==============================================

"I'm thrilled to peices to be here at Margate - and 

(before you correct me, clever clogs) it's 'i before 

e, except by the sea,' and I'm writing this right here 

on the beach, OK? So there! Love to Tina"...

==============================================

"To wake the soul by tender strokes of art-illery":

Compassion? You don't know the meaning of the 

word, Putin...

==========================================

Call yourself a chef? I told you I wanted my salad 

medium-rare - so why is this one well-done?...

------------------------------------------------------------

CIDER FECTS - the effects of too much cider...

(Rumpy-pumpy? - ditch the scrumpy!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A happiness officer in the workplace? Don't make me laugh...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 3)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is the Russian equivalent of Britain's 'One Man and his 

Dog' 'One Arse and his Arsenal'? Humanity. eh?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ex-Miss Ukraine: from baring all to bearing arms, from

photoshoot to 'shoot to kill' - the world is becoming as 

dark as her jacket...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, Basil and Rosemary certainly do!...

********************************

Do advocates of

herbal medicine believe

thyme's a great healer?...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------- -------------------------------------

Bring back the old imperial system? Never! The metric

one's MILES better!   Damn!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

WESTERN DEMOCRACY: one man, one vote...

RUSSIAN DEMOCRACY: one man, one vote (trouble

is, the man's Putin)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Ben Wallace thinks World War Three will last about

an hour. Does that include the adverts?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Human rights: environmentalists hate plastic. I hate

glass. Anyone hate China? (If you hate all three, 

what the hell do you drink out of?) #Uyghurs

----------------------------------------------------------------

No fly zone - the area around my crotch/groin area, 

seeing as I only wear trackie bottoms now. (No 

buttons, no zips - just a pair of old hips)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What a fine job we're doing as guardians of this planet.

Humanity, eh?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The longer I live, the more I love dogs... #Ukraine

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"We're right behind you, Ukraine," says the West. So far

behind, we can hardly be seen, I fear...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Action, not words!...

******************************************

Vladimir Putin?

What good are think tanks against

someone who thinks tanks?...

******************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 23: 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------

(PG) films - just my (cup of tea)!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The inimitable Ms Carey: if Russia's now a PARIAH STATE, is

New York a Mariah one? Isn't that where she was born?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Should we really still be selling diamonds and handbags to our

oligarch-enemies?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IRRUSSIANAL BEHAVIOUR - despotty-mouth Putin's at it, again...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Roman Abramovich? I used to support Chelsea once, when 

life was good and sport was fun. We live now in a dark age, 

however, led by a succession of serially incompetent 

nonentities into the scariest of unknowns. More tea, vicar?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HARRY AND MEGHAN STAND WITH THE PEOPLE OF UKRAINE

(UPPER CASE), as does Mr Jones at No 42 (lower case) - BuT tHeIr

MeSsAgE iS tHe SaMe: F*Ck PuTiN! (NuT cAsE)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Putin's a capitalist, all right - the more capitals he can grab a hold

of the better, it seems: Moscow, Kyiv...Riga, Tallinn, Tbilisi?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last place they'd ever look for him...

****************************************

Matthew, Mark, (Lucan),

John: no one's found HIM - but it

looks like HE'S found GOD...

****************************************

Matthew, Mark, (Lucan), John: steering clear of

bars and hostels / so well disguised between the

gospels - they'll never find him!...

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

If we'd pulled out all the stops, would Putin have pulled

out all the troops? Probably not, but if we HAD done, it

might have helped... #weakleadership

---------------------------------------------------------------------

MAY PUTIN'S UKREIGN OF TERROR BE SHORT AND SWEET

AND END IN HIS SWIFT DEMISE...I don't normally wish for 

someone's life to end, but in this madman's case, I'm 

prepared to make an exception...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quite honestly, I'd have no problem with Prince Harry being

a stand-in for the Queen when necessary - as long as I could

choose what he had to stand in! (He's lucky I can't spell faeces)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pets protect us from memory loss in later life, apparently.

No wonder I can't remember when I last had one, haha...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ant & Dec in drag? Why the fuss? What's so wrong with 

a certain popular duo being elegANT & DECorative for 

one night only?...

(Name and address supplied (me), Daily Mail, March 2)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, I've just seen Dick Van Dyke practising how to (soft-

shoe) shuffle off this mortal coil. It's still not right, I reckon

- but hey, by the look of him, he's still got plenty of time!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

COD ONLY, read the sign in my chip shop's window. "Fish

shortage?" I asked. "No. Cash On Delivery," she explained.

I handed over my tenner...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Is there no end to Brooklyn Beckham's culinary skills? 

Now Donald Trump's accountants have abandoned ship, 

it seems he's decided to call on Master Beckham to help 

him cook the company's books - a matter of some urgency, 

by all, er, accounts...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crime and Pun-ishment: the police doctor told the suspect 

he needed some stitches. "Not if I can help it," replied the 

suspect. "Suture self," said the doctor - and stormed off...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

War! So many corrupt, power-hungry a-holes in charge

of so many countries on this planet of ours. Why?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Storm warning...

*************************************

Franklin, I don't give

a damn! (For it, too, will soon

be Gone With The Wind)

*************************************

(Storm Franklin: 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Does refusing to play any more Russian roulette count as

a sanction?...

(Do Russian roulette jokes require a trigger warning?)

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 16)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course David Beckham is proud of his son Cruz. What

other 16-year-old kid could sit on a chair in front of a

camera, TOTALLY UNAIDED, with his trousers round his 

ankles? #proudtobebritish

---------------------------------------------------------------------

HRTfelt apologies - sorry I doubted your treatment's efficacy, darling.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

MIGHT IS RIGHT! Not in Boris's dithering hands, it's

not: "we MIGHT do this, we MIGHT do that, we MIGHT

do the other...later" just doesn't cut it. Half-hearted 

sanctions so far, at best. Churchill, my arse bottom...

------------------------------------------------------------------

UKraine, EUkraine, Ukraine - united we stand...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Are there any programmes Oti Mabusy-busy's NOT on?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Storm Eunice - not my cup of tea...

*********************************

Storm Eunice? Storm in

a teacup, more like - if the

tea's Typhoo-n, haha...

*********************************

Reminded me of the movie 'The Perfect Storm'

(except that was a PG - tips)

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

Amir Khan v Kell Brook: "WHAT A BOUT!" (Don't

you just hate 'whataboutism'?)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Not sure which is scarier: just one Peter Hitchens

column or any number of Russian armoured ones!

-------------------------------------------------------------

Phil 'Your Boots' Mickelson says he's going away

to work on becoming the man he wants to be. 

Wow, it seems everyone's transitioning these days!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Phil 'Your Boots' Mickelson says he's going away

to work on becoming the man he wants to be. Who

would that be, I wonder? The billionaire Jeff Bezos?

---------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, I can't really respond to the lifting of Covid

restrictions or the Ukraine situation till Harry &

Meghan tell me how I should feel about it all...

-------------------------------------------------------------

NAVAL-GAZING - reviewing the fleet...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 22)

------------------------------------------------------------------

How rich does the soil have to be to support a £1,850

snowdrop bulb?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

It's tough at the bottom: as an actor, I suspect I'll have 

as many lines in Madonna's next film as SHE seems to 

have on her face...

MADONNA KEBAB - one with not much meat on?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Shame 'This Is Going To Hurt' is set on a labour ward - it's

more of an A&E series, if you ask me: Amusing & Entertaining...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Lewis Hamilton moral 2021 champ...

****************************************

REAR-WHEEL DRIVEL - stuff

that comes out of the mouths of

FIA bosses...

****************************************

FOR SALE: MICHAEL MASI FERGUSON - perfect for riding 

roughshod over any FIA rules. Free, or nearest offer...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 15: 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Boris: sorry to bother you, but could getting rid

of all restrictions in law be followed by getting rid of 

all MOTHERS-in-law? Yours in spirit, Les Dawson...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

"You can fool some of the people all of the time and all

of the people some of the time, (etc)"... but you can't

fool ME, Boris. Or Mr Jones at No 42, Shame on you!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So we no longer have to Tess Daly or sell fisolate? Great!

(Not too keen on her, running out of THEM!) But I still

want to out, Boris. And so does Mr Jones at No 42...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

With her fiancé now on a 'threats' charge, what might

Katie Price's marriage vows be? "Do you take this man

to be your awful wedded husband?"...

------------------------------------------------------------------

NUTCRACKER SUITE TOOTH - I just can't get enough

of that Sugar Plum Fairy!...

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

***************************************

An unfair-y tale?...

#nonce upon a time there lived

a Prince called Andrew...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

The Rolling Sliding Stones - women's curling team to 

release a single?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Andrew Neil is back - on Chanel No 4! The sweet smell 

of success, nabbing UK's top political commentator!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

ADDICTIONARY - A-Z of addictive substances...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

No more Dick? The Met must be transitioning...

Yes, the Metropolitan Police have lost their Commissioner

- but it just goes to show: Cuntstables CAN survive without

a Dick! Just as my wife has always told me...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Golden curlers: congratulations to Eve Muirhead and her

team on 'sweeping' all before them...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Kate and Lila Moss: like mother, like daughter? Well, I 

DID like mother, now I quite like daughter...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Tax avoidance / Bill and coo: Cheryl Tweedy facing a 

big bill, or Hillary Clinton facing a rampant one - not 

sure which is scarier!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

With a name like RANT ZEN, I'm surprised Esther's 

not got a split personality disorder!...

-------------------------------------------------------------

So it's not just ANY illness, then?...

************************************

          COVID-19. By

      Appointment to HRH

The Prince of Wales. "Wow!"...

*************************************

'Purveyor of sickness to humans'

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

- And now it's 'By Appointment to HM The Queen' -

If it's good enough for her, it's good enough for me!

============================================

Ukraine: bloody hell, Vlad, stop Putin the boot in! 

What's wrong with you, man?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

In this increasingly woke world we now inhabit, it's

getting harder and harder to tel [sic] jokes...

---------------------------------------------------------------

ESCHEWING THE CUD - bloody hell, my cow's gone

on a bleedin' diet!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

It seems the next time my dentist looks down in the

mouth, it probably won't be my mouth. He's quit the

NHS. So now it's me who's down in the mouth. America

may well have a gun control problem, but it looks like

we've got a fast-growing gum control one...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Stop chewing gum after 20 minutes (says my paper).

Eschew it altogether (says my mum). Tough one...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I feel sorry for Liz Jones and her hair loss. I know she

regarded her locks as 'hirsute of armour', haha...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Storm Eunice...

===============================

Just when you think life's a breeze,

ALONG COMES A FUCKING GALE!...

===============================

************************************

"if a termite can

eat coffee tables, then you

can eat VEGEtables!"...

************************************

The brand new Duke of York,

He had ten thousand smackers...

(But he needed so much more,

So found himself some backers)...More fool, they...

************************************

------------------------------------------------------------

Post (Office) Traumatic Stress Disorder: what the 

sub-postmasters and mistresses affected by the

PO scandal could well be suffering from?...

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Shoot first and ask questions later," says Angela

Rayner. Isn't that what professional photographers

do? The main question being "how many copies of

that do you want?"...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Storm Eunice? Keep Calm and Carry On - with a

nice cup of Typhoo-n, in my case (you can make

up your own 'storm in a teacup' jokes)

------------------------------------------------------------

The steady drip, drip, drip of embarrassing Royal

stories continues. Maybe Prince Charles's former

aide should be called Michael 'Faucet'? ('Leaky,'

to his friends?) Drip, drip, drip, indeed...

------------------------------------------------------------

Pam & Tommy: is it anatomically possible for a 

talking penis to have verbal diarrhoea? (Why talk 

to your penis, anyway? You know all it'll do is

take the piss)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

An all-female shortlist for Andrew Marr's successor?

Given half a chance, the BBC would probably replace

the word 'staff' with 'distaff', the side from which all

future presenters would be selected. Daft buggers...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Speech is free, but...

*********************************

Torque is cheap. But not

when it comes courtesy of

a Maserati...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Kiss a frog, and, if you're lucky, it'll turn into a Prince.

How unlucky must you be if you kiss a Prince and he

turns into a f ***ing toad? Talk about a very, very 

unfair-y tale... #PrinceAndrew

------------------------------------------------------------------

By labelling Virginia Roberts a 'sex-kitten', was Prince

Andrew wanting to 'do a Zouma' and kick her into 

touch? Talk about a costly mistake...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Prince Andrew's reached a settlement! Hopefully, it's

an out-of-the-way one with no running water, and he's

never heard of again. Maybe it's IN Virginia? haha...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Andrew recollected, Virginia collected. THE END.

------------------------------------------------------------

The only battery that doesn't need charging is a 

battery of lawyers. This battery charges YOU!...

-----------------------------------------------------------

He'd probably get in the England team these days...

******************************************

"Have you seen the dog

bowl, darling?" - "No, but I've seen 

it bat. Lords, I think"...

******************************************

(It's a cricket thing: 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Unlike the grand old Duke of York, Prince Andrew 

fights HIS battles with a battery of lawyers. A battery, 

incidentally, that never needs charging - this battery 

charges HIM. A bloody fortune, I hope...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Innocent until found wanting: of course Prince Andrew's 

not as good as gold. He just LOOKS gilty!...

(As good as gold - or covered in gilt? Looks like we'll never know)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

No point hurling volleys of abuse towards Djokovic, 

not unless they're very, very well directed - he'll return 

everything with interest, and then some! Just ask any 

of his opponents...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cash for honours: never mind Prince Charles's Foundation,

what HRH could do with right now - with the eyes of the 

nation upon him - is some Concealer! Out of sight, out of 

mind, so to speak... (It's a make-up thing, my wife tells me)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Coronavirus (By Royal Appointment)

***********************************

COVID HAS STRUCK -

Both Charles AND Camilla!...

Charles got it first -

But I wonder who's iller?...

***********************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Only when he's NOT wearing a mask can Alexander Boris

de Pfeffel Johnson be called a BARE-FACED liar...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Seems the Chinese have introduced a new skating 

discipline: OBFUSKATING - taking to the ice whilst 

avoiding all talk of drugs...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

If I write to the papers to complain about the number

of people who write to the papers to complain, what

does that make me? Not sure I want to know...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

There were quite a few in my old haunt...

**************************************

Can spirit levels

tell you how many ghosts there

might be in your home?...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Was Cilla Black's 'ANYONE WHO HAD A HRT' the first

record about hormone replacement therapy to reach No 1

in the charts?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ban 'Mr'and Mrs' in schools? Who cares, as long as my son

doesn't 'Miss' any lessons!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

'20 minutes of exercise a day in 70's could halve heart risk'

(newspaper headline). Centigrade or Fahrenheit, is that?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Smirking' is trending. People are f***ing angry with Boris.

Just goes to show: there's no smirk without ire...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

World War 3? U-CRANIUM: 'bonehead' Boris to save the day?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry attends Superb Owl without Meghan. Does he 

perchance have an ulterior motive? To wit: to woo Eugenie?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prince Harry's Memoir - out soon. "I'm writing this not

as the prince I was born but as the twat I have become".

Can't wait...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

LOU IS THE ROUX, and who am I to argue? But it also 

means he is equal parts flour and fat, which is almost as 

disturbing as his latest documentary...

============= WHITE FLOUR MATTERS =============

---------------------------------------------------------------------

MACADEMIA - the world of the nutty professor...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 15)

----------------------------------------------------------

Well, he sure ain't bright...

*******************************************

Where's Montecito,

dad? It's where the son don't shine"

Whose son? Diana's...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bugger! No Valentine cards. Again. Just bills. (Not so much a

red-letter day, more an unread-letter day, I guess - seeing as 

they'll remain unopened) (All bill and no coo?)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Any truth in the rumour American Airlines refused a passenger's

request for her flight to be nut-free as it would have meant 

throwing off David Icke and Piers Corbyn?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Sue Gray report: if people in glass houses shouldn't throw

stones, what shouldn't people in No 10 throw? Parties, it turns out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Abbott and Costello, what a couple of clowns they were! Oops, 

did I say Abbott and Costello? What I meant was Abbott and 

Corbyn. Easily done...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stuart Broad, on coping with being dropped by England: "I'VE GOT 

OUT FOR LITTLE RUNS, and they've made me feel better". That's

partially why he WAS dropped: HE GOT OUT FOR LITTLE RUNS,

and should have done better - he used to be a competent batsman!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Flat? I thought it was an Abbatoir," says Boris. No wonder he's

getting slaughtered...🎝 (The Abba party)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Where's Montecito, dad?" - "California, lad - where the son

don't shine" - "Whose son, dad?" - "Diana's. Now finish your tea"...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Posh & Becks' home looks lavish, of course it needs repairs. ANY

home that looks like a lav would!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BORIS JOHNSON'S RESIGNED!!! - resigned to the fact that the 

'Partygate' scandal's going to drag on even longer. Sorry to raise

your hopes...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will all Boris's questionnaire answers be: "well, what people 

really want to know is..."

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 16)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Poetic justice? Kurt Zouma is having problems with his vision, 

apparently. Not cat-aracts, by any chance?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sir Mark Todd and Kurt Zouma - the resemblance is striking. One

strikes horses, the other strikes cats. May God forgive them, because

I'm finding it bloody hard to...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Russia mocks 'deaf' Foreign secretary...

**************************************

The Foreign Office:

"In Liz We Truss". Moscow (and

my dad): "are you sure?"...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

You have to be rich to be driven by a chauffeur, but you have 

to WANT to be rich to be driven by money...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cheek of it, Harry Styles! Not sure if someone riding along

The Mall on an enormous bed in polka-dot pyjamas needs to be

given a dressing-down or a dressing GOWN!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Partygate: who should Carrie the can-can?: if she's Carrie'd a

torch for him for 10 years, maybe she should Carrie the can for

him now? Just sayin'...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charles & Camilla are to be crowned side by side, apparently -

exactly what I'd like to do to Harry & Meghan if I hear another

peep out of either of them!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The difference between William & Kate and Harry and Meghan

is the difference between being driven by a chauffeur and being

driven by money...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rugby Union: England team news: Marcus Smith will be 

starting at 10 against Italy today. I don't know why - the rest of 

the team won't be starting till 3:30. (They'll be late - it starts at 3)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

#TwitterDown was bad enough, but now #EiderDown?

How the hell am I meant to make my bed?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

DISCO-FFICE SPACE - where Boris holds his Abba parties...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************

"Cheating husbands have

feelings, too" - "True. GLEE, if I

remember rightly!"...

**************************************

...not to mention elation, joy, triumph,

smugness and satisfaction!...

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

If the next Metropolitan Police commissioner isn't a gay

mentally-challenged transgender amputee of colour, the

Woke brigade are going to be asking questions...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

STOP THE WORLD, I WANT TO GET OFF...WITH JULIE!

(Better still, STOP THE WORLD WAR, VLADIMIR - if you

don't mind Putin it off till after Valentine's Day, at least)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

WORLD WAR 3 - TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR 4...

"Some people believe football's a matter of life and death.

I can assure you, it's much more important than that." (Bill

Shankly). "F*ck Putin," he might have added had he been

alive today. Life goes on...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"With friends like daisy," said Rose, "who needs 

Anemones?" (As told to me by Lily, while they were all 

having their roots done)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Daniel Ricciardo may be struggling to fill Mark Webber's

shoes, but he has no trouble filling his own, given half a

chance! How many is it now? The Shoey! 🍾

---------------------------------------------------------------------

£10,000 a time? People who believe in free speech 

obviously don't believe in free speeches!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, Kurt Zouma will avoid FA punishment because

the incident did not involve racism. Bollocks to that - it was

a BENGAL cat!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pity the shepherd whose staff want to work from home.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 10)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

No 10's new 'gatekeeper': might Samantha the Panther

help a certain leopard change its spots?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Yorkshire terrier voted Britain's dirtiest dog. I wonder if

Britain's dirtiest comedian owns one?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Do 3-ball plants need watering?...

**************************************

It's hard to grow carrots

If you don't know your onions -

Like walking in sandals

With a couple of bunions...

**************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 10)

=================================

Yippee! Another Caption Comp prize! (Wow! Another

own goal by No 10!). Third Daily/Weekend Mail prize

in a few weeks! I've got myself a paying hobby!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

There's a long cue outside the garden centre...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"It's a 3-ball plant," said Steve Davis. - "How often do

you have to clip it?" asked my wife. She loves topiary. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Why was there a long cue outside the garden centre?  

Because there was a special offer on 3-ball plants.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

When asked by investigators if there were No 10 parties,

Boris replied "of course there were no 10 parties"...

Nice one, Mr Loophole! (No wonder they want to bring

back capital N punishment)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Early to bed, early to rise, too early to spring this Covid

surprise. You can fool some of the people all of the time,

and all of the people some of the time, etc...but if bringing

forward the lifting of restrictions isn't designed primarily 

to help save Boris's political sin, then I'm a Dutchman...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not just ANY ham sandwich, a (Brooklyn Beck)ham sandwich.

What a twat...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love going to comedy clubs with my long Covid. Even if a 

joke stinks, I can't smell a bloody thing! (And if it's tasteless

anyway, well, I'm not missing out!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dictionary definitions (No 738)

*******************************

Sucker: 'voter who

still expects Boris to give

succour to the poor'...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

It's a pity it's not Spuds 'R' Us linking up with Primark 

- they'd be able to offer baked potatoes in S, M and L 

jackets... (or XXL for the really ravenous!)

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Partygate' is dismissed by a government insider: "if you think 

there's a drinking culture in No 10, you're quite mistaken," 

insisted a government in cider. Oops!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

When do you see P on a car? - 1) When someone's

just passed their driving test, and 2) When a dog

has just cocked its leg...

-------------------------------------------------------------

A GOVERNMENT IN CIDER - a person in the 

know who denies No 10 drinking culture...

----------------------------------------------------

**********************************

my cat may not be

a spring chicken, but it still 

lays pretty good eggs...

**********************************

(17 Very Sillybles)

-----------------------------------------------------------

'SPORTS CAR'VERY - GT drivers' eatery of choice.

-------------------------------------------------------------

60 is the new 40? Great! But it turns out the same

applies to your money, too - that 60 quid in your

pocket's now also worth 40. Yin and Yang, I guess.

-------------------------------------------------------------

SIR JOHNS BOON - instead of his Cabinet, Boris 

Johnson decides to shuffle his name - and knights

himself in the process...

-------------------------------------------------------------

BENATIC - how a reshuffled Cabinet might look...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Throw the book at them - their own book! If jailed 

writers misbehave, how many syllables should be 

added to their sentences?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm told the Tories have become the Party of two Lauras

these days: Laura 'n' Order and Laura Kuenssberg!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Boris isn't a complete clown," says Guto Harri. 

What is he, then? The 'Grim' bit of 'Grimaldi'?...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Carrie Johnson: a woman not afraid to call a Spad

a Spad - but not necessarily to their faces...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Jimmy Carr 'Holocaust' joke: I'm pretty sure the producers 

of 8 Out Of 10 Cats are currently having kittens!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe now would be a good time for Jimmy Carr to launch 

a charm offensive? (But lay on the charm, and AVOID THE 

OFFENSIVE! Just saying...)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************

Are old folk who don't 

need glasses the ones who swig

straight from the bottle?...

**************************************

I may be old, but 

I still don't need glasses! (I

swig from the bottle)

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I knew I could never give up Netflix or my gym membership

to enable me to buy a decent house - so I gave up the ghost 

and bought a haunted one! Take that, Kirstie Allsopp!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just to let you know, Bristol University - I, too, now identify

as a cat purrson. (What's more, I'm saving up for the operation

and there's already 50 quid in the kitty)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

8 out of 10 cats who've been kicked by Kurt Zouma would

quite happily move in with Jimmy Carr - however tasteless

his jokes might be. I sure know which of these two gentlemen

I'd quite happily cancel, and it sure ain't Jimmy. And yes, I've

been to Auschwitz - as everyone should...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Do any fine deeds yesterday?" - "Sure did. Sped through a

village and parked on a double yellow" - "But they're not

fine deeds!" - "Sure are. Got fined for both"...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Comedy is dying," says Jimmy Carr. 'Murder...or mans laughter?'

I ask myself... RIP.

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Let's Kick Racism Out Of Football? How about 'Let's Kick 

Footballers Who Kick Cats Out Of Football'? Stand up and 

be counted, West Ham...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Greatest Of All Time? "Yeah, right"...

*************************************

Poor old Boris. He

wanted to be the GOAT. Turns

out he's a jackass...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

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Give the PM time and space! (newspaper headline)

How about 3 years in a 5.5 x 5.5 cell?... "NOT ENOUGH

TIME, TOO MUCH SPACE!" came the cry...

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No 10's FINE DEEDS = No 10 Parties (deeds that end up with a fine)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Say it with paper petals this Valentine's (newspaper headline).

When my girlfriend tore up the A4 to make mine last year,

she was stopped for speeding. She had to explain to the 

officer that it was only paper...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not only is it Her Majesty's sincere wish that Camilla becomes

Queen Consort, she still wants to crown Meghan, apparently.

Yeah. Over the head with a cricket bat!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, the Queen wants to bury the hatchet with Harry

& Meghan in her jubilee year... "Yeah, but guess WHERE she

wants to bury it, haha"...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, the Queen wants to extend an olive branch to

Harry & Megan, seeing as it's her jubilee... "Yeah, and as

soon as they come anywhere near her, she'll whack them

over the head with it, Cunning!"...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ironic, or what? By complaining about people jumping on

the 'mental health bandwagon', Joanna Lumley has made 

a lot of people, well...mad!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Clots?...

**********************************

Reality 'stars'?

They really are 'la crème de

la crème'. Extra thick!...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Come Nadine With Me (Channel 4). An invitation

to dinner at No 10 ends in an unlikely promotion...

--------------------------------------------------------------

How much smoother would life be if the ship of

state were being steered by someone who was still

the husband of a (not-so-ancient) Marina?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Looks like Boris's behaviour could cost him a pretty

Penny - the support of Trade Minister Ms Mordaunt!

---------------------------------------------------------------

"Boris," I said, "you've made your bed, you'll have 

to lie in it". And, to give him his due, he HAS done 

- through his teeth, at times...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Most Prime Ministers come to No 10 with a certain

amount of baggage. In Boris's case, most of it seems

to be Carrie-on...

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Grandad told me he had Weetabix for breakfast this

morning, but I know for a fact he had Shreddies. 

He can't help it - he's a cereal liar...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 24)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Ivermectin tablets: "I've a mectin!" says Laurence Fox.

"I've a better idea," screams the voice of reason,"get

yourself jabbed!"...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Kindergarten...

**************************************

Yes, of course British

children are kind - but German

children are kinder...

**************************************

('Kinda funny?': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Following Sue Gray's damning report, Boris Johnson 

vows to make changes at No 10. "Starting with the

curtains," adds Carrie...

---------------------------------------------------------------

A LIAR-BILITY - how some might describe Boris?...

------------------------------------------------------------

Jimmy Carr-crash 'humour': caustic humour is one thing.

Holocaustic humour quite another, Jimmy Carr. There are 

limits. Camp humour is one thing. Concentration camp 

humour quite another, Jimmy Carr. There are limits...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why exactly were Sir Andy Murray and Emma 

Raducanu honoured by the Queen? Was it for

their unreturnable first services to tennis?...

--------------------------------------------------------

Cash & Carrie: where I like to do my shopping.

or two of Boris's major headaches? Discuss...

----------------------------------------------------------------

All leaders strive to leave their mark on society -

though sometimes it turns out to be more of a stain.

No names, no pack drill, Boris...

----------------------------------------------------------------

COAL'D WATER - (what I get) when my solid 

fuel boiler packs it in!...

-------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson: from Mr Bean to Mr Has-Been.

It can't be long now - can it?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

By becoming Boris's new director of communications, 

might Guto be committing political 'Harri'kiri?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Call the AA! (or the AAA?)

*********************************

Electric cars are

all right as far as they go -

and that ain't that far!...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Prince Harry claimed yesterday that he's being 'schooled

by the universe'. You're talking out of Uranus, Harry...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

All PMs strive to leave their mark on the world. 

Sometimes it turns out to be a stain...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

If men are from Mars and women from Venus, what

planet is Harry on right now?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Solid fuel fires leave me coal'd! ( Goodness gracious,

grate balls of fire. Sod that - just the grate, mate)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Judas: "Is cariot a traitor?" Discuss. (God

knows what that's all about)

---------------------------------------------------------

BORIS'S CATHOLICKSPITTLE - Jacob Rees-Mogg, 

by any other name...

---------------------------------------------------------

They grow up so fast these days!...

***********************************

I had 'the sex-talk'

with my boy last night. Boy,

did I learn a lot!...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

How soon before life cycles are replaced by e-bikes?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Who knows? If they bring in fruit and veg vouchers,

Boris might even be able to afford another mandarin

at No 10. "What? Even a WFH Peloton-riding one?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Who plays the part of the talking penis in

'Pam & Tommy'? Cressida Dick? hahaha...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

You Are What You Eat (Ch 5). REALLY? Everything I eat

is VERY RICH - so why the f*** aren't I???...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Michael Gove, the great leveller? Cripes! They said the 

same about the atomic bomb. Vote Labour!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

As a hobby, I much prefer origami to painting, and the

reasons are tenfold. (They used to be twofold, but I've

got much better at it since then)

------------------------------------------------------------------

PILLIONAIRES - founders of Harley Davidson!

------------------------------------------------------------

Low-calorie lager to reduce beer bellies? Yippee!

Larger louts can go back to being lager louts!...

------------------------------------------------------------

Where there's a will, there's a way...

********************************************************

If you kick your brother in the bollocks and

he takes it on the chin, try kicking him on the 

chin - maybe he'll take it in the bollocks?...

********************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------

Stand-up comedy at Newcastle Cathedral? Sounds 

like a great gig for a Bishop! How about it, John?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

BENT COP-ULATION - having sex with a PC based 

at Charing Cross...

------------------------------------------------------------

SAVILE ROW - the row between Boris and Sir Keir

about a certain paedophile...

------------------------------------------------------------

Energy's so expensive these days, I can't afford to 

waste any complaining about it!...

------------------------------------------------------------

Thank God my immune system's strong enough to

cope with Laurence Fox's claptrap...

--------------------------------------------------------------

ABBATOIR - Swedish slaughterhouse where animals 

meet their Waterloo...

(Might Carrie's 'Abba bash' turn out to be Boris's

Waterloo? Might just as well have held it in an

Abbatoir, seeing as she's being slaughtered for it!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Guess how many copies the autobiography of Thomas

Crapper sold? - "Shitloads, I imagine"...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

FORGET-ME-KNOTS - the half-hitch and figure of

eight are the only ones I can remember!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 1)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope there wasn't much damage when house prices hit

the roof - seeing as roof repairs have risen even faster!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm A Celebrity Bushtucker Trials...

*************************************

If pub grub is what

Ant and Dec eat, are pub grubs

what the others eat?...

*************************************

(17 Rather Sillybles)

--------------------------------------------------------

NICK FERRARI...ARRESTED...SENTENCED - my

life as a failed car thief...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

David Davis and Andrew Mitchell? As thick as thieves,

writes Henry Deedes. "As thick as two planks, more 

like," Boris probably mutters to himself. No love lost...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

My Maths teacher thinks I'm 'the cream of the cream'. 

My History teacher thinks I'm thick. Does that mean 

I'm thick cream?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Unlike Greg Wise and Emma Thompson, my wife and I 

NEVER turn the telly off, and rarely turn each other ON!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing's ever black or white? The 'Gray' report begs to

differ. Now f*** off, Boris...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"The first duty of Government is to uphold the law," said

Maggie Thatcher once. Now, the first duty of Government

seems to be to hold UP the law. These are sad times...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dereliction of duty is not like a birthday cake - a simple

apology won't cut it. Resign, Prime Minister...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Pete wrote a book about dung last year" - "Sell many?"

- "Bucketloads. Stank the place out" - "Mike too, he wrote

one on the history of pails. Sold bucketloads, too - but all

empty, apparently, he says" That's nothing! I wrote one on

toilets. Sold a shitload. Jesus, the pong! Never again!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote a book on my grandfather last year. Wouldn't it have

been easier to write on paper?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

How times have changed! The grand old Duke of  York, he 

had 10,000 men. Andrew? He makes do with 72 teddy bears.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 1...or 'name and

address supplied,' as they put it today)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------