GUILTY!

******************************************************

Whilst Ghislaine Maxwell has been found

guilty, Prince Andrew continues to lie low.

******************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------

Not sure how Posh Spice's fashion empire has accrued 

such losses - seeing as it has provided an incredible 

amount of material over the years..........to satirists!

------------------------------------------------------------------

The 's' in 'Ghislaine' remains silent. Thankfully, 

her victims decided that THEY no longer could.

---------------------------------------------------------

IKEA: if only I could put up their furniture as

fast as they've put up their prices!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

No wonder Worzel Gummidge has been accused

of being littered with innuendos. It was written by

a well-known Crook...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

IN ROSSENDALE WE CALL OUR IDIOTS 'THE COUNCIL' (mugs)

Not sure what's more amusing: the mugs flying off the shelf, 

or the councillors flying off the handle! (Or the handles flying

off the mugs? haha....)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************

SAXOPHON FOR SALE,

twenty-seven pounds only.

Missing an E. Tel:...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

What? You use the shuffle button when listening to 

albums? That's out of order!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 30)

----------------------------------------------------------------

"No Vacc" Djokovic has now withdrawn from the ATP 

Cup. Makes me wonder if Mr Djokovic is somehow 

related to Mr Imbecilic...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Just as batsmen aren't 'batsmen' any more, but 'batters', 

so Australia doesn't just win any more - it batters...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

THE MERCHANT OF VENISON - speciality butcher...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Certain rather ungracious Harry Potter stars should remember 

that the platform they are now using to express their views is

the one created for them by JK Rowling: platform 9¾ !

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

No way should we merely be given the Covid facts and figures

and be told to act sensibly. We elected Boris! How f***ing

sensible was that?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

My girlfriend couldn't find a Mr Right, she tells me, so she's

making do with a Mr Right Now. Charmed, I'm sure...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Ashes debacle...

*******************************

I don't want Joe Root

to step aside, but I do 

wish Chris Silverwood!...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------

"Party with abandon!" says Boris. As yet more

people abandon his Party...

==========================================

Party with abandon or abandon all parties? Can't

help feeling Boris has got it wrong. Again. I guess

we''ll find out soon enough...

------------------------------------------------------------

ENGLAND BATSMEN HIT ROCK BOTTOM!

(They were probably grateful to hit anything)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Talk about the England batsmen getting their ducks

in a row: 54 of them in 2021 - that's a lot of ducks!

---------------------------------------------------------------

All these photos of 'celebrities' in the Maldives. I'm

off to Skeggy next week, if any paps are interested.

---------------------------------------------------------------

FORGET-ME-KNOTS - the half-hitch and the 

figure of eight are the only ones I can remember!...

---------------------------------------------------------------

FARMER GUSTA - Cypriot immigrant now has

a smallholding in Somerset...

-----------------------------------------------------

Boxing Day night: same old, same old...

******************************

7:10: apple

crumble...1:15: England 

crumble. Hate cricket!

******************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

After the Ashes debacle, I desperately needed a 

boost. Turns out there were plenty of vaccination 

centres more than happy to oblige...

------------------------------------------------------------

QÜRTIYE - President Erdogan's preferred

version of the qwerty keyboard...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

England crumble: at least when we make a meal of batting in

the Ashes, it's a tasty one. Almost as good as apple or rhubarb!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's that? Turkey? Chicken? Duck? (It's not much 

fun when your signature dish turns out to be illegible)

------------------------------------------------------------------

extreme childsplay...

*************************************

is an absurdly

straightforward jigsaw puzzle

a game of two halves?...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Will those of us who thought President Erdogan rather

quirky now have to think of him as a bit qürkiye?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So the blind are now 'blind people' and the deaf are now

'deaf people'? Really? The blind don't see the point and 

the deaf have never heard such nonsense! Feel free to 

disagree, of course, but please don't call me ignorant - 

I prefer the term 'ignorant person', OK? The world's

gone mad cognitively disabled!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

TV: when there's too much crap and not enough carp, 

call in Mortimer & Whitehouse. I'm hooked!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Same old, same old: 7:15 - apple crumble, 1:00am -

England crumble. Who'd be a cricket fan?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Romy Iris Charlotte Johnson...

******************************

Romy wasn't built

in a day, as they say. It 

took Carrie 9 months!...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Thank God the days have started to get lighter. Once 

I've finished off the turkey, chocolates and Christmas 

cake, I hope to get lighter, too!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

If Charlotte is the apple of Carrie's eye, is

Apple the Charlotte of Gwyneth's?... (Paltrow)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

It wasn't just a white Christmas - the whole bloody year 

was white! Not a day seemed to go by without someone 

complaining about the number of snowflakes around!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm an animal lover - knowing where my loyalties lie is

a direct result of finding out how often my friends do!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Great news! Looks like the four pubs still in existence next

June Bank Holiday will be allowed to stay open till 1am!... 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yuletide felicitations...

  ****************************************         

           WISHING YOU ALL 

              A VERY HAPPY

    3 PLY TYPE IIR CHRISTMASK! 

*****************************************

-----------------------------------------

Happy Christmas to 

you and yours...his and hers...and 

maybe even theirs!...

-----------------------------------------

(17 Syllables)

And Ma'amite on the spuds?...

************************************

Only the best for 

Her Majesty's turkey, don't 

you know: well bred sauce!...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

It's not a question of our batsmen being 'out of form',

they're just not up to it! Facing facts seems to be 

every bit as difficult as facing Australia...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 24)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 2nd Term-inator! Apparently, Joe Biden's thinking of

running for a 2nd term. Well, shuffling along for one, anyway.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW big's that turkey?...

*************************************

The days start getting

lighter now - but not me. Not

with Christmas coming!...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

(As of yesterday the days are starting to get lighter. 

No chance of ME getting lighter till WELL after 

Christmas. Thank God for elasticated trousers!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maureen Lipman's right. I'm not sure we're even allowed to

laugh our heads off any more. Way too distressing an image

for today's snowflakes. (But laughing your socks off is still 

OK, apparently, seeing as the nudity would only be partial)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

ChrysantheMum and Dad's neighbours?

****************************

Feliz Navimum?

Is that Feliz Navidad's

long-suffering wife?...

****************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

The Ashes: facing facts is just as tough as facing

Australia - we just haven't got what it takes...

----------------------------------------------------------------

I hope magistrates gave Chris Whitty's attacker, who

appeared on a court video wearing a night gown, a

dressing gown down he'd never forget!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

How soon before Bambi gets an (18) rating? It's A

Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (U)...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Rod Stewart's Rolls must have cost him a pretty Penny.

And I'm sure his pretty Penny appreciates it...

------------------------------------------------------------------

You SHALL go to the ball, Cinderella! (But not until 

February). You SHAN'T go to the wall, Andrew Lloyd

Webber! (Well, we certainly hope not). F***ing Covid.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 27)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A £554m divorce? Proof, yet again, that not all love stories

end happily - some end in marriage...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

We're second only to Sweden...

**********************************

Seems our taste for junk

food is matched only by our 

taste for junk MPs...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Would it be wrong to stuff this year's turkey with

Sage members who think they know their onions?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

No Sandringham? Will that mean it's Windsor soup instead

of Norfolk turkey for Her Maj this year?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

As an animal lover, I love the tale of the Snappy Rat, the 

Downing Street Mole and all the Eager Beavers trying to 

track them down. It's right up there with Wind In The Willows!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Strictly's Rose Ayling-Ellis: giving it both barrels...

*******************************************

No Rose by any 

other name would dance as sweet.

Congratulations!...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

What, ANOTHER job? Boris's current motto seems

to be "In Liz We Truss"...

------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife says I'm one in a million. She's wrong. I got

jabbed on Saturday. That makes me one in 986,689.

Close enough, I suppose...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Shame Dame Sarah didn't win SPOTY. What a Storey

that would have been...

---------------------------------------------------------------

I'm pretty sure the No 10 garden photo shows a 

business meeting with a (cheese)board of governors. 

Nothing wrong with mixing business with pleasure!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm pretty sure the No 10 garden photo shows a business

meeting with a (cheese)board of governors. Nothing

wrong with mixing business and pleasure!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

LOCKGOWN - that's 'pyjamas', to you and me...

---------------------------------------------------------

Three feet in a yard - and not one of them's mine...

*********************************

It's not a foot I've

got on the housing ladder -

it's an inch, at most...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Gifts are like sex,' says Rosie Green, 'you have to ask what 

your partner wants'. Trouble is, in my case, when I do give 

her what she wants, she says she'd like it in a size bigger.

It really IS like sex!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd rather do bird at Bernard Matthews' turkey factory than

porridge at the Quaker Oats milling facility. Hate the stuff!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

We're all wanting a Christmas to die for - and this year,

according to the scientists, quite a few of us might! So be

careful what you wish for. Happy Christmask!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

If Spotty can change his name to Scotty, maybe 'Beano'

can change its name to 'Business Meeting'? wonders Boris

(as ever more Tory beanos come to light).

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I wonder if Boris will ever buy his kids a swing as large

as the one enjoyed by the Lib Dems in N. Shropshire!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I reckon the Government should use Nina Conti to promote

mask-wearing. Humour can overcome so many barriers, and

anyone who's seen one of her shows might never look at

masks in the same light again!...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, December 19)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Because!...

***********************************

Write 'x' and vote for

me! yelled the prat. But all I

could think of was 'y'... 

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

PRETTY POLLYTICIAN - PM who keeps repeating

3-word slogans, parrot-fashion...

----------------------------------------------------------

For years we've been addicted to heating up our 

Christmas dinner to eat for days afterwards. Not 

this year - we've decided to go cold turkey...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 28)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Turns out hitting Prince Andrew's car on the window is

bang, bang (bang, bang, bang) out of order! Who knew?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Romy Iris Charlotte Johnson: Romy wasn't built in

a day, as they say. It took Carrie all of 9 months!...

----------------------------------------------------------------

If Charlotte is the apple of Carrie's eye, is Apple the

Charlotte of Gwyneth's? (Paltrow)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Quack cocaine - it can get to you...

********************************

"Donald, duck! I've got

a gun, and I'm not afraid

to use it!" he quacked...

********************************

(17Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

HE AND SHE-NANIGANS - canoodling...

HE AND SHE-NANIGANS ON A BOAT - white-water canoodling.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The difference between Chris Whitty and Boris Johnson is the

difference between a stand-up guy and a stand-up comedian...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tories turning on their leader is no more remarkable than me

turning on the central heating (or Boris turning on his wife. Not!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There may be life in the old dog yet when it comes to Boris, but it's

hard to tell when it comes to the charisma-challenged Sir Keir. The

thing is, he'll have put us to sleep long before the time ever comes 

to do the same to him! (Mind you, we'd only be putting him to sleep

to put us out of our misery)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's official! When it comes to cutting grass, scythe matters! (they're

making a comeback, apparently). It'th what I alwayth thought: thythe

matter!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3 lines. (That's 3 lines more than on her face!)

**************************************

Chantelle's not well. She

hasn't looked herself for years.

"That's Botox for you"...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My lawyer's such a keep-fit  nut, he doesn't file lawsuits - he files 

TRACKsuits! But at least they match his briefs...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chris Whitty says we should pick our parties with care. I will do!

As long as Boris in in charge, I'll pick the LABOUR party!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whitty/Johnson press conferences: who to listen to - the boffin...

or the buffoon? Tough one. Not.

(Whitty gives us facts, Boris gives us Whittycisms. Make up your

own mind as to who you want to listen to)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No matter how often Boris goes jogging, he'll never be fit....for office.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When is a party not a party?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Party? What party?" said a Downing Pints Street spokesman.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

After COBRA meetings, do Cabinet members

go back to Downing Pints Street?...

-----------------------------------------------------

Sow your wild oats with too much abandon 

and you could well end up doing porridge...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 15)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE SAJ MAHAL - Health Secretary moves into No 10! It can 

now serve as a monument to his predecessor's incompetence...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Knick-knack paddywhack, give the dog a Bono Christmas

song: Christmas (Baby Please Come Home). My pooch loves it!

(Dogs' Christmas top ten - news item today)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris's premier(sinking)ship: "You'll go down in history, Boris,"

I said. "How FAR down?" he replied. (It's not heights he's afraid

of, it's depths)

Poor old Boris. He was once the best thing since sliced bread. Now he's toast.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stocking up for Christmas...

*****************************

It isn't just at

Christmas I appreciate 

a well-filled stocking...

*****************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

PROSECCUTED - sorry, too much sparkling wine, 

m'lud... (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 14)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

NatWest get taken to the cleaners for money-laundering.

Talk about the punishment fitting the crime! (Or could 

whoever it was who took there be done for aiding and 

abetting, haha...) 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Does Emma Raducanu really want to be BBC Sports

Personality of the Year? No teenager wants to be SPOTY!

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 17)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The only reason stressed women hit the bottle and not 

their husbands is that they know bottles have a glass jaw.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Abu Dhabi GP: utter FIA incompetence...

********************************

F1 RACE is an

anagram of 1 FARCE. And 

we all now know why...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Formula One? Maybe they should rename it 'Formula

One-der what the rules are today'?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

It's all about engineering in F1. Engineering a result.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Formula One - Formula Lost - Formula One - Formula 

Lost - Formula Won! What's not to understand?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

F1 is an appealing sport - you can't beat the thrill of

trying to guess which appeal will be upheld next!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm very worried about what sort of effect the Omicron

variant will have on Piers Morgan's book sales. As I'm

sure we all are...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Boxing? Amanda Platell's not the first to realise the

benefits of a health and wellness spar!...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Twenty20: a haiku of 20 overs. Short-form poetry...

**************************************

Whack it, wicket, snick 

it...wicket, whack it and nick  

it!...Just the ticket!

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now Broccoli's poured water on a FEMALE Bond, will a female 

Bond pour water on Broccoli? Or has she already eaten?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Cooper is a maker of barrels. Barrels of laughter, in Daisy

May's case. Deserves all the success she's currently enjoying.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Piers Morgan, please note: we didn't say we wanted you in 

our Christmas stocking. What we said was 'we wish you'd

put a sock in it'. Not quite the same...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's hoping that North Shropshire proves to be not so

much a by-election, but a bye-bye-election as far as our

PM is concerned...See ya, Boris!

--------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Marriage: the rule of (under her) thumb...

************************************

It's a doddle, men:

adore her, don't bore her, do

all her chores for her...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Find you're getting nowhere fast in life? Buy an exercise 

bike. You'll still get nowhere, of course - but a little bit 

faster every day. Saves time...

(Try to buy a Peloton at a discounted price and you'll get

nowhere fast. A bit like riding one, in fact)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

How did I survive Storm Barra? By drinking! Tawny,

rosé, ruby or white - any port in a storm, as they say!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, dear. Following the birth of his baby, it looks like 

Boris's Tory colleagues may well be manoeuvring for 

him to take eternity leave...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wallpapergate: Don't tell me they're going to be tearing 

Boris off a strip. Again. Those strips are extremely 

expensive! (£840 a roll, by all accounts)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, Boris, old boy, but calling for you to resign is also 

a proportionate and responsible action, Boris. As I'm 

sure you understand...

------------------------------------------------------------------

HAL-AL...

How do  or did   AL JOLSON, 

                         AL CAPONE,

                         AL MURRAY,

                         AL PACINO and

                         AL GORE like their pasta?...

                          AL DENTE. How else?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"I've got a new secret ary!" - "Don't you mean 'secretary'?"

- "No, she's that pretty, I haven't dared tell my wife yet!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Botox for camels? What the f***? Do they want them to

look like a youthful Engelbert Hump-hump-erdinck?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Video killed the radio star. Looks like it might have done

for the PM, too...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

How hard must it be right now for Tory MPs to toe the

(it wasn't a) party line?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

I always thought the quality of Sainsbury's food was

debatable. But not at the Oxford Union, surely?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

MATHEMATICIAN'S DISH OF THE DAY...

      Pi AND CHIPS............£3.14159

      ---------------------------------------

     Always served in direct proportion

to the size of your plate's circumference...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe they should rename the Conservative Party 'the

Conservative Business Meeting'...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 10)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

COLE'S LAW - "never with steak," declares footballer Ashley.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris denies being leader of the Conservative 'Party', but

admits to being leader of the Conservative 'Business Meeting'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Was there a clown at the Downing Street party? No, Boris

couldn't make it...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"If it looked like a duck and quacked like a duck, it was

probably an emu," says Tory spokesman. ('Spokes'man

does his job by putting a spoke in the Tory wheel)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many thanks to the Daily Mail for allowing the much-maligned pluperfect 

tense a rare moment in the sun - from the Chairman of the Preservation 

of the Pluperfect Society...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Conservative (Cheese & Wine) Party's in a fair bit of

trouble, I'd say...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Distant relatives (well, three miles - not THAT distant)

***********************************

"Mum rang. She says she's

freezing" - "I told you not to 

speak to cold callers!"...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------

ESSO-S - "help, I've run out of petrol!" ...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 7)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Fergie describes herself as a bruised reed that won't

break. No wonder she's unpopular - no-one likes a grass.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"Resigning could be good for your health," says Harry. So

I've resigned myself to the fact he's never going to stop

pontificating - hopefully that'll be good for mine...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I read that my bodyweight is totally unrelated to what

I actually eat, the scales fell from my eyes. So I picked them

up and threw them away. 'What's the point?' I thought...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FRANK INCENSED - "not socks again!" he yelled

as he opened his present...

----------------------------------------------------------------

SANTACLAUSTROPHOBIA - fear of narrow chimneys...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Give it a shake, maybe it's world peace. You said that's

what you wanted for Christmas"...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

1 - 24...

******************************************

"Advent calendars?

Their days are numbered". "I don't

feel that well myself"...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FORMULA 1-DERFUL!!! My heart was racing almost as fast as the cars!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SAUDI ARABIAN GP: we're told GPs no longer want to see us 

these days, but do we still want to see GPs? Hell yes! (As for 

the race itself? It was almost as confusing as that sentence!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You can't help but admire AJ Odudu's determination. Obama's

"Yes We Can!" seems to have become AJ's "Yes We Can-Can!"

- ironically, the one dance she's not been asked to perform!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why put off till tomorrow what you can do today?...

***********************************

"You took an instant

dislike to my mother, you

say?" - "Yes, it saved time"...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Snowflake Generation...

Seeing as Aberdeen University gave its students a 'trigger 

warning' that Treasure Island contained accounts of abduction, 

maybe it should also warn them that in Raymond Briggs's 

'The Snowman' snowflakes get trodden on...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, December 5)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do those who thought Trump was the best thing since sliced

bread now think Biden is toast?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I really can't understand why Meghan Markle demanded Piers

Morgan's head on a plate. I'd have stuck to the traditional

turkey, if I were her...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

God knows why the revellers trapped in the Tan Hill Inn were

worried about the beer running out. Once it saw all the snow

outside, it would have soon run back in again...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's true that Kate grounds Prince William - but Meghan 

grounds Harry, too (though only when he's been a naughty 

boy.) "You're grounded!"...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Better to be asked to "button it!" for not doing up your shirt

than to "zip it!" when opening your mouth. Count yourself'

lucky, Jonny Dymond!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, they're both pretty irritating. Well, not pretty. Just irritating...

*******************************

Dermot O'Leary?

He gives me a rash (or is

that Dermot itis?)

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------

Anti-vaxxers are so bloody unhinged, they're 

probably anti-macassars, too...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Paracet) Amol: BBC's golden boy seems to  be causing more

headaches than relieving them right now...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A crown on your headed notepaper, Meghan? When I saw that

I really did want to crown you. But I abhor physical violence...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meghan not manipulative? Her use of the word "Daddy" seems

to indicate nothing could be father from the truth...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

PATHÉTIC - my obsession with old newsreels...

---------------------------------------------------------

what a boar...

**********************************************

being a chauvinist's

opened lots of doors - through which

I then get kicked out...

**********************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love musical theatre. My current favourite is The Van-Tam of

the Omicron. Such infectious tunes...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 3)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Both Macron AND his PM are taking swipes at Boris now. Talk

about a strained Frenchship!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When my aunt gave me a Christmas present last year, she said 

I could always change it if I didn't like it. I opened the envelope, 

and all there was inside was a £10 note. When I told her it wasn't 

quite the right colour, she kindly changed it to a fifty...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson deserves a pat on the back for the way he's leading 

our country. A cowpat...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife, too, is a firm believer in lucky numbers. Her favourite is

a little black one, the one she was wearing when she first met me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Religion - it's quite demanding...

*********************************

if I have to love

my enemies, then I'll just

have to hate my friends...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Pi and chips: after Omicron comes Pi - and if there's no

stopping Pi, then we've all had our chips! Don't panic!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

xMAS VIEWING? xACTLY THE SAME AS LAST 

YEAR! No wonder it's a little cross. We all are!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Can't wait to see how many bad puns yule be shoehorning 

into your headlines this festive season, Daily Mail. I see 

you've started already...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

36" waist, use by 1/12/2021...

**********************************

I've no problem with

'Best Before' labels. But not

on trousers, surely?...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------

Hair of the dog? Paw me another!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't watch it, but I'm told 'I'm A Celebrity... Get Me 

Out Of Here!' went down a storm last week, haha...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 1)

Arwen by name, destructive by nature...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

If The Saj is a Tesla and Boris a Fiesta, how about a

probing interview with a Ferrari? What say you, Nick?... 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I love musical theatre. Went to see The Van-Tam of 

the Omicron at Her Majesty's Theatre last night. I'm 

pretty sure that's not how you're meant to wear a mask, 

mind. Especially when the tunes are so infectious...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

No wonder Ghislaine Maxwell looked drawn in court

on today's front pages. The accused always do - photos 

aren't allowed. Sketches only...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How can The Phantom of the Opera's mask POSSIBLY offer him any

protection against such infectious tunes? Put it on properly!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

A drei-liner, as they say in Germany...

**************************

Even the driest

of comedians can be

a bit wet at times...

**************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------

RIVER TINE - have we come to a fork?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 30)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

NESSUN N'DOURMA - the Italian/Senegalese mash-up version...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

hello?...

********************************************

hearing voices in

your head's just fine - hearing them

in your feet, that's weird... 

********************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

GB doubles tennis is in a great place right now: Salisbury.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

So now we're all forced to say 'Sussexit'? It seems 

Meghalomania knows no bounds...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Note to self: never say 'racy decollegetage' when addressing students.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

At least with this new variant, people don't seem to 

be getting omichronically sick...

----------------------------------------------------------------

either way, it's painful...

************************************

is a 'slipped disc' one

that disappears from the Top

40 completely?... 

************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Someone tell Madonna that well-filled stockings at the

end of a bed should contain nuts and oranges, not a 63

-year-old surgically-enhanced woman raging against 

the dying of the light...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

All's well that ends -well. Except for those whose 

names start with Max-, I guess. Sorry Ghislaine...

------------------------------------------------------------

What do I think of Dior using wife-beater Johnny

Depplorable to promote their cologne? I think it 

stinks. Ironic, or what?...

------------------------------------------------------------

The who f*ck's using been the shuffle button on 

my one-liner?...

----------------------------------------------------------

The House of Gucci was shot in Milan. So was

Maurizio Gucci. Sadly, one of them survived...

--------------------------------------------------------

Parting is such sweet sorrow (breaking it to her gently)

********************************

I love you so much, 

I long to see less of you...

because less is more.

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------

How was my Bushtucker Trial? Talk 

about an anus horribilis!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Never mind pigs' brains and goats' testicles, shouldn't

the next Bushtucker Trial involve getting Naughty Boy

to eat his words?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Some of Naughty Boy's words are hard to swallow-

could make for a fun Bushtucker Trial!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

May isn't even the best month of the year, so how come 

she's been voted 'Backbencher of the Year'? Sorry, Theresa.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"No Running Indoors," read the sign in the gym. So the paint

I was using didn't. They'd said they wanted something bright - 

any paint which can read signs is pretty bright, in my book!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drew Marry More? I bloody well hope not!...

***********************************

"I've had three divorces" 

(They'd all run their courses)

"And no-one wants FOUR!"

Sighed Drew MarryMore...

--------------------------------- < --- and this is the line she Drew 

                                                                under them, once and for all...

***************************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------

It was great last summer watching our kids splashing

around in the cross-channel ferry in the back garden.

Who knew it could double as a paddling pool?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

No, hearing voices in your head doesn't necessarily

mean you're crazy. Hearing voices in your FEET?

Yeah, that probably does...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who says variety's the spice of life?...

----------------------------------------------

Do I believe in same-sex marriages? Sure do. Me and the 

Mrs, we've been having the same sex now for bloody years...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom Utley's right. Actors are like the curate's egg: only good

in parts. Especially if the parts have been written for them.

As for their political views - who cares?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Designer salads...

********************************************

'These tomatoes aren't 

quite right,' I thought. "Do you have

them in blue?" I asked...

********************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Pop stars turning heartache into hits is no worse

than writers turning suffering into buy-ographies...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Like Jenni Murray, I'm also on a 5:2 diet. I used to

start at 7:00pm, but now I start at five-to...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Black Friday? Tut-tut. Friday of Colour, surely?...

------------------------------------------------------------

Comparing Boris Johnson to a clapped-out Morris

Minor is off the mark. He's more like an old Ford, 

if you ask me. Gerald Ford - someone who only

lasted three years in office...

------------------------------------------------------------

Even the Royal family is channel-crossing now.

From the BBC to ITV, by all accounts...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Actually, it's not so bad watching all these travel

shows hosted by C-List celebrities. It used to be 

mainly Z-list, so things are definitely looking up!

-----------------------------------------------------------

When your IQ's lower than your voice...

********************************

I'm a man of rare 

intelligence - so rare, I've

yet to show any...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, dear - seems to be a case of Bake Off then Take Off!

Giuseppe Dell'Anno has flown to Mill'Anno! Arrivederci...

and congratulations, Giuseppe...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

If it's true that No Time To Die is heading for a £75m loss,

then maybe it's not such a good idea to invest in Bonds!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Outspoken Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries tends 

to call a SpAd a SpAd. I wonder what they call her?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If four small glasses of wine raise the risk of dementia,

avoid small glasses!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The movie 'House of Gucci' was shot in Italy. Seems

many a critic is sorry it survived...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Here's hoping whoever's selling 'gold' jewellery that's 

only 0.6% pure...is also covered in, er, gilt.😠

----------------------------------------------------------------

Whose shout is it? - Theirs, it turns out...

****************************************

I had a coke, then

asked for Sex on the Beach - but 

they'd run out. Screaming.

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'M HAVING A BAWL! - it's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 23)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Right now, I wouldn't trust the Parole Board to release a 

statement without having to recall it later...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I got life. Not a long sentence, that. Only three words...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Boris Johnson tells you his off-keynote CBI speech, 

'Peppa'd with pig references, was a corker, then he's 

telling porkies. Maybe he confused the CBI with CBeebies?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not sure that's actually legal!...

*************************************

Sown your wild oats with

too much abandon? You could

end up doing porridge!...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Don a mask or doner kebab? "No contest!" says Boris

(but don't tell Carrie)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

If Spotify hadn't removed the shuffle button from

Adele's album, would they have been out of order?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

(Is it out of order to use the shuffle button when listening to albums?)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

'Snowman' axed by BBC following meltdown...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 22)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe Boris is confusing masks with prophylactics? The

soon-to-be father of seven really does seem to be averse

to putting them on...

(Put on your mask for a few minutes, or put off the electorate for keeps)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Family Thais...

*********************************************

"My wife's caucAsian".

"Is that white or mixed-race?" - "Not

sure, to be honest"...

*********************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

'Ugly fruit good, ugli fruit bad': the mantra for shoppers 

with their carbon footprint in mind. (A local misshapen 

apple by any other name would taste as sweet...)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The insider who described Justice Secetary Dominic Raab as 

a 'vindaloo' (compared to the 'creamy korma' as represented

by his predecessor Robert Buckland) was undoubtedly just

trying to, er, curry favour...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The new 'must-have' in your 30s is a veg patch, apparently.

Will a bald patch do? So much easier to cultivate!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Reflections' by Holly Willoughby. Yet another celebrity

self-help book - seems they just can't help themselves. 

Ironic, or what?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Keeping up with the times...

*************************************

My dad used to be 

a wind-up merchant. But now

he's gone digital...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Instead of benefitting from new manager Eddie Howe's

know-how, Newcastle United were obliged to play their

first game under him with, er, no Howe. Damn you, Covid!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Howe to miss first game as Newcastle boss. Catch Covid - that's how!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"The Duchess of Sussex"s recent farcical antics on The

Ellen DeGeneres Show make 1987's infamous 'It's A 

Royal Knockout' debacle seem almost inspirational. Has

she no shame? Er, no - it would appear not. Strip her of

the title. Now!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Saving is easy. By deciding not to buy a new watch and

those trainers I'd craved, I must have saved at least £185!

I hope to save another £80 tomorrow by not buying that 

radio that's caught my eye. At the rate I'm going, I'll soon 

have enough for that new car I don't need!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What the?....

**********************************

"Sir Geoffrey Cox's

job is on the line, Vincent" -

"Tell it I'm not in"...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Anti-Semitic texts? Where better for Azeem Rafiq to 

beg for forgiveness than at his local SINNER gogue?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

So many scandals! Suddenly, saying something "just 

isn't cricket" has become a bit of a compliment...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Odour toilette...

*****************************************

I've just brought out my 

own range of perfumes - and now

I'm rich - stinking rich!...

*****************************************

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Fast food, sloe gin: my Friday nights. Mind you, at 

about 7 weeks per bottle, I prefer my gin VERY sloe!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

LOG-IN CABINS - where cyber hermits live? (Often

referred to as 'the bedroom')

--------------------------------------------------------------

Wasn't too keen on Andrew Pierce before, but I am 

now, looking at his, er, two-pack. A case of 'abs

make the heart grow fonder', it seems...

--------------------------------------------------------------

However fruity their voice?...

**********************************

Ageist film-makers?

They never offer plum roles

to dried-up old prunes...

**********************************

the more lines on the face, the fewer lines in the film.

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Why not call white-ball cricket caucAsian-ball cricket?

Maybe that would help bring an end to the racial divide?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is cereal womanising the inevitable result of sowing one's

wild oats? Or only when it comes to a certain PM and his dad?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Cambridge Dictionary's word of the year for 2021 is

'perseverance'. I'm pleased for it -after so many years of trying!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"633 Squadron or The Dam Busters - which film do you

think's the best?" - "As far as I'm concerned, it's six and 

two threes, to be honest"...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Nine 'Insulate Britain' members asked judges to throw 

the book at them. Seeing as the judges were sitting on 

The Bench, maybe that's the one they should have thrown. 

I've read it. It's rubbish. Sorry, Meghan...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

UNMADE BEDLAM - our kids' sleeping quarters!...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Was that a guess? - "No, I used my loaf"...

**********************************************

What was the best thing

before sliced bread, then? "The knife,

I would imagine"...

**********************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------

50 HADES OF GREY - one hell of a book!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 16)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A life sentence? That's not a long sentence. Not even a

short one. A sentence requires a subject and a predicate.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Might social media be causing youngsters' involuntary

sounds and body jerks? No wonder it's called TicTok!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Batterys' flat? Who do you call: the AA, AAA or AAAA

(Association for the Abolition of the Aberrant Apostrophe)?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Double-page spreads on a study that dairy may actually 

be good for us? The papers are really milking it...

--------------------------------------------------------------------