4-star film review...

**************************************

I'm told that Danny

Boyle's Pistol was shot in Kent.

I'm glad it survived...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If a picture paints

a thousand words, can a small

one paint a haiku?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 31 -  see 25/9/2011!)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Someone threatened to punch my lights out last week.

"Too late," I said, "I've already been cut off. But you 

could always trying blowing my candles out"...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

GOD SAVE THE MONARCH!...(It's our new National 

Anthem/they/their - Britain's gone gender-neutral)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Trigger warning...

****************************

No, putting urine

in a water gun doesn't

make it a pisstol...

****************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

As well as being asked to recognise up to 100 different

genders, Whitehall mandarins - should they wish - will

now be allowed to identify as satsumas or tangerines...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Can a woman be born with a penis? No comment. But I

do know, just like men, they CAN be dicks...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Whitehall now recognises 100 GENDERS!

What a load of absolute BOLLOCKS.

Or vaginas. 

Fuck knows...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

(Laugh? Tears are running down my trousers. At least

I think they're tears. At my age, you can never be sure)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

              💓

--------------------------

                I

A DOOR HANDLE'S

    WATER MUSIC

---------------------------

              💓

----------------------------------

THE DAMP COURSE - soup...

------------------------------------------------------------------

As an employer, I find job applicants seem to confuse

their CVs with beds these days - so they lie on both...

------------------------------------------------------------------

A STABLE MARRIAGE? - sounds much more fun 

than a church or registry office one...

----------------------------------------------------------------

When we ate out last week, my wife refused to foot

the bill. When I asked her why, she said she wasn't

in the habit of using imperial measurements. But 

she did offer to 30.48 centimeter it...

----------------------------------------------------------------

You know you've drunk too many cocktails when

they find an olive in your urine sample...

----------------------------------------------------------

Sink it, don't drink it...

******************************

In snooker, if a 

red ball is potable, you

don't HAVE to drink it... 

******************************

('A drop of the (very) hard stuff': 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

RED, WHITE AND BLOOMERS - what my wife says she will 

be wearing to celebrate the Jubilee... #ThreeKnickerAPair

(You asked for a pants joke - well, this one's pants)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Dame Deborah James Rose: "what rose by any other name

could smell as sweet?... @bowelbabe

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why settle for seventh heaven when you could be on cloud

nine?... (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 27)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course I know the difference between a pie and a tart.

Mary Berry torte me...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 10)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Gnome more gnome jokes!...

*****************************************************

"I can't stand my mum's

garden gnomes" - "Why not?" - "'Cos they've

got no bloody feet!"...

*****************************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

A rebel is someone who behaves when told not to...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"My favourite book? A Farewell to Arms"... said Venus de Milo.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The main reason there's nothing wrong with Ricky Gervais' humour is

that it comes from a good place.       Hampstead.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cost of living crisis really seems to be getting to my dentist. As

he's checking my gums, all I hear is "recession, recession, recession"...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The winning show garden at the Chelsea Flower Show was wild.

So, too, I'm told, were the exhibitors who lost out...

#A(Beaver)DamGoodGarden

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

£90 fine? Egg hurler ends up with egg on face. Must have been a strong wind.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Good news! Marcus Rashford will soon have a better half! It's been quite

a while since he's enjoyed a good half, let alone a whole 90 minutes...

#RashfordEngagement

(Someone tell him a match made in heaven lasts more than 90 minutes)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson: THE MAN WHO PUTS THE 'CON' INTO CONTRITION. 

You can con some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some 

of the time, but you cannot con all of the people all of the time... 

#TreatingUsWithCONtempt

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FRENCHSHIP...

**********************************

MON AMI - My friend.

TON AMI - Your friend.

SON AMI - His friend.

NOTRE AMI - Our friend,

VOTRE AMI - Your friend.

TSUN AMI - Nobody's friend.

**********************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Was there dancing, Prime Minister? "No. There was a certain 

amount of moving to music. I didn't consider that to be dancing."

You couldn't make it up (though I just did)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is it with the USA and guns? The very word 'America'

should come with a trigger warning. And they call themselves

a civilised society... #NRAmorons

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

'TORY MPs' - if that's not an anagram of 'AMOEBAS', then it

bloody well should be... #JohnsonOut #NoBackbone

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Do not resuscitate...

*******************************

"Can you tell me what

you think of CPR?" - "Huh!

Don't get me started!"...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

The GRIM REAPERcussions of Sue Gray's report:

       

              THE DEATH OF INTEGRITY

                             

                                RIP

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I was nearly eaten by a crocodile once, but managed to

escape. My sister wasn't so lucky: an allig-ate-'er...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

To you and me, football's a game of two halves. To an

alcoholic, it's at least two or three pints and a chaser...

#TheFirstHalfAlwaysTastesBest

--------------------------------------------------------------------

THE WAR OF THE ROSÉS - as far as I'm concerned, the

cheapest one always wins... #UnlessItLosesItsBottle

------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank God I wasn't a pain the arse...

***********************************

"You're a pain in the

neck," said my chiropractor.

But he soon fixed it...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, but I've got no time for the Chairman and Chief Executive

of the English Heritage Trust. A plaque on both their houses!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My attraction to abstract art: the more strangely drawn it is, 

the more strangely drawn I am...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 24)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damn! My dentist is now going private, too. So if anyone ever 

sees him looking down in the mouth in future, you can be pretty 

sure it won't be MY mouth. I'm NHS...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To save money, I no longer pay anyone a visit. I just visit. Saves

a fortune... #CostOfLivingCrisis

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Making friends - by hand...

***********************************

Geppetto loved to

make friends. Pinocchio was

the best one he'd made.

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

KORMA SUTRA - self-help manual for those who don't

like it hot?... #SomeLikeItMild

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who knew? It seems suffering abuse as a child can lead

to an inability to answer straightforward questions in later

life. My sympathies to Nadhim Zahawi... #SophyRidge

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are at least two trillion Galaxies out there, according

to Brian Cox. "Bloody hell, no wonder there's an obesity

crisis". (I'm more of a Mars man myself, but I gather there's

only one of those left, sadly) #GalaxyBar #MarsBar

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sardines in cans?...they look delicious!

Actresses in Cannes?...they look ridiculous...

Who wouldn't rather be dressed in oil than in some of those

so-called 'designer' outfits?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

And don't forget the tomato Suppé!...

************************************

If music really

is the food of love, add some

to my Chopin Liszt...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Risky business, taking an Eton Mess to Downing Street, Jamie.

If Boris had seen it, you'd have been left with a half-Eaten one!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If money-saving expert Martin Lewis really is 'virtually out of

tools, maybe Boris Johnson could lend him a few, seeing as he's

got quite a few in his Cabinet...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wetting the (flower?) bed...

**************************************

"Weed my plants, darling".

"Did you, dear? Never mind. I'll

put them in the wash"...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

When I was rich, skipping ropes helped me keep my

weight down. Now I'm poor, skipping meals has the 

same effect...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Self-driving buses by 2025? Buses that are driverless

in cities that are riverless? Is that where we're heading? 

What price technological progress in the face of 

unremitting global warming? Scary, indeed...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

                                               -------------------------------------

                                                    OR IS IT THE BB Sea?...

                                               -------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George Bush excuses his many slip-ups these days by saying "hey, 

I'm 75". I dare say that accounts for (the even older) Joe Biden's 

actions, too. Not sure what excuse Boris Johnson has...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Balenciaga trainers designed to look filthy cost £1,290. That's dirt expensive....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GABERDEEN - Scottish comedians have the best material!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you think an ageing artist would most like to draw?

"A pension, I imagine"...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between myself and a nurse? While a nurse

tends to her patients all day, I tend to...(stay IN) my bed all day.

#DeadpanHumour #BedpanHumour

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Partygate inquiry: Boris Johnson: "I'm very grateful to the Met for the

work they've done"... Yeah, right. What a LIARbility [sic - to death of him]

this man is. Both to his Party and the country (as history will one day show)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Steptoe & (No) Sun...

************************************

Tanning salons: 'stay

a shade longer, leave a shade

darker'. You're welcome...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

THE ABDOMINAL SNOWMAN - Yeti with a six-pack...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote a book on my grandfather last year. "Wouldn't it 

have been easier on paper?"...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Can you smell petrol?" - "Yes. P-E-T-R-O-L"...

************************************

Snout, conk or hooter:

a nose by any other 

name would spell as sweet...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

They've just opened a heavy petting zoo round our way. Adults

only, by all accounts...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yet another sex scandal. Obviously a member of the predaTORY

PARTY. Just when you thought the bar couldn't get any lower...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vardy v Rooney, Court 13: I wonder if Court 13 at Wimbledon 

this year will offer quite as much entertainment as the ongoing 

Wagatha Christie trial?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Given the way Amber Heard's court case is going, I'm not sure

if she's being represented by a barrister or a barista!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Curiosity - it's a GOOD thing, right?...

 *************************************************************

"When were children invented, dad?"

"1792, son"

"You don't mind me asking, do you, dad?"

"Course not. How else you going to learn, boy?"...

*************************************************************

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had to take my homework to the vet yesterday. It was covered in

ticks. "Is it bad?" I asked. "No," he exclaimed, "it's excellent!"...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fire an incompetent circus clown? "Out of a cannon, presumably"...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ALBUMEN WANTED - TV quiz show seeks male Caucasian eggheads...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Feeding your kids lobster risotto with samphire? That's nuts. 

But not just any nuts, presumably. Kurrajong nuts from the 

Australian Kurrajong tree (Brachychiton populenus). 

No way they'd eat peanuts...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So now a black Dr Who is going to have a trans sidekick?

What's the betting they're about to be joined by a couple

more physically and mentally-challenged companions? How soon before being an able-bodied, straight Caucasian

becomes an actual crime?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Mail Finance has just sent me an 'exclusive invite to our

new webinar'. Not sure I should put my faith in anyone

who doesn't understand the meaning of the word 'exclusive'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prefer your pet to your partner (Mail)? My sister doesn't: she

loves her German shepherd. Married him three years ago.

He's bilingual, too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations to Jake Daniels on coming out as the UK's

only gay active male professional footballer. How soon before

another player comes out as the first one to be openly greedy,

empty-headed or work-shy?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Football Tennis. Wow, Jake Daniels' coming out really is a game-changer!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Making a meal of cosmetic surgery...

****************************************************

FORKing out to go under the

KNIFE doesn't mean you'll end up

SPOONing a better man. On the contary...

****************************************************

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Laura Robson says she feels at peace with the hand that life 

dealt her. Of course she does - because the hand wasn't the

problem. It was the hip. Just saying... #LauraRobsonRetires

------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Nick Ferrari was well-named - half his interviews are car 

crashes. Not so, Rachel?... #RachelMacLean

----------------------------------------------------------------------

No wonder only 1 in 20 car thefts lead to a suspect being 

charged: there just aren't enough charging points!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When he eventually retires from politics, having proven all his

doubters wrong by defeating CAPTAIN HINDSIGHT to secure at

least four more years as PM, I reckon Boris Johnson will have earned

the right to call his eventual biography THE FORESIGHT SAGA...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Turns out speciality meats are pretty expensive, too...

***********************

WATER BILL,

ELECTRICITY BILL,

GAS BILL,

BUFFALO BILL...

***********************

Think I'll go back to lamb...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Liverpool fans faithfully cheering their team, then

booing Prince William and the National Anthem?

A clear case of good Kop/bad Kop...

----------------------------------------------------------------

The NHS requires major surgery. If it has to wait too

long, like the rest of us, will it decide to go private?

----------------------------------------------------------------

Maggie Thatcher's Grantham statue is egged! "What 

makes you think it was us?" ask a couple of shifty-

looking albumen... #AlbumenBehavingBadly

---------------------------------------------------------------

Vardy v Rooney, Court 13: why only on one

of the outside courts? More of a Centre Court 

match, I'd have thought... #Anyone4Tennis?

--------------------------------------------------------

Minnie Driver wrote last week of how loving a pig

had put her right off bacon. I felt the same about

my girlfriend. Any thoughts of cannibalism went

straight out the window...

#WereHavingTheVicarForTea #WithChips

------------------------------------------------

Wow, it takes about TEN BBC RUNNERS to earn

as much as ONE BBC WALKER - if his name's Dan. 

------------------------------------------------

Yes, I've got a plum job. But Charlie Mullins' 

is plumber. It's all relative, I guess...

#PimlicoPlumbers

---------------------------------------------------

It was never really a problem for Keir Starmer to set 

the morality bar so high. He knew he had a morality 

bar stool to match. St Keir? I don't think so. 

#SanMiguel

---------------------------------------------------

(First-class post) traumatic stress disorder...

****************************************

"Wow, someone else has

got the same postcode as you!" -

"NE1 1NO?"...

****************************************

('Anyone I know': 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've never hacked off ANY cheese when working from home,

thank you very much, Boris. The only thing I seem to have

hacked off is YOU, seeing as you think I ought to go back to

working at the office. No pleasing some people...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations, Celtic. I fear your cross-city rivals will now

be even crosser...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vardy v Rooney, Court 13: I have to say, I'm not sure if this

year's Wimbledon will offer anything as entertaining as this.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The family tree (well, bush, to be exact): to celebrate the 

Jubilee, the Daily Mail today is offering a FREE Queen 

Elizabeth II rose. A unique rose with only two pricks on it, 

apparently. To commemorate Andrew and Harry, I imagine. 

Nice touch. Talk about a rose between two thorns...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rebekah Vardy & Coleen Rooney: talk about putting the 'us'

into 'vacuous'. I wonder what the inspirational Dame

Deborah James makes of it all. She'd probably tell me off

for being so critical of others. Life, eh?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

For a David Beckham stalker to claim she's the mum of 

Harper's bizarre. (Not her magazine of choice, I suspect)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Jemma Melvin: a woman not to be trifled with gets 

her just desserts. Smiles all round! #JubileePudding

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Surely a delicious Eton Mess would be the perfect jubilee

dessert? (I've never yet seen one left un-Eton!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Bolton is in my blood," said Amir Khan. "I wondered 

what it was," said the haematologist, "but a couple of 

years in London should soon clear it up"...

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Knight knight, luv"...

***********************************

A night in shining 

armour's far less comfy than

one in pyjamas... 

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------

iPod, therefore iAm...no more. RIP.

(Apple has retired the iPod)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

£1290 for a brand new pair of 'filthy' Balenciaga trainers?

Not exactly 'dirt' cheap...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two years for Hankey-panky. Should have been more.

#TedHankeyJailed

-----------------------------------------------------------------

ROGOF (Read One, Get One Free)

************************************************

------------------------------------------------

Of course pencils are useful, but there's

not much point in blunt ones...

------------------------------------------------

I've just read a short story by 'His Nibs'.

Must be a pen name...

------------------------------------------------ 

************************************************

---------------------------------------------------------------

--------- TELEVANGELISTS BELIEVE IN GO(L)D --------- 

What does that mean?  It means they believe ingot.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If any company should be subject to a windfall tax, surely it's Apple?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call someone who has to check the labels on

whisky bottles? -  "A 40% proofreader?"...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Prince Harry tries his hand at acting,' read the headline. Looked

more like he was trying his elbow. "Don't give up the day job, 

Harry". Oh, I see you already have...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unfortunately, due to a lack of mobility, the Queen won't be

attending most of the Jubilee festivities. 

Ditto the Duke of York, but in his case, it's a lack of NObility...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

As easy as (Pi?)...

********************************************************

"Pi = 3.Crewe, Leeds, York, Bath, Poole, Perth, 

Slough, Ayr, Rhyl, Sale, Neath, Deal, Blyth"...

"What the f*ck's that, dad?"...

"It's the value of Pi to thirteen places, son"...

********************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the name of our band? LUMBAGO! (Check out our bad back catalogue) 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Want to know my grandad's nightly ritual? He eats faggots and pees...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a Warhol portrait can fetch £158m, why can't my dog even fetch a stick?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a shot Marilyn can fetch £158m, I can't help but wonder how much 

a bullet-damaged 'Ukraine War'hol would sell for...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"A cow cycles every three weeks, like a person," Countryfile's Adam

Henson informs us. Where do they cycle? To and from the cow shed?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Wagatha trial hears about the back-stabbing world of the Wags' (Mail).

Oh well, at least they only stab the backs. The forwards obviously get

away with it...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seeing red (or is it green?)

***********************************

Telling blue jokes or

white lies doesn't come easy

to the colour blind...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

FINE(D) DINING? - will someone be getting a Fixed

Penalty Notice?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

In today's State Opening of Parliament, the part of 'The 

Queen' will be played by Prince Charles. Bugger! I paid 

good money to see this - can I get a refund?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

RIP, Denis Waterman. The exact opposite of nominative 

determinism: he was most definitely a lager or bitter man.

There goes more of my past...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ordering a curry may not be 'fine dining' exactly, but may

yet turn out to be 'fined dining' for some... #Starmer

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 12)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

So the BBC is to spend a massive £50million finding out

what the hell viewers want?. Never mind the Baftas, this

is worthy of a bloody Dafter!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ha(ra)m radio...

***********************************

I'm a great fan of 

ham radio. My girlfriend's 

not, though - she's Muslim...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------

Throw the book at litter louts and you know

they'll just leave it lying there...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course a female Dr Who had to be followed by a black

Dr Who. What next? A mentally-challenged Dr Who?

Travelling in a Retardis? Imagine the outrage...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Infamy, infamy, the Mail's got it in for me,"cries Sir Keir.

Serious political debate, or the latest Curry On film? I'm

beginning to wonder...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Idenkitty crisis...

****************************************

If my cat ISN'T

a spring chicken, how come she's

laid so many eggs?...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Right now, I'm not even sure if a spell in an Intensive 

Keir Unit would be enough to save the Leader of the 

Opposition's political future...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dare I suggest that Tam Fry, spokesperson for the 

National Obesity Forum, change his name to Tam 

Grill? What sort of example is he setting?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

So the BBC is offering US recruits free Peloton classes?

Sounds ideal for those wanting to go nowhere fast!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hollywood stars are stunning women. The Taliban are also

now stunning women. We live in a sick world. #Tasers

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Crown Netflix's Diana Britain's wackiest dresser? Why not?

If only to see what she'd wear to her own Corrination!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I wonder if Baked Beans are Prince Haricot's favourite, 

too. What with his red hair, an' all... #Camilla

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Sorry," said my psychiatrist, "I'm not raising my prices,

but I can only give you 45 minutes a session now". F*ck! 

That really IS shrinkflation... #DontCallUsShrinks

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Sinn Fein win, Unionists IRAte. When will it ever end?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Surprise, surprise: the new Dr Who is black. Was Ncuti Gatwa

as close as the programme makers could get to their intended

target of a gay, black, physically disabled actor? Nothing

against Ncuti, but all this absurd 'wokery' does no one any

favours, least of all Ncuti himself...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Hollywood: Botox & the cult of youth...

************************************

The more lines you've got

on your face, the fewer lines

you'll get in the script...

************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 20: 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

'Boris is the most successful leader we've had in decades'

(Platell's People). I wonder when it was exactly that the

Daily Mail ceased to be a serious newspaper?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Fame at last! My breakfast's being cerealised! But my

wife's the only one who'll be watching - closely! She's

banned me from having a full English till I lose at least

twenty kilos...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson is basically a dishonest man. Starmer

is not. Big difference. If anyone should resign, it's

Johnson. Nothing to do with politics, everything to

do with integrity...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Winston Churchill v. Boris Johnson...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

1940: Britain's finest hour - World War II

2021: Britain's fines hour - fixed penalty notices galore.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

So, yes, I guess Johnson CAN be compared to Churchill.

=======================================================

Maida Hill dominoes players Maida lotta noise. That's not aloud!

=======================================================

The Queen may have mobility issues, but they are as nothing

compared to Harry and Andrew's nobility ones...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rush into marriage with a totally unsuitable rogue? It'll be a 

long time before Petra Ecclestone pulls a Stunt like that again.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

They may well make up a quarter of branded litter, but Coke,

Pepsi and Heineken don't have to be thrown away to be called

'litter'. They're rubbish anyway. Ask any nutritionist...

#ForServicesToOBEsity

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

======================================

"Do you suffer from poor flow?" asked my

urologist. "Sure do," I replied. "She shouts at

me every time I walk past her bloody house -

same as she does with everybody. She's 86,

you know. Poor Flo"...

======================================

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If peas and broccoli really can cut the risk of dementia, my

grandad should be OK: he eats broccoli and pees all the time...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

According to Amber Heard, living with Johnny Depp was like

living with a time bomb. Talk about domestic...tic...tic...violence!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First Chris Rock, now Dave Chappelle. Remember the good old

days, when jokes used to end with a punchline, not a punch-up?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will Boris Johnson's ability to lie prove to be a 

political liarbility? We'll find out soon enough...

#LocalElections2022

------------------------------------------------------------

I always felt Maradona was the sort of guy who'd 

give you the shirt off his back if necessary. Didn't 

realise he'd want £7.1million for it, mind...

------------------------------------------------------------

Dostoevski for dummies...

****************************************

RHYME and PUN-ishment:

it was called 'high TREES'ON for

a REASON: hanging!...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Even vegans were delighted to see Susanna Reid make

mincemeat of Boris Johnson on GMB. (Hope they donated

it to a food bank)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ronnie O'Sullivan was on fire at the Crucible this week.

But they carried on playing, apparently. Turned out not to

be too serious, and he ended up winning the title, in fact.

Congratulations, champ...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Can barrel organists only play music by Handel?

--------------------------------------------------------------

£60 chickens? The price isn't poultry, and the taste 

is fowl. I'll pass, thanks...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

CURRY KNIGHT - Sir Keir spotted tucking into an Indian

-------------------------------------------------------------------

They see you, they saw you...

**********************************

Lumberjacks are so

attractive, no wonder trees

keep falling for them...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does Ronnie O'Sullivan need cotton buds, anyway?

He always seems to be having problems with his cue-tips.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why was there always a long cue outside the Ladies' toilets at

the Snooker World Championship? Whose could it have been?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, but compared to Boris Johnson's ever-lengthening

list of transgressions, 'Beergate' is exactly that: small beer.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

When asked if any rules had been broken with regard to a

certain big curry order, Sir Keir replied: 'naan whatsoever'.

Good to know...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Cut the chat," I said to my barber. "What? As WELL as

your hair,?" he replied, "I'll have to charge you double!"...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

ANTONYM & CLEOPATRA - opposites attract...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 28)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

If paying £300-a-head for your meal (excluding drinks) 

doesn't leave you with a bad taste in your mouth, there's 

something wrong with YOU, not your food...

#MichelinPomposity #FoodPoverty

----------------------------------------------------------------------

PAX A PUNCH - what a (paci)fist does...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I asked the doctor for something to put the zip back in my

life, but he told me to button it...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

SOAR POINT - a rocket's launch pad...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

UNWANTED INTRUDER FOUND IN WINDSOR CASTLE!

Wow, is that what they're calling Prince Andrew these days?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not sure which gets you in more trouble these days:

trying to defile a woman, or trying to define one...

#SomeoneWhoDoesTheCleaning

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I never really took to Anne Robinson on Countdown. To be 

quite honest, I found her a bit of a (consonant, vowel, consonant,

consonant, consonant)

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 6)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bit of a bad spell?...

****************************************

"Cuff...cuff...cuff..." Sounds like

daddy's got a pronounced cough

today - pronounced 'cuff'...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

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BORIS BECKER: career win - loss record...

--------------------------------------------- Grass Court..........116 - 25 Hard Court...........219 - 64 Clay Court............120 - 61 Crown Court.........0 - 1 ------------------------------------------------- You're welcome... #FromServingFastToServingTime

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The House of Commons is an elected body consisting

of 650 members. There are three levels of MP: ----------------------- 1) The Right Honourable, 2) The Honourable, 3) Other (the likes of Boris Johnson and Neil Parish, etc (too numerous to mention) ---------------------- #NoShame

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'Show us the proof!' screamed the headline. Hey, no need to shout

- it's there, on the bottle: 5%. What further proof do you want?...

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London Vitality 10,000: first across the line was Cross. SECOND

ACROSS THE LINE WAS ALSO CROSS. He thought he should

have won... 1) Ellis Cross, 2) Mo Farah...

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What a funny chapati you are!...

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"I really hate these

Indian flatbreads, mate. No

offence" - "Naan taken"...

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(17 Syllables)

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Grab your coat, you've pulled! Most people dream of being 

pulled by a beautiful woman. Not Neil Parish. Seems he'd

rather be pulled by a tractor...

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How the hell can you land on a porn site when searching

for tractors? What was the site? www.cuntryfile.co.uk?...

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Grass courts, hard courts and clay courts may never have 

been a problem for Boris Becker. But Crown Courts? Far 

tougher, sadly...

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You know you're getting old when you're asked if you

fancy a roll in the hay and you're not sure whether to

go for bacon or sausage...

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Covid PPE contracts: where there's muck there's bras. #MichelleMone

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Porn-watching MP Neil Parish has had the whip suspended. Got 

him quite excited, apparently. It was probably the same whip they'd 

used in one of those videos...

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I, too, once landed inadvertently on a porn site while searching

for machinery. I was laying our driveway and needed a compactor

for my hardcore. I can see what happened now, but my wife took

some convincing... #HardcorePorn

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Not only have Norfolk Police been issued with a list of 37 

gender terms and sexual identities, but the Norfolk Broads 

must now be referred to as Women...

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Bloody hell! £40 million to stay on in the US? I guess it really 

must be the Corden Bleu of late night TV chat shows!...

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If it's true the show is to be axed, it looks like Gordon Ramsay's Future 

Food Stars' main task was be help cook the great man's goose...

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Camilla on the Vogue front cover? When it comes to getting 

the British public to swallow the fact she'll be a future Queen 

Consort, I wouldn't be surprised if an Enninful of sugar helps 

the medicine go down!...

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'When you're young, with zero self-esteem, a single 

sentence can derail you,' writes Liz Jones (You magazine). 

Especially when the sentence is two and a half years. 

Just ask Boris Becker, who's neither young, NOR lacking 

in self-esteem.

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As Alexandra Shulman says, women losing access 

to their hormone replacement therapy is no trivial 

matter. To suggest otherwise would be totally HRTless. 

I can tell by the look on my beloved's face! My bad.

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