Retrievers are fetching...

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Stupid dog! Every

time I throw a tantrum, she

chases after it...

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(17 Syllables)

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Unlike Liz Jones's gift of a box of matches, I once received

a present of a SINGLE match from my lover. It was inscribed

with our initials and the words 'a match made in heaven'. A

blatant lie - I know for a fact it was made in a factory in Sweden...

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Harry to visit the UK? "Lack of protection stops us coming,"

says Harry. What happens in the bedroom should stay in the

bedroom, if you don't mind my saying so, Harry. Kids doing OK?

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The grand old Duke of York, he had ten thousand men. Was

it consensual, or will THEY be suing now, too?...

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The Ashes: Oh well, at least England's batsmen gave 

Australia a run for their money. Just the one. Turns out you 

need hundreds...

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Holly Willoughby says women shouldn't just be judged

for their wardrobe choices. Holly's prickly. Who knew?...

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A cabinet reshuffle is definitely called for, Boris. I suggest

you replace the gin, rum and vodka with orange and cola,

for starters. Or get rid of the damned thing altogether...

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'Rotate your kids' toys,' advises Money Mum. I tried, but

it turns out the only one I COULD rotate was their 

spinning top. Any more bright ideas?...

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'Djokovictory is ours!' claim all those who have suffered...

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Father of 7 fights to save job: Will 'Operation Save Big

Dog' be any more successful than 'Operation Get Big Dog 

Spayed' was? Get the f*** out of our lives, Boris!...

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A right-back, for sure - but not a far-right-back: has

Gary Neville 'Chamberlain' joined the wrong party?...

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'The buck stops here'. Ever heard that expression, Boris?

You're the leader - whoever's at fault, it happened on

YOUR watch. (Even if it IS a Rolex.) Resign!

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