My contribution to the gender identity debate...

************************************

Can a woman have

a penis? "Don't ask me, mate.

But they can be pricks"...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

If my cat's no longer a spring chicken, how come it lays so many eggs?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wonder how many smackers Will Smith will be paid for his next

film? (More pertinently, WILL Smith be paid for his next film?)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Since the start of the Ukraine War, it seems even Joe Wicks has

become rather 'big belli'cose...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The transgender problem: maybe female riders should only be

allowed to compete on their menstrual cycles. That would soon 

separate the men from the boys. So to speak...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Putin the first to blink? You'd have to be a blinking idiot yourself

to fall for that...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course people fear an Andrew 'mission creep' back to royal life

- isn't that PRECISELY the creep's mission?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm jealous, man...

*******************************************

Inflation hits a

ten-year high. Wow! MY highs don't 

last nearly as long...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables) 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Leading the Queen down the aisle is one thing - leading

the country up the garden path quite another. In this case

two wrongs DO make a right: a RIGHT ROYAL COCK-UP!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"I've just caught my first fish" - "BRILL!" - "No, trout."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

HOMOPHONE - Elton John's mobile... (Just a joke -

you have to be so careful these days. I like Elton, for the

record. For ALL his records, come to think of it, haha)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"We'll now concentrate on killing you in THESE areas only,"

say the Russians. Peace talks, my arse...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please find an alternative means of payment: my wife was 

quite surprised when her card was declined. She never 

realised NOUNS could be declined, as well as verbs...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Such a shame the Queen let Andrew Marr Prince Philip's 

memorial service. Wasn't Sophie Raworth available?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

You heard it here first (the joke AND the prediction!)

***************************************

The next World Cup's soon -

though I doubt we'll even reach

the Qatar-finals...

***************************************

The next World Cup should be fun, though I doubt

England will get further than the Qatar-finals...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 29)

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOOS CHANGE - what you need if you want to spend a penny.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 29)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eating the same food every day's not as healthy as eating sesame

SEEDS ever day... #MrsBeckhamPoshNosh

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An eye for an eye, etc: don't take Will Smith's gong off him, just

slap HIM...with a fine, haha...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bugger! Turns out Rishi's 'money tree' is nothing more than a ten-

a-penny Sumac. Very pretty, but not exactly laden with fivers.

Easy mistake to make...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've always said I wouldn't like to be in Rishi Sunak's shoes, but

having seen his £335 sneakers, I'm beginning to change my mind.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Roman Abramovich poisoned! Has one of Putin's oligarchs 

suddenly become one of his oligARCH-ENEMIES?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Teaching English as a foreign language, I was once asked to

explain what the expression 'ON ICE' meant. 'IN ABEYANCE',

I said. Lesson over, I then asks the students what their

favourite TV programme was. As one, they replied:

"DANCING IN ABEYANCE', sir...

------------------------------------------------------

I guess it's what she does...

************************************

"I wonder why they 

call me Wonder Woman," she

wondered - yet again...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------

Will Smith Hits Chris Rock At Oscars...

----------------------------------------------

Didn't enjoy Chris

Rock's joke much, but didn't half

enjoy the punchline!...#WhereTheresAWill

------------------------------------------------------------------

Call Will Smith's wife a slapper and she'll probably sue 

you. Call her husband one and you've got witnesses...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Do trans women have men'strual cycles?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Jolyon Maugham QC comparing Dominic Raab to

Putin is like me comparing Marmite to a bicycle. (I

like them both, but a cycle's much harder to spread)

Not sure which comparison is more absurd...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, April 3)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Biden, Johnson, Macron, et al: methinks our current

crop of leaders is ready for harvesting. Just hope the

next lot's higher-yielding...

----------------------------------------------------------------- 

Oti Mabuse: living proof that the cream of the cream

doesn't have to be white...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Regime change, Joe? Such thoughts aren't allowed. Aloud.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW much did I weigh? THAT MUCH?...

***************************************

It wasn't a stork

we needed when you were born,

but a bloody crane!...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

How CAN trans women cyclists compete against women

if they're never on their cycle?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mother's Day: every year, my dad says the same thing to me: 

"for once in your life, son, try and spoil your mother, and

not her DAY!" And every year I get it wrong. Sorry, mum...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damien Hirst's factory workers are told not to make eye

contact with him. MY advice would be not to make eye

contact with his WORK. Not a fan...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Naomi Pohl, the first general secretary of the Musicians'

Union, has received hundreds of sex abuse claims, 

apparently. Just hope the attacks weren't orchestrated.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Do trans women have men'strual cycles?...

------------------------------------------------------------

To a mother now long since departed,

A "mummy" so warm and kind-hearted,

You battled your tumour 

With courage and humour

And a wisdom and love you've implanted, x

-------------------------------------------------------------

(Never speak ill of the dead, but this is a work of

fiction. My parents imparted no love whatsoever.

A skill they appear to have passed on to me)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Possessions don't make you happy, people do," said 

Prince Philip (MoS). He was only partly right. As any 

poet will attest, words set in a certain order become 

much valued mental possessions, and provide 

inestimable joy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Possessions don't make you happy, people do," said 

Prince 'Fillip'. For that's exactly what his constant 

presence by her side gave his wife...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Indig-nation after nation after nation: 'King Charles?

***king Charles, more like,' seems to be the

Commonwealth Caribbean's attitude to the monarchy

as it looks to the future...

------------------------------------------------------

Food - for thought...

**********************************

There's nothing wrong with

a club sandwich - as long as

the club's not Chelsea!...

**********************************

(#abramovich: 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------

Dribble, tackle, shoot or pass

This winger simply oozes class...

But Gareth Bale's

Country's WALES!

(His one mistake, the silly ar**)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

It's a pity the Ship of State isn't part of the P & O fleet.

We could do with a new crew running the place...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Not only is Harry playing second fiddle to Meghan, I 

fear he's also being slowly orcastrated...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Saudi Grand Prix: seems to be a case of F1 saying FU

to human rights. Yet again... #sportswashing

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did no one ever advise P & O to mind its Ps and Qs?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Toilet humour, I guess...

=========================================

"My great-great-grandfather, great-grandfather,

grandfather and father were all loo attendants"

- "And you, too?" - "No, I managed to break the

chain".

"Is that why they fired you?" 

=========================================

------------------------------------------------------------------------

TERF WARS - probably safer to keep your views to yourself!

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 26)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE NAAN MOVIE - would probably leave a better taste 

in the mouth than Catherine Tate's effort (probably make 

more bread at the box office, too)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Nan Movie is savaged by critics. "Am I bovvered?"...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 29)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

For Graham 'Father Ted' Linehan read Graham 'Devasta-Ted' 

Linehan. What a sad old world we live in...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Must be the stiff upper one...

***************************************

KEEP BALM AND CARRY

ON - it takes more than the odd

chapped lip to stop ME!...

***************************************

What should an Englishman do if his stiff upper

lip's chapped? - KEEP BALM AND CARRY ON!

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 19: 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, such ugly and expensive shoes! Don't expect ME to

foot the bill. Bill the foot!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 24 (anon))

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

People are always said to have died 'after a brave battle with

cancer'. Has anyone ever passed away after a cowardly one?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is Julian Assange now being kept under WEDlock and key?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife couldn't wait to ditch refined carbs, but she's dead

keen on vulgar fractions! Can't take her anywhere!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm surprised Rachel Reeves didn't attack Alice's tax bands.

Maybe she quite likes 'em?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

No wonder footballers have got so much energy - they're the

only ones who can afford any these days...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

When it comes to fighting inflation, I'm not sure a tax is the

best form of defence...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 20)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

SITTING ON DE FENCE - NATO continues to avoided 

making tricky decisions...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Noddy Holder of High Office: listening to the Chancellor

delivering his Spring Statement, Boris Johnson did indeed

resemble Churchill. The nodding dog...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

penne pinching...

*************************************

My recipe book's

a scrapbook, really - that's all

I can afford. Scraps...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

An 8-page special on savings? Thank you, Money Mail. I

didn't read any of it, so saved...at least ten minutes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

As Kurt Zouma's now found out: make your cat's life hell 

and you've not got a cat in hell's chance of getting away

with it. Poetic justice, I guess...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Andy Warhol and Ukraine War hell, side by side in the 

paper. An estimated £150 million for a 40 inch square 

silkscreen image on the one hand, God knows how many 

million refugees fleeing for their lives on the other. What 

sort of warped planet do we live on?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Snowboarding's great if you're piste off with business -

standing on a board's so much more fun than sitting on one!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

So what if a street's called Nelson's Row? Can't Lambeth

Council just turn a blind eye to it?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

KILLERWATTS - my leccy bill will be the death of me!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

No matter how severe the current financial crisis, I know

I'll always manage to put food on the table. Trouble is, 

it'll be someone ELSE'S table. I'm a waiter...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

£14.99 for a bottle of Sandringham washing-up liquid? I

wonder if there's an equally expensive Sandringham soap

available should the Queen decide to was her hands of 

such blatant commercialisation...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sandringham washing-up liquid: perfet for cleaning the 

dishes after a hearty meal of (House of) Windsor soup

and (Mount)battenberg cake. (How else to raise the

money for Andrew's out-of-court settlement?)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Our hens are pretty domesticated - not only did they 

lay these eggs, they laid the table, too...

------------------------------------------------------------------

"I grant you 3 Rishis," said the genie. "Tell you what,

mate - if any ONE of them can get us out of this mess,

then it's the CHANCELLOR who's the f**king genie-us".

------------------------------------------------------------------

And a couple of Limp Bizkit albums...

******************************

BROKEN LEG-ACY:

looks like I've inherited

my grandad's crutches...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Yippee! I've just been accepted as a member of DENSA!

Mind you, I'm not really sure what that means. I think

that's what swung it for me...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Talk about the punishment fitting the crime: Kurt Zouma

should consider himself lucky the cat o'nine tails has been

consigned to history...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 22)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Teeny-Weeny Sweeney? The West Midlands Plod: not

so much 'The Sweeney Todd', more 'The Sweeney Toddlers'?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another 'marriage'? Whenever Silvio Berlusconi promises 

to love someone 'forever', I'm not sure whether he means 

Friday week or the following Monday. Whichever's the 

cheaper, probably. Poor woman - in either case, it'll 

probably SEEM like forever...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Fracking in the UK is too risky because we have too dense

a population, apparently. I can well believe it. If you want

proof as to HOW dense we are, just take a look at who we 

voted in as Prime Minister. 'Nuff said...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

You can't say fairer than that...

***********************************

I've no idea how

old my girlfriend is, but she

doesn't look her age... 

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

Sheep are dumb - both Ewe and Ram...

The only one who wrote was Lamb (1775-1834)

----------------------------------------------------------

CHOC ABSORBERS - what a Ferrari Rocher has?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Yippee! Sunshine! Hope it lasts till Easter - who doesn't

deserve some VERY, VERY hot cross buns this year?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Could GPSystem be used to help track down a GP who's

actually willing to see me?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why exactly DOES Norway buy so much English wine? 

"Because it's afjordable?"...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Hard times: I walked into the local milliner's and asked

for an energy price cap, but the only one they had was

WAY too expensive, so I settled for a pork pie hat.

Comfort food...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Food - for thought...

***********************************

If we are what we

eat, why aren't I VERY RICH?

The food I eat is!...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My ex was a cougar. Trouble was, she found out I was 

a cheeteh. Mind you, we were both animals in bed while 

it lasted.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul Merton went down a storm last night. Could the gales

of laughter coming from our many comedy clubs be used to

augment our wind farms' output?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A weight-loss plan anyone can stick to? That's all very well, 

but does Velcro REALLY contain all a body's essential nutrients?

----------------------------------------------------------------

Seeing as all Liz Jones owns in the world are a couple of bath 

and hand towels, I suggest she pours herself a couple of martinis 

and dries them very, very thoroughly!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, Boris Johnson may well have stepped up when it 

comes to 'the war', but that doesn't mean he shouldn't 

step down when it's over. A la his beloved Churchill.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If anyone's earned the right to be called the gaffer, surely

it's Boris Johnson. He seems incapable of getting through

a single week without making at least one gaffe. Is this

really the best our country has to offer?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why shouldn't the Royal Horticultural Society continue to 

use the term 'electronic communication' instead of 'email'? 

If anyone's entitled to use flowery language, they are!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will Putin win? "NOT ON MY WATCH!" says Zelenski 

(even if it's not an £8,000 Blancpain Grande Date Aqua  

Lung one, like his Russian counterpart's). Oh well, 

at least Putin will be able to tell the exact time it all went 

wrong for him...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Putin ever decides to really throw the book at brave

Russian TV protestor Marina Ovsyannikova, I sincerely

hope it's not Tolstoy's War and Peace. A book like that

could cause a great deal of damage...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The difference between Rishi Sunak and Boris Johnson? 

Rishi says families are struggling, 'but he's got their backs'. 

Boris? He knows families are struggling, too - but he gets 

their backs UP...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It's time to end this 'ludicrous debate' on pronouns," says 

Liz Truss (she/her/hers - except sometimes on a Tuesday).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

5,500 children on a gender-swap waiting list? Is it me, or is

this just another fad, like hoola hops and finger spinners? THE.

WORLD. HAS. GONE. MAD. And I'm doubtless not even allowed 

to say that. Probably time for me to identify as a dinosaur...

--------------------------------------------------------

Caribbean charm offensive, anyone? Seems some of 

the locals do indeed find 'colonial' charm offensive. The 

Cambridges may have turned on the charm, but 

apparently at least some of the Belizeans turned on them. 

It's only a matter of time, I suggest, before certain ties are 

irrevocably severed...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, March 27)

----------------------------------------------------

Good to know that he undying support of her loyal 

subjects has given the Queen a sizeable lift - and I 

hear she's already had it installed at Balmoral!...

---------------------------------------------

Why not to York?...

********************************

Sending Prince Andrew

to Coventry's really not

fair on Coventry...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------

She's married to such a great fella,

With a daughter, the young Gabriella,

But now (as we've seen)

The brave Nazanin's

Due a life we all hope will be STELLAR!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Not sure how good the 'once-feted but ill-fated' Roman

Abramovich's English is, but he's sure learning about

'homophones' the hard way...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope Lang Lang's going to support the 800 sacked staff

and never play the P&O again! - "It's 'piano', you fool!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Now she's single again, will we be seeing the publicity-

shy Denise Van Outen about again soon?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Memo to Kurt Zouma: looking after cats is a habit you

should consider kicking... #RSPCA

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I'll be dammed! Belvoirs are making a comeback!

Maybe a certain castle has a moat they could swim in?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

P & O Ferries suspend services, crews go completely

overboard... #VERYVERYCROSSCHANNELcrews

---------------------------------------------------------------------

If he really wants to do the world a favour whilst he's in 

Moscow, couldn't the admirable Steve Rosenberg, BBC 

Russia Editor - a highly accomplished pianist - arrange 

an audience with President Putin and honour him with 

a recital of suitably ambient music? Remaining bellicose 

in such circumstances would be nigh on impossible. 

We've tried just about everything else...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, March 20)

---------------------------------------------------------

Putin...

******************************************

A president, not

a king. Came close, though: he's a

***king president...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lia, Lia, pants on fire! For transgender swimmer Lia Thomas

to say she doesn't have an unfair advantage over her fellow

competitors makes an utter travesty of female sport. In ALL

other respects, good luck to her...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Giving an address to Congress is one thing, telling them

whose it is and including the zip code is quite another...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife knocked me out last night with a single punch.

There was FAR too much rum in it!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Not sure where little Tommy gets his energy from," sighs 

mummy. "Gulf states, probably," explains dad, "says he 

want nothing to do with Russia now"...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ed Sheeran's copyright battle: why oh why oh why is it

taking so long?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

RACHAEL BLACKMORE!!! A jockey I ought to back more!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Not just any flatulence, G-FLATulence!...

*******************************

Dad's so musical, 

he even FARTS in the key

of G-flat major...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------

Today's 'Fuck Putin' specials...

------------------------------------

CHICKEN KYIV   -  chicken Kiev, four pieces.

CHICKEN KYV     -  chicken Kiev, five pieces.

CHICKEN KYVI    -  chicken Kiev, six pieces.

CHICKEN KYVII   -  chicken Kiev, seven pieces.

CHICKEN KYVIII  -  enough, already! 

---------------------------------------------------------------- 

A joke - but not a humerus one...

-----------------------------------------

Remember when a fibula and tibia met atarsal once

for dinner? What a threesome that turned out to be!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, but I hate the 4 x 100m, the 4 x 200m and the 4 x 

400m. (I'll probably get trolled now for being a relay racist)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I come from a long

line of haikuists. Or should

that be three short lines?   (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 17)

(To show what idiots they are, they couldn't even publish that in 5-7-5)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A Greggs double-decker...

*************************************

A Greggs clothing range? 

Whatever next? Spuds in their

designer jackets?...

*****************************************

Can't help but wonder

if this 'Greggs clothing range' will 

include pork pie hats...

*****************************************

('XXXLent idea!" say most of Greggs' customers, between mouthfuls) 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ode to Thomas Markle...

------------------------------

Like a rumpled old bear with a thorn in its paw,

He cursed and he raged, then cursed a bit more...

"Oh, why did she marry

This prince they call Harry?"

Sighed this rumpled old bear (now a father-in-law)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Sighed the rumpled old bear with a thorn in its paw.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Rebel Wilson: not so much Rebel Without a Cause, more

'Rebel Without Applause'. I doubt she'll be asked back...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Russian oligarchs or Saudi oilygarchs? I'm not sure there

IS a lesser of two evils when it comes to where the hell 

we get our oil from...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

IT'S A MIRROR-cle!...

Fuck me! Alice has just climbed

through that looking-glass!...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not saying my newsagent's a nutter, but...how many

newsagents put your paper on the scales and ask "how

many?" And when you reply "half a lb, please," they 

throw in a couple of extra pages?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Samantha Markle: not so much Prince Harry's sister-in-

law, more his sister-in-lawcourt. Sad...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

As Kate Garraway is (hopefully) finding, thyme isn't

the only great healer - there's also honeyberry, rosemary

and marsh mallow, and a whole lot more...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

People in glass houses shouldn't throw parties...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Rock Till We Drop? Right up my Tin Pan Alley!

How about 'Geri Atrick & The Rocking Chairs'?

Can I be on maracas? (edited version)

(Vincent Hefter, Weekend Magazine, March 12)

---------------------------------------------------------

A list of [sic] jokes...

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I FEAL [SIC] - a bit of a bad spel [sic], is it?

SEE [SIC] - shouldn't have booked that cruise, mate.

[SIC] TRANSIT GLORIA MUNDI - [this] passes the glory of the world.

AS A PAROT [SIC] - you're out of order, chum!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- you're Brahms and (a short) List again, dad!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Every single person on this planet has a fundamental right

to get this vaccine" - Meghan. The only thing is, she doesn't

go on to say which planet she's actually on these days...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

No wonder Harry won't be coming over for his grandad's

thanksgiving service. I doubt there's much transport

available from whichever planet he's on these days...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

See what happens when you try to get to work on a 

penny farthing, Jeremy Vine? It costs me £4.90 these

days. But at least I don't get a black eye!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Fed up with Boris, but not sure how we'd fare without

him? How about a Keirtaker government, just to see 

how it goes?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Unlike William of Orange, Prince Harry will never be 

king. So, what the heck, if he wants to dress up as Harry

of Orange for a few minutes, good luck to him - it's as 

close as he'll get... #InvictusGamesNetherlands

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Fracking doesn't half lead to heated discussions. If only

we could learn how to harness that heat!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Enjoying yourself is important. Makes it so much easier

to enjoy someone else...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Meals throw in (or thrown over, if you're crap)

**************************************

if after dinner

speakers believe in free speech,

how much do they charge?

**************************************

how much do after

dinner speakers charge if they

believe in free speech?

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The apple never falls far from the tree - doesn't have to

pay windfall tax, either. About time this Government got

it's finger out. Granny Smith's laughing her head off!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ditch the bottle? Not a problem. I ditched it years ago!

Boxed wines only, and I've never looked back...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How many is it now? 13? It's hard to keep abreast 

of Katie Price's boob jobs...

------------------------------------------------------------

TERROR FIRMA - Planet Earth these days...

--------------------------------------------------------------

20 parties are still interested in buying Chelsea FC, 

apparently. That's almost as many as were held in

No 10 over the Christmas period...

----------------------------------------------------------------

I was offered some free sea-fishing the other day. 

"Free? What's the catch?" I asked. "Mackerel, mostly. 

Turbot, if you're lucky," they replied...

----------------------------------------------------------------

THE GLUECOSE DIET - so easy to stick to!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 5)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Have you ever seen an ugly dog? No, me neither. Are 

facelifts pretty stupid? Of course they're not - they're

UGLY stupid! Raging against ageing, THAT'S what's

pretty stupid. Be pretty, not stupid. Acceptance is

beauty. Just saying. THE END.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Mike Bushell's is always crooked, and Andrew Marr 

has cut all his. What is it with ties and the BBC?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe Keir Starmer's definition of a 'woman' lost

something in trans-lation?...

------------------------------------------------------------

My bank account's on a diet - it lost 350 pounds last week...

***************************************

Will I lose much on

a soup and shake diet? Depends

on how long you shake!...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

F1 testing: final day:

----------------------------------------------

Daniel Ricciardo: tested positive.

All the other drivers: tested negative.

----------------------------------------------

Testing completed... #Covid19

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prince Harry may well have attended a rodeo recently, but the

only thing HE seems to mount these days is legal challenges...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

20 parties are still interested in buying Chelsea FC, apparently.

"Bring a bottle or cocktail?" asks No 10, excitedly...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Elon Musk and Grimes's first two children are called 

'X' and 'Y'. Someone had better warn them that their

next one's in danger of becoming Russia's symbol of

ultra-nationalist obeisance... #Z

----------------------------------------------------------------

I hope to God someone takes Putin out soon. And I

don't mean for tea...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to know how to define a woman, look it

up in the 'dick'tionary, for Christ's sake. Or, as my

wife prefers to call it, the 'labia'ry...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The Fall of the Roman Empire: how embarrassing for

Roman Abramovich! Stripped of his ownership of

Premier League Chelsea by League Two politicians...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

It's an effing WAR! It's not a military offensive.

I find the term 'military offensive'

offensive...

--------------------------------------------------------

The name's Bond. James Bond. (He/him)

Utter lunacy (but utter it quietly)

--------------------------------------------------

AQUAMATION: H20 - it's the way2go!...

------------------------------------------------

Volodymyr Zelensky...

=================================

A comic who was once quite a silly 'un

Is suddenly a man in a million...

No longer hilarious

He's now deadly serious

And a leader who's rather Churchillian.

=================================

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 18)

=================================

Dizzee Rascal, my

arse. Time to change your name to

Dizzee Abuser...

*******************************************

(Guilty as charged: 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

The Cardiff Philharmonic refusing to play Tchaikovsky?

That's not even virtue-signalling - it's VIRTUOSO-

signalling! Give us a break from such madness...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

An honorary knighthood for Volodymyr Zelensky? After

the ennoblement of Gavin Williamson?... Would there

ever have been as <--- big ---> a gap in the history of big

gaps between the respective merits of two recipients of

the same honour? What the f*ck does a knighthood mean

these days? It would come across as more of an insult.

How soon before I can buy one in Poundland?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------- 

"Grab your coat, you've pulled!" said the lad in the 

nightclub. "Little ol' me?" exclaimed Miss Piggy, "glory 

be, so THIS is how it feels to be pulled pork!"...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, pigs are intelligent, but has anyone bothered to 

work out what the oinks and grunts of the more 

cerebrally-challenged male chauvinist pigs mean yet?

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Volodymyr Zelenski used to be a comedian. A good one. So

none of his jokes were ever as UNFUNNY as our current PM's

- who still IS a comedian. But a poor one. Here are 3 of Johnson's

jokes: Nadine Dorries, Priti Patel and Liz Truss. None of this is funny.

Nor is it meant to be. I'm embarrassed for our country. At a time of

crisis, what a disastrous hand we've been dealt.

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One for the oligarchs...

*********************************

When you're rich, to sleep

in your PJs means to sleep

in your Private Jets...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

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Who cares if I can't fill MY tank. As long as the Russian 

military can't afford to fill THEIRS (the ones that 

HAVEN'T been destroyed yet).

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CIDER FECTS - the reason I don't drink scrumpy...

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Pity the shepherd who can't afford to pay his staff...

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Will Ed Sheeran's next single be 'Singing in the Arraign'?𝅘𝅥𝅯

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Bully for you, Lord Lisvane and fellow victims of John

Bercow's abuse. Good to know no one's above the law.

Especially the ex-Speaker. At 5'5" he's not above

anything much, to be honest. And I make no apologies 

for stature-shaming in this case. "Be done as you would 

do by," so to speak...

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Unfriendly c*nt publishes list of unfriendly countries.

All I can say is: I HOPE WE'RE RIGHT AT THE TOP!

#abouttimehewasPUTINhisplace

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All those who were once left 'bercowering in fear' at

the sight of the ex-Speaker will be feeling a good deal

better today, I imagine...

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With everyone boycotting Russian goods right now, 

do you watch what you're buying?" - "Only the videos. 

Not worth buying them otherwise - watched the last

one for about 90 minutes, including the boopers"...

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F*ck political correctness! The sheer lack of humanity,

the brazen disingenuousness and the mind-blowing

incompetence of certain UK politicos makes me want

to knock someone's effing lights out. #PatelTrussJohnsonetal 

#Ukraine (Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned)

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Don't talk to me about God...

****************************************

In the beginning

was the Word. Then along came

that f**king Putin...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

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PRITI PATELLA: she, too, may once have 'engaged in bullying 

behaviour', but it looks like SHE'LL only get sacked if she does

actually kneecap someone...

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All my wife and I ever argue about is our over-reliance on the microwave.

But at least our arguments get heated in less than 2 minutes (700W).

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 30)

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Why does the term 'nuclear family' now fill me with dread? #Zaporizhzhia

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Is Boris richer than we thought? He's got SO MUCH ENERGY - 

and energy's damned expensive these days!...

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Volodymyr Zelensky: one in a million - and rather Churchillian?

Sure puts Johnson in the shade...

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Must be the honeymoon period...

*************************************

My girlfriend reads me

like a book. A right good 'un - 

she can't put me down!...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

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"It was easy to put my finger on why I performed poorly in 

Australia," says Ben Stokes. Of course it was - it had been 

operated on twice and he could put it on anything now...

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Many an actor is like a curate's egg - only good in parts.

Speaking parts. But not Volodymyr Zelensky. He's good 

in real life, too. Bloody brilliant, in fact...

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"Bloody ugly house," said my builder. Mum told me you 

should always get two quotes from builders, but I decided 

to pass on the second one...

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"Kangaroo court makes Bercow hopping mad". Well, it

made ME laugh. (The verdict's today - no wonder he's feeling,

er, 'jumpy', haha...)

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