central line, circle line, clothes line...

**************************************

optimists on a

train know they'll alight at the

end of the tunnel...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

TIC TAX - only to be paid by those who are  making 

a mint (Trump's favourite)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER - by The Heebeegeebees.

Little did they know it, but it turned out to be Covid.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Could a Harry & Meghan 'fly-on-the-wall' documentary

be followed by a Buckingham Palace 'fly-off-the-handle' one?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

He's 'misspeaking' so much these days, should someone be 

following our PM around with a nincompooper scooper?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 2)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Does 'antisocial distancing' mean 'moving further and further

to the right'?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris says he's as fit as a butcher's dog. Does this explain why

he's continuously barking up the wrong tree when trying to

stop the spread of Covid?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

bottom marks - they look painful!...

****************************************

can the cane make a

stupid arse smart? - well, it sure

made my bum smart - ouch!...

**************************************** 

But not as smart as Trump thinks he is for

paying only $750 tax. Stupid arse, indeed...

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

INSECTYSIDE - the outside of the windscreen...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 29)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Seeing the bother this country's currently in, it 

wouldn't surprise me if a whole bunch of immigrants 

clambered on to the raft of new Covid laws and 

headed straight back out again!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Does the clock-watchers' diet mean you never ask for 

seconds - whereas before you never asked for minutes?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hare of the dog? "Paw me another!"...

******************************************

"How many hops in

beer?" asks Flopsy. "Depends who's

hopping," says Mopsy...

******************************************

( 'Hopping madness': 17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

My marriage? Nothing more than a three-ring

circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering...

--------------------------------------------------------------

MAL DE MERE - my mum makes me sick...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Job interviews and romantic dates are pretty much

interchangeable as far as I'm concerned: nothing 

but appointments followed by disappointments...

---------------------------------------------------------------

They should change the White House's address to

'Dirty Washing'ton, seeing as the current President

airs more of his dirty laundry in public than any

of his 44 predecessors...

(It may be OK to go right off him, but only a fool

would go write him off)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Bugs Bunny bugs me, but doesn't bug my buddy...

******************************

"stop rabbiting on!"

I holler at the bunny - 

but the hare's all ears...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------

When bulls bully, do cows cower?...

----------------------------------------------------------

I wonder whether Donald Trump believes in

'doing as you would be done by'? Because I

reckon he'll probably be done by November 3...

----------------------------------------------------------

Nothing Trump does makes any cents. No 

wonder he pays next to no tax...

(Ironic, seeing as there's never been a more 

taxing President)

----------------------------------------------------------

FLOUR POWER - as a child of the 60s, I'm

more into Bake Off these days...

----------------------------------------------------------

The hare - and something our teacher tortoise...

********************************

A hare causes damage

Wherever it can...

(But can't always manage

Where leveret can)

********************************

A less than MAGIcal moment:

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Why call him Jesus, for heaven's sake?"..."Why

in God's name did you choose this stable?"..."Why

in Bethlehem, of all places?" - No wonder they're

called the "3 Why's" men...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Who knew? Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, is the

Duchess of Cambridge's narcissister-in-law, apparently...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mountin' excitement...

********************************************

It's peak travel time!

"Climber bored!" shouted the guard.

I wasn't, but did.

********************************************

Memories of K2 base camp...

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------

Coming down from a 6,000m high...

--------------------------------------------

********************************************

Off-peak travel now...

"Climber bored!" shouted the guard.

I was. So I did.

********************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------

My brother and I are as thick as thieves. Having just failed

all our exams, it seems we're also as thick as two planks...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If it means keeping schools open, maybe maths teachers

should be restricted to times table service only...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

RYE HUMOUR - for those who don't like corn...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's true, county cricket is populated almost exclusively by

white players. Come on, counties, "Play up! Play up! And

play the BAME!" (With apologies to Sir Henry Newbolt)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, it seems Hollywood star Ryan Reynolds has high 

hopes of purchasing a National League side. Here's hoping 

nobody, er, wrecks 'em!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

£50 for a cup of coffee? (news item). Maybe it's that good

that 'one swallow DOES make a summer'!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEVER SAY DIAPER - it's a 'mask', not a 'face nappy'!

(Mind you, given the s*** that comes out of some Covidiots' 

mouths, it's an understandable mistake)

------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

-----------------------------------------------------------

BLACK OLIVES MATTER - you can't make a salad

without 'em (well, not a Greek one, anyway)...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dumb and Dumber...

**************************************

My brother and I 

are as thick as thieves. "As two

planks, more like" says dad... 

**************************************

(No thanks to good old dumb and mad. Oops! Mum and dad, I mean)

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

JUST A MINUET - an early dance-based radio panel game...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

CHOPIN LISZT - 'don't forget the tomato Suppé,' Mozart 

reminds his Mrs...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

At least 93% of our confused, rudderless Government 

is lost in a swamp of meaningless statistics, according to

78% of those canvassed...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

HONOURMATOPEER - word mimicking sounds uttered

only by Knights of the Garter...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

At least Princess Beatrice wedding mugs come complete

with a handle you can fly off when you notice the £40.00

price tag!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Breaking the Rule of Six...

-----------------------------------------------------------

"FORGIVE ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE MINGLED"...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Isn't laughter meant to be the best medicine? Couldn't 

the Chief Medical Officer have alleviated our pain 

with the odd Whitty-cism?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If counting backwards can help us cope with pain 

(news item), I rednow rehtehw gnitirw sdrawkcab nac?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Two B's, or not two B's?...

*****************************************

ABBACUS - Swedish
group you could always count on -
for a cracking tune...

*****************************************



(17 Syllables, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 15)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
People say they're on the phone for HOURS trying to
get a Covid test. Talk about a ring... ring... ring...
ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring...

ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring...

ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring...

ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring...
ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring...
ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring...
ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring...
ring... ring...ringing endorsement of the system. Not!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A wall that's plastered is rendered; a human who's
plastered is rendered useless...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 16)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I only use the very brightest of paints. So bright in
fact, that if it ever runs when I'm decorating the
local gym, it does so on the spot. Probably because
the sign says 'No Running Indoors'...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why send Sasha Swire to social Siberia? Wouldn't 

sending her to Coventry be far enough?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

DUTCHESS - member of the Netherlands monarchy...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 13)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

SOCIAL DISDANCING - what the Strictly contestants

will be doing...(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Sept 22)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Sue, Barker!...

**********************************************************

They're throwing Sue Barker off Question

of Sport? Ageism, surely? Take 'em to court!
Hard court, clay court, high court, grass court,
who cares? Just take 'em!...

**********************************************************
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
59 LAPS OF CONCENTRATION + NO LAPSE OF CONCENTRATION:
it's a winning Formula (One)! Congratulations to Lewis Hamilton on 
winning the Tuscan Grand Prix. Formula Won, indeed!...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The new series of Bake Off promises to be quite a tonic. But it
seems Britain's wanting much stronger stuff than tonic these days!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is Sir Keir hardy? He's Labour, so I'm sure he is. What's an odd
coughing fit between friends?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sasha Swire claims David Cameron wanted to drag her into a bush.
The holly or the ivy? I hear the food's great in the Ivy...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr Hancock's first name should be Gloss, not Matt. To reflect all
his Department's shortcomings he tends to gloss over. Just sayin'...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is it too late to lock the door once the unstable has bolted? (Yes,
and now he's involved in a two-horse race to get back in again.)
See also: stable jockey, unstable genius...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

all very unsavoury...

************************************

My girlfriend's sweet - though
some say she's a little tart.
A matter of taste?...

************************************



(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Last Night of the Proms classic 'Jerusalem' may not 

have been 'murdered' (as the Twitterati suggested), 

but the lack of so many BBC Symphony 'members'

was certainly akin to an orcastration, haha...

---------------------------------------------------------------

GBBO: What's coming up on the telly that excites
me? Not sure, but I know 'Hollywood's diverse
dozen' dozen't...
---------------------------------------------------------------

Ethiopian coffee at £50 a shot? What the hell do you

nibble with that? An exceedingly rich tea biscuit?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

You'd have to be drunk to buy a £50 coffee. And 

the coffee would have to be drunk, too. Very, very 

slowly...

---------------------------------------------------------------

winging it...

**************************************

you don't lose homing
pigeons if they don't fly home -
you just lose pigeons...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

MASKARA - enhances the eye when wearing a face 

covering...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 27)

----------------------------------------------------------------

My wife claims she never dreamt of nights in shining

armour. Well, nor did I. I much prefer pyjamas...

----------------------------------------------------------------

So Vegas is now a ghost town? Alas, poor Vegas, I

knew it well...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

According to David Attenborough, we're sleepwalking

into a catastrophe! Yikes, call a somnambulance!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The first classical music tribute act?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

They may have SOUNDED just fine, but with so many

missing members at the Last Night of the Proms, I felt

I was watching the BBC Sym-phoney Orchestra...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Pounds, shillings and pensive (to coin a phrase)

*******************************

Change is terrifying.
(So much so, I always pay
with my debit card!)

*******************************



(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?...

-------------------------------------------

"I'm a dates man," declared one Donald, and went on to

win £1,000,000. "I'm an orange man," said another Donald,

and went on to win the US Presidency. Me? I'm an ugli

man - but I went on to win the heart of a beautiful woman.

What's your lucky fruit?..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did Florence Foster Jenkins always break into song?

Because she could never find the right key, haha...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The CHEQUERED FLAG career of Lewis Hamilton and

the chequered career of most of his rivals are POLES apart

right now. 95 of them, to be precise - and counting...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

***********************************************************

Seeing Monty Don make the perfect compost on
Gardeners' World was the first time I've actually
enjoyed watching a load of s*** on the telly. Or
'decayed organic material,' as he called it...

***********************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me? I'll be Biden my time...

---------------------------------

Sadly (and illegally) when President Trump urges his followers 

to go and vote 'AT THE DOUBLE!' that's exactly what he means: 

1) send in your vote early AND 2) turn up at the polling station. 

Whilst most Presidents leave their mark on society, what Trump 

leaves will be a stain...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************************************

"The sod is being replaced at no cost to taxpayers,"
said a White House spokesman. Sadly, he was only
referring to damage to the White House lawn
following last month's Republican convention.
Bugger, got my hopes up there for a moment...

**************************************************************
(Trump campaign to pay for White House lawn damage)

---------------------------------------------------------

Hammersmith Bridge is closed. Get over it.

Er, how?...

---------------------------------------------------------

Who the hell's going to fund the Hammersmith

Bridge repairs? No idea - I guess they'll cross 

that bridge when they come to it. Or drive to

the next one...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Bloody hell, that Hammersmith Bridge has got

one hell of a temper. Bit like my neighbour. 

Wouldn't want to cross either of them!...

-------------------------------------------------------------
Tennis: how to tell which Williams sister is which -
Serena's the more excitable one. Venus is serener.
-------------------------------------------------------------

ABCDEFGHIJKL...

***********************************

Do you know the two
letters that come right after
M? -'NO' - Well, you should!

***********************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------
Life? That's not a long sentence. It's not even
a sentence. A sentence requires a subject and
a predicate...
---------------------------------------------------------
The judge pronounced sentence. But he was
from Kasakhstan, so he pronounced it rather
badly...
---------------------------------------------------------
"I believe in following the letter of the law"...
"Why?"...
"No, that's not the one"...
---------------------------------------------------------
The accused was given such a long sentence,
the letter of the law appeared in it five times!
(even though no-one knew which one it was!)
----------------------------------------------------------
I got life. That's a short sentence. Only 3 words.
----------------------------------------------------------
Why did Trump visit the California wildfires?
Is he finally listening to those of us who've
been telling him to go to blazes? What a dick...
(I find it very hard to be polite when dealing
with this absurd apology for a President)
----------------------------------------------------------

'Frenchship' be damned!...

*******************************************

Michel Barnier - not only pompous,
but barmier and barmier...

*******************************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Bugger me, so I did!...
---------------------------
I'm trying to think of a joke involving puns and old 

45s that Tim Vinyl like. "I think you just did!"...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Here's hoping the two-horse race to the White House
isn't won by the stable genius...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I've got my mask on, Mr President, so I'll try and
write as loud as I can. IS THIS LOUD ENOUGH?
What a dick...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Buggles are sad to announce that, after a protracted
battle, Covideo finally Killed The Radio Star. Turns out
the song's really infectious, so they urge everyone to
wash their hands after listening to it. Thank you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you're going to fly anywhere, fly off the handle - you
won't need to go into quarantine when you return...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 9)
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two rubbish offerings...

1) SHAKESPEARE? HE'S RUBB?ISH - "Er, two B's, or not two B's?"

--------------------- o ---------------------

2) THE LITTERATI - well-educated people who love reading rubbish.

--------------------- o ---------------------

(told you they were rubbish)
----------------------------------------------------------------
SAW-OFF SHOTGUN - well, it certainly saw ME off!...
----------------------------------------------------------------
No, No, Novak! - Djoko KO'd...
--------------------------------------
Bairstow out, hit wicket..."That's cricket," sighs Bairstow.
Djokovic out, hit line judge..."Sorry, that's just not cricket,"
sighs match referee...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Foden & Greenwood in quarantine breach. Gareth
Southgate: "I don't feel very wel" [sic - as a parrot]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Never mind the Rule of Six, how long will Boris & Co. be
adhering to the Rule of Sixes and Sevens?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Filter tips: (1) don't use them, and (2) obey number (1)...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Clarkson's daughter Emily quite rightly lambasts
the use of filters. Couldn't  agree more - except when it
comes to some of her dad's more outrageous comments!...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************************

What exactly are the Covid-19 test
centres meant to be testing? Our patience?
If so, they're doing a grand job...

*****************************************************
Two weeks, 3-star hotel, half-bored out of my mind...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend may be beach body ready, but I can't say
her clothes are. Forget Bikini Atoll, think Cardigan Bay!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
With so much botox around these days, no wonder many
actresses find it easier to raise a child than an eyebrow...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Black sheep makes ewe-turn. "It's what I do," explains
Boris. No Tory Party 'colour baa' jokes, please...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS IN CAPS. But not baseball caps...

*****************************

"You go on a head,"
I said to my bowler, "I'll
catch you up later"...

*****************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------
If you're going to fly anywhere, fly off the
handle - you won't need to go into quarantine
when you return...
--------------------------------------------------------
Can vegetarians wear pork pie hats?...
--------------------------------------------------------
Cancelled...cancelled...cancelled? This really
is getting on my Gatwick! (Flying is no
longer 'plane sailing' - unless you mean we're
all in the same boat, haha...)
--------------------------------------------------------
"How bad do things have to get before Boris
acts?" people are asking. Boris IS acting -
acting the part of Prime Minister. And not
very well, according to most reviews...
--------------------------------------------------------

The ArgenTina Turner...

*********************************************

Lionel Messi goes from Barcelona to
Barca loner. A very messy business...

*********************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------
(Stop Press: Messi to STAY at Barcelona. A Barca loner no longer!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"BACK OF THE NET!flix". They shoot, they score! Harry
& Meghan must be laughing all the way to the bank...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Spurs fanatic Trump (bone spurs fanatic)
-------------------------------------------------
"Is he an asset to his country, Pete?" - "Well, he's 3/5ths
of the way there, Tom - he's an ass"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't call ME a Covidiot, we're more of a coronavirUS...

****************************************************

Thank God for my multiple personality
disorder - at least we can give ourselves a
group hug...

****************************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andy Murray may have exited the US Open early, but at least
the money he made will have paid for his overheads - not to
mention most of his serves and volleys...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman bakes 6ft Mr Darcy cake...
------------------------------------------
I always thought Colin Firth's Mr Darcy was one of telly's most
celebrated beefcakes. Suddenly he's a sponge cake. How the
mighty are fallen!...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The live-action remake of Mulan has no musical numbers,
apparently. Why not? The original musical version did so
well. Mulan Rouge, I believe it was called...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

skating on thin ice?...

**********************************

I know what figure
skating is. But what's nigure
skating? On black ice?...

***********************************
Is it now completely unacceptable to tell such
jokes? Yes, Black Lives DO Matter (how can
anyone in their right mind think otherwise?)
but so does having a sense of humour. Wordplay
plain and simple, not racism...
--------------------------------------------------
Megha-bucks deal for Harry...
--------------------------------------------------
The Duke & Duchess of Sussex and
Coronetflix - a match made in heaven?...
--------------------------------------------------
Britons are ditching red meat for pizza,
apparently. Seems we're not into square
meals any more - not when there are
round ones to be had...
--------------------------------------------------
Carrie Symonds: a woman to die(t) for..
------------------------------------------------
As the pounds continue to drop off him,
Boris Johnson is fast becoming what
many people have long thought of him:
a political lightweight...
--------------------------------------------------

you're welcome...

********************************************

The menopause: a period a woman
has to go through without having to
go through a period...

********************************************
----------------------------------------------------------
I spotted my friends Daisy, Rose, Violet, Fern,
Poppy, Ivy and Holly in the hair salon yesterday.
After so long in lockdown, they were all
desperate to get their roots seen to...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 2)
----------------------------------------------------------
THE WARS OF THE ROSÉS - this may well go
a few rounds! (What? Even at £9:60 a round?)
- Sponsored by the (public) Houses of York
and Lancaster -
----------------------------------------------------------

my better "not half"!...

******************************

My wife's a foxy
minx in her fifties. Even
more in her onesies!...

******************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------
Davina McCall talks of her 'divorce diet'. Is that
when you lose around 90 kilos? (or whatever it
is that your ex happens to weigh)?
-----------------------------------------------------------
She also talks of her perimenopause. Seeing as
as she now seems hotter and saucier than ever,
methinks it was probably a peri-perimenopause.
-----------------------------------------------------------
September's here! Bring out the sweaters and
long trousers! (It's an autumnatic reaction, sadly
- I love every month of the year exceptember.)
-----------------------------------------------------------
Yes, plants CAN chat (news item). Why, only
yesterday Daisy and Violet were telling me they
were off to the hairdresser's as their roots were
showing...
-----------------------------------------------------------

A pinch and a (rum) punch...

***********************************

"BAR HUMBUG! - PUBS? WHO
NEEDS 'EM?" (V. Hefter, Daily 
Mail, September 1)

***********************************



(17 Unusually Silly-bles)
------------------------------------------------------------
About this new NHS soup and shake diet: once
I've had my soup, how long do I have to shake?...
------------------------------------------------------------
Great to see Ennio Morricone has 3 entries in the
nation's top 20 movie soundtracks list. Proof
positive that he wasn't just enniold composer!...
(The Mission's position? No.6. The Missionary
position? Depends who you ask, haha...)
------------------------------------------------------------
I always thought Colin Firth's Mr Darcy was one
of telly's most celebrated beefcakes. Suddenly
he's a sponge cake. How the mighty are fallen!...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 7)
------------------------------------------------------------

A total natural (a born placenta forward)

*************************************

I've half a mind to
be a footballer. "Half a
mind's all you'll need, mate"...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

Box wines: more half-cut than uppercut!...

**************************************

I don't watch box sets,
I DRINK 'EM! Sets of three: red,
white and a rosé...

**************************************



('The next three-minute round's on me...': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------
Daisy, Rose, Violet, Fern, Poppy and Ivy - plants
are way more intelligent than we think,
apparently. But only the women, it seems. Just
as I suspected!...
----------------------------------------------------------
Hey, did my satnav just go into your hair salon?
"Sure did - says it wants its routes seen to"...
----------------------------------------------------------

The Twitter generation. (Twits)

**************************************

Those offended by
the use of full stops should get
a life. Period.

**************************************



(17 Syllables, Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 30)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If ":oscopy" means "colonoscopy", does ";oscopy" mean
"semicolonoscopy"?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"You court a woman...you take her...then you take her
to court": a jolly Depplorable approach to women?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I've never red Brown...
----------------------------
Veni, Vidi, Da Vinci: I came, I saw, I wrote my way to riches...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems Cambridge University's syllabus has suddenly
gone West...Kanye West. I believe they're now calling
it a rather sillybus...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

                                  Bought him at a flea market a few weeks ago,
                                               now he's buggered off again...

Natural (and unnatural) disasters...

*********************************************************

Floods, earthquakes, devastating hurricanes,
rapidly melting glaciers - what next? A massive
Trump landslide? Global warming has a lot to
answer for!...

*********************************************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Is there a vegetarian alternative to beef tomatoes?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The Digital Diner...
------------------------------------------------------
If you're a meat-loving vegan, you'll love my
ladies' finger & beef (toma)toe salad!...
------------------------------------------------------
TRUMP LOVES TWEETING IN CAPS (the
red MAGA ones, on sale for £3:00 each - he
does everything in them.) "Everything?"...
------------------------------------------------------

An asset to his country? Well, he's halfway there - he's an ass...

------------------------------------------------------
The thicker the man, the thinner the skin -
------------------------------------------------------
Donald Trump (EQUUS
FERUS CABALLUS): stable
genius, indeed... (17 Not-at-all-Sillybles)
-------------------------------------------------------
cross all you've got, and pray he won't win...
---------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
Awkward lies: they may cost Trump a shot or
two when addressing a golf ball, but he's more
than happy to fall back on them when
addressing a nation. They're not even that
awkward, to be honest...
---------------------------------------------------------
ELEPHANTOM - pachyderm rumoured to be
hanging around his old haunts...
---------------------------------------------------------
PACHYDERMATITIS - as if the Elephant Man
hadn't suffered enough!...
---------------------------------------------------------

A Sloane off his podium invites only odium...

*****************************************

"LOOK, NO HANS!" - British
Museum removes Sir Hans Sloane
from his pedestal...

*****************************************



('Slaves to political correctness': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"GOAL!" shouted Harry Maguire's fans last season...
"GAOL!" shout his detractors now. And yes, he's guilty
as charged - but at least it's a suspended sentence. Lousy
defence, I gather. But that's always been England's
problem, right?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
See you later, Mr Slater...
-------------------------------
A Permanent Secretary who gets axed is not a Permanent
Secretary, he's just a Secretary...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will Strictly celebrities have to practise social disdancing?...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 31)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Calendar Cliff, 2021? Colander Cliff, more like - he looks
drained. (It's what personal drainers do, right?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's September 1! Bring out the sweaters and long trousers!
(An autumnatic reaction, as far as I'm concerned). I love
every month of the year - exceptember...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------