quite a 

tasty one, as it turned out...

----------------------------------------------------

Who knew? Cruise control involves 

expletive-laden rants!...tut, tut, Tom...

----------------------------------------------------

While the pussy's away, the mice will play...

***********************************

Me? Henpecked? Haha!

Such tosh! Oops, better go - 

here comes the Mrs...

***********************************

(17 Syllables) 

------------------------------------------------------------

Long-distance battery trains? Who would you call

if they break down? The AA - or the AAA?...

------------------------------------------------------------

An exclusive deal with Spotify? That's one heck of

a Meghaphone for a couple seeking privacy!...

------------------------------------------------------------

JAB SATISFACTION - how good it is to vaccinate 

people at last!...

------------------------------------------------------------

AETING - eating disorder...

------------------------------------------------------------

DYSLXEAI - disorder that affects certain areas of

the brian...

-------------------------------------------------------

With a little common sense, we CAN enjoy 

ourselves this Christmas, we're told. Tell you 

what, with a little more COMMONS sense, it 

would be a hell of a lot easier!...

-------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************************

Succumbing to Covid, a famous abstract 

artist drew his last breath. It later fetched 

a million at auction...

*****************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------

No wonder it's so tough deciding who's going to 

pay for the Hammersmith river crossing to be 

repaired - they all know it's far too risky to 

cross that bridge now they've come to it!...

----------------------------------------------------------

After yet another Andrew bombshell,

how much longer will he attempt to, 

er, 'duke' it out?...

---------------------------------------------

Capital punishment still exists:

I got TWO YEARS PROBATION!

--------------------------------------------

A new Age of Aquarius? What on 

Earth, Jupiter and Saturn are these 

astrologers on about?...

--------------------------------------------

**************************************************

Golden retrievers can fetch up to £2,000, 

apparently - though mine's never fetched

more than a stick... 

**************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------

It's irreverent humour that brings us together as a 

nation, apparently. Bollocks! It's REVEREND humour!

Let's hear it for The Vicar of Dibley!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Brexit...

----------

Nothing wrong with being as thick as thieves, but 

don't ever accuse us of being as thick as politicians!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Do abstract artists draw on their own experience, 

or do they use sketch pads, like the rest of us?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

EGOLAND - theme park for the self-centred...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 15)

----------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************

Anti-vaxxers give 

me the needle, man. Does that

make them hypocrites?...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------

Surprised the EU negotiators agreed to go the

extra mile. I'm pretty sure Ursula von der

Leyen would have pressed for 1.6 kilometers.

--------------------------------------------------------

JABS FOR THE BOYS - will Boris & co be

amongst the first to get the vaccine?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 5)

--------------------------------------------------------

NAZI GORENG - German/Indonesian cuisine...

--------------------------------------------------------

The 'c' in 'indictment' may be silent, but once 

Trump's left office, I very much doubt his 

detractors will be...

---------------------------------------------------------

As if Covid wasn't bad enough, it seems we're

now on the verge of an equally disastrous 'chip

pan'demic...

---------------------------------------------------------

Bloody hell! Covid Rail's too efficient for it's 

own good. The next strain's an express, and 

the last one's hardly left the station! Catch it

if you can! But I advise against it...

---------------------------------------------------------

The Ten Commandments...

************************************************

"Thou shalt not this"

And "thou shalt not that" -

(There weren't just a couple, but lots.)

"Thou shalt not this"

And "thou shalt not that" -

They came at a vast rate of nots...

************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------

Caveat emptor! Gran's just won a three-course meal

with Roy 'Chubby' Brown. Only hope the meal 

doesn't turn out to be a too coarse one...

----------------------------------------------------------------

If Trump wants to take the credit for the vaccines, 

then let him. May he be forever known as "That 

Vial Man!" (Works better when shouted out loud.

He himself won't get it, seeing as spelling's not

exactly his strong point.)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Bruno Tonioli was paid £33,000...a minute? Seeing

as Strictly's a dance show, couldn't it have been 

£33,000...a minuet? Much more fun!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

JUST A MINUET - the original BBC Third 

Programme panel show...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Seems I'm a slow learner...

********************************************

The speed awareness 

course finished. I rushed out. "Hang 

on there, not so fast!"...

********************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------

Joe Biden & Kamala Harris named Time

MAGAzine 'Person of the Year' ahead of 

your actual Trump? Ouch, that'll hurt!...

--------------------------------------------------------

The MAGAnificent Seven: Donald & Mike,

Jared, Ivanka, Donald Jr, Melania and Eric. 

A documentary about a bunch of cowboys - 

how about it, Netflix?...

--------------------------------------------------------

'The country's most senior judge yesterday 

demanded an end to criticism of the judiciary 

for handing serious criminals 'soft' sentences': 

...the Daily Mail sets out its stall by starting its 

report on the subject with what can only be 

described as one heck of a long sentence...

-----------------------------------------------------------

No more AirBee'n'Bee for me. I got stung...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, can't tell you more about the MPs' vaccine

plot to change our DNA. Sworn to secrecy, old

boy. Signed an NDA. "Bloody hell, it's changed 

already!"...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Notes from The Gambia...

-------------------------------

"Where can I but a pestle and mortar, darling?" -

"From the pound, pound, pound shop, honey"...

----------------------------------------------------------

doh!...

**************************************

Advent calenders?

Bad news, I'm afraid: looks like

their days are numbered...

***************************************

not feeling too good myself, come to think of it...

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------

Anti-vaxxers needle me...

----------------------------------------------------------

(Or: "they don't half give me the needle - how's 

that for hypocrisy?")

----------------------------------------------------------

Tears & Piers on GMB:

-----------------------------------------------------

At the risk of repeating myself, what's so 

wrong about Matt Hancock crying out loud, 

for crying out loud?...

-----------------------------------------------------

Really? People put on a posh voice when on the 

phone? Tel: me more, old boy!...(the Hyacinth 

effect? Is that when you answer with a "Hya!"?)

----------------------------------------------------------

Diversity Grove? Equality Road? Inspire Avenue?

Humanity Close? Respect Way? Sorry, but who-

ever in Birmigham came up with these daft 

names should be given the, er, cul-de-sack...

----------------------------------------------------------

Kay Burley pops into a Soho restaurant to spend

a penny, and now she's off air? Time off in loo, 

I imagine...

----------------------------------------------------------

I've scored! - oh, hang on a sec...

************************************

"You crossed the line!" said

my girlfriend. "No, I didn't!" - 

it's VAR time...

************************************

("I thought I'd scored!": 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------

Killing with kindness...

----------------------------------------------

The last thing the lactose intolerant 

need is the milk of human kindness...

----------------------------------------------

I had an inkling ex-wicketkeeper Jack 

Russell would be a great artist when I 

saw him draw stumps in 2004...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

It's my first December in England for 10 years. It's

like being imprisoned in Colditz - a very, very, VERY

Colditz! (When it's hot, it's very, very hot - and when

it's Colditz freezing!) It's also probably why Prince

Charles refers to Gordonstoun as 'Colditz in kilts'!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm all for compromise, Boris, but I'm not sure bashing

Ursula von der Leyen over the head with an olive branch

is the way to go...

(von der Woman v The Hulk: Clash of the Titans!)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Johnson v Macron...

**********************************

'Le Bust-Up'?: I looked

it up in the dictionary -

it's 'a strained Frenchship'...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, the second person to be given the jab was a 

William Shakespeare! I only hope he wasn't given 

it in his Bottom or Coriolanus...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Are petit four eaters small number crunchers?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

As Americans desperately wait for their shot in the 

arm, Trump continues to shoot himself in the foot...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Donald Trump's presenting some wrestler with the 

Presidential Medal of Freedom, apparently. What 

the hell does Trump know about wrestling? I do

know he was due to wrestle with his conscience

once (just the once!) - but he cried off, of course.

-------------------------------------------------------------

THE EPONYMOUSE HERO - star of many a

Mickey Mouse cartoon...

--------------------------------------------------------------

THE IMBEC-ISLES - a land populated by Covidiots...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

COLOUR BAA - there are no black sheep in OUR family!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

They don't call me Victor (Pre)Mature for nothing!...

*******************************

I came as soon as

I got her message. It was

quite embarrassing...

*******************************

(17 Syllables) 

----------------------------------------------------------

A NIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR - sure 

makes a change from pyjamas... 

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 8)...

----------------------------------------------------------

The days of the advent calendar are numbered.

Not feeling too good myself, come to think 

of it...

----------------------------------------------------------

A country divided? 'Tis the season of good Will

...and bad Harry. I blame Netflix...

----------------------------------------------------------

Vernon Kay may have lost two stone on I'm a 

Celebrity - but he gained a few pounds, too....

£250,000, allegedly. Swings and roundabouts!..

----------------------------------------------------------

The White House tennis court's up and running, 

apparently. Somewhere for Trump to practise 

his volleys of abuse?...

----------------------------------------------------------

I prefer the Pescatarian Party's policies...

*********************************

Trump's crackers, Rudy's

bananas and Pence is nuts -

vegan politics!...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------

I may be broke, but neverthelesstershire:

---------------------------------------------------

Such great Christmas decorations! I'm pretty

sure I'll be one of the eager Belvoirs heading

to the castle this festive season!...

-------------------------------------------------------

These new 'half' Christmas trees are great -

especially if you live in a semi!...

-------------------------------------------------------

Poilitics, eh? Quite unedifying to witness 

America 'airing its dirty Washing'ton in 

public...

-------------------------------------------------------

Why should any actress want Botox? An 

actress with no lines isn't an actress, she's an

extra...

-------------------------------------------------------

Any actress who frowns on the use of Botox

is probably grateful she still can...

---------------------------------------------------------

True happiness comes to those who wait, it 

says in the papers. And it's true. I tried waiting 

once, and if you've got enough tables, the 

tips you get can be fantastic!...

---------------------------------------------------------

Pork ow - that's me, all right...

Never marry a 

vegan if you want them to

bring home the bacon...

Talking tripe and eating it...

*****************************************

I've eaten so much

humble pie this week, I've gained

at least six kilos!...

***************************************** 

('Eating my words': 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Here's hoping Alliss is now in Wonderland. RIP,

one of our greatest communicators...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Whats my birthstone? I'm on the cusp, so I'm not

sure. But I'm a Johnny no mates, so it's probably

o pals...

-------------------------------------------------------------

She's hot, but she ain't cool...

-----------------------------------

Mums, eh? "Just look at that sweater, you'd think 

he'd know better! And as for my daughter, she'll 

wear what I bought 'er!" Talk about Marks and 

Sparks might fly!...

-------------------------------------------------------------

'SPORTS CAR'VERY - a (very) fast food joint.

---------------------------------------------------------------

If carnivores such as Boris have Cumberland-sausage

fingers (news item), do I and my fellow pescatarians

have fish fingers? Either way, a 'substantial' meal, 

surely? Mine's a pint!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

To say half of America is populated by Trump-supporting

nutters is absurd. It can't be more than a third. Scary stuff.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love my chunky Christmas jumper, it's a look I could

really pull off - if my wife didn't always pull it off first...

"No way are you wearing that!" she screams. Lovingly...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

y-not, indeed?......

******************************

"Where does a soldier

like to be vaccinated?" - 

"Er, in the arm-y?"...

******************************

(17 Very Sillybles)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Trees are like human beings - with intelligence and

feelings," says performance artist Marina Abramovic. 

(Which is why I respect my elders - the ones at the 

end of the garden. They never answer back, either - 

we can learn so much from them!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Relieved to hear that a claim in court that Phil 

Collins went a year without bathing just didn't wash.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Vaccine...

------------

'From factory to you - in a suitcase chilled to -70c'?

The very definition of cold comfort! Very, very cold 

comfort!...yippee!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

left jab, right jab - he doesn't care which arm!...

************************************************

"My grandfather's in

a vial mood" - "How d'you mean?" - "He

can't wait for his jab!"...

************************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

Bill Barr? Is that my Barr Bill in disguise? He's

certainly big enough! (I have a swift half every 

time Trump tells five lies on the trot). Oops, 

there's another! Cheers...

----------------------------------------------------------

PUB GRUBS - the 'I'm A Celebrity' menu...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, 6/6/23)

-----------------------------------------------------

Scotch eggs, Cornish pasties, Welsh rarebit:

not so much 'substantial meals', more a 

package holiday?...

---------------------------------------------------------

Eins, zwei, drei martinis, bitte. (I'm not even

sure if wet pubs serve dry martinis!)...

---------------------------------------------------------

Will the review into the South African lottery's 

winning numbers of 5,6,7,8,9 and 10 find 

everything to be, er, perfectly in order?...

---------------------------------------------------------

What are Highways England going to do about

the 4,000 bridges in 'a poor state'? If they wait

too long, they won't be able to cross that 

bridge when they come to it!...

---------------------------------------------------------

P3 government health warning...

**************************************

When photos are both

eye-popping AND jaw-dropping,

care should be taken...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

Theatres, cinemas, pubs, clubs: all closed...

              Pre-Covid: 

          ENTERTAINMENT!

        --------------------------

       

               Post-Covid:

     DO NOT ENTERTAINMENT!

          AIN'T LIFE GRAND!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A steak that's had its chips...

-----------------------------------

If a RUMP steak's thick, is a TRUMP steak even thicker?

Yes, but not quite as thick as the man himself...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

If a Scotch egg's a 'substantial meal', then I'll eat my hat!

(It's a pork pie one, so it probably tastes better, anyway)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Christmas is coming! Am I allowed to be beside myself

with Joy yet? Or do all three of us still have to social

distance?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 16)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"We should all be raindrops," says Prince Harry. Well, the

royal family's sure doing their bit: what a shower!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Charging for bags that don't fit under the seat? Well, at 

least it's up to me now: eliminate MY overheads or help 

EasyJet pay for theirs...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Musical suite tooth?...

🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝

If music be the

food of love, then play me a

few bars of...CHOC'LATE!

🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Drinking 5 teas a day can boost brainpower in old 

age, apparently. Really? I'll find out soon enough: 

I've drunk so much of the bloody stuff recently, 

the bags under my eyes have got perforations!...

--------------------------------------------------------

75% of Britons believe 2021 will be better

than this yaer. The other 25% spelled it correctly...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Jeremy Clarkson fails to answer a motorway

question on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'.

Obviously not a Roads Scholar, haha...

---------------------------------------------------------

The 's' in Ghislaine is silent. Her alleged

victims, hopefully, will no longer be...

---------------------------------------------------------

Realising his wife had a weakness for cowboys,

Jamie Oliver acquired about 70 plaid shirts, 

apparently. And now they have five children. 

Result! Well plaid, young man!...

---------------------------------------------------------

**********************************

Why the hell SHOULD he 

who hesitates be lost when 

to...er...is human?...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------

SCOTCH EGGNOG - part substantial meal,

part Christmas spirit! It's a rum do, 

all right... (Talk about a liquid lunch!)

---------------------------------------------------

Can't someone take over Debenhams and

call it 'Getting Out Of Debtenhams'?...

---------------------------------------------------

"Won Michigan by a LOT!" screams Trump. 

("I'm losing the p-LOT!" would be nearer 

the mark)...

---------------------------------------------------

"Won Michigan by a LOT!" screams Trump. 

(A job lot or a parking lot? I wish he'd be 

more specific)...

---------------------------------------------------

What will he be called when he becomes 

bankrupt? Donald Tramp? And his rants?

Will they become...er...vagrants?

---------------------------------------------------

A straight red for saying 'handbags'? If the

LGBTQ community had their way, we 

shouldn't even be saying 'straight'!...

---------------------------------------------------

I've already had a couple of cancers, and 

now I've discovered a mole in my garden

I just hope it's benign...

---------------------------------------------------

Joe Biden fractures foot playing with his dog...

**************************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------

That'll teach anyone to mess with Joe - I gather

it's German Shepherd's pie on the menu tonight!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Seeing as he's now having to wear an orthopaedic

support on his foot, this must be the first time 

ever two Presidents have been given the boot 

within a few weeks of each other!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

And as for his dog Major? He's back to Corporal...

--------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************************************

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Unlike Paul Hollywood and Prue Leith, I'm not one

to judge - but why did 'Bake Off Dave' propose to

his girlfriend on TV in November when the bun had 

been out of the oven since October? Timing issues?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

PEOPLE WHO NEED PPE-OPLE - Streisand

tribute to frontline workers...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 1)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Joe Biden is said to be bringing a cat into the

White House. Not the first time "pussy" and 

"President" have been mentioned in the same

sentence...

--------------------------------------------------------------

They should play the Vaccinational Anthem before 

all sporting occasions these days - it would be a 

real shot in the arm...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Two wheels good, four wheels bad - cars can kill!

Why this cyclelogical antipathy towards us bikers?.

--------------------------------------------------------------

If 100million viruses can fit on a pinhead, how 

many can fit on a d***kead? I'm talking about you, 

Trump. And why haven't they yet?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

HALF-ETON MESS - I left the bits of meringue...

--------------------------------------------------------------

but hey, the box it comes in could be...

*******************************

A pizza's round, a 

slice triangular- NO WAY

is it a square meal...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------

Xmas money-saving tips (contd.)...

---------------------------------------------------------------

If you can't afford a massive turkey this year, why

not watch one, instead? I recommend 'Did You Hear 

About the Morgans' with Hugh Grant. Sorry, Hugh...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Johnny's Depplorable advert...

-------------------------------------

'Aftershave advert causes quite a stink'. Hardly 

the sort of headline Dior were after, exactly...

------------------------------------------------------------

A torch in her face every 15 minutes? Is that a 

detention centre Ghislaine Maxwell's in - or a 

torcher chamber?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Why does 'The Crown' choose to so badly 

misrepresent the Duke of Edinburgh? Especially

now, when the Queen could do with a bit of a Fillip.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know much about art, but I know what I'm married to...

**********************************

My darling wife's as

pretty as a picture. "The

Scream," by Edvard Munch...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Covid guidelines...

-----------------------

Weird, or what? This year I'm told I can't play

Scrabble at Xmas - last year I was told I couldn't

play Xmas at Scrabble! (It's not in the Scrabble 

dictionary, aparently)

-----------------------------------------------------------

No board games at Christmas this year? Shame. 

I got bored playing it last year, but I got it on a

triple word score and won the game! Highlight

of the holiday!...

-----------------------------------------------------------

No Scrabble this year? Bugger! But at least we

can have turkey and all the trimmings - a 

24-square meal fit for a ***king **** *****! 

(aka 'an effing sore loser')

-----------------------------------------------------------

whatever it is, it's been cured...

*********************************

What do you save if

you save a vegan's life? Not

their bacon, surely?...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Donald Trump probably saw himself as the Terminator.

Doesn't seem too keen on being a 'Single Term'inator...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Trump was always accusing Biden of having a bunker

mentality. If he hates bunkers that much, why spend so

much time in them on the golf course? Hypocrisy?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Below par in the Oval Office, above par on the golf

course - how much better would Trump's presidency

have been had it been the other way round?... 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

#DiaperDon - King of the North American incontinent...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The route of all evil ---> (closed for repairs)

************************************************************

Great news! The Government's going to plough 

loadsamoney into infrastructure, apparently. 

And yippee, the road to ruin's going to be one of 

the first to be resurfaced!...

************************************************************

-----------------------------------------------------

It's as if they knew: the less tax you pay, the 

longer HMRC takes to pick up the phone. 

Just to tax you that little bit more...

-----------------------------------------------------

PRETTY POLLYTECHNIC - where students learn things parrot-fashion...

-----------------------------------

"DO NOT ENTER"TAINMENT - our theatres are closed...

-----------------------------------

BEAU-TfL - my Freedom Pass!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Any truth in the rumour #DiaperDon wants to take over

the already sh***y Incontinental Hotels?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Bring on the Covid slay bells!...

**********************************

We're all wanting a

Christmas to die for. And

this year we just might!...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

Diego Maradona, RIP...

-----------------------------

We mourn your passing. But not your heading

or dribbling - that was pretty good. RIP and

God speed, Diego...

---------------------------------------------------------

Newspapers say drinking cocoa will make me 

smarter. I sure hope so, I made a right Horlicks 

of my exams last week...

---------------------------------------------------------

HANDKERMINION - underling who works for 

handkerchief...

---------------------------------------------------------

Once you've heard it, you can never UNhear it!...

********************************************

Abe Lincoln's back in

the White House! "Good luck in your

new job,  A. Blinken!"...

*********************************************

('US Secretary of state, Antony Blinken': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Tiers of a clown (Boris, to you) - they're getting tougher:

-------------------------------- o -----------------------------------

No wonder business chiefs are calling the Conservatives

the 'purgaTory Party'...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Fox, duck, goose, turkey, bird...

--------------------------------------

Fox Channel's (lame)duck golden goose pardons turkey

as world gives him the bird. Seems the White House has

turned into a petting zoo...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Poetic justice...

************************************************************

Notice to thieves: if you leave a message in an

empty safe saying "you've been screwed", you 

can hardly complain if the cops later come along

and say "you've been nailed"...

************************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------

Did I hear right? The Archbishop of Canterbury is to

take a three-month Abbatical to study Swedish 

popular music?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Cyclists of the world, unite! "2 wheels good, 4 wheels 

bad!" as I'm sure George Orwell would have written 

had he still been alive...

------------------------------------------------------------------

If you tip a waiter too much, will he fall over? (asks 

the man who hates coarse jokes, but doesn't mind 

sweet-course ones)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Mrs laughter-dinner speaker...

***********************************

it's murder being a

female comic - better make

that (wo)manslaughter... 

***********************************

-------------------------------------------------------

If Boris is pants, does Carrie wear the 

trousers?...

-------------------------------------------------------

How can you say being a comedian's murder?

As far as I could see, no-one came CLOSE to

dying of laughter during your set...

-------------------------------------------------------

White Hose leaks confirm 'Sleepy Joe' will 

be more than grateful to have Dr Faucet on 

tap still. Hose? Leaks? Faucet? Tap? It's 

Watergate all over again!...

-------------------------------------------------------

NE1 KNO?

***************************

When will the vaccine

be Maida Vailable to

my mum in N6?...

***************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Politicians tend to call a spad a spad. Me, I prefer 

the term 'special adviser'...

-------------------------------------------------------------

No wonder Boris let Priti Patel off the hook. It's

what fish huggers do...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Does equal opportunity mean there'll be just as

many 'womenial' jobs as 'menial' ones in future?...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Ironic, or what? I hear Prince Charles hates a

certain Netflix royal drama so much, he wants to

Crown the producers. I imagine that's not quite 

the same as a knighthood...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Only use very well-red onions [sic - if you eat too much]

***********************************************

TARAMASALATA has 6 straight 'A's! 

That's 6 more than the average Trump 

supporter, I would suggest. Food for 

thought? Or thoughtful food?...

***********************************************

Vaccine rollout plan...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Presumably the local vaccination centre's going to 

be known as the Jabcentre Plus?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Wokeness gone mad...

---------------------------

According to the BBC, will the Lord's Prayer now 

have to end "...for thine is the kingdom, the power 

and the glory, for ever and ever. Apeople."?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Come the 'green revolution', I doubt we'll be seeing

much of Vin Diesel...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 23)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

President Trump's advisers: "74,000,000 votes, sir! 

Your numbers are up!" The American people: 

"74,000.000 votes, pal! Your number's up!" No 

wonder he's confused...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Labour leader withdraws whip from Corbyn...

****************************************************

Bumped into Jeremy Corbyn yesterday. 

He did seem to be in need of a bit of TLK. 

Tender loving Keir...

****************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAY KEIR CENTRE - House of Commons.

TENDER LOVING KEIR - opposition leader's softer side.

KEIRLESS - leaderless Labour Party.

INTENSIVE KEIR - opposition leader grills the PM.

KEIRWORN - suit once owned by opposition leader.

HEALTH KEIR CENTRE - opposition leader's bathroom cabinet.

CHILD KEIR - I want to be PM when I grow up.

====================================================

BLEAK HOUSE - the White House till inauguration day...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The easier it is to pull on your trackie bottoms, the harder it

is to pull off the look...(V. Hefter, Daily Mail, November 19)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Keep your hair (dye) on, Rudy!...

----------------------------------------

Talk about a 'heated' press conference! Could it possibly be 

Rudy Giuliani's hair dye was running...for office? That really

would leave America browned off. Not sure which shade, 

mind...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

wow, it's worse than I thought (2)...

***************************************

"My dad's crazy!" - "Why? 

Does he hear voices in his 

head?" - "No, he smells them"... 

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Will Jab Centres offer hope to the unemployed next

year? It'll take a lot of people to help vaccinate the

entire population...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Emma Thompson says she would rather stare at a 

table for two hours than have sex sometimes. Men, 

on the other hand, after staring at a table for two 

hours, would probably try to lay it...

---------------------------------------------------------------

when the ground's both hot and coal'd, haha...

**************************************************

Firewalkers are by far the worst climate 

change offenders - dirty great big carbon 

footprints all over the bloody shop!...

**************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 18)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Heading a dementia taskforce will be a good deal 

safer than heading a football. At least now the world's 

waking up to the fact...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I bet my brother that Nigella Lawson's way of spreading

butter's no better than the conventional way. He wasn't

interested - he says he's not into spread betting...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I hear Dominic Cummings is now a cartoon stripper?

Has he joined the Chippendales?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

the funny bone...

***************************************************

Of course women can be comics! My 

sister's a comedian and most of her jokes 

are close to the bone - but it's always  

the humerus, haha...

***************************************************

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

New vaccine 95% effective! Outgoing US President 95% 

INeffective! Talk about perfect symmetry!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"These great discoveries all took place on my watch,"

crows Donald Trump. "Which just happens to be a Rolex," 

he can't resist adding. Seems he just can't help himself...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Princess Camilla, the well-connected haiku...

*************************

Princess Camilla

Crociani de Bourbon

des Deux Siciles...

*************************

Is there anyone else on this planet whose name forms

a perfect haiku? Pretty niche, I know, but for those of 

us who haven't got a life, it's like...YIPPEE! 😂

(17 Syllables)

wow, it's worse than I thought...

**********************************

My dad's crazy. "Does

he hear voices in his head?" 

No, in his elbow...

**********************************

-------------------------------------------------------

Given America's lax gun laws, it's a bit scary

to think of Trump supporters being able to 

wander around witrh loaded MAGAzines...

-------------------------------------------------------

Never mind news networks and social media

companies, maybe Trump should think about 

starting his very own MAGAzine?...

-------------------------------------------------------

Will a Boris shorn of Cummings have his 

shortCummings exposed?...

-------------------------------------------------------

Keep Calm and (a right old) Carrie On...as

Ms Symonds goes nuts, crackers and bananas! 

Who knew she was a vegan!?...

--------------------------------------------------------