Everything in moderation...

************************************

For people with a 

good lot of fat, most diets do

a fat lot of good... 

************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man United? Men United, more like - united in shame, 

hopefully. How many more allegations against members of 

their squad, past and present? Yes, allegations only. But 

there's no smoke without ire - the ire of countless accusers.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Never mind the Baftas, seeing as he's so good in The

Responder, could Martin be made a Freeman of the City?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"All a-bard!"...Cunard / RSC link-up...

**********************************

Shakespeare on the Queen

Mary? Might the passengers

get RSC-sick?...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let Them Eat Cake? Maybe a more appropriate Royal Jubilee 

motto for Carole Middleton's 'Party Pieces' company to adopt 

would be 'Let Them Eat MOUNTBATTENBERG Cake!'...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

How long will this f***ing turbulence last?...

If Britain's a jet plane (to quote Michael Gove) then it's

important that the left wing and the right wing work 

together to propel it onwards and upwards. Polarisation 

will be the death of us...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

70 bongs to mark the Queen's reign, you say? Cool,

man. Any idea who the designated smokers will be?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

It's about time certain university academic 'woke warriors'

were brought to book! ANY book! (But preferably one

they've got issues with: Oliver Twist, Great Expectations,

Jane Eyre, whatever). Enough is enough!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I refuse to let my life be ruled by my horroscope [sic

...of all the bad luck it's been bringing me!]

------------------------------------------------------------------

I fear recent ill-conceived changes to the Highway

Code are going to drive certain motorists round the

bend - straight into the path of oncoming traffic!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

What a brick Michael Gove is! But is a brick enough 

to reinforce Boris's Red wall? I fear not...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

As regards Boris's tenure as PM, I fear the end is NI.

His National Insurance hike could well be the last straw.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The BOM movement...

*************************************

Black Olives Matter:

You can't make salads without

'em! (Well, not Greek ones.)

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote a poem about Prince Andrew once. It used to 

have a title, but it doesn't now...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Cressida Dick - head of the Metropolitan Police...

unlike other aquatic plants, Watercressida can often 

be found in hot water. Regarded by some as a bit of  

a weed. (Fam: TOP BRASSicaceae).

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I hope Mickey's happy with the makeover given to his

sweetheart Minnie by Stella McCartney's eponymouse

fashion house, haha...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Now Minnie's got herself a smart new suit, will Mickey 

be popping along to Savile Rodent himself?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wordle, 5 letters, ends in ___'ID': "SAJID?...JAVID?

...COVID? ...arrghh! I give up. I've no idea...this game's

enough to make anyone livid!"... Doh!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The Therouxs...

************************************

How long should an in-

depth interview with a deep-

sea diver last, dad?...

************************************

Why not just wait till he comes to the surface?...

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

How many shades of Gray is it? Fifty-ONE, apparently,

when it comes to Sue - A SHADE LONGER! That's how

long we have to wait for her report...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost half of the UK's cats are obese and need to go on

a diet, vets have warned (news item). What's more, 600

of them are vastly overpaid with salaries of over £150,000.

These are known as the WHITEHALL fat cats...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If he's found to have broken the law, will the man who 

said "total rhubarb!" get his just desserts and be taken 

into custardy?...

(Not so much 'coarse' language as 'sweet course' language?)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

NAVAL-GAZING - reviewing the fleet...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

When Boris leaves office, maybe he can go into 

business with James Dyson selling moral vacuums?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Bugger! I was desperate for some whole grain bread this

morning, but all Waitrose had in stock was something

called 'Vollkornbrot'. I guess I'll have to do without...

(Rye humour - not quite the same as corn)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm pig sick of it all...

****************************

Pork pie plotters, pork

barrel politics, porky 

pies from the PM...

****************************

...well, if I'm NOT pig sick of it all, I've certainly got a beef with it!...

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The difference between Adele and Ken Dodd? Adele's

motto these days seems to be "must the show go on?"

while Ken Dodd's was always "the show MUST go on

...and on...and on...and on"... God rest his soul.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

DEEP SEA DIVA - Adele can't reach the high C's...

-----------------------------------------------------------

If Westminster is the mother of all parliaments, 

let's just be grateful that Boris isn't the father. 

There'd be no getting rid of him!

------------------------------------------------------------------

The Land of the Long White Cloud has become the 

Land of the Long DARK one: sad, but true - lockdown-

loving Lefties are turning married couples in New 

Zealand into miserable 'His and Her'mits...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

How many users will be attracted to Katie Price's tacky

OnlyFans site? If poetic justice has anything to do with it

the answer would be "NUN!" Avoid religiously...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 31)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

My response to Boris Johnson's denial that he was in any

way involved in the evacuation of dogs from Afghanistan?

"KABULSHIT!"...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"A lawyer, not a leader," says Boris of Sir Keir. Better 'a

lawyer, not a leader' than a LIAR, not a leader, Boris,"

say I. Now piss off out of here...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Who knew? Turns out Watergate was just a non-

alcoholic precursor of Boris's Winegate...

----------------------------------------------------------

No 10's 'fine wine' - drink the wine, pay the fine!...

*****************************

A birthday party

at No 10? I wonder

who'll Carrie the can?...

*****************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris has apparently told friends he can't wait to draw a line

under the 'partygate' scandal. "Draw a line - or SNORT a line, 

Boris?" The police are investigating...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

You can't beat a red, white and blue drinks party! We had 

one yesterday: bought loads of red and loads of white and 

blue our budget, haha...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

APPLE CORPS - Granny Smith's old regiment?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

If Trump runs for President, will Melania run for the hills?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These aren't just any canapés, they're Chef Blanc's tin can-apés!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BIDET - two days before D-Day.

--------------------------------------

Silly old trout...

****************************************

"I'm going fishing, mum.

Catch you later" - "Not with that

net you won't," she scoffed...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------

RIN TIN TIN - two cans of dog food...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I hear the words 'Nadine Dorries' and 'Government' in

the same sentence, I can't help but worry about our country's

direction of travel...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

CORRIEANDER - herb used in the Rovers Return hot pots...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BURLY HORSE TRIALS - time for the shire horses to have their day!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HORRORSCOPE - let's just say it's not looking good...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

ADELE-ESCENT BEHAVIOUR - stage fright, by any other name?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Westminster is the mother of all parliaments, let's 

just be grateful that Boris isn't the father. There'd be 

no getting rid of him!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Never mind the poor woman who feels she's

being scalded by cold water, or Bill Oddie who

suffers from auditory hallucinations - I seem to

be suffering from a mixture of BOTH conditions:

I keep being scolded by HOT water - when I

know I've done nothing wrong!...

------------------------------------------------------

I think I'll try the Pi...

***************************************

兀 AND CHIPS - special

offer for those who love maths:

£3.141...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

After so many problems, I'm pretty sure Adele's Las Vegas

concerts will be her Last Vegas concerts...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cladding panels have got it tough - they've always got their

backs to the wall...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world...

-------------------------------------------

Would you believe it! A popular abstract artist who drew three

deep breaths this morning has already sold two of them as non-

fungible tokens!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aged 92, a popular abstract artist drew a line under his career

last week. Drew it so well, in fact, it sold it for a massive

£10,000. (Now his family can't wait for him to draw his final

breath - "that'll probably make a f***ing fortune, too!" they say)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 G <---------------------------- & ----------------------------> T

             YIPPEE! The end of Covid restrictions!

        No more socially distanced G&Ts! Can't wait!

===============================================

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is a lightning conductor someone who can get an orchestra

through Chopin's Minute Waltz in 30 seconds?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 2)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is Phillip Schofield really the Scarlet Pimpernel hiding in plain

sight? 'We see him here, we see him there, we f***ing see him 

everywhere!' (The missing k's have more than likely linked up 

with the thousands of other k's he's just earned while I've been

writing this!) (Then again, if he really is like Marmite, the 

thinner he's spread, the better, I suppose)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pork pie plotters, pork barrel politics, porky pies from the PM:

I'm pig sick of it all!... (Is that the same as 'having a beef' with it, haha?)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nusrat Ghani: sacked for being a Muslim? Pork pie plots, pork

barrel politics, porky pies from the PM - it's not exactly hard to

see why 'muslimness' doesn't fit in...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Cruise ships might soon be allowed to stage weddings? "Yippee!

Looks like it'll be 'love, honour and a bay of your choice,' darling!"

- "How about Naples?"...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some like IT hot: my laptop's right next to the radiator!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You may like to write about everything, but that doesn't mean

you're right about everything, Piers. Just happens that this time 

you are. Law of averages, I guess...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Fast 800 Keto diet: seems Michael Mosley has solved the 'heat

or eat' diemma in this age of soaring energy bills: BURN FAT! -

without going hungry! Why didn't I think of that?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Caught on Covideo...

********************************************

Cases plummet at

Heathrow! (Those baggage handlers

should take more care)

********************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

A new Bake Off musical? Hope the actors won't be

wiping their hands on the apron stage!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

How times have changed. The grand old Duke of 

York, he had ten thousand men. Andrew? He makes 

do with seventy-two teddy bears...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Bloody hell, not another Biden gaffe. No wonder his 

staff call him the gaffer!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Now chemists can help us to lose weight? Great! I

could do with some pharmassistance!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Just as music continues to be the food of love, so I'll

continue to crave a bit of Meat Loaf. RIP...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

MACADEMIA - welcome to the world of the nutty professor!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It looks like the Peloton exercise equipment company is 

going nowhere fast. Which is pretty much what customers 

on their bikes try to do, ironically...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

('Forget Scott and Bailey, think Crook and Bailey' letter,

Weekend magazine, January 22) £50 STAR LETTER! (God knows why)

So bland (and edited), I can't even bother to reproduce it. But I'll take it!

That's £70 now. Can I call this a paying hobby yet?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Are fighter pilots fly-weights?...

*****************************************

For fighter pilots

to land a punch, how long would

runways have to be?...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

David Beckham can design as many hotel suites as he 

wants, but I won't be staying in any of them. At £600-

a-night, I don't have that much of a suite tooth...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Poor old Boris, he just can't stop lying. And even when 

he can't be seen, you know he's just lying...low.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

MÉNAGE ARTOIS - cohabitees with a shared passion for Stella 🥂

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I come from Bury South, not to praise him," says Christian

'Mark Antony' Wakeford - then crosses the floor when he

Caesar vacant spot behind Sir Keir. Great lover of the Classics,

is Boris. Maybe not quite so much now...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, no, Bono!...

*******************************

Bono doesn't like 

the name U2? Why didn't

he tell us B4?...

*******************************

(News item yesterday: 17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Caught on Covideo: Cases are plummeting at Heathrow! 

(Those baggage handlers should really take more care)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

COUP DE GRASS - time to cut the lawn...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Neo-Nazi initially sentenced to read Jane Austen. Then

they throw book at him (one of the classics, I hope) - 2

years in one of Her Majesty's best cellars, haha...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I may be old, but I still don't need glasses! 

(I prefer to swig straight from the bottle)

----------------------------------------------------

'Pork Pie' plotters seek new PM. Must be 

able to cut the mustard, haha...

------------------------------------------------------

The difference between Boris Johnson and 

a pork pie? A pie is in hot water crust pastry. 

And Boris? He's just in hot water...

--------------------------------------------------------------

David Davis shooting himself in the foot gives Boris

a shot in the arm. Should've gone to Specsavers...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Fashion NFTs? The very definition of 'non-fun', I'd have thought.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Soaring energy prices...

**************************************

TV license fee

frozen for two years? Me, too!

Heating's f***ing dear!...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

So Bono doesn't like the name U2. Why didn't he tell us B4?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

When did my mum and dad separate? Straight after my 

conception - drenched in sweat! (I don't just come from 

a broken home - I come from a broken bed!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I asked a local builder for a quote recently. "Ask 

not what your country can do for you, ask for a 

cuppa every two hours," came the reply...

------------------------------------------------------------------

When putsch comes to shove, do the Pork Pie plotters

really want to risk losing their seats to Labour?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do so many people get their knickers in a twist

about having to wear a mask? Instead of fining them, 

how about GETTING THEM to wear their knickers 

in a twist? I'm all for compromise...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Djokovic appeal rejected...

****************************************

"Djokovictory

is ours!" came the cry - from the 

many who've suffered...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

LOCKGOWN - that's 'pyjamas', to you and me...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 18)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I complained about the exorbitant cost of some

exquisite wallpaper recommended by Laurence Llewelyn

-Bowen, the salesperson tore me off a strip. "On the house,"

he said, dismissively. Not on my house, chum...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tip-and-rum?...

-------------------

Why is the England Twenty20 cricket team always tipsy?

Because they play under the influence of Captain Morgan!

(As for the Test team - Root beer only. That right, Joe?)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

GB News to play the National Anthem every morning? I

won't stand for it! (Well, not if I'm still in bed)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

BESOM DORMA - sweeps all before it in annual 'most

popular aria' awards...

------------------------------------------------------------------

If resigning from the House of Commons is a piece of

cake, why isn't it called 'taking the Chiltern Hundreds

and Thousands'?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

THE REITH WREATH LECTURES - a talk on the

demise of the BBC...

--------------------------------------------------------

                            "Hello, is that you, Boris? Listen, mate, your 

                             position's un-Number 10-able, OK? Now just 

                             get the f*** out of our lives. Regards to Carrie"...

---------------------------------------------------

- The Association of Tennis Professionals -

---------------------------------------------------

ROGER FEDERER................poster boy

RAFAEL NADAL...................poster boy

NOVAK DJOKOVIC............imposter boy

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Seeding a tennis player is one thing, ceding a point of 

principle quite another. Tennis Australia has spoken...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Is Boris's Operation Red Meat designed to appease

those who have a beef with him, haha?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Workplace booze ban: No "BOO!"s in the workplace,

Boris? Not even if they come from the Opposition benches?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm pretty sure the next person who accuses Boris Johnson of

just about anything will be given both barrels. Not to mention

half a dozen bottles, a few cans, and anything else left over

from the last office 'business meeting'! Anything to keep them

quiet...  

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

'People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' says Tory MP

Andrew Bridgen of Sir Keir Starmer, who was seen drinking

with colleagues during lockdown. Shouldn't throw parties,

either, presumably?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blair tells us we won't have to call him Sir Tony. Don't worry,

Tony, we most Sir Tainly won't!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Retrievers are fetching...

**********************************

Stupid dog! Every

time I throw a tantrum, she

chases after it...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unlike Liz Jones's gift of a box of matches, I once received

a present of a SINGLE match from my lover. It was inscribed

with our initials and the words 'a match made in heaven'. A

blatant lie - I know for a fact it was made in a factory in Sweden...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry to visit the UK? "Lack of protection stops us coming,"

says Harry. What happens in the bedroom should stay in the

bedroom, if you don't mind my saying so, Harry. Kids doing OK?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The grand old Duke of York, he had ten thousand men. Was

it consensual, or will THEY be suing now, too?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Ashes: Oh well, at least England's batsmen gave 

Australia a run for their money. Just the one. Turns out you 

need hundreds...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holly Willoughby says women shouldn't just be judged

for their wardrobe choices. Holly's prickly. Who knew?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A cabinet reshuffle is definitely called for, Boris. I suggest

you replace the gin, rum and vodka with orange and cola,

for starters. Or get rid of the damned thing altogether...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

'Rotate your kids' toys,' advises Money Mum. I tried, but

it turns out the only one I COULD rotate was their 

spinning top. Any more bright ideas?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

'Djokovictory is ours!' claim all those who have suffered...

----------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Father of 7 fights to save job: Will 'Operation Save Big

Dog' be any more successful than 'Operation Get Big Dog 

Spayed' was? Get the f*** out of our lives, Boris!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A right-back, for sure - but not a far-right-back: has

Gary Neville 'Chamberlain' joined the wrong party?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

'The buck stops here'. Ever heard that expression, Boris?

You're the leader - whoever's at fault, it happened on

YOUR watch. (Even if it IS a Rolex.) Resign!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

emotionally constipated mum...

******************************

my girlfriend finds it 

far easier to express 

milk than her feelings...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson, your position is now un-Number 10-able!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Our dog digs sex - so we got her spade...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Anyone know if Downing Street has already moved 

its 34-bottle fridge to the last chance saloon?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Climate is our main concern, apparently. It's

mine, too: weather or not to get rid of Boris!

------------------------------------------------------------------

GRAVIT-ASS - Boris's equivalent of Winston's gravitas...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Judging by the sparsely attended launch of her new party,

it seems most political commentators see Gina Miller as

more of a Gina Miller Lite. Small beer, by any other name...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Cul-de-SACK!" came the cry. Sorry, Boris,

but it looks like it's the end of the road...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, Boris, old boy. Cockfosters. End of the line.

-------------------------------------------------------------

What do tossers throw? TOSSERS THROW PARTIES! 

Well, the ones at No 10 do...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you rearrange the name 'Dorries', you get 'Desiorr' - which

makes about as much sense as she normally does, I reckon...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're invited, too, Boris...

********************************

Party at mine, now!

It's BYOBB - Bring 

Your Own Bottle Blonde!...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Pop stars turning heartache into hits is no worse

than writers turning suffering into buy-ographies...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 14)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Hope the Chinese haven't infiltrated the PM's country

house, too - they'd have to rename it Chinese Chequers.

The very idea of it!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why are you crying, darling, I thought those were

tearless onions?" - "They are - but they're £1.50 each!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

My sister's just made a pass at a rather hunky rugby 

player - but it was a forward one, so was ruled out...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 13)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Jacob Rees-Mogg, be warned: no one insults Douglas

Ross and gets away Scot-free!...

(PURG-A-TORY - having to listen to Rees-Mogg)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Bugger!...

***********************************

Unfortunately,

when my ship did come in, I

was at the airport...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Shakespeare on the Queen Mary 2? Let's hope the

passengers don't get RSC-sick!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson is so unpopular with his colleagues

right now, Tory backbenchers had to be told PMQs

was NOT a 'bring your own "boo!"s party!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Being a chauvinist has opened lots of doors. So

people can throw me out of them, mainly...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes I think the PM is more interested in

downing pints than Downing Street. A well-educated,

irresponsible buffoon ne'er-do-well... 

(When I say 'sometimes', I mean ALWAYS!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

RADU, CAN U? Win another tournament, I mean. Yes,

you can - all you need is time. Ignore the knockers!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Mother well? Or ill inois?...

**********************************************

"I live in Scotland

now" - "Motherwell?" - "Yes, she's fine.

Thanks for asking, mate"...

**********************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

BJ'S BLOWN IT! (Pun intended). Well, hopefully he has...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It wasn't a party we threw on May 20," claims a Tory spokesman,

"it was a BALL.........for Dilyn to fetch". Dilyn, when asked, said 

he'd leave it for Sue Gray to investigate...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson is rocked by new party revelations - yes,

Jeremy Corbyn is said to be forming another one!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I suspect Boris Johnson doesn't actually like BYOB parties -

he'd much rather attend BYOBB ones - they're much more

fun: Bring Your Own Bottle Blonde!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who said 'Djokovictory is sweet'? Sometimes there are no winners.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I reckon the current Tory mob are better suited to Downing 

Booze than Downing STREET. Shame on them!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What next? A No 10 BYOBB party? (Bring Your Own Bottle Blonde)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sue Gray is asked to investigate yet another party - the one 

Jeremy Corbyn is said to be in the process of forming!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Tories' Boris Johnson: from 'asset' to 'ass' - the decline and 

(hopefully) fall of a right old Eton mess. It didn't take that long, 

all things considered...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#PMQs

This morning I had meetings with ministerial colleagues

and others. In addition to my duties in this House, I shall

have further such meetings later today. Then I'll probably

f*** off somewhere quiet and leave you all to it...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Well, blow me down! (Not sure I could)

************************************

"How big a movie-

goer are you?" I enquired. 

"Nine stone," she replied...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let's hear it for No 10's lying bastards! Three jeers for Boris! 

HYP, HYP...OCRISY!...HYP, HYP...OCRISY!...HYP, HYP...OCRISY!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Do you want the good news or the bad news?" asked 

the doctor. - "Good news, please". - "Well, your dad's 

not hearing voices in his head any more" - "Great! And 

the bad news?" - "He's hearing them in his elbow"...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Trigger warnings? Bambi's mum could have done

with one. I'm still traumatised... BANG!

----------------------------------------------------------

ZENOPHOBE - person who hates foreigners - in

a calm and peaceful manner...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

So many TV chefs' restaurants are going under - maybe they

should have spent more time learning to cook...the books?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I'll try the Pi : 兀 AND CHIPS - special

offer for mathematicians: £3.141592...

---------------------------------------------------------

When batting for England, it's important for

our batsmen to be well-organised...

---------------------------

Hameed................0

Crawley.................0

Root.....................0

Wood....................0

Leach...................0 

Broad...................0

Anderson...............0

----------------------------

...and by that, I obviously mean getting all their

ducks in a row. Well done, lads - job done!...

=================================================

Like many others, I made a New Year's resolution to stop

eating sweet snack foods - but, just as my wife predicted,

I've had to admit to falling off the Wagon Wheel!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

FA Cup: hard work bears fruit! But not quite the right fruit, 

perhaps? Wanting a plum draw, Boreham Wood get the 

Cherries!... (Bournemouth v. Boreham Wood)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Norwich City seem pretty keen on the Government's NET ZERO

strategy. Admittedly, they've netted EIGHT so far - but that's

quite a lot fewer than any other Premier League club!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who can blame Nigel Rees from quitting his long-running panel

game programme 'Quote...Unquote'? Thanks to the BBC's absurd 

diversity obsession, it might just as well be called 'Quota...

Unquote' these days. Pathetic...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Any truth in the rumour wacky Novak Djokovic is now 

contemplating a cutting-edge nuclear power plant-based diet? 

Nothing would surprise me...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If SHE looks good, he looks good and hard...

**********************************

Weird! When women want

a man to notice them, they

apply concealer!...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Being 40's great. It's the only year you can go upstairs 

and have exactly one wink for every year of your life!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Is Boris Johnson's hair part of the Government's

re-wilding project, by any chance?...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Were drinks served at the 'Frosty' reception the

resignation of Boris Jonson's Brexit Minister was

given shortly before Christmas?...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Widely spoken, my arse...

*********************************

Esperanto - a

language, the ignorance of 

which unites nations...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Novak Djokovic's detention has sparked rallies in

Melbourne and Belgrade, apparently. I wonder if

any of them were longer than the one of 54 shots

between Nadal and Djokovic in the 2013 US Open?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

If I were Sue Gray, I'd want the official probe to be tasked

with investigating 10 parties: the four at No 10, the four in

Government departments, the one at Conservative Party

headquarters - and the one led by Boris Johnson that's 

meant to be running the f***ing country!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently it's now been confirmed that any third party

insurance claims by No 10 wouldn't be valid as two of the

parties are now deemed to have been 'business meetings'...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm getting a bit tired of Australian batsmen hitting 4s and 

6s at will. And so is Will, to be honest..

----------------------------------------------------------------------

How many quid in a quid pro quo? Quite a few, I imagine,

if it's the one between Boris and Lord Brownlow...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Should 'TODAY' (with Nick Robinson) be renamed 'TOADY' (to the Left)?..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Reality star made £38,000 a week selling...farts.

********************************

Who the hell knew that

selling farts in a jar could

make you stinking...rich?

********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

FLAT REFURBISHED...FLAT PAID FOR...FLAT BROKE: is

that what Boris feared if he'd had to pay for it all? (No

point asking, there's only be a FLAT DENIAL, haha...)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

'I'd saccharin a trice!' thinks Sugar (Every woman 

contestant) And as for the men - whatever's faster than 

a trice. The Apprentice lives down to expectations...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Will anyone actually trouble the scorer? The Ashes:

they've got all day to bat tomorrow, so I imagine the

England batsmen are busy right now getting all their 

ducks in a row...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Djokovic / Federer / Nadal: he who grates on people most is

undoubtedly 'the gratest', right? So congratulations, Novak...!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

turbot-charged engines?...

***************************************

Fish that can drive? Well,

they are more than welcome to

join our koi carpool!...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

So tennis has line judges and 'out of line' judges, too? And

it seems Djokovic has indeed been deemed out of line...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

NO-VACC DJOKOVID: how strongly will he react 

if spectators start to give him the, er, needle?...

-----------------------------------------------------------

How long does a runway have to be for a fighter

pilot to land a punch safely?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Vegan January? Methinks my son's gone too far: he's

decided to read nothing written by Lamb or Bacon...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Give up on Dry January? NEVER! I'm determined to

drink NOTHING that's not dry - be it wine, sherry or

even the odd martini...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 'Marble Arch Mound' boss got £220,000, apparently. A

steep but undeniably attractive salary for a steep but undeniably 

UNATTRACTIVE project. (Talk about making a mountain out 

of a (much derided) molehill!)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Would Maureen Lipman object to Helen Mirren playing a Jew...

...at tennis?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

No word of a lie. No word at all, in fact...

****************************************

"I can't tell you how 

much I enjoyed that," said the

deaf-mute*. But she tried...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

*('hearing and speech-impaired woman' has WAY 

too many syllables. Feel free to cancel me.)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Of course it's only billionaires who can afford to go

into space - there's no such thing as a free launch...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 5)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Prince Charles got it partially right: his 'climate

warrior' son seems to have two aims in life: to

make his charity net zero - and himself net millions.

----------------------------------------------------------------

People v. PPE-ople...

***********************************

For anti-maskers

read 'aerosols'. "No ifs, no 

buts - they're simply nuts"...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------

"DO NOT ENTER"TAINMENT: our theatres 

during lockdown...

-----------------------------------------------------

ARCHIE PELAGO - "no man is an island - but

some can be a cluster"...

-----------------------------------------------------

Why is a US State founded by William 'Penn'

called Pencil-vania?...

-----------------------------------------------------------

When I read that Alice Evans was asking Bianca

Wallace for some filter tips, I thought it meant 

that she was back on the fags. Turns out it's an 

Instagram thing, haha...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

My New Year's resolutoin? To stop swearing (the same

as last year's). Fuck! I've spelt resolution wrong...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dry January? No problem!...

*******************************

Dry January?...

dry martini, dry sherry,

dry white - nothing else!

*******************************

Eins, zwei, DREI: martini, wine, sherry 🍷🍷🍷

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Time is something only you can give to yourself,"

says Gino d'Acampo in todays papers. Bollocks!

A judge once gave me five years...

---------------------------------------------------------------

What do I think about The Masked Singer still being

on the airwaves? "TAKE IT OFF!"..."TAKE IT OFF!"...

"TAKE IT OFF!"...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

COVID-19  -  HARLEQUINS-21: who says Covid 

can't be beaten? (If at first you don't succeed, try (7), 

try (7) and try (7) again)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

DREI MARTINIS - what I order in Germany before

devouring my one Wiener schnitzel...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, but ice endurance challenges leave me cold...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 21)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Just sayin'...

Yes, laughter may well

be the best medicine - but

manslaughter's murder...

An Astra-nomically bad year...

*****************************

The A - Z of 

another year to forget?

Astra - Zeneca!...

*****************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Inform, educate, entertain: The Weakest Link does it all! Why, in 

this week's episode I learnt that 'Athena' is an anagram of 'rose' and 

Maggie Thatcher was the Prime Minister of India. Good to know!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Ashes: the difference between England and Australia? 

It's the difference between "it's not the winning, it's the taking 

part" and "it's not the winning, it's the taking apart". I'll leave 

you to work out which motto applies to which country!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson as the next Dr Who? (New Year TV Review).

I reckon he'd be much better as a Dalek: EX-STARMER-NATE!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 2021 / 20TuTu...

------------------- Farewell to a great man. "A helluva fella, like Nelson

Mandela". He's well out of it, I reckon. RIP, Archbishop...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

When Omicron has been and gone,

How soon till others come along?

What if they're tougher

And life's even rougher?

Will we miss these days of Omicron?

---------------------------------------------

If, on the 1st, you don't succeed, sod it!...

*******************************

I always Knew Year's

resolutions to give up

on puns wouldn't work!...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

How soon before a three-headed alien arrives on

Coronation Street, zaps Fiz and turns Underworld

into an intergalactic service station? It's only a 

touch more absurd than recent storylines. Less is 

more, writers. You really are testing our loyalty.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail Weekend, January 1)

----------------------------------------------------------------

The Weakest Link celebrity contestants probably 

think brain cells are what naughty brains get locked 

up in. There's certainly plenty of room in THEIRS 

at the moment, they seem to be pretty empty.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Recalling items over safety fears is a real pain.

Recalling holidays is much more fun.

------------------------------------------------------------

"Why is your dog always tired?" - "Because every

time I throw a tantrum, he chases after it!"...

------------------------------------------------------------

"Do debutantes' parents always have to throw a 

ball?" - "No, not if they don't have a dog"...

----------------------------------------------------------

PS, BORIS: how the f*** does one "let rip cautiously"?

----------------------------------------------------