"Why the él?" - "Why the él not?"...

****************************************

'SIN' is 'without' in

Spanish - and where would él be

who is without it?...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

So watching porn in the Commons is frowned upon, but

no one has a problem with MPs being whipped on a regular

basis?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fewer and fewer MPs these days seem to be able to tell the 

difference between leaving a mark on society and leaving a 

stain...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

All random victims of acts of violence these days turn out

to be wonderful souls who 'lit up the room whenever they 

entered' and always 'had a good word for everybody'. Do

miserable buggers never get killed?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Only a racist would call a spade a spade...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ben Stokes: from utter disgrace to WG Grace. That's quite

a journey...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

PAS DE DEUX - a dance for two people. PA DE SEPT -

Boris Johnson...

---------------------------------------------------------------

With the odd exception, of course...

*************************************

Just because lead is

dense, it doesn't mean to say

that lead singers are!...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson: guilty party? Or innocent business 

meeting? It's all very confusing...

-------------------------------------------------------------------- 

When it comes to 'misogynist tripe', as he calls it, Boris 

Johnson sure knows his onions...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subscription-based Twitter? How can that be classified as

'free speech'? Seems more like 'reasonably priced' speech,

at best... #ElonMusk

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Antonio Guterres asking Russis to cooperate with the 

International Criminal Court is like asking turkeys to vote

for Christmas. What IS the point of the UN / NATO, ffs?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The World Cup: will England get to the final in Qatar - or

will they only get to the Qatar-finals?... #DontCare

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oops! Seems being Leader of the Opposition isn't a piece

of cake, after all, chocolate OR lemon! #Hipocrite? #Cakegate

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

According to Sir Keir, you CAN have your cake and eat it

- as long as it's chocolate or lemon!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

One of life's mysteries...

 ======================

HOPE SPRINGS

ETERNAL.

ALICE SPRINGS

DOESN'T...

...and no one knows why. As someone once said 

to me, some things are not meant to be understood.

===================================================

What's the betting the Commons porn-watching guilty party 

turns out not to have been a party at all?... #Partygate2

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

TRIPE ADVISOR - try it with onions...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 7)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

'In Liz we Truss,' says Boris. The rest of us? Not so sure...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does Emma Raducanu have to change coaches so often

to get to where she wants to be? She should contact National

Express - they go direct to almost everywhere!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bedtime bottle helps baby sleep (Mail). Well, it certainly

works for daddy. Different bottle mind...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The only person I know who can hold a note longer than 

Shirley Bassey is my dad. I can't remember when he last 

opened his wallet...

(Should have said Russell Watson, then I could have 

gone on about the ageing tenor in his wallet)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a Minister and a PRIME Minister?

A PRIME Minister can be divided evenly only by one and himself.

("So why the fuck doesn't he live at Number 11?"...)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gloss Le Tissier was a great player. But he's sure taken the gloss off it

recently. No wonder he's now called Matt...

Yet another disturbed human being - they really are coming out of the

woodwork these days. Seems like Trump's opened the floodgates... #ConspiracyNutters

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tyson Fury v. Dillian Whyte...

********************************

I know  most people

don't like 'whataboutism',

but hey, "WHAT A BOUT!"

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a Prime Minister and a Prime 

Number? A Prime Number would rather live at Number 11...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is, or is not, Boris Johnson still an asset to his Party? 

Me, I reckon he's 'a bit of' an asset - the 'ass' bit...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

These new pills you take just before sex, I wonder if

they're like the ones I take just before six?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

HRT? Not only does Penny Lancaster's supportive husband

Rod Stewart want to talk about it, he wants to sing about it, 

too: Every Beat of My HRT, This Old HRT of Mine, I's a

HRTache. OK, we get it, Rod...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Who the hell would want to be in his shoes?" I used to say

of Rishi Sunak. But now I've actually seen the shoes - £600

Prada trainers - the answer is "ME!"...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Food for thought...

**********************************************

Macaroni v.

Penne: seems the French found them

BOTH hard to swallow...

**********************************************

(Presidential election: 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

(2)NA FISH JOKES...

------------------------

(1) "I'm not sure this is the right quai," said the piano tuna.

(2)  Are a piano tuna's scales always pentatonic?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Name That Tuna: which of these fish's scales can be pentatonic:

the skipjack tuna's, the yellowfin tuna's or the piano tuna's?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I love a well-dressed salad" - "So you're into haute cuisine?" -

"No, haute couture. And just look at the jacket on this potato.

Designer, if I'm not mistaken"...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I've got this rather unsightly lump on my side I can't get rid of, doctor.

Had it for years. I've tried everything" - "It's your husband, Mrs Jones".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If GPs do pass any motions at their national conference next month, 

I wonder where they'll send them off to be analysed?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How soon before the whole diversity thing goes full circle and TV

adverts featuring happy families and married couples will dare to

use Caucasians and heterosexuals again?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ONE FERGUSON = TEN HAG...

**************************************

One Ferguson will 

always be worth more than ten 

Hag. Sorry, Erik...

**************************************

To be perfectly honest, I don't think even

TWENTY Hag could save them right now...

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

HOLY MATRIMONEY - marriage to a sugar daddy...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 25, 2023)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When I eventually pop my clogs, it's not being pronounced

dead that bothers me, it's being pronounced CORRECTLY,"

said Mr Swyzinswkyzty...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What are the chances of Ukraine NOT winning the European

Song Contest? Not quite the show of support they're really

after, methinks...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Forge a new entente cordiale? I thought the Tories were the

law and order party? Forgery's a crime...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Donald Trump wants the Queen to strip Harry and Meghan

of their titles? Won't happen. The Queen's not a stripper...

#TheresYourHeadline

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Seems Nicola Sturgeon has an unusual memento of her

recent visit to the barber's: a brush! (with the law, haha)

#NoFurtherAction

----------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************

No, Pinocchio

DIDN'T like his nose - but it

grew on him. Sometimes.

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------

THE ART OF ONE-UPMANSHIP

-----------------------------------

                   by

      Erik ten eleven Hag

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Preferred pronouns? What a load of  tosh. No wish to insult you,

but if you think I'm going to start calling you 'they', think again. 

Vincent Hefter (he/him, except on Wednesdays)...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, April 24. Except they left out 

the punchline. Yet again. Twats)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It must be tough for Nadine Dorries to be mocked for her 

dyslexia. It is, after all, 'just part of my NDA', as she'd 

probably put it... #NadineDorriesDNA

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is saying a man walking around London wearing a £72,000 

watch is 'asking for it' any different from saying a girl walking 

around the same streets in a mini skirt is also asking for it? 

Replies, please, to Sarah Vine, Mail on Sunday...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Genital-tucking briefs for four-year-olds? No way, Jose! 

Nip and tuck is one thing, ladies - but tuck and nippers? 

That's quite another...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Home is no longer where the HRT is, it seems. But at least 

Sajid Javid is appointing a tsar to help sort out the shortage.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Glad to hear that Ben Whishaw and Mark Bradshaw's 

split is an amicable one. Seems to be a case of 

"I still like Q" - "I still like Q, too"... #IStillLikeYouToo

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Angela Rayner said it was categorically untrue that 

she tried to distract Boris Johnson by crossing and 

uncrossing her stockinged legs. That makes her a 

denier of the fact. (20 denier, probably, Boris couldn't 

help but notice)

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, May 1)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

#scentsofhumour #onceapongatime

*********************************

I've no problem with

stars releasing fragrances,

but, please - not in lifts!...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

According to the papers, Putin's inner circle is shrinking.

I knew he had health problems, but I wasn't expecting this.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seems Le Pen isn't mightier than the sword - not even mightier

than Macron, in fact...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One thing's for sure, if Elon Musk succeeds in his attempt to

control Twitter, he's bound to give those in charge one hell of

a rocket. Whether that'll also be called Starship, heaven only

knows...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not content with trying to change the face of Russia, looks

like Putin got someone to change the face of his mistress, too.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Katie Price two-faced? I wouldn't say that - I

think this one must be her seventh...

------------------------------------------------------

That burnout you say you fear experiencing

while working from home, Harry, it won't be

burnout, it'll be your reputation going up in

flames. And you'll have lit the bloody fire yourself.

----------------------------------------------

Now pass the remote, dummkopf...

********************************

"I can't spell LEITH" - "You

just did!" (It's "i before e,

except by the sea!")

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

NEWS AT TENNIS - Wimbledon bans Russian and Belarusian players.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

24-hour Rowling news - is she never out of the headlines?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Covid hasn't gone away yet - there are still thousands of

cases in Britain's airports. I packed a couple of them myself.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Covid hasn't gone away yet - there are still thousands of cases

in Britain's airports - about half of them in Baggage Reclaim!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My CD Chopin Liszt... ------------------------ Bach, Bartok, Beethoven, Berlioz, Bizet, Brahms, Britten, Bruckner... ------------ a veritable B's knees of classical composers...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

...and the genie granted me 3 wishes. I won't tell you what

they were, but the answers were: 1) Boris Johnson, 2) Princes Harry, 3) Donald Trump... ...whereupon the genie disappeared. Closely followed, I hope,

by...well, you can guess the rest, I imagine...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pun verses Fun (Round One)

******************************

HE WHO IS WITHOUT

CINema, let him cast an

eye on my last book...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------

============ LEITH ===========

It's "i before e, except by the sea"

============ LEITH ===========

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GOOD KOP, BAD KOP - I'm a ref, I've seen both sides, believe me!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prince Harry says he's making sure the Queen has the right people

around her. So presumably he'll be banning Meghan from the Palace?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, Prince Harry says he wants to concentrate on giving 120% to 

the Invictus Games competitors and their families. Couldn't believe 

it - that's exactly the same as my new T-shirt: 120% cotton. 

Coincidence, or what?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meghan Markle's Mantra...

---------------------------------------- Harry Krishna Harry Krishna Krishna Krishna Harry Harry Harry Rama Harry Rama Rama Rama Harry Harry... ----------------------------------------- "THAT'S MY MAN"tra, all right," says Meghan.

(I'm not saying she worships him, but...

=====================================

De-athletics...

*******************************************

I just finished dead last in a sprint

won in a dead-heat in 11 seconds

dead. I tell you what, this running

lark will be the death of me...

******************************************* 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Just as well Boris's career didn't go up in flames yesterday

- turns out Mark Harper's criticism of him wouldn't have

made a large enough splash to douse them...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why wait till it's hip to have one replaced, Liam? Daft bugger.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife only took up snooker two hours ago, and

she swears blind she's already had two holes-in-one!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Make Uranus your priority," Nasa were told recently. Weird,

that - my doctor told me just the same just the other day...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson: Prime Minister of the United Kingdom

and First Lord of the Treasury (to break the law).

Some title, that...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Priti Patella - the rest of her's rubbish...

-------------------------------------------------

No, no idea, son. Best ask your mum...

*********************************************************

Ethereum is a decentralized, open-source

blockchain with smart contract functionality...

*********************************************************

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where can you find 'dick'tionaries? - In 'labia'ries. (Sexual) reference labiaries.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hear electric cars are silent - but I can't hear silent electric

cars. Weird...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who knew Johnny Depp and Amber Heard loved courting so much?

High Court, Crown Court, Supreme Court - who knows where it'll end?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RWANDERLUST - strong desire to be flown to East Africa...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 17)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

No man is an island, but Harry & Meghan's son could well be an Archie pelago.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When a woman gets married, she often takes her husband's name.

When she gets divorced she often takes it in vain...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 13)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When getting married, my wife said she wanted a double-barrelled

surname to maintain her independence. As soon as I dared query this,

she proceeded to give me both of them in no uncertain terms!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Listening to Priti Patel's defence of her immigration policy in the 

Commons was as uncomfortable an experience as my recent root

canal treatment. The only thing going for it was that it was a good 

deal cheaper... #PritiVile

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hashtag humour...

*************************************************

 #thepenismightierthanthesword

#thatmustbesomepenis

************************************************

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not sure which is more depressing: the amount of vacant shops in

the high street or the number of vacant ministers in the government.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hold a mock press conference, Harry, and guess what? You'll get

mocked. What did you expect?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Weed my plants, darling"...

"Did you dear? Never mind"... #SmallHoseSyndrome

---------------------------------------------------------------

Happy Easter...

**************************************

"HOW d'you make a hot

bun cross, dad?" - "Put caramel

or cheese in it, son"...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Why are civil servants in plum jobs called mandarins?

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 19)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

With so much working from home, civil service workplaces

are more like 'on-and-off-and-on-and-off-ices' these days...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

No only has Boris Johnson been banned from Russia, but Putin's

just been banned from our squash club. He's got two weeks to

appeal the decision. Two weeks more than he deserves, if you ask me...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Were platinum blondes stereotypically considered 'dumb'

as platinum is one of the, er, denser elements?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wonder if Boris has got third-party insurance? He's only been 

done for ONE so far, but who knows? Could be costly.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jesus turned water into wine - MIRACLE! 

I made a Horlicks of a cup of coffee - NO MIRACLE. 

I didn't die - MIRACLE!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Wall, BBC 1: watching Ramadanny Dyer on

Easter Saturday - the joys of living in a multi-faith society... (Not that I did - gotta maintain my mews cred)

Can't stand Easter eggs - I avoid them religiously ♱

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Last of the bottom feeders, that's me...

*************************************

I may not know my

haddock from my pollack, but

I DO know my plaice...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Ants who can sniff out cancer? (news item). Maybe they

could be trained to be medical consult-ants?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I made some hot buns cross this Easter. Filled' em with

cheese and caramel... #FuckTadition

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Who does footballer Mason Greenwood play for? - "Call

Yourself A Man?" United. #GiggsGreenwoodTheBeautifulGame

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How many of the parties still interested in buying Chelsea FC is

Boris Johnson believed to have attended? #FixedPenaltyNotices

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cocktail party, 

Birthday party,

Dinner party,

Tea party... 

- the four parties believed to still be interested in buying Chelsea 

FC. Boris Johnson is known to have attended them all. Garden 

party and Surprise party are the latest to have dropped out...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************************

How does a non-dom practise safe sex? With a 

non-dom condom: 'if it's not on, it's just not on!'

--------------------------------------------------------------

How does a non-dom practise safe sex? With a

non-dom condom: 'if you can't put it off, put it on!'

--------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------

You want Bridget to return? Sorry, Renee, but the world's 

moved on. Sort of. Seems Phoebe Dynevor's in talks to star 

in a rip-off - they want to call it Bridgerton Jones's Diary...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Priti Heartless.

#RwandaShame. And this government is meant to represent me?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The price at the pump...

**********************************

You must be loaded!

A NEW Shell Suit? With the

price of Shell these days?...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Elon Musk's shopping list: Pasta, Tomato Sauce,

Broccoli, Black Pepper, Twitter, Fairy Liquid,

Toothpaste. Almost the same as mine, give or take...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rwanda: looks like @BorisJohnson's just unfollowed @JesusChrist. 

Or so some of his actions would have us believe. Happy Easter...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW MUCH a litre?...

*************************************

Raise the roof as much

as you want - the price of gas

will still go through it...

*************************************

- so much for convertibles...

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

Our PM seems to be ageing like a fined wine...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEL: EPATHY - when you just KNOW it's your mum on the phone

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

COTONEASTER EGG - plant-based treat...

-------------------------------------------------------------

SHEFFIELD THURSDAY - a team ahead of its time...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson being slapped with a £50 fixed penalty notice

won't have hurt much. Well, not as much as being slapped by

Will Smith...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

As soon as the speed awareness course finished, I rushed out

of the room. "Hang on there, lad - not so fast!" yelled the

instructor. Seems I'm a slow learner...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

4billion-year-old rock (star) shows oldest evidence of life on

Earth... #Jagger

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Freeze the Fear with Wim Hof? Sorry, it left me cold...

#ITurnedItHof #WimSumLoseSum

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hancock's Leaked Kiss? Sounds like a missing episode of

Hancock's Half Hour. I wonder if it's just as funny? (I'm told it is)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happiness is...a half-hour of slow radio accompanied by 

a glass or two of sloe gin. Thank you, Radio 3. Can't wait. 

Mind you, a bucketful of fast food will soon make up for lost time!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not a great Boris fan, but to call him a criminal because 

of one (or more?) fixed penalty notices is plain silly. A criminal 

is someone who is defined by his criminality. Buffoon? Maybe. 

An embarrassment? Undoubtedly, at times. But a criminal? No.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Asylum seekers to be packed off to Rwanda? Even I (and I know

nothing about anything) know this is wrong. How much longer is

this abysmally untalented Government going to go on embarrassing

our country, FFS?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The damp course" (according to my brother, the builder)

*******************************************

"I'm not going to say

sorry for feeding my kids 

Heinz soup" - "Knorr should you!"...

*******************************************

(In the soup for serving Heinz? Imagine!: 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------

FRED ASTAIRCASE - Roger Bannister's partner?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Enough, already! Amber. like children, should be seen and

not Heard. And the same goes for Johnny. This whole $100m

trial is Depplorable...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

WILL SMITH SLAPS PM...with a £50 fixed penalty notice.

Couldn't that have been arranged, just to brighten our lives?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think we've all had a bellyful of pregnant Rihanna pics. A

big, big bellyful...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A cost of living crisis, Covid, the Ukraine war...and astrologers

tell us we won't be this 'lucky' again till 2188? What planet are

they living on?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jupiter and Neptune not meeting again in the constellation of

Pisces until 2188 means we won't be this lucky again till then,

you say? Sorry, but you're talking out of Uranus...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The PM's £50 Covid fine: justice? Maybe. But 'ONLY JUST'ice.

He's pretty much got away with it. Only the lack of an obvious 

replacement is enabling Johnson to stay in office. What a feckless

bunch of mediocrities. Maybe we get what we deserve?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

****************************************************************

"Not a lot of people know I was named after Princess 

Anne" - "How long after?"- "About a day or two"...

****************************************************************

-------------------------------------------------------------------

After an artist has drawn his last breath, can it be sold 

as a non-fungible token?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't like to sing or drink too much. The first couple

of bars are more than enough in either case...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Is there a vegan alternative to ham radio?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

So Harry will go to the Netherlands accompanied by

the Dutchess? Seems about right...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Women are more likely than men to suffer from headaches (news 

item). And their men are just as likely to suffer from them, too!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Women may be more likely than men to have a headache at least

half of every month, but (or so my wife tells me) men are more 

likely to BE a headache at least half of every month! Is there a

divorce lawyer in the house?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The term 'charm offensive' seems tailor-made for Prime Minister 

Johnson. While half of us are won over by his charm, the other 

half seems to find his every action offensive. (Kyiv visit)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tired of poaching eggs, fish and vegetables, it seems Gordon 

Ramsay's turned to poaching other people's ideas... (Gordon 

Ramsay's Future Food Stars)

(Vincent Hefter, Weekend Magazine, April 23)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The honeymoon period...

*************************************

Bugger! Talk about 

bad timing - thank God it's not 

a heavy one, darling!...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

"JESUS IS UNDERRATED!" (Manchester City player)

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Ein Deutscher Witz (A German joke)...

***************************************

My German friend loves

telling Bad Württemberg jokes -

though some aren't THAT bad...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

How lucky of a photographer to come across the lesser 

spotted PM and his wife at the Arundel Wetland Centre. 

All I spotted were a couple of tits. Mind you, they were 

sitting in a boat...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What now? Dinner with a Turkish fixer? Poor old 

Fergie: when it comes to putting her foot in it, she 

really is the archetypical™ 'Istanbul in a china shop'!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

America may well have given Rishi Sunak a green card, 

but how soon before Boris or the British public give him 

a red one? I fear he's already on a yellow...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A £2,369 cashmere jumper may well be beyond my meagre 

budget, but ultra-successful Claudia Winkleman doubtless 

calls hers her latest 'petty cash'mere purchase!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank heavens trans rights campaigners have finally 

renamed Edward Lear's famous poem 'The Owl And 

The KITTY-Cat'. About time people stopped pussyfooting 

around the subject, if you ask me...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, April 17)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gary Neville was a one-club man. I wonder if it's the 

same one he now seems intent on bashing us over 

the head with, whatever the subject matter...

(I'm not a great fan of his - I prefer forward thinkers,

not defenders)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

To commemorate Portman Dental Care founder Sam

Waley-Cohen's historic Grand National victory, maybe

they should rename the Canal Turn the 'Root Canal' Turn?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#NumptyNuptials. Apparently, Daddy David was beside himself with

Victoria, Harper, Serena, Venus and Eva...

"Wasn't Joy invited, then?"... #BrooklynBeckhamWedding

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Are there any words in the English language Harry and

Meghan don't want to trademark? Silly beggars™

(For those who are reading the paper after the watershed, substitute 

the words 'silly beggars' with the words 'stupid twats'™)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

They don't call them clowns for nothing...

******************************

Believe me, sunshine,

Hungarian Pumi dogs  

make great Budapets!...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Looks like you've got a fight on your hands, Macron - turns

out Le Pen really may be mightier than the sword!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

ALBUMEN AND WOMEN - egg white supremacists. #BadEggs

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

4-WHEEL DRIVEL - 4x4 car salesman's usual patter.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

TIGER WOODS, HE COMES UP WITH THEGOODS!...

Pretty incredible, really. His kids must be dead proud of

their (-1) pa! Not just ANY pa, a ONE-UNDER Pa!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Please try a different payment method...

***************************************

I wish the only

thing banks declined were Latin

nouns - and not my card! 😢

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------

MARQUEE DE SADE - a man in tent on enjoying himself...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What does my postcode say about me? It reflects my

curiosity: Who else has the same one as me: NE1 1NO?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Oops, seems Maradona's daughter's getting a bit (No 10) shirty!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

No, a waistline that's more than half my height doesn't

mean I'm overweight - it means I'm undersized!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Only £6 million? Steve Hodge gave the shirt off his

back to get Maradona's, and now it seems we've all

got the opportunity to do the same...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Will Panorama want to investigate Rishi Sunak's 

wife's non-dom status? Or might Netflix get in 

first with a non-dom rom-com?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Non-stop news of impending travel chaos at Easter

eggs me on...to, well, stay at home.

--------------------------------------------------------------

When a dominatrix retires, is there a whip-round?

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 14)

-------------------------------------------------------------

An Utter Disgrace', by Vincent Hefter, Aged 14¾...

===================================

Mum says I'm a nutter.

Dad says I'm an utter disgrace.

I guess that makes me anutterdisgrace...

===================================

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not all love stories end happily - some end in marriage. No-

fault marriages, if you will. So it's only fair that we can now

apply for no-fault divorces...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not red tape that's causing all these visa delays - it's unread

tape, I fear. So many forms to fill, so many pages left unread.

And I though Whitehall farces were a thing of the past...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't plant daffs, people! Your kids might get ill. Daffod-ill!

(According to St Blaise town council, at least) #BunchOf...Nutters

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A gluten-free, vegetarian 兀, winner of the British Pi Awards,

is judged to be 3.14159265 times tastier than all the others!

I'm more of a steak & kidney man, myself...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just make sure it doesn't hit back!...

*********************************

Hitting the bottle:

not so much 'taking a swig'

as taking a swing?...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------

I've just fired nanny. Turns out my bun in the

oven was self-raising...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Can't wait for this week's Have I Got News For You and

Ian Hislop's take on Channel 4's Private Eye-sation!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Seems like Augusta's working as an (18-hole) course of

antibiotics for the Tiger: he's getting better by the day!

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Enough now! Time to attack Putin militarily - whatever

the consequences. Better to die with a clear conscience

than live with the knowledge we never did our best to

prevent so many unimaginable atrocities...

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Bitte Setzen Sie Sich...

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"This is just the borscht,"

said Hans, my German host, "the 

wurst is yet to come"...

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(17 Syllables)

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"I don't like those girls in Little Mix," I told John. He

obviously didn't believe me. "Pull the other one," he

laughed. "I did," I replied, "but I didn't like HER, either."

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Sienna Miller says she froze her eggs when she turned

40. My wife said she preferred hers scrambled, and she

had them in bed with salmon. I remember it well...

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Could it be the difference between a skincare scan and

a skincare scam is £200-£300?...

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He may have left the BBC now, but did Dan Walker

start off as a runner?...

BBC <------ Dan Walker ------> C5 (Dare I suggest that

when he leaves the Beeb, he does so in a Sinclair C5? 

Or might he end up disappearing just as quickly?)

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Shock horror: Thyme and Sage Antiseptic Wipes score

only 3/10 in Good Health survey! It seems thyme may

not be the great healer, after all...

"And as for that Myrrh Mouthwash, it's shit!" - "WASH

YOUR MOUTH OUT!" - "Sure, but not with that shit!"

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Jacob Rees-Mogg insists Boris Johnson made NO DELIBERATE

EFFORT to deceive Parliament over Partygate. Of course he didn't

- it required no effort at all, deliberate or otherwise: being economical

with the truth is something that comes naturally to our Prime Minister.

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